When She Goes to Work

I will get around to finishing blogging about the cruise, but I'm just not up for dealing with pictures again right now.  There are so many, and they have to be edited and collaged and uploaded . . . it just takes a long time (even with the minimal editing).  It will come, though, don't you worry.*

**Yes, I know that most of my readers really don't care what we did or didn't do on our vacation, but it is important to me.  And since you are actually reading this, it should be important to you too. ;o)

Okay . . . onto tonight's topic.  Why do I work full-time?  I have been asking myself that question quite often lately, and there's a whole buffet of pros and cons, with lots of guilt to be had on the side.  Let's explore that a little bit.

Unfortunately, a little history is required.  Let's go back to 2006, shall we?  Allen and I had been married for less than a year, when a career advancement opportunity arose for me.  I was working part-time as a CNA at Primary Children's Medical Center, and I was trying to finish up my Bachelor's degree at the same time.  It was a decent job, paying around $10/hour.  I was cruising the employment section of IHC's website, and I found a notice for a position, which included paid training to become a Surgical Technologist at LDS Hospital.  The training alone would have been a nice raise for me, and once the training was completed, another raise would be given.  Honestly, I had never even considered working in surgery until I saw that notice.  I talked it over with Allen, and we decided that I should apply.

Well, I obviously got the job.  I was excited and a little nervous about this new frontier.  On the first day of our class (at the end of June 2006), they had each of us sign a contract: that once we had completed the training, we would be required to work full-time for IHC (Intermountain Healthcare) for two years, or for 4,000 hours.  If we did not work those 4,000 hours, we would have to pay back a graduated portion of what this training was worth (which was, in their estimation, several thousand dollars).  So all ten of us were locked into this contract before we had any idea what we were getting into.  One fellow ended up dropping out a couple of months into it, but the only reason why they let him out of his contract was because he was in the military and had been called up for active duty.

This training involved class and clinicals, working at least five days/week (including most Saturdays), for about 5 months--we finished in December 2006.  It was pretty intense, especially considering that most Surgical Tech training programs are at least 12 months long, and some are even longer.  I remember having a small nervous breakdown somewhere that fall, but I know I wasn't alone.  Most of the other students had a relatively difficult time, too.  So the 4,000-hour countdown started at the end of 2006.

Well, I worked full-time the next year (2007), mostly doing night-shifts while I finished my BA in Biology.  I learned a lot, and while the hour requirement still made me nervous, I actually began to enjoy my job.  Then, in August, I dislocated my shoulder (the first time) and found out that I was pregnant.  I had to take a few weeks off for my shoulder, and in January 2008 I was put on "bedrest" for mild hypertension and pre-eclampsia.  The bedrest wasn't very restful, especially since we moved from Sugar House up to Bountiful (on my birthday in 2008), but it was nice to not have to work during that time.  Even so, it all counted toward the maximum number of hours I could take for a paid leave (12 weeks/year for full-time employees).  By the time monsieur was born, I only had a few weeks left.  I took what time off I could, then I had to return to work full-time.  I still had more than one year to go on my contract, so I worked because I had to.

I had planned on dropping down to part-time after I had fulfilled my contract, but then this happened (this is a chart of the Dow Jones Industrial Average around this time period) :

(Chart courtesy of: http://techfarm.blogspot.com/2010/08/scary-similarity-charts-1929-1930-and.)

Just as I was finishing up the required hours of my contract, the economy dropped out.  A bunch of people at Allen's work had been laid-off, so we were pretty nervous about that.  I also remember the price of gas going from a low of $1.29/gal to $4.50/gal in 2008, and I felt lucky to a) have a job at all, and b) have a car that got 35+ mpg (yes, Gigi was a piece of you-know-what, but she rocked on the mileage).  So . . . I kept working.

And I have been working full-time ever since then.  Part of it is lack of confidence in the economy itself, and part of it is lack of faith in my husband, that he could provide for all of us in this economy.  His job is definitely not 'recession-proof,' and his lack of education has made it difficult to move up any kind of ladder. Oh, he's smart--Allen teaches himself plenty of things, and he has a ton of work experience to recommend him, but he hasn't been in school since 1991.  A lot has changed in the field of Information Technology in last 20 years, and with jobs getting more and more competitive, many of which require college degrees of some sort, that leaves us kinda stranded . . . and lucky to be employed at all.

And that's the long version of why I work.  That's the necessity aspect to it.  Of course, if I were really passionate about staying home, economising and such, I would find a way to make it work.  Here's a list of pros and cons.

Pro: Money.  It sure is nice to get a paycheck.  What is even nicer is that both Allen and I get paid every other week, and our paydays fall on opposite weeks.  So there is a paycheck coming in every Friday, either his or mine.  That is very helpful.

Con: I'm not as frugal as I should be.  I'm a spender.  I like to find good deals, and I used to coupon like crazy, but I found that I was buying stuff I didn't need because I had a good coupon.  I don't do it as much anymore; I try to just buy what I need.  But I do spend too much, I'll admit it--especially on eating out.  I'm such a creature of convenience.  It's a lot easier to eat in the cafeteria than it is to pack my meals every day. :o(

Pro: Using/maintaining/learning of skills.  I learn new things all the time, and I love that.  Every day is different, every surgery is different.  I get to do all kinds of cool things and see lots of cool stuff.  I enjoy it, and I'm pretty good at it.

Con:  Being better at scrubbing than I am at mothering.  While work is good, it is also stressful and exhausting.  I work hard, and I am on my feet for hours every day, so when I'm home, I don't do a lot of things that good mothers do.  I'm not great at getting down on the floor and playing with Benji, or keeping the house clean or taking him out for playdates or walks, etc.  I do every once in a while, but not as often as I should.

Pro: Getting to talk to doctors every day.  I love having intelligent conversations.  I love the little thrill of rebellion when I call doctors by their first names instead of by their proper titles.  I love talking with smart, educated people.

Con: Sometimes I don't know how to talk to my child.  Yes, he is autistic, and communication is a huge barrier for us.  I know he understands me sometimes, but he also chooses to disobey quite frequently.  He also gets so caught up in his own world that my speaking to him doesn't even register on his radar.  I can be holding his face in my hands, speaking directly to him, calling his name and asking him to look at me, and he will be looking anywhere except at me, speaking in his own language that I don't understand.  Some moments are better than others, and I know he understands more than he can express.  Getting Benjamin ready for the real world should be a bigger priority for me.

Pro: I get to help people.  I am part of a team, and we all work together to increase the quality of life for people we have never met.  I help fix what is broken, I help remove what isn't functioning correctly, and I help save lives.  That means something.

Con: I don't help my son as much as I should.  I let other people do that for me--friends, family, t.v., teachers, babysitters, etc.  I am happy to send my child off to school, because I truly believe they can help him more than I can.  I know I'm supposed to be the primary care-taker, nurturer, and teacher.  I certainly don't feel that way.

Pro: I cherish my time with Benjamin more, because I get so little of it.

Con:  I get so little time with Benjamin, and I'm so tired when I do get it, that I rarely make the most of it.

Pro: Positive feedback.  I get thanks and pats-on-the-back for a job well done.  I got a pretty ring as an award for my 10-year anniversary of working for IHC.  I get a paycheck every-other-week.  I get emails from my supervisor thanking me for getting my education stuff done ahead of schedule.  I try to fly under-the-radar, so to speak, by working hard and staying out of trouble, so I hear very little negativity about my performance.

Con: The guilt.  Most of it is self-imposed, but it is still there.  The LDS Church is very vocal about encouraging mothers to stay home with their children (if possible) (see the Proclamation to the World, and this talk given by Elder L. Tom Perry in April 2010.).  In a predominantly LDS community like Salt Lake, it is expected that most mothers are homemakers.  I may not have really had a choice when I was still under contract, but now that it is not strictly a necessity, I'm still working.

That's where I am: walking this line between guilt and fulfillment, between selfishness and selflessness, between the 'shoulds' and the 'if-onlys'.  Where is the best place for me?  Where do I belong?  How could I give up such an important piece of myself?

Your thoughts and comments would be appreciated.