This Year, To Save Me From Tears

Two posts in one week!? You're welcome. (Yes, I know that it means nothing to anyone but me, however, it is an accomplishment!)

I like to do these year-in-review posts as a good summary of my year. (FYI, here are the posts from 2013, 2012, 2011, and 2010).  So here's my 2014 in a nutshell.

What did you do in 2014 that you’d never done before?
Buy a gym membership. Actually, I bought two--one to Planet Fitness and the other to the Kearns Oquirrh Park Fitness Center. Do I use them? Uh . . .

Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Honestly, I don't remember what they were. Probably the usual, and I probably will.

Did anyone close to you give birth?

Several Facebook friends, and my cousin Heather, but not anyone particularly close.

Heather, Brandon, Lucy and Baby Henry at Lake Crescent, Washington

Did anyone close to you die?

Not really. I didn't know Robin Williams personally, but his death really hit me hard. What an amazing man he was.

What countries did you visit?

I got very close to Canada. Let's change this to states, eh? I went to Arizona, Nevada, Idaho, Oregon and Washington. 

What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?

More quality family time.

What date from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory?

October 15, when I found out that my sister was in jail. Again.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I don't really have one, although getting family pictures done was kind-of a big (expensive!) deal. My goals are mostly just to get through the day/shift/week/month, so there isn't anything huge. Maybe I should set my sights a bit higher.

What was your biggest failure?

I feel like I totally failed my sister (and her children). I know I can't fix things for her, and I could be much more Christlike in my attitude toward her. 

Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nothing major.

What was the best thing you bought?

A car. I purchased a 1996 Honda Civic from my friend Whitnee. The Civ Civ is a good car (I haven't been able to come up with a good name for her yet), and she gets awesome gas mileage, but she needs a new muffler and catalytic converter. Grrr.

Whose behavior merited celebration?

My parents. They have been wonderful missionaries in Peru. The rest of us would do well to follow their examples.

Where did most of your money go?

Bills. Car. Food. Concerts. Gifts. Bath & Body Works. Busath Photography.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?

U2's new album "Songs of Innocence" and concert announcement! Yay!!!

What song will always remind you of 2014?

Probably "Shake it Off" by Taylor Swift (I'm pretty sure I need some Swiftamine!) Without further ado, here's Mary's top 10 of 2014.

10. "All About That Bass" by Meghan Trainor

9. "Counting Stars" by OneRepublic

8. "Blank Space" by Taylor Swift

7. "Stay With Me" by Sam Smith

6. "Pompeii" by Bastille

5.  "Shut Up and Dance" by Walk the Moon

4. "Home" by American Authors 

3. "Word Crimes" by Weird Al Yankovic

2.  "My Body" by Young the Giant 

1. "Every Breaking Wave" by U2

It's hard to choose which U2 song is my favourite: "Iris" and "Cedarwood Road" were definitely up there. The whole album is just fantastic.

And the concert list for this year: 

Young the Giant (with You, Me & Apollo) 4/10/2014 @ The Complex

One Republic (with The Script and American Authors) 6/14/2014 @ USANA 

Dan Reynolds (from Imagine Dragons) 7/17/2014 @ Sandy Amphitheater

American Authors (with Echosmith and The Mowgli's) 10/13/2014 @ The Depot

Bastille (with Ella Eyre) 11/11/2014 @ UCCU

Compared to this time last year, are you:

   Happier or sadder? Sadder, I guess.

   Thinner or fatter? Fatter.

   Richer or poorer?  Poorer, probably. I made more, but I still don't have much to show for it.

What do you wish you’d done more of?  

Exercising.  Spending time with my boy.

What do you wish you’d done less of?  

Staying up too late.

How will you be spending Christmas? 

Next Christmas? Not sure. Hopefully in Logan.

Did you fall in love in 2014?

Not really. I did start holding my husband's hand again.

Who were your best friends?

Peggy, Allison, Stacy, Wendy, DeLayna and my siblings.

What thing did you do that was meaningful to others?

Christmas cards, I hope. That's why I send them: to let people know I'm thinking about them, even if it's only expressed once per year.

What were your favorite TV programs?

Doctor Who, Downton Abbey, Sherlock, Call the Midwife, Glee, Grey's Anatomy, The Mindy Project, The Following, and Gracepoint. I LOVED Super Fun Night and Selfie, but those were both cancelled. I don't think Gracepoint is coming back either, but Broadchurch starts up again next week!

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Not really. 

What was the best book you read in 2014?

I haven't read a lot this year, but "The Casual Vacancy" by J.K. Rowling was so good. It haunts me.

What was your greatest musical discovery?

Young the Giant. I didn't know much of their music before I went to their concert last April, but they really are fantastic. "Get out your guns, it's time to start a fight."

What did you want and get?

Tickets to see U2 next May!  Woo!!

What did you want but did NOT get?

A trip on an airplane. It will happen in 2015!

What was your favorite film of this year?

Interstellar. That was unbelievable. It might be a top-10 of all-time (and was incredible in IMAX). Other movies I saw? Guardians of the Galaxy, The Grand Budapest Hotel, The Lego Movie, and The Imitation Game. I also went to see the premier of Season 8 of Doctor Who ("Deep Breath") in the theater. 

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Not much. I turned 35. Good lord, I'm old.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

More money and less work. 

What kept you sane?

My mother-in-law Tollene. She moved in with us in July, and has taken over most of the cleaning and laundry, etc. It's so nice having her here.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Still David Tennant, though Benedict Cumberbatch is a very close second.

What political issue stirred you the most?

Race issues, with the riots in Ferguson, MO and protests everywhere. It scares me.

Who did you miss?

My family.  Dave & Lex are still in Phoenix, Rach & Wow (and Rebecca) are still in Logan, and Mom & Dad are still in Peru. Sarah isn't too far, but I don't get to see her very often.

Who was the best new person you met this year?

Benji's teacher Miss Katie. I adore her.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014.

God loves us too much to take away our agency.

Quote that sums up your year:

A quote from U2:

"Free yourself to be yourself;

if only you could see yourself."

(from "Iris," Songs of Innocence) 

Here's to a brilliant 2015!

Let Your Heart Be Light

Ooh, 3am. I probably shouldn't start a new blog post, but this has been rumbling about in my head all day.

It's the day after Christmas (well, technically the day after the day after, since it is 3am, but I haven't gone to bed yet, so we'll just stick with the day after). And I'm glad Christmas is over.

I have spent so much time and energy into this Christmas that now (finally!) my heart feels lighter. I know I put the pressure on myself. I need to set my limits and not try to do everything I feel like I need to do, but I did accomplish quite a bit. Even so, I feel like this Christmas was a failure.

Damn it, Satan. Get thee hence!

The adversary wants me to feel like I failed. Maybe I did--there were several things that didn't get done, like my gifts for my brother Dave and his family. My plans for them were a bit ambitious, and slightly hinged upon their coming to Utah for Christmas. They didn't, and I just ran out of time to finish my projects and get them shipped (#ChristmasFail). So I sent them an e-gift card: a total cop-out, but the best I could do at the time. I also told them I will send them a package in January, when I do actually finish what I set out to do.

Here's the next fail: I had a goal. I'm not sure where I heard it, but it has been my mantra all year: "Wrapped and done by December 1."

Nope. Guess who was up until 5am on Christmas Eve/Christmas morning wrapping gifts?

Sigh.

I tried SO HARD to get it all done. I did most of my shopping online before December rolled around, and I even did some wrapping (sans bows, since those get crunched if you do them too early), but it still wasn't enough for me.

I did two angel tree gifts. Well, three technically, since one I couldn't tell if it read boots or books, so I got them both. But I didn't donate anything to the food pantry or volunteer at the homeless shelter. 

I got pictures taken and printed and sent out my personally-addressed cards with at least a week for delivery. But my enclosed letter offended my sister, we got in a fight and now she won't speak to me at all.

I put up the tree, lights, decor, everything by myself; though I did it before Thanksgiving, which is offensive to some people, and which I would never have done a few years ago. And I spent too much money on making my tree pretty, not full of fun memories for my child.

I thought I got good gifts for my husband and my mother-in-law and my child. I didn't get my uber-techy husband anything electronic; he asked for a smart watch and I got him clothes. And my child was so obsessed with the first gift he opened that he had a hard time appreciating any of the cool things anyone else got for him.

I did neighbor gifts and actually introduced myself to the people in my cul-de-sac, though I should have done that two years ago when we moved in. I made GORP for them, though that batch wasn't very good, and I hope the addition of orange zest didn't get anyone sick. I made at least four double-batches of GORP (my recipe is here) for neighbors and co-workers, but I didn't get any to my sisters, who love it.

And all of this is on top of working full-time and trying to take care of my family and very busy autistic child, etc., etc., etc. But my mother-in-law does most of the housework anymore, so I really shouldn't be complaining.

Why is it so hard to be proud of our accomplishments? Why is it so easy to let the negative thoughts dissuade us from believing that we have actually done something well?  Is it pride?

Maybe. Probably.

I know I have an issue with pride; I was really offended when my husband went to our bishop to ask for help last year. We didn't really need it at the time, and I felt terribly guilty about receiving help when there are people who actually do need it. What we actually needed was for me to stick to a budget . . . another huge fail.

Even so--I am trying. There are SOOOO many things I could be doing better. I won't list them here, because it would definitely make this post {TLDR}. I wanted to make things nice for my family, even though by the end I was so exhausted that I slept most of Christmas day. I wanted to have a "merry little Christmas," and although I still feel like I failed, I tried.

And now I'm crying.

I really did try, and I just don't feel like anyone noticed. And that's the folly of my pride: I wanted someone to tell me I did a good job. Even if I feel like I didn't. Even if I don't know how to "do Christmas" when it's only the four of us.

Did Jesus notice? I hope so. I didn't focus on Him as much as I should have; I was too busy trying to get everything else done. But I know He sees my heart, and He knows how hard I am trying to do the right thing. Even if I don't know what that is sometimes. I AM trying to be like Him, and to do what He would have me do. I know I'm not even close to having this whole life-thing (let alone Christmas!) figured out, but I know I'm not alone.

He cares. He notices. He wants me to simplify and slow down and take some time to get to know Him again. 

Maybe that was my lesson from the Christmas season: to not let the clutter get in the way of the beauty. He is the Reason, the Light, the Gift. He is Love, pure and simple.

Cards, gifts, projects--they aren't bad things, as long as we remember why we do them. 

I will remember. I will let Him be the Light in my heart.