Trying to Throw Your Arms Around the World

In my last post, I forgot to mention the whole insurance issue.  A pro of working full-time is that I get decent insurance for a decent price ($180/mo, $350 deductible pp/$1050 for family, out-of-pocket maximum $2000 pp/$5000 family).  Not great, but not terrible.  My sister Sarah suggested I drop to part-time.  Oh, how I would like to.  Unfortunately, insurance is a really big issue.  For employees who work part-time, the cost of their insurance is more than double what it is for full-time employees.  So, you are making less and putting out more money for the same thing you get if you work more.  Basically, you are working for the insurance.  If Allen's company's insurance weren't super-duper crappy (way less coverage for way more money), the decision would be much easier--I'd go part-time in a heartbeat.  I might not even work at all.

That's the crux of my problem.  I think I would feel quite differently about working if there were a clear choice in the matter.  All those other reasons are valid, but it really boils down to insurance, i.e., taking care of my family.  If I have to work, I want something more out of it than just insurance.  I want a paycheck.  I want to keep and maintain skills.  Is it worth it to spend so much time away from my child just to save money?  Should I really have to ask that question?  Would it be better for me to be the homemaker and mother and spiritual woman I always wanted to be, or is it better for me to take care of my family temporally--monetarily and physically by making sure we can afford to pay the bills?

I don't know what is better.  I don't really feel like I have a choice in the matter (logically, it's not worth it for me to work part-time), but I do.  Maybe insurance isn't the real problem; maybe it's trust.  Growing up, I was taught to work hard and earn my keep, go to school and contribute to society,  I have tried.  I was taught to live the gospel of Jesus Christ, to listen to the prophets and trust in the Lord.  I have tried that too, though that is really where I am failing myself and my family.  I go to church, I try to fulfill my duties, I work hard to make our home livable, but it is certainly not the "heaven on earth" I'm supposed to create.  I'd probably be happier if I put more focus on that.  But it's difficult to scuba dive when you've let your tank float to shore and it's all you can do to keep your head above water.  I'm sure there are beautiful reefs and exotic marine life to be seen, if only I trusted someone else to help me breathe.

Do I understand what I'm missing beneath the waves?