Name Them One By One

To add to the list of my rejections, here's another one: many (I dare say most) of my Facebook friends were tagged with a number, and they had to write a status containing that number of things people didn't know about them.  Apparently no one wanted to know anything about me, even though I liked and commented on many people's lists.  It shouldn't bug me, nor should the fact that I'm cutting my Thanksgiving holiday short to cover a shift for someone who is going out of town, but when she covered a few hours for me on Monday, and she found out where I went, my excuse wasn't good enough for her.  Seriously?  What I do with my time is none of your beeswax, missy.  Try requesting the time off before the deadline like the rest of us, and don't expect my help again any time soon with an attitude like that. 

But--it is now early morning on Thanksgiving.  I have not been participating in the 'grateful' game on Facebook (which was going strong in the beginning of November, but has tapered off significantly).  I really do try to be grateful--I try to thank all of the people who help me in the O.R., especially the orderlies who work so hard.  I'm less thankful at home, because Allen and I rarely see each other, and (although I shouldn't) I don't often give thanks because I don't often get thanks.  I have to remind Allen of the things I do to get a thank you out of him, and that gets old.

Okay--enough complaining.  It's time to count my blessings (and maybe you'll learn something about me).  C'mon, Mary.  It's freaking Thanksgiving!  (These are in random order.)

1.  I'm grateful for my car.  It needs repairs, and it drives me crazy when Benji kicks open the center console (which he does CONSTANTLY), but it is pretty reliable, fun to drive, and has an awesome sound system.  Plus, it's pretty cute.

2.  I'm grateful for our house--especially for my craft room/office.  It's MY space--it has so many of my favourite things in it, and it's nice to have a place of my own.

3.  I am grateful for 4-H.  I learned so many life skills (especially cooking!) in those little meetings in Panguitch.  It was a very good thing.

4.  I'm grateful for Doctor Who.  Yes, it's cheesy, and super-nerdy, but I LOVE IT.  I drove to Logan with my friend Lorraine on Saturday to watch "The Day of the Doctor" at Rachael's house, and I saw it again at the Cinemark in Jordan Landing on Monday night.  I love that it brings so many people together, who might not otherwise know each other.  For example, I have worked with Lorraine for years, but I never really got to know her until I found out she was a Whovian.  And she is awesome.  Yes, she is a little crazy, but she's really a great person.

5.  I am grateful for my musical training (thanks, Mom & Dad!).  I spent several years taking piano lessons and cello lessons and bass lessons, and I played in the orchestra all through High School.  I learned how to love and appreciate music, to read it and understand it.  I would like to take singing lessons at some point, since one item on my bucket list is to be in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, but . . . I have other priorities at the moment.  

6.  I am grateful for my family.  We are going through a rough patch right now, but they truly are my favorite people.  I am extremely blessed to have such wonderful people in my tribe.

7.  I am grateful for my happy childhood.  For a long time, I thought my parents were mean, or didn't care about me.  Of course, now that I'm a parent, I'm in awe of how they raised all six of us with what we needed.  I had a lot of freedom, because they knew they could trust me.  I wasn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I wasn't smothered or shamed--I was encouraged to work hard and that good grades were their own reward.  

8.  I am grateful for my job.  Some things (and some people) drive me nuts, but all in all--I enjoy it.  I like to help patients, to talk with highly educated people on a daily basis, to learn new things, and to get a paycheck.  I wish I didn't have to work full-time, but there are a lot of people out there who wish they could.

9.  I am grateful for my insurance, and that my premiums only went up $3/paycheck.  We have a high-deductible plan ($3,000 deductible/$6,000 out-of-pocket max), and it makes me a little nervous.  It has been okay this past year (no major catastrophes!), so we'll try it again.  Considering how much some people are having to pay for insurance (thanks to Obamacare), I feel very blessed.  I think Scott and Peggy are paying more per month in premiums than I am paying for an entire year, and for basically the same insurance.  Crazy.

10.  I am grateful for my ward.  There are a lot of great people in my neighborhood, and their testimonies help strengthen my own.  Some people see how much we struggle through church, and we have received some lovely notes of encouragement.  I got a call from a neighbor last week, who was just thinking about me.  It's very sweet, and I'm thankful for people who are able to see past my 'brave face.'

11.  I'm thankful for my senses--that I can see beautiful colors and faces, that I can smell the heavenly scents of Thanksgiving, that I can hear the Christmas carols on the radio, that I can touch the soft skin of my little boy, that I can taste all of the lovely dishes we will eat later today.  

12.  I'm thankful for my body, that I am able to walk and move freely, that my mind is able to comprehend the things I read, see and hear, and that I am able to communicate by so many methods. 

13.  I am thankful for my friends and extended family.  I know some truly amazing people. 

I was going to try to get to #28, since today is the 28th of November, but I'm really tired and I need to get up early to drive to Logan in time to get some pigs-in-a-blanket for breakfast.  SAVE ME SOME PIGGIES!

Count your blessings, name them one by one.  

Count your many blessings, see what God has done.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.  Make it a good one.

I Don't Know If I've Ever Been Good Enough

One would think I'd be used to rejection by now.  I've had a lot of it in my lifetime, and it seems like I've had quite a lot lately.  A few examples, you ask?  Sure.  The following are examples from the past couple of months.

• After working all night, shopping, cleaning, struggling through church and cooking dinner, my friends text me to cancel.  No reason is given, but I find out later that they went out to dinner instead.  Okay.
• One of the managers at work pulls me into her office to tell me that one of the doctors has requested that I not work with him anymore, because my back is slightly exposed by my sterile gown.  They ordered a larger size, and I need to wear those now.  No problem.  
• I got an e-mail from the University of Utah, telling me that I was not selected for the P.A. Program.  I don't even get an interview.  Oh--and I only get three chances to apply, so this is my first strike.  Eating humble pie, but not wholly unexpected.
• I found out that one of my best friends from high school, who now lives in Florida, was in Logan for her grandmother's funeral.  We made plans to see each other sometime Saturday afternoon, so I took a day-trip (90 miles each way, with Benji in tow) and waited.  After a few hours, she texted me: "We just finished and I'm exhausted.  I think I have to skip. :(  I'm really sorry."  I understand.  No big deal.
• I was assigned to work in OR 18 the other day, with one Dr. W.  He is notoriously picky about who he lets work in his room, and he has sent me away before (supposedly because he doesn't know me, though I have worked with him in the past).  I told the charge nurse that, and she said he didn't really have a choice.  So I gather my supplies and come in the room and start opening my gloves.  He looked up from the OR table and said: 

          Dr. W: "Uh, who is this?"
          Me: "Mary."
          Dr. W: "Who are you here for?"
          {I gestured to Eileen, his first-assistant and girlfriend}
          Dr. W: "Who is the charge nurse?"
          Me: "Stephanie."
          He paused for a few moments, while continuing to work.
          Me: "Is it okay if I scrub in?"
          Dr. W:  "I'm sorry, Mary.  Not right now."
          I knew that was coming.  He is who he is.

These are just a few examples.  Let's not forget the trauma of planning parties to which nobody shows up, having your best friend break up with you because you are too needy, or telling someone you are in love with him, only to have him tell you he's just not interested.  Those are long past, so they shouldn't still hurt, right?  Riiiiight.  You know, I try really hard to be chill, to go with the flow, to not be easily offended.  Well, tonight was the straw that broke the camel's back, and I unleashed a small torrent of bile and vitriol in the form of ugly texts toward my unsuspecting and undeserving sister.  Sarah, I'm truly sorry for the mean things I said.  The way I unloaded on you was completely inappropriate and unfair.  It was a little thing (and we aren't supposed to let the little things bother us, right?), but it just hit me the wrong way.

Sarah asked me if she could use my camera on Saturday.  I asked her why, and she said Savannah had asked her (Sarah) to take her engagement photos.  I offered to, but Sarah said, "She wants really flattering angles and tometimes (sic) you take not so flattering pics of people lol."

The fact that it was a joke to her set me off.  I knew I shouldn't have been offended, but I was.  You know how, when people are angry in cartoons, smoke comes out of their ears?  My ears were red, quite literally.  I could feel it.  So I replied, getting more and more sarcastic and snarky.  I said, "Wow.  Thanks."

Sarah: "No offense.  You like the candid shots but she just wants to make sure it's very flattering.  That's all."
Me: "Kinda hard not to be.  And sure, you can take my camera, even though you've never used a Nikon DSLR before (except mine).  Should work out great for you."
S:  "Wow.  I really wasn't meaning to offend Mary.  She's just nervous about looking big in her photos.  She'd been reading up on plus size photography and asked me to do it so I thought I'd ask.  But really if you're offended then we can do without."  {She then texted me a link to http://plussizephotography.blogspot.com/}
I thought for a few minutes before I sent her this one.  I shouldn't have done it, but for two seconds it felt good.  I said: "I'm sure reading one website and taking 10,000 selfies makes you amply qualified.  No worries.  It's the camera that makes ALL the difference.  Experience is way overrated."

Sarah replied very reasonably, telling me I was choosing to be offended and that she had no idea where this anger was coming from.  I said some things she didn't deserve or need to read, and some of which really weren't true, either.  I did try to come up with an analogy, so that she could understand how I felt.  This is what I should have said: How would you feel if I had a friend who needed counseling, and I sent her to a different social worker because I don't think she would like what you had to say?  I told Sarah she is a great social worker, and she has a lot of experience giving advice and helping people.  She takes pride in that.  Photography isn't my chosen career, but I have been studying and trying to figure it out for several years.  But apparently that doesn't count, because not all of my pictures are flattering.

I then apologized.  I said, "Basically, I'm sorry.  I love you, I love Savannah, and I'm angry at myself for reacting the way I did.  You are welcome to use my camera."

Sarah said: "I'm sorry too.  My approach was less than diplomatic and I should have thought twice about it.  I love you too.  Thanks for the apology.  We're all human and I'm happy to forgive when someone owns it. :-)"

Again, Sarah, I'm sorry.  I shouldn't have been offended.  I should have just let it go, like I have tried to do with all of the aforementioned rejections.  I really do try to keep the peace and avoid confrontation, and to do so, I rarely stand up for myself.  I take it, because it shouldn't be a big deal; I have bigger things to worry about; and if that person really knew me, he or she might think differently.

But what was different about this was that my sister does know me.  She knows that I do put a lot of time and money and effort into my photography, and it became a joke.  Something I work hard at suddenly became worthless, and that hurt.  No, I don't put all of the value of my work on one person's opinion, but for someone who hates herself as much as I do, to have one of very few things I like about myself stripped away by a text message just sucks.

A few weeks ago, I had a good conversation with Peggy over breakfast at Denny's.  She said that I would always find a reason to be unhappy.  Even if Allen were the perfect husband or if Benji wasn't autistic, I would still feel the same way, because I don't love myself.  Because I don't believe that anyone really could love me.  And it's true: I believe I am unloveable.  I know Heavenly Father loves ALL of His children, and maybe He does love me, but I don't know how to feel it.  I don't know how to love my husband, because I don't believe he actually could love me.  There must be something wrong with him if he does.

I really don't know how to feel loved.  Hell--I don't even know how to take a compliment.  I start crying when someone says something nice about me.  So I try to direct the attention away from myself.  I stay behind the lens, so I don't have to be in the picture.  I stay busy with Benji and my shows and my job and my calling and my chores so I don't have to think about the sad state of my tattered, unwanted heart.

I probably shouldn't even publish this post.  Like so many others, it should probably remain in draft form.  This isn't a cry for help, and I'm not looking for validation or anything; I just needed to get this weight off my chest, so tomorrow I can go back to trying to stay afloat.  I just struggle, and writing is therapeutic for me.

Happier stuff next time, I promise.