Where You Invest Your Love, You Invest Your Life

I feel like I need to catch up on my crazy life.  Since it's quiet at work right now, we'll see how far I can get.

1.  Benji's school.  

Last February, when we found out that Benji did not receive a scholarship to attend the Carmen B. Pingree Center for Children with Autism next year, we put in his name for a lottery for Spectrum Academy, a charter school. for autistic children.  We didn't hear anything back from them, so we spent months in meetings and evaluations and phone calls trying to get Benji placed within the Granite School District.  We decided on Whittier School, which is a nice, big elementary school with quite a lot of resources.  His teacher is really cute, his entire class would be made up of autistic children, they are piloting a new program this year, his classroom is directly across the hall from the school nurses (yes, plural!  And actual RNs, not just an LPN), and they would bus him to and from school.  We were all set to start school on Wednesday, August 28th.

The Thursday before (August 22nd), Allen and I each received an e-mail:

Congratulations! Your child was selected to attend Spectrum Academy for the 2013-2014 school year.

Student Name & Grade: Benjamin Cox, AM Kindergarten

Please feel free to contact us with any questions you might have.

We have attached some paperwork that we need you to go through and complete. We will also need a copy of your child's immunization record, birth certificate and IEP (if applicable) by Friday, August 21st in order to secure your child's spot for our upcoming school year. Please let us know by phone or email as soon as possible if you would like this spot.

If you would like, you can call and schedule a tour. Please call and schedule it at 801-936-0318 option 1. Your child is invited to attend if you like.

Please let me know if you have any questions.

Wendy Hansard

Office Manager - Elementary

Spectrum Academy

Truthfully, I didn't know what to do.  I felt really good about sending him to Whittier--it seems like a really great school.  Plus it would be super convenient for me, and I don't need more stress in my life.  I called them on Friday to see if we could go check it out, but everyone in the building was out for medical training.  So we went on Monday, 8/26.  It is a nice, small school, and the Kindergartens have 6 kids in them.  SIX.  And once you are in, you don't need to apply for the lottery again.  They said, "He's ours until you take him out."  That's something--to not have to worry about where he will fit in next year, or even after that, because they go all the way through high school.  

Allen was really pushing for us to accept the placement (especially since there were 70 other kids on the waiting list who would have taken his spot if we said no), and although I didn't really feel like it would be better than Whittier, I agreed.  

Benji on his first day of Kindergarten @ Spectrum Academy 

So last Tuesday was his first day of school.  It has been good thus far; it's just the drive.  There is no bussing.  There are carpools, but his class is at a weird time, and I just haven't had time to deal with it yet.  So he needs to be there at 11:45am (having eaten lunch already--the school doesn't even have it's own lunchroom!), and he is picked up at 2:45 (I think . . . Allen takes him home).  It's 18 miles away, about 25-30 minutes of drive time.  It is only 6 miles from Allen's work, so he hangs out there to take him home (unless he's doing is game thing, "hacking portals" and such).  It's growing on me; I think it will be a good place for him eventually.  It takes some getting used to, and the cost of gas is fairly significant.  I feel like we need a commuter car, but money is a bit of a problem right now too.  Ugh.

Anyway--moving on.

2.  Concerts.

On Friday, August 23rd, I went with my concert-buddy Allison to see fun. at Saltair.  Tegan & Sara opened (they are okay; I'm just not that into them).  

Me and Allison @ Saltair

It really was a great concert.  I'm not a huge fan of fun., but they put on a great show.  The energy was awesome, and they sound FANTASTIC live! I think that's the acid-test of a band's talent.  If they can sound as good or better than they do on the album, then they are worth investing time and money into.  We were kind-of stuck in the middle, and people kept pushing past us and walking around us, etc.  Two people, who were totally pushing their way to the front looked back sheepishly and said, "We're being a**holes."  To which I replied: "Pretty much."  Oh well.  It was still lovely.  The weather was PERFECT (at the end of August, it could have been a lot worse), the sunset was incredible, and it was just a delightful night.  

A panorama shot of the crowd and sunset

Here are a couple of other shots.  The iPhone does pretty well!  Not spectacular, but MUCH better than my old one.

A couple of quotes: 

"Salt Lake City?!"  "Just you f****n' wait."  And: "Does anyone here have a cell phone?"  They took some guys phone up on stage with them and took some pictures with it.  Pretty cool.

And the setlist:

Some Nights (Intro)

One Foot

Walking the Dog

All Alone

Why Am I The One

At Least I’m Not As Sad (As I Used To Be)

All The Pretty Girls

It Gets Better

Barlights

Carry On
The Gambler

You Can't Always Get What You Want (Rolling Stones cover)

We Are Young

Take Your Time

  

  Encore:

Some Nights

Stars

Good times.  That really was an excellent concert.

I also got to go to the O.C. Tanner Gift of Music concert with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, the Utah Symphony and James Taylor.  I put my name in for the lottery for that one too, and actually got tickets!  So I met my cute mom at the Conference Center last Saturday.  It was delightful!  And the programs were stunning--the typography, the printing, etc.  Gorgeous.  I took two.

It was also the same weekend as the first annual Salt Lake Comic Con, which was apparently very successful.  I took Trax downtown for the concert, and saw plenty of people dressed up, totally unashamed.  I have decided that Comic Con is like Halloween for adults, where you can dress up as whatever and whomever you want, and the treats are getting to meet stars and take cool pictures.  I'm down with that!  I'm a little sad I didn't make it more of a priority to go, because all of the pictures I have seen are awesome.  I'm sure it will be bigger and better next year, so I'll plan to get my geek on then.  

3.  Friends.

Speaking of Comic Con, my friends Diana and DeLayna went and met some cool people.  They are so funny; I love those girls.  DeLayna will be going to Japan shortly on a work assignment.  I'm so jealous!  How cool would that be?!  Speaking of . . . I need to finish watching season one of Newsroom!  Gah!  No time!

On the Saturday after the concert, my dear friend Jack Jason had a layover in SLC.  Peggy and I met up with him to have breakfast at Lamb's Grill downtown.  It was so lovely to catch up!  I was hoping to meet up with them in New York next month, but alas--I have no money, honey.  Especially after fighting with T-Mobile over an account I was assured was closed.  Grr.

JJD, Me and Peggy! 

We had a bit of a "Gaufre War," (get it?) in which we were to decide who makes the better waffle (see JJD's descriptions and lovely pictures here).  I was a little disappointed in the boys @ Saturday's Waffle, since they now have teenagers running it, so I was in agreement: the Belge wins.  Bruges Waffles is amazing (always get the gaufres liegoises!).  As we were walking down the street back to get his suitcase from his hotel, I totally biffed it.  CHEWING. ASPHALT.  My knees and my ego are still bruised and sore from that rather humiliating experience (um, I'm pretty sure my skirt flipped up over my waist, and there were plenty of people around to witness it!), but it was still worthwhile, and I'll just blame it on my cute-but-dangerous wedges.  These are two of my most favourite people in the world!  I'd do it again in a heartbeat if it meant seeing them!

4.  Family.

My last post may give you a hint as to the drama in the family.  It's kind-of quiet at the moment, but I think we are all walking on eggshells for a little while; at least until Mom & Dad leave.  Did I mention that they received their mission call?  They are going to Peru, and the leave ON THURSDAY.  Yikes!  It's coming waaaay too fast!  I'm excited for them, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to be in the opposite hemisphere!

Mom & Dad came down to SLC last week for their missionary training at the Church Office Building.  I was working while they were here (and they were some of the busiest days I have seen all year--no chance of leaving early!), and Mom had a wee health scare.  She had been short-of-breath, dizzy, nauseated, etc.  She got an appointment to see a cardiologist (not hers, but they still got her in the next day--a minor miracle).  Turns out that she was in atrial fibrillation, or her heart wasn't beating correctly.  She has had problems with the electrical conduction and scar tissue from her ASD repair in 1984 (which, back then, meant open-heart surgery).  When I had my PFO repair in 2004 (a very small version of an ASD), they were able to do it using a small catheter threaded up through the femoral artery.  Thankfully, I haven't had to deal with anything like Mom has, but she is a trouper. 

Anyway, they scheduled her for a TEE and Cardioversion the following morning.  Since Dad was still in meetings all day, we arranged for Allen to come home from work early so he could take Benji to school.  I was able to meet Mom @ IMC (my place of work, conveniently), where everything went swimmingly.  They did the shock to her heart, and they said it looks great now.  She will have a nuclear stress test this Wednesday, but they said she should be okay to fly out on Thursday as planned.  What a blessing!  I thought they would delay her a couple of weeks, but we are pressing forward.  I am so grateful we were able to get this taken care of so quickly and efficiently.  And I'm glad I was able to be at the hospital with her.  

I will be taking Benji up to Logan tomorrow for their 'setting apart,' which is a priesthood blessing given to a member of the church when he or she undertakes a new calling.  I am excited and nervous; these will be difficult holidays without them here.  They will be great, I'm sure.  It will be such an amazing experience for them.  There is nothing like living in another country to help you appreciate the life you have built for yourself.

****

And that's about it for now.  I can't believe I have written this entirely at work--after last week, it's hard to imagine things being as quiet as they have been for the past hour or so!  Please let me know what's going on with you.  Love to all!

Is This My Life?

I'm struggling.  I want to write.  There is so much I want to do; I have been getting sucked into huge time-wasters like television {The Following and Revolution are so good!} and video games {just one--Monsters Run on the iPad, but I felt the need to beat all of the levels}, and the important stuff {cleaning, blogging, preparing church lessons, etc.} falls to the side.

I also want to be a good mom, but I'm just not.  Here are some actual quotes of things I have said to Benji today {he is out of school for Spring Break, and I didn't have to work today}.

• "Good morning, naked boy."
• "Please don't chew on the toilet seat!"
• "Don't eat the flash drive!"
• "The iPad is not for spinning."
• "Why did you pee in Mommy's bed?"
• "Your shirt does not go on your feet."
• "You don't need another shower--you have had two already."
• "You don't have to touch everything!"
• {After knocking over a whole shelf of hair mousse at Target} "That was totally unnecessary!"
• "Turn around and sit on the toilet like a normal boy!"

Those are just examples.  Today was a hard day; I have been trying to have him dress himself, but he won't pay attention.  He'll be looking around when he's supposed to be putting his legs in his pants, so he puts them on backwards or both legs in the same hole, so we do it over and over again.  He is so sweet and so frustrating and so predictable and so difficult.  He has been pretty good about asking for things, and we have been trying to get him to use complete sentences.  He has "want, please" down; it's the other words that get mixed up.  He used to refer to everything as "Skittles," but now he asks {almost exclusively} for the iPad.  I was trying to get him to ask for banana bread today, and I would have accepted "bread," "snack," etc.  This is our conversation:

Benji:  "Pwease . . . want . . . pwease . . . want."

Me: "I want . . ."

B: "Pwease."

M:  "What do you want?"

B:  "Whaayouwant?"  {repeating what I said, or echolalia}

M:  "I want . . ."

B:  "Want . . . iPad . . . pwease."

M:  "This is not an iPad.  This is banana bread.  Say 'bread.'"

B:  "Bread."

M:  "Good.  Bread.  Now say, 'I want bread please.'"

B:  "Want . . . iPad . . . pwease . . . bread . . . pwease . . . want."

Eventually I would give in when he got close enough.  Just the fact that he is communicating what he wants is huge.  I need to keep that in perspective.

The thing is, I have to remind myself {constantly} of perspective.  I'm always having to step back and remember the basics: I chose this.  I always wanted to be a mother.  He won't always be this needy.  But I also have to balance that with the guilt that doesn't ever really go away.  I should be spending more time with him.  I'm too selfish.  I need to be more patient.  

Actually, today {April 2nd} is Autism Awareness Day.  I didn't do anything for it, just like I didn't do anything for April Fool's Day {yesterday} or for Easter {two days ago}.  And there's more guilt: I want to be a cute mom who makes a big deal about holidays and makes traditions for her family.   I didn't even get Benji a basket.  

I feel like such a slacker, and such a bad mother.  Perspective, I know.  It's hard to keep when you feel like an utter failure all the time.  I'm grateful Benji is so absorbed in his own world, so he doesn't see just how crappy a mother I really am.

I know, God doesn't send you any trials you can't handle . . . He sends children with special needs to strong parents, blah, blah, blah.  I get that.  Perspective.  But sometimes I just want to say "screw it."  Yeah, to stay sane you have to look at the big picture.  But right now, it sucks.  Benji didn't get back into Pingree next year, so he'll have to go back to the public schools, and kindergarten will most likely be a half-day instead of the full-day he is currently getting.  That sucks.  Big time.  I'm probably going to have to change my work schedule to 3-11pm, five days per week.  I can see the next year of my life being sucked away, which really helps with the depression situation. 

Sorry for the venting; I'm just frustrated.  I love my boy.  I love him more than anything or anyone else on earth.  It's just really hard.  There's so much I want to do with my life, but it is all I can do to try to hold on to my sanity while attempting to be a decent parent.  I'm certainly not succeeding at any of it.

*sigh*

Perspective.

The Old Apartment

I have had a lot on my mind lately, but not a lot of time to write about it.  I menltioned it earlier, but that's about as far as I got.  Well . . . we have moved.  It was an ordeal.  The whole month of October pretty much sucked.  A lot of people told me they would rather move across country than across town.  I understand why.  Our apartment was so small that we kind-of had to take it a load at a time, just to have someplace to put the stuff.  I can't tell you how many times I drove back and forth.  My car is still not back to normal.

{By the way . . . I'm watching "Night At The Roxbury" right now, and it's so funny I'm having a hard time concentrating long enough to write something!  "Steve, don't hit on the bridesmaid.  It's your wedding!"  I need some Fluffi Whip!}

We are mostly moved in now.  It's down to unpacking and organizing, which isn't very easy.  There's definitely more room here at the house, but we need furniture and shelving.  We ended up tossing most of the furniture, because it was old, in VERY rough shape, and some of it was even moldy (thanks to the awesome swamp cooler).  So, as of now, our seating options consist of a rocking chair.  Yeah.  It's less than convenient; especially with nothing in the kitchen.  I did go to the D.I. today (we have made plenty of trips there as well; I got rid of at least 20% of my wardrobe, and I still have too many clothes!) and I bought a chaise lounge for $20.  It's in decent shape, but pretty dirty.  Good thing we have a steam cleaner, eh?  We also need to get the couches from Logan; I don't know how or when that is going to happen.  Renting a truck will cost at least $100, and now Allen tells me that our former landlord is charging us $1200 to replace the carpet in the apartment.  I'm so pissed about that!  We have got to find that contract; it is lost somewhere in the paper shuffle of the move.  I tried so hard to get organized before we left.  It's just an ongoing process, but seriously--isn't that what a deposit is for?  Isn't carpet replacement par-for-the-course when you own apartments?  It's unbelievable that he wants to charge us $1200 on top of our $400 deposit (which we obviously won't get back).  AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

So most of October was spent moving.  It wasn't pretty, and it REALLY wasn't very fun.  We had a little bit of help from ward members and from Allen's friend Aaron, but we did most of it ourselves.  Honestly, I never want to move again.  Sure, someday I'd like a bigger house (preferably one with a master bath), but it was horrible.  I'm glad it's done.  I actually like organizing and putting things back together; I just wish I had more money to purchase shelves and blinds and such.  Why does it all come back to money?  Gah.

Even Halloween sucked.  I woke up at 3:30a.m. (just as Allen was leaving to go to work) to the sweet sound of Benji projectile vomiting.  I knew he couldn't go to school, and I also knew that I had to get a lot done, and I was scheduled for a 12-hour shift.  So I ended up calling in sick, and we spent the entire day at the apartment cleaning.  One good thing about having a child who doesn't voice an opinion on what we do is that he doesn't voice an opinion on what we do.  He didn't care that he didn't go trick-or-treating.  He didn't care that all we ate that day was pizza from Costco.  Yes, I felt like I had flunked-out of Motherhood 101 because I had to do so much cleaning at the old apartment, I didn't dress Benji up or take him trick-or-treating, and I put off so much until the very last day of the month.  But . . . Benji didn't care.  Sometimes Autism can work to your advantage.  Most of the time it sucks, and it leaves me depressed and frustrated, but sometimes it can be helpful.

There are a lot of things I'd like to write about, but I need to go to bed.  Benji has to be on the bus at 7:05a.m., and I have to work tomorrow.  I'd also like to get the curtains up in the living room, clean out my car, and pick up the chaise before I go to work at 11.  I'm glad I voted early, because there's no way I could do that tomorrow, too.  Can I just say how glad I am the election will be over tomorrow?  I hate the landscape (and airwaves) littered with political paraphernalia.  All the arguing about who is right and who is better and who did what angers me and wears me out mentally.  It's too much.  I have been listening to more talk radio lately, which I usually try to avoid.  I do think the whole Bengazi cover-up will turn into something big, and I'm angry that the administration has kept it mostly under wraps because of the election.  There is so much lying and bitterness and, while I'm glad people are getting worked up about the election, I'm afraid they are getting worked up over the wrong things.  For me, it's all about the economy.  That's what affects me every day.  Even the prices of stuff at the D.I. (the thrift store) seem to have gone up.  I can't believe I paid $3 for a used muffin tin!  The chaise was a pretty good deal, but they wanted $25 for shelves that you can buy new for $30.  I voted for Romney because I think he has a better way to get the economy back on-track.  Obama has had four years to try, and I don't think my family (or this country) can afford four more years of his policies.  I am blessed to have a full-time job, I am blessed to have a working car, I am incredibly grateful that Benji has a scholarship to Pingree, and I am very lucky to be in a house now.  It's how we can afford everything else that worries me.  Money.  Ugh.  I would like it better if I had more of it, I'm sure.

Talk To Me

All right . . . back to more important things.  It's time for a Benji update.  This is the most recent picture I have of him is from our outing to the newish splash pad in North Salt Lake, in the Foxboro development.  It was a lovely day, and a really nice splash pad.  I met up with Konae there, and Rachael joined us.

Lily, Tessa & Benji @ the splash pad. 

Benji was in his little pirate shirt, which I made for all of the nieces & nephews @ his birthday party.  I'm glad the kiddos still wear them, even if they are ugly as sin!

Konae & her kids, and me trying to get Benji to look up.

Anyway, about Benjamin.  We have had a few big (well, big for us!) things happen in the past week.  First: I realized that he gets songs stuck in his head, too.  He's usually speaking his own language, so we only catch words here and there.  But the other day, he was quoting the Move and Groove song from "Signing Time" (Season 2), which gives you signs and actions.  He said, "Shake, shake, shake, freeze."  The next word is "kick," and eventually he said that, too.  It makes me happy to know that he sings to himself (incidentally, I have been singing Keane to myself for the past several weeks . . .), and that the connection between brain and mouth is becoming clearer.

Second: a real sentence.  While I'm fairly sure I have heard him say sentences before, I'm doubt he knew what he was saying (he said, "I guess I did it," but there was no reason or repetition).  This time, it was a response to a question.  The context: we were at Target yesterday, and he was sitting in the basket while we cruised the dollar section.  Since it is back-to-school time, they have some fun decor and stuff there, among which are street signs (''My Way or The Highway," etc.).  I pulled out a Stop sign (it says "Stop Studying" on one side; something equally snarky on the other), but it is red and shaped like an octagon.  I held it up to Benji and asked him what the sign said.

He replied: "The sign says . . ." then he paused for a minute, and said, "Stop."  I couldn't believe it!  He wouldn't say it again, but I know what I heard.  I think I may need to go back and buy that Stop sign, just to remind me!

Today, church was a bit of a challenge.  He would not sit still for ANYTHING, so it was basically a 3-hour wrestling match.  He was also talking to himself all through Primary, while the teacher was trying to give her lesson.  I also found out that a little girl in his class actually wanted to come play with Benji, but her mom didn't know how that might work with him.  I realized that Benji has very few social skills, and that I haven't sought out many opportunities for him to work on them.  I just know how he his with his cousins, who love him, but don't love playing with him.  I understand, and I'm not offended by it; they want some interaction, and Benji doesn't really know how to play with other kids.  He'll play along side them (sometimes), but he's so caught up in his own world, always exploring and finding things to spin and things to put in his mouth, that I'm not sure how much he even notices other kids. I'm sure this will be something we will be working on for the next few years (and maybe for the rest of his life), but the fact that Natalie actually wanted to play with him gave me a little wake-up call.  I don't think I'll be setting up playdates anytime soon, but I guess that is something that normal kids do, and maybe I should look into that.  I'm really going to try to get involved in the PTA and parent groups at the Pingree School this coming year, because almost all of the parents are going through this same thing.  Social awkwardness is a hallmark of an autistic child, so not having to explain what Benji does, what he understands, etc. will be so nice.

Even though church was pretty rough, we had something pretty monumental tonight at bath time.  He has pooped in the potty before, but only a few times, and most of those were lucky catches.  We always make him go potty (standing up) before he gets in the bath, but tonight he kept scratching his bum, so I sat him down.  I sat him down yesterday for about 20 minutes, and nothing.  Tonight, after about 10 minutes, he went!  He sat there for about 10 minutes longer, getting it all out.  I was so proud of him!  I told him a hundred times how proud I was, and I tried to be super-excited as a motivator for him.  I don't think he noticed how happy I was, but I told him "good job" over and over again.  I'm wondering if he wouldn't do better on a potty schedule.  As of now, he'll go when we take him, but he has never said the words "potty" or "poo poo" or "pee pee" without being prompted.  The other day, he was giving me hugs, and with no indication whatsoever, he pooped in his diaper.  I don't know if we can get on a pooping schedule, but I think we'll at least try a more strict potty schedule, and see if he'll stay dry.

Pretty exciting, at least in my world!  The next challenge is our upcoming vacation.  I don't know how he'll do on the road; I think we'll have to make a lot of pit-stops, but I'm pretty sure that's par-for-the-course when you have young kids.  I long for the day when I can say "Potty up, dudes!"