Crashing In, Into My Little World

It's pretty depressing when the surgeon you're working with says, "This is torture" in a way that only you can hear it.  I understand that some doctors get easily frustrated, and it probably wasn't directed totally at me, but it still sucks.  It makes me not-so-enthusiastic about my job.  This particular surgeon isn't the nicest guy ever, and there are some techs who refuse to work with him.  Unfortunately I get stuck in there fairly often, which isn't great for my self-esteem . . . not that it's that great to begin with.

I don't know what I want.  I would love to stay home, but it's just not possible right now.  Would I be better off working elsewhere?  Should I go part-time?  On a whim, I applied for a scrub position at Primary Children's.  I wasn't sure if I was going to submit it or not, because it's for a day shift position, and we would have to find a babysitter/daycare for the boy.  I thought I had only saved the draft, but I received a phone call to schedule an interview.  That was last Friday, and walking into Primary's felt like coming home--I love it there, and I miss it.  The interview was between just me and the OR manager, and we just sat and talked for about an hour.  It was easy, and there were some good laughs about the differences and similarities between our ORs.  They should notify me this week if they will choose me or not, and if they do, I honestly don't know if I'll accept the offer.  After tonight--absolutely.  I love my co-workers and many of the doctors, and that would be the most difficult part of leaving.  I just don't know.  I'm exhausted and something needs to change.  The good thing about working day shift is that Allen and I might actually get some daylight together.  That might be nice.

Do you ever wonder how you got to where you are in life?  I know I made the decisions that led me here, but that doesn't mean that I want to be here.  Yeah.  Happy birthday to me.

And The World Seems To Disappear

Things I love about my Benji:

 

He's getting to be more affectionate. He'll sit on my lap and let me kiss him and squeeze him.  He'll also kiss me, although kissing is pretty much sticking his tongue out.  It's sweet, but very slobbery.  If he's really sleepy, he'll let me hold him and he'll rest his little head on my chest.  I love it.

He's such a climber.  He's always out of his crib in the mornings now, but he's fine playing in his room until I come get him.  I'll hear him talking (babbling) to himself, and it makes me laugh.

Benji has the best smile and laugh.  I'll do anything to get a smile!  He still anticipates a little tickling session when I'm lotioning him down after baths.  Sometimes I can get a funny, low chuckle, but he's always giggling.  He also likes to play "Tickle Monster" on our bed.  He'll climb up and wait for me to 'get him.'

He has crazy hair.  He needs a haircut now, but it's hard to justify spending so much on something that will last for a month (tops).  So I just let it be shaggy.  Actually, it's getting long enough that the crazy cowlick is lying down, and I don't want to give that up!  It is my nemesis!

Benji isn't talking much, although he has definitely picked up "No."  *sigh*  Sometimes he'll surprise us with some different words and sounds, but he's not very consistent.  I need to get him evaluated for some speech therapy . . . I'm just so busy that it hasn't happened yet.  Bad Mommy.

Benjamin loves to read.  Lots of times we'll find him in his room (and sometimes in the book box) just reading.  He loves the credits on TV shows and movies--maybe it's a combination of the words and the music, but often he's more interested in the credits than in the actual show.

He is starting to act like a two-year-old (his birthday is next month!  Can you believe it?).  We have seen a genuine tantrum, and he wants to do what he wants to do.  If not--the limp noodle.  It drives me nuts sometimes, and I usually end up dragging him places.  He doesn't take many naps anymore, but he is going to bed earlier.  He's still very good about going to bed if we do his routine, and if he's really tired, he'll fall asleep anywhere, standing up or not.  :o)  Funny kiddo.

Well, there's your Benji update for now.  I'm making his birthday party invitations, and it just blows me away how fast this little guy is growing up; I wish I weren't missing so much of it.  I love this little guy with all my heart.

Only Time Will Tell

I was doing some ortho at work tonight with Dr. Hawes and McCall (a PA), and we had some 70's music and hair bands playing on the old Slacker radio.  I knew some of the songs, but not many.  When we have it on the 80's stations, I'm golden--I love it.  We were discussing the music of the 90's, and she said there wasn't much memorable about the nineties.  I beg to differ.  I made an AWESOME 90's playlist.  I hadn't heard some of these songs in years, but man--there is some very good stuff there.  Memories!

Yes, there are some songs I'm a bit ashamed of, like Celine Dion and Backstreet Boys, but the 90's were such a formative time for me.  I learned a lot about my music preferences, and some albums defined my experiences in that time.

Enjoy.

Rejected.

We Are So Last Year

I took this idea from a blog I was stalking.  It's not original, but I liked it, so there you go.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you had never done before?
Not much, actually.  There are various surgeries I learned, but that happens all the time.  Wait--we grew a tomato plant!  I have never eaten food from a plant I took care of before.  I have never kept a plant alive long enough to do so, either.

2. What would you like in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

A vacation, a yard for Benji to play in, and a normal sleeping schedule.

3. My best memory of 2009.

We had some great family get-togethers, but I think the best day was when Benji finally decided to walk!

4. What was your biggest achievement?

Keeping Benji alive and happy

5. Did you or someone you know suffer any illness?

Unfortunately.  There were the two falls I had a work and the resulting nose surgery in November.  Allen had surgery in December, and he still trying to heal.  My sister Rebecca had surgery November as well, and my mom had a pituitary tumor removed in June.  That's not to mention all the illnesses Benji had, including RSV.  I think we are singlehandedly trying to keep the health care industry afloat.

6. What was your best purchase?

I got a killer deal from Fashion Bug with some great clothes, and my lovely camera.

7. Where did all your money go?

Bills and the boy.

8.  What was your favorite song for 2009?

Viva la Vida by Coldplay. I like to "play the tympani."

9. Who was your biggest influence of 2009?

Benji.  He makes me want to be a better person every day.

10. What was your favorite new TV show?

Glee and Lie to Me.  Good stuff.

11. What was your favorite new book?

"The Lost Symbol" by Dan Brown.  Incredible.  I always feel smarter after having read his books.

12. What was your favorite movie?

"Star Trek" was awesome.  I also loved "Angels and Demons" and "Julie & Julia."

13. What has kept you sane?

My family (for putting up with me), Brad (the social worker), Dr. Witbeck (for giving me some tough love), Scrubs (for making me laugh) and Hershey's Bliss.

I have to say I'm glad it's over.

You Are My Sunshine

I had this morning off, but tonight at work has been tough.  I'm tired, even though I have been getting a lot more sleep than usual!  I think it's partly the weather--I just want to hibernate.  I wish we could do more outdoor activities to wake up my brain, but the air quality is so bad here that we are advised to stay indoors.  Grrrr.  I'm going to try to take Benji out and about on Wednesday and Thursday this week; those are the days I have off, and he's getting serious cabin fever.  He can be a destructive little monkey, but he's such a sweet boy.  He likes to sit with me now, especially if I'm on the floor.  I was trying to cut coupons this morning, and he was trying to watch PBS kids and sit on my lap and eat Cheerios all at the same time.  It was a bit unruly, but I love having him close by so I can kiss his little head and tickle his little shoulders and whisper "I love you" in his little ear.  This boy is truly my sunshine.  He makes me happy when skies are grey!  (And yes, I sing "You Are My Sunshine" to him everyday.)

No word from Logan yet.  Keep your fingers crossed!

This Melancholy Soundtrack to her Smile

Last weekend we went to Logan, and I drove Gigi (the Corolla).  I pulled out one of my old mix CDs that was really depressing.  Some of the songs are posted on my playlist below.  I couldn't find the Peter Gabriel/Kate Bush song on that website.  It's a beautiful song, even if it's pretty depressing.  Here are the lyrics.

"Don't Give Up"

in this proud land we grew up strong
we were wanted all along
I was taught to fight, taught to win
I never thought I could fail

no fight left or so it seems
I am a man whose dreams have all deserted
I've changed my face, I've changed my name
but no one wants you when you lose

don't give up, 'cos you have friends
don't give up, you're not beaten yet
don't give up, I know you can make it good

though I saw it all around
never thought I could be affected
thought that we'd be the last to go
it is so strange the way things turn

drove the night toward my home
the place that I was born, on the lakeside
as daylight broke, I saw the earth
the trees had burned down to the ground

don't give up, you still have us
don't give up,we don't need much of anything
don't give up, 'cause somewhere there's a place where we belong

rest your head

you worry too much
it's going to be alright
when times get rough
you can fall back on us
don't give up
please don't give up

'got to walk out of here
I can't take anymore
going to stand on that bridge
keep my eyes down below
whatever may come
and whatever may go
that river's flowing
that river's flowing

moved on to another town
tried hard to settle down
for every job, so many men
so many men no-one needs

don't give up, 'cause you have friends
don't give up, you're not the only one
don't give up, no reason to be ashamed
don't give up, you still have us
don't give up now, we're proud of who you are
don't give up, you know it's never been easy
don't give up, 'cause I believe there's the a place
there's a place where we belong.

I'm not that depressed these days--just very tired.  I actually found it a little surprising how depressing that CD was!  Even so, there were some great tunes that I felt like sharing.

I'm actually feeling rather happy at the moment.  Here are the reasons:  a) Allen is feeling better and has gone back to work this week, b) I'm off for the next three days, c) it's Stake Conference this weekend, so I don't have to stress about Primary, and d) Allen has a job interview today!  Yay!  It would be so nice if he actually had a job he could enjoy, and that pays a decent wage, and that would allow me to be more of a mother than the part-time mother-type figure/slacker who is tired all the time.  I'll try to keep y'all updated. :o)

When I Think of Winter

First post of the year--I was hoping it would be better, but sorry.  This is what you get.

Cute Tessa.  She's so photogenic.

Me and the boy.  He was so cold!!

I love this one of Dad and Grandmother.  They had a good time.

Baby Sabrina was blessed on Sunday.

She's such a beautiful baby girl!

I'll write more when I'm not so tired.  Must sleep.