Falling in the Ocean

I'm at work tonight. It's Christmas Eve. And here's a fair warning--when I'm really tired, I mix up French and English. And I write really randomly. "Technically it is Christmas morning, you know." --Doc Boy "You know that, and I know that." --Jon Actually, it's 2:39 a.m. on the 24th, so it's Christmas Eve. Most of my family is in Logan already, but I'm at work (quelle surprise). I'm also on call tomorrow morning, and the add-on list is pretty long already. Kim is in OR 1 doing a dead bowel case with Dr. Price, and I'm at the desk with Lori. At least the night is halfway over already, and I'm getting paid time-and-a-half. I enjoy my job. I really do. But I am burned out. I'm so ready to go part-time. Unfortunately, I have the insurance, and to get insurance when you only work part-time is more than twice as much. So you earn less money and pay more for insurance. Not fun. I think Allen is getting to the point where he's ready for a change too. He has been pretty out-of-it with his surgery and stuff. The surgery went well, and he is healing up nicely, but being off work and home-bound for basically the past two weeks . . . I think he had a small break-down yesterday. He went to an InstaCare and spoke to a doctor about it, and he said he thought Allen was having panic attacks due to stress. They prescribed him some Clonazepam (an anti-anxiety muscle relaxant), but he didn't really like what it was doing to him. I was at work, so he had to deal with Benji and with the snow and feeling crappy. I wish I could have done something for him, but luckily Lexy was home. Allen took Benji up to Layton and I guess Lex helped him sort out all of the things in his brain. Thank you, Lex. I think you may have been the only person to speak to him like that. I'm not sure exactly what you said, but whatever it was, it made something click. We have been in 'survival mode' for so long that we were both pretty checked out of our relationship; we were just trying to get through each day. Anyway, he wrote me a sweet letter telling me how much he loved me and how much he wanted to get our family back on track. I have been waiting for him to step up to the plate for quite a while; I feel like I have been carrying so much of the spiritual load, and I just got tired--so tired that I just let it go and tried to stay afloat. Drifting. Sorry I'm mixing metaphors (it's 3:19 a.m. now). Anyway, I'm really hoping Allen gets the job in Logan. I'm ready to retire, although being a stay-at-home mother isn't exactly la retraite. If I could get a PRN or part-time scrub position at Logan Regional, I'd totally do that. But I'd really like to be more involved with Benjamin and take better care of my family. I'd like to do more than just keep my head above water until my next shift. I keep bugging him about it, because I really think this would be the best thing that could happen for our family right now. I'm praying for it. I'm almost ready for Christmas, but I still have some wrapping to do and other gifts and sundry things to put together. I'd really like to sleep when I get home, especially since I have to drive to Logan. I think I'll try to take a nap now, and scrub out Kim at 4:30 a.m. Here's hoping she's done by then. On verra.

Joyeux Noël, mes amis ! Je vous aime tous !