This Year, To Save Me From Tears

Two posts in one week!? You're welcome. (Yes, I know that it means nothing to anyone but me, however, it is an accomplishment!)

I like to do these year-in-review posts as a good summary of my year. (FYI, here are the posts from 2013, 2012, 2011, and 2010).  So here's my 2014 in a nutshell.

What did you do in 2014 that you’d never done before?
Buy a gym membership. Actually, I bought two--one to Planet Fitness and the other to the Kearns Oquirrh Park Fitness Center. Do I use them? Uh . . .

Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Honestly, I don't remember what they were. Probably the usual, and I probably will.

Did anyone close to you give birth?

Several Facebook friends, and my cousin Heather, but not anyone particularly close.

Heather, Brandon, Lucy and Baby Henry at Lake Crescent, Washington

Did anyone close to you die?

Not really. I didn't know Robin Williams personally, but his death really hit me hard. What an amazing man he was.

What countries did you visit?

I got very close to Canada. Let's change this to states, eh? I went to Arizona, Nevada, Idaho, Oregon and Washington. 

What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?

More quality family time.

What date from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory?

October 15, when I found out that my sister was in jail. Again.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I don't really have one, although getting family pictures done was kind-of a big (expensive!) deal. My goals are mostly just to get through the day/shift/week/month, so there isn't anything huge. Maybe I should set my sights a bit higher.

What was your biggest failure?

I feel like I totally failed my sister (and her children). I know I can't fix things for her, and I could be much more Christlike in my attitude toward her. 

Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nothing major.

What was the best thing you bought?

A car. I purchased a 1996 Honda Civic from my friend Whitnee. The Civ Civ is a good car (I haven't been able to come up with a good name for her yet), and she gets awesome gas mileage, but she needs a new muffler and catalytic converter. Grrr.

Whose behavior merited celebration?

My parents. They have been wonderful missionaries in Peru. The rest of us would do well to follow their examples.

Where did most of your money go?

Bills. Car. Food. Concerts. Gifts. Bath & Body Works. Busath Photography.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?

U2's new album "Songs of Innocence" and concert announcement! Yay!!!

What song will always remind you of 2014?

Probably "Shake it Off" by Taylor Swift (I'm pretty sure I need some Swiftamine!) Without further ado, here's Mary's top 10 of 2014.

10. "All About That Bass" by Meghan Trainor

9. "Counting Stars" by OneRepublic

8. "Blank Space" by Taylor Swift

7. "Stay With Me" by Sam Smith

6. "Pompeii" by Bastille

5.  "Shut Up and Dance" by Walk the Moon

4. "Home" by American Authors 

3. "Word Crimes" by Weird Al Yankovic

2.  "My Body" by Young the Giant 

1. "Every Breaking Wave" by U2

It's hard to choose which U2 song is my favourite: "Iris" and "Cedarwood Road" were definitely up there. The whole album is just fantastic.

And the concert list for this year: 

Young the Giant (with You, Me & Apollo) 4/10/2014 @ The Complex

One Republic (with The Script and American Authors) 6/14/2014 @ USANA 

Dan Reynolds (from Imagine Dragons) 7/17/2014 @ Sandy Amphitheater

American Authors (with Echosmith and The Mowgli's) 10/13/2014 @ The Depot

Bastille (with Ella Eyre) 11/11/2014 @ UCCU

Compared to this time last year, are you:

   Happier or sadder? Sadder, I guess.

   Thinner or fatter? Fatter.

   Richer or poorer?  Poorer, probably. I made more, but I still don't have much to show for it.

What do you wish you’d done more of?  

Exercising.  Spending time with my boy.

What do you wish you’d done less of?  

Staying up too late.

How will you be spending Christmas? 

Next Christmas? Not sure. Hopefully in Logan.

Did you fall in love in 2014?

Not really. I did start holding my husband's hand again.

Who were your best friends?

Peggy, Allison, Stacy, Wendy, DeLayna and my siblings.

What thing did you do that was meaningful to others?

Christmas cards, I hope. That's why I send them: to let people know I'm thinking about them, even if it's only expressed once per year.

What were your favorite TV programs?

Doctor Who, Downton Abbey, Sherlock, Call the Midwife, Glee, Grey's Anatomy, The Mindy Project, The Following, and Gracepoint. I LOVED Super Fun Night and Selfie, but those were both cancelled. I don't think Gracepoint is coming back either, but Broadchurch starts up again next week!

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Not really. 

What was the best book you read in 2014?

I haven't read a lot this year, but "The Casual Vacancy" by J.K. Rowling was so good. It haunts me.

What was your greatest musical discovery?

Young the Giant. I didn't know much of their music before I went to their concert last April, but they really are fantastic. "Get out your guns, it's time to start a fight."

What did you want and get?

Tickets to see U2 next May!  Woo!!

What did you want but did NOT get?

A trip on an airplane. It will happen in 2015!

What was your favorite film of this year?

Interstellar. That was unbelievable. It might be a top-10 of all-time (and was incredible in IMAX). Other movies I saw? Guardians of the Galaxy, The Grand Budapest Hotel, The Lego Movie, and The Imitation Game. I also went to see the premier of Season 8 of Doctor Who ("Deep Breath") in the theater. 

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Not much. I turned 35. Good lord, I'm old.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

More money and less work. 

What kept you sane?

My mother-in-law Tollene. She moved in with us in July, and has taken over most of the cleaning and laundry, etc. It's so nice having her here.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Still David Tennant, though Benedict Cumberbatch is a very close second.

What political issue stirred you the most?

Race issues, with the riots in Ferguson, MO and protests everywhere. It scares me.

Who did you miss?

My family.  Dave & Lex are still in Phoenix, Rach & Wow (and Rebecca) are still in Logan, and Mom & Dad are still in Peru. Sarah isn't too far, but I don't get to see her very often.

Who was the best new person you met this year?

Benji's teacher Miss Katie. I adore her.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014.

God loves us too much to take away our agency.

Quote that sums up your year:

A quote from U2:

"Free yourself to be yourself;

if only you could see yourself."

(from "Iris," Songs of Innocence) 

Here's to a brilliant 2015!

Let Your Heart Be Light

Ooh, 3am. I probably shouldn't start a new blog post, but this has been rumbling about in my head all day.

It's the day after Christmas (well, technically the day after the day after, since it is 3am, but I haven't gone to bed yet, so we'll just stick with the day after). And I'm glad Christmas is over.

I have spent so much time and energy into this Christmas that now (finally!) my heart feels lighter. I know I put the pressure on myself. I need to set my limits and not try to do everything I feel like I need to do, but I did accomplish quite a bit. Even so, I feel like this Christmas was a failure.

Damn it, Satan. Get thee hence!

The adversary wants me to feel like I failed. Maybe I did--there were several things that didn't get done, like my gifts for my brother Dave and his family. My plans for them were a bit ambitious, and slightly hinged upon their coming to Utah for Christmas. They didn't, and I just ran out of time to finish my projects and get them shipped (#ChristmasFail). So I sent them an e-gift card: a total cop-out, but the best I could do at the time. I also told them I will send them a package in January, when I do actually finish what I set out to do.

Here's the next fail: I had a goal. I'm not sure where I heard it, but it has been my mantra all year: "Wrapped and done by December 1."

Nope. Guess who was up until 5am on Christmas Eve/Christmas morning wrapping gifts?

Sigh.

I tried SO HARD to get it all done. I did most of my shopping online before December rolled around, and I even did some wrapping (sans bows, since those get crunched if you do them too early), but it still wasn't enough for me.

I did two angel tree gifts. Well, three technically, since one I couldn't tell if it read boots or books, so I got them both. But I didn't donate anything to the food pantry or volunteer at the homeless shelter. 

I got pictures taken and printed and sent out my personally-addressed cards with at least a week for delivery. But my enclosed letter offended my sister, we got in a fight and now she won't speak to me at all.

I put up the tree, lights, decor, everything by myself; though I did it before Thanksgiving, which is offensive to some people, and which I would never have done a few years ago. And I spent too much money on making my tree pretty, not full of fun memories for my child.

I thought I got good gifts for my husband and my mother-in-law and my child. I didn't get my uber-techy husband anything electronic; he asked for a smart watch and I got him clothes. And my child was so obsessed with the first gift he opened that he had a hard time appreciating any of the cool things anyone else got for him.

I did neighbor gifts and actually introduced myself to the people in my cul-de-sac, though I should have done that two years ago when we moved in. I made GORP for them, though that batch wasn't very good, and I hope the addition of orange zest didn't get anyone sick. I made at least four double-batches of GORP (my recipe is here) for neighbors and co-workers, but I didn't get any to my sisters, who love it.

And all of this is on top of working full-time and trying to take care of my family and very busy autistic child, etc., etc., etc. But my mother-in-law does most of the housework anymore, so I really shouldn't be complaining.

Why is it so hard to be proud of our accomplishments? Why is it so easy to let the negative thoughts dissuade us from believing that we have actually done something well?  Is it pride?

Maybe. Probably.

I know I have an issue with pride; I was really offended when my husband went to our bishop to ask for help last year. We didn't really need it at the time, and I felt terribly guilty about receiving help when there are people who actually do need it. What we actually needed was for me to stick to a budget . . . another huge fail.

Even so--I am trying. There are SOOOO many things I could be doing better. I won't list them here, because it would definitely make this post {TLDR}. I wanted to make things nice for my family, even though by the end I was so exhausted that I slept most of Christmas day. I wanted to have a "merry little Christmas," and although I still feel like I failed, I tried.

And now I'm crying.

I really did try, and I just don't feel like anyone noticed. And that's the folly of my pride: I wanted someone to tell me I did a good job. Even if I feel like I didn't. Even if I don't know how to "do Christmas" when it's only the four of us.

Did Jesus notice? I hope so. I didn't focus on Him as much as I should have; I was too busy trying to get everything else done. But I know He sees my heart, and He knows how hard I am trying to do the right thing. Even if I don't know what that is sometimes. I AM trying to be like Him, and to do what He would have me do. I know I'm not even close to having this whole life-thing (let alone Christmas!) figured out, but I know I'm not alone.

He cares. He notices. He wants me to simplify and slow down and take some time to get to know Him again. 

Maybe that was my lesson from the Christmas season: to not let the clutter get in the way of the beauty. He is the Reason, the Light, the Gift. He is Love, pure and simple.

Cards, gifts, projects--they aren't bad things, as long as we remember why we do them. 

I will remember. I will let Him be the Light in my heart. 

The Troubles

I think about blogging. A lot. I have a lot on my mind, and I really do enjoy writing it down. I like to write. It is therapeutic for me, and it does help me understand and process what is happening. Currently, a lot of my days are just slogging away . . . trying to get through the next twelve-hour shift, trying to get Benji to school on time (always a struggle), trying to stay awake through church, etc. Sometimes it's just everyday life, and although it is valuable, it isn't always noteworthy. Other times there are beautiful things that I want to remember and share, and it just doesn't happen (like my family reunion in July). I put a lot of pictures on Instagram, and I think that's just going to be the extent of my documentation.

At least I'm doing something to document daily life. I do take a fair number of pictures with my little iPhone, and I'll do some editing and share them. Getting likes is a bit of a thrill, but that's not why I do it. I try to share to connect with my friends and family, hoping that people will remember me. I'm not dying or anything, but I do know that life is short and you just never know what is around the corner. I feel like there's something kinda big coming (life-changing), and I'll know it when it happens. Until then, I'm just trying to be ready and do right by my little man.

Like I said, there are a lot of things on my mind these days. Here's a small part of that list (in no particular order, since my brain seems to remember things sporadically, however logical I may think I am!).

• I am at work currently, listening to "Songs of Innocence." The dropping of the new U2 album pretty much rocked the music world, and I'm loving it. I cannot wait until they tour!
• I will go see Bastille next week with Allison and her family. I'm very excited for that!
• I haven't blogged about any concerts this year. Grr. I saw Young the Giant back in April, OneRepublic in June, Dan Reynolds from Imagine Dragons in July, and American Authors in October. Excellent concerts all, and I just love hanging out with Allison and Cameron and Dawson. They are some of my favorite people.
• We don't have any concerts scheduled after Bastille, which makes me a little sad . . . I always need something to look forward to!
• I'm so glad I took Tuesday off work for said concert. I work too much, and I'm really getting burned out. Yes, I know many people work more hours than I do at jobs more difficult than mine, but it's too much for me. Part of me wants to just work somewhere that's NOT a hospital. Like Pier 1 Imports. That would be fun (and a LOT less stressful).
• For picking up some extra shifts, I got some movie tickets from one of the supervisors at work, which is nice. I really want to see "Interstellar" and "The Theory of Everything," though the latter is not yet playing in SLC. Boo. Allen and I actually have a date night planned for next week. Let's hope Grandma is feeling better by then.
• Did I mention that Grandma T (Allen's mother Tollene) is living with us now? There are some pros and cons to that . . . the cons mostly consisting of the pets she brought with her from California. They like to pee on the carpet, which makes me insane. They are smelly and the cat hates me (I'm not particularly fond of her, either).
• I really like my house to smell nice, and the pets are not helping with that. But Bath & Body Works candles are making it a bit easier. Sweater Weather is my favourite. Love, love, love.
• Grandma is getting baptized next week! I have not been a very good example, but I am truly very happy for her. She really is golden.
• Thanksgiving is coming up, and I may have overextended my little family. I want to do sweet potatoes and stuffing; I volunteered Allen to make a turkey, and I got Grandma on board with doing pies. How we are going to transport all of that to Logan remains to be seen.
• I also have my card exchange next week, and I haven't even started my projects. *sigh* I guess I know what I'll be doing on Wednesday/Thursday/Friday nights. Actually, pretty much every night this week until I get it done. Maybe I need to do some simplifying. 

So that was more of a stream-of-consciousness than what's on my mind. I hope you'll excuse that since it is 4:50am.

The troubles--which seem to preoccupy much of my mind the rest of the time--mostly center around my sister Rebecca. As some of you know, she is back in jail. I don't know how many times she has been incarcerated (three? four?), but I do know that she doesn't seem to be changing for the better. We hope, we pray, we try not to enable, or to get our hopes up too high, but we are all just doing the best we can to hang on. These waters are choppy, and this part of the sea is unknown to most of us. Dave and Lexy have some experience with family members who are addicts, and Sarah is familiar with their behaviours and psychology. The rest of us are really trying to hold our own families together and really struggling with what to do with Rebecca. How can I be Christlike and not make myself crazy? Can I really love her unconditionally, after all she has done? How can I judge her when I am so far from being perfect? I really need to cast the beam out of my own eye in order to see her more clearly, but how can I do that when I'm just getting through the day without an ounce of energy or compassion to spare?

From The Troubles by U2

You think it’s easier 

To put your finger on the trouble

When the trouble is you

And you think it’s easier

To know your own tricks

Well it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do

I have a will for survival 

So you can hurt me and then hurt me some more

I can live with denial 

But you’re not my troubles anymore

Somebody stepped inside your soul

Somebody stepped inside your soul

Little by little they robbed and stole

Till somebody else was in control

Leaving someone so bent on destroying herself to her own devices is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I want to do something, but I know there is nothing I can do to turn her back into the person I once knew. The girl I grew up with is barely recognizable, and I don't even know how to talk to her anymore. Of course, I can really only communicate via postcards at the moment, so there's not a lot of anything being said right now.

My heart breaks for her. I want to help and to make it right, but I can't. I am not able to fix this. I cannot make choices for her. I cannot pretend to understand that kind of addiction and how it shatters your ability to prioritise. 

I hope Drug Court helps her. I hope she begins to understand the consequences of her actions, and how they have consumed our family. I hope she will turn her heart back to her children and make them her mission in life. I should have more faith that she will; it is just hard to believe what you cannot see.

This is why I need my Savior. Only He can help us through this--give us enough strength to do what we have to do. It wasn't always easy for Him to accept the will of the Father, but He did it. He overcame every trial and pain imaginable, and because of that, He knows what I'm going through. He knows what I need before I even ask.

I cannot control everything, and it's exhausting trying to keep all of the balls in the air. Maybe it's time to let them fall where they may, and let Him pick them up for me. I think He would, if I'd give Him the opportunity. 

Trusting is hard. But I will try.

The Heart of a Girl

Nearly five months have gone by since my last post.  If I didn't have much of a following before, I'm sure I don't have an audience at all now; unless I decide to link to it from my Facebook.  I might; we'll see how eloquent I feel at 1:51 a.m.

My heart is heavy tonight with feelings of inadequacy.  I am NOT an adrenaline junkie; I don't seek out adventure or thrill and I pretty much retreat from conflict. I'm a peacemaker (as most middle-children are) and a centrist: I really try to see all sides of a story, and even then, I try to reserve judgement.  I'm not always successful at this and sometimes I do argue when I'm very passionate about something, but most of the time I just try to keep my head down and fly under the radar. I have enough going on in my little life that I feel my opinion is just a drop in the ocean: meaningless to anyone outside of myself. It is my opinion, however, and if you are reading this you might find some value in what I have to say, despite the small and simple nature of my voice.

The death of Robin Williams has been weighing on me. I haven't really cried yet; maybe I'm still in denial. I do know that he was a beautiful man and a tremendous actor. I am very grateful for the wonderful movies and words and deeds he left behind, to help those millions of us who are in mourning. While his death is a tragedy, I am grateful for the dialogue it has opened. Many people are talking and writing about suicide. I am not here to say whether suicide is right or wrong, whether or not a person who does a lifetime of good deeds is damned for a single decision. That judgement belongs to our loving Father in Heaven, who understands the pain and suffering of every tormented soul. Personally, I believe He will err on the side of mercy and kindness; would that we were as kind to ourselves.

I also know that I am not the only person to have thought of suicide. Being a rational creature, and having had my heart torn apart with the loss of loved ones, I know I could never actually go through with it. I couldn't leave that burden to my family. But I have been desperate enough to pray for an accident, cancer, or something else that would allow me to escape with dignity and without causing pain to others. I even had myself convinced that I would never live past age 35 (I'll be 36 in January). Alas--I am still here. 

Why am I still here? I wonder sometimes. I'm not going to change the world. I'm never going to be a fantastic mother or wife. I doubt I'll ever be famous (and I don't really want to be) or beautiful or thin or a "success story." So why should I continue to stick it out? 

Some say that hope is the answer. Yes, hope is important. I hope that, in the end, our Heavenly Father sees someone who has tried--maybe not as hard as I possibly could, but tried nonetheless--to be a good person, to help others and show love and serve His children. I hope He leans toward the side of mercy over justice when I stand before Him one day; but I can't hang my hat on hope. The idea that something better will come along is not enough. 

Obligation is a big part of why I'm still here. I signed up for this whole parenthood thing, and it is HARD. And I'm not very good at it. I'm far too selfish and I need time to myself, but I can't believe there is anyone on earth who loves my Benjamin as much as I do, and as long as he will let me, I will shower him with hugs and kisses every day. I may fail him completely and never see him as an independent adult; I may never understand what goes on in that brain of his, and I may never be as strong an Autism Advocate as I should be, but I'm trying. My best will never be enough, but dear Lord, I'm trying. I owe it to him to be around as long as I can.

I think the other reason why I haven't gone through with anything is because there is so much beauty in this world. I'm glad I can see it; I know some people cannot (or do not), and my heart breaks for them. The nature, the music, the architecture, the people . . . I have only seen and heard and felt a small part of what this earth has to offer, and there is so much more to experience. Rather than crossing things off, my bucket list keeps growing longer. I guess that is where my hope comes in--that I'll be able to travel and taste and see the wonders of this bountiful earth before I leave it. 

So there's my little drop in the ocean. It may not mean much in the sea full of voices, but it is my voice, and my opinions are as valid as anyone else's. We need to love each other, help each other, and let God be the judge. Please, my friends: let's be kind to one another. We are all fighting hard battles, and we need each other's strength.

Time Goes By

I missed the entire month of February. There have been things I want to write about, but most of it is just day-to-day. School, work, church, trying to keep up with the house and the laundry, etc. There isn't a lot that's special about these days. I feel pretty crummy that I didn't even do anything for Benji's birthday. I said that he wouldn't care, Allen wouldn't care, and the only one who cares about a party is me. So I thought we would do fun stuff and spoil him and go swimming . . . nope, nope and nope. We were sick (as per usual this time of year), Benji was having some serious attitude that weekend, and giving him cake would have only reinforced the bad behaviour. And I don't have a swimming suit that fits me right now. I'm such a slacker.

And now March is halfway over. I'm watching "The Fugitive" (my only St. Patrick's Day tradition) and doing laundry. I should be in bed, since I need to work 12 hours tomorrow. I'm back to the 11am-11pm shifts, which aren't too hard in-and-of themselves, but when I have three-in-a-row, it's brutal. I really should be sleeping.

I have been teaching the 6-7 year old kids in Primary, and it has been, well, interesting. They are funny and talkative and smart and exhausting. I had a co-teacher for a couple of weeks, but she asked to be released. So I have been on my own. They finally found some brethren who agreed to teach, but they don't put men and women who aren't married into the same class. So I will be going into Nursery: hanging with the 18-month to 3-year-olds. It will be fine; I just feel like it will be even more isolating for me at church. I was put into Primary about 3 weeks after we moved in, so pretty much the only adults I know are the teachers and leaders there. And now I'll be babysitting for two hours every week. I should be happier about it, but I'm sure I'll be comparing what these toddlers can do that my Benji can't. That's always a little depressing.

Aren't you glad you're still reading my blog? I used to be so good at writing. Not so much anymore. Another reason why I'm mother of the year.

Anyway, there's a super-quick update for me and my little life. I'll try to write something more meaningful soon.

"What is this, a trenchcoat convention?"

We Get To Carry Each Other

 {This is part two of little Ezra's birth story.}

The day after Ezra was born, his brothers and sister got to meet him!  It was kinda hard getting out of the door with all the kiddos in tow (especially with everyone still being a little sick), but we finally made it.

Kim, Zekey, Phoebe, Dave & Noah in front of West Valley Hospital

Into the Maternity Ward

And then to Lexy's room.

Apparently, it had been a break room before it was converted to a patient room, and it had a HUGE bathroom.  It was at least as big as the bed area, if not bigger.  It also had a lovely view of the air conditioning units on the roof.  We gathered all the kiddos into the bathroom so they could come out and meet him one at a time.  First up was Zeke.

Zekey's first peek

Then it was Phoebe's turn.

"Are you sure about this kid?"

"Yeah, he's all right."

Phoebe: "I think he might be the cutest boy in the family."
Zeke: "Oh, no she didn't!"

And {last but not least} Noah.

Noah: "I'm going to have to find a new hiding place for my Legos."

The Big Brothers

All four of the Nolan kids

The boys: Dave, Zeke, Ezra and Noah

The girls: Lex, Phoebe & Kim {Lexy's sister}

I tried to get some pictures of the handsome little man with his eyes open; I wasn't very successful.  His skin is super sensitive, so his face was really red.

Sweet baby Ezra

Everyone trying to get their hands on the baby

Ezra: "Too much love!"

Trying to wrangle all of them on one hospital bed

Phoebe: "I want to go to the butterfly museum!"

After feeding him for a few minutes, Lexy let the kiddos hold him for the first time.

I love the look on Zekey's face!

Poor Zeke did manage to bonk his head on a chair, and he got a pretty sad bump on the head.  But he was okay.

Kim, Zekey and the goose egg

And . . . I'll throw in a picture of my Benji for good measure.

We left shortly thereafter, to let Lexy get a little rest before she came home.  This is one of the last pictures I took at the hospital, and I love it.  Not only are they beautiful, but they are some of the most down-to-earth, good people who I know.  I'm so very blessed to call them family!

Family of Six

I love you guys!