Our Choices Seal Our Fate

Burning Bridges

Do you know why your bridges burn?

Or how this fire began?

Our lives have taken this left turn,

The flames we now must fan.

I love you so, my dearest friend:

In tandem have we grown.

Our sisterhood will never end,

The time has quickly flown.

Your choices separate us now.

Oh, how I wish you'd see

The burden set upon your brow

Cannot be fixed by me.

Some help, so many tried to get;

But fires have burned there, too--

This self-destructive path is set.

It now depends on you.

Where is the 'lowest of the low?'

When does this horror end?

I wish I could soften the blow,

Your soul I would defend.

My lovely girl, you seem so lost:

You don't know who you are.

My heart, it aches to count the cost

Of how it's burned so far.

Please find yourself, O fairest one.

You deserve so much more.

Forgive me now--what's done is done.

I can't even the score.

The hardest love--the toughest kind,

The truth will help you see.

Reality cannot be blind

Nor set our worries free.

This separation hurts us all;

And each of us must grieve.

We do not wish to see you fall--

In this, you must believe.

You need more help than we can give;

It's time for someone new

To understand the way you live

And do what's best for you.

One day, I hope you'll understand

How hard it is to see

A sister's love slip from your hand

And from your life so flee.

When you are ready to return,

With open arms, we'll wait.

We'll build new bridges--n'er to burn.

Our choices seal our fate.

--Mary Nolan Cox

27 August 2013

Don't Fade Away

This has been a rough week.  Thursday was particularly brutal.  Benji had pooped in his bedroom sometime before I got up, so I had to clean up after him.  He managed to get some behind his bed, so I had to pull it out from the wall to wipe it up.  While I was pushing the bed back into place, I heard a "crunch" in my elbow.  It hurt and was weakened immediately.  I texted McCall (my friend, the ortho PA) to see if she could fit me into her clinic that day.  She couldn't on Thursday, so I made an appointment for Friday.  When Allen came home from work, he convinced me to go to InstaCare.  That was fine: they took some x-rays, gave me a prescription for pain meds and sent me on my way.  I was pretty useless the rest of the day (I called in sick to work), and the Tylenol w/Codeine made me zone out even more.  Truthfully, I just don't like narcotics.  I'd rather feel pain than have my brain be fuzzy like that.

Once the pain pill wore off and I was more coherent, I checked my facebook.  I was shocked to see this:

I didn't really believe it at first.  I knew Aaron and Ann from High School.  Actually, Aaron and I were born on the exact same day.  The three of us had classes together and graduated together, and I absolutely adored her.  This little burden sat in my heart for a couple of days, and I kept checking the obituaries in the Herald Journal because I needed proof (pretty sure I was in denial).  And today, I found this:

So it's true.  My beautiful friend has left this world.  My heart is aching, but I'm grateful that I have next Tuesday off so I can go to the gathering in her honor.  {Pictures are from Aaron's Facebook page}

Ann in Paris

Truth be told, I didn't know either of them very well, but we were friends.  In high school, we had several of the same classes.  I would sit next to her in AP Biology, and we would talk about music and cute boys (though she only ever really had eyes for Aaron).  I actually saw them shortly after I returned from my mission, and shortly after they were married: we were the only three people in the Utah Theater for a screening of "Le fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain."  She deleted her Facebook account for a while, but when she came back, I befriended her immediately.  This was the last conversation we had last May:

• Conversation started May 3
• 

  4:50pm

  Wilde Annimal

  Dearest Mary,

  I got off fb to work on my dissertation, and because I was offending endless high school friends. Please edit me. I would hate to offend or alienate you. You you one of my favs! Hope you and yours are well! Much love, Ann
• May 3
• 

  9:02pm

  Mary Nolan Cox

  It takes a lot more than liberal leanings to offend me, so don't even worry about it. Are you done with your dissertation? Should I call you Dr. Ann? I would, because you are that awesome. Love ya!
• 

  9:20pm

  Wilde Annimal

  It will be a year yet. I know 10 years and only a couple of degrees seems useless. I'm writing a biography, and I want my committee and my mom to read it. Impossible. Anyway, I have about 20 friends and they were only people who wouldn't hate me for the "F" word--- even elderly friends in NY. I use it a lot, because I know it makes them chuckle at a Mormon girl using it. Please, just block my posts. I have such a potty mouth. I'm so sorry! You are lovely as always!
• 

  9:33pm

  Mary Nolan Cox

  I work in the OR, where language is routinely of the potty variety. So I'm not offended, damn it! Things got a little ugly last November, but I don't let little things bother me. :0)
• 

  9:37pm

  Wilde Annimal

  Oh, love. How are you healing from November?
• 

  9:44pm

  Mary Nolan Cox

  Just from the election. People got really fired up and mean to each other. I seriously hate election season. But that's how it goes, right? Life goes on. How are you?
• 

  12:15am

  Wilde Annimal

  I don't like either party...do some work people! I was worried it was personal. Anyway block me I like that word too much! I'm fine. Working on myself. Aways working on myself!
• 

  1:29am

  Mary Nolan Cox

  You and me both. I can't affiliate either way...I'm pretty sure everybody in Washington is corrupt. So I just try to ignore it. I have enough to worry about! Are you back in Logan?

And that's where it ended.  She never replied, but she and Aaron had moved back to Logan from Ithaca, NY.  I kept meaning to find her and go to lunch; I never dreamed I wouldn't have the chance.

Aaron, Ann & Amanda (another LHS '97 friend) in New York

Even though I don't know her very well, I am very much saddened by her passing.  I went through all of my old pictures, convinced I had one of both of us.  If I did, I can't find it.  I had a few random snapshots of her from our last days at Logan High, but nothing extraordinary.  They certainly didn't capture her light like these pictures do.

Ann was one of those people whom you can never forget.  Even though we hadn't seen each other in years, I still considered her a dear friend.  She was smart, beautiful, uncommonly kind, radiant, and good.  I truly adored her, and I feel so privileged to have known her in this life.

For those of you who are reading my blog, I just want to tell you I love you while I have the chance.  I know that spirits continue to exist after they have departed their mortal bodies, and I know I will see Ann again.  But while we are here in this precious, fleeting world, please know how grateful I am for you.  Even if I haven't seen you for a while, you are cherished.  You are held deep in my heart, and I will love you forever.

Ann, ma chère, thank you for sharing your light with me.  Thank you for making this world a better place.  Thank you for your friendship--you are one of the loveliest people I have ever known.  Until we meet again, darling.

My Heart Was Flawed, I Knew My Weakness

I can't believe I haven't posted anything since May.  Wow--I'm a struggler!  I have been thinking about various things I'd like to write about, but I have been very busy.  I have submitted my application (and $175 processing fee!) to CASPA (Centralized Application Service for Physician Assistants).  I also did the supplemental application required for the University of Utah.  That was a timed essay application, and apparently my last answer didn't save because the timer ran out before I saved it.  *sigh*  So once I do that (again), and the CASPA people verify my grades against the official transcripts I have sent, my application can be reviewed by the U.  They will then decide if I get an interview, and then--well, we will have to wait and see.

The application required a lot of introspection.  I had to enter and classify every course I took in college (including those in high school, so I had to send an official transcript from USU as well).  And not just every course, including the ones I withdrew from, but all of the grades too.  That was pretty depressing.  I also had to enter my entire job history and try to remember my old supervisors' names, dates, hours worked, job descriptions, etc.  That was a little disheartening too, because I have, uh, been around.  I have been employed by Intermountain Healthcare for 11 years now, but I have worked at six different facilities therein.  Yikes.

And, as if that wasn't enough, I had to get letters of recommendation (which I have waived my right to see).  I had three people write them for me: Dr. Ray Price (a surgeon with whom I have worked for several years), McCall, a PA with whom I work regularly, and Chito, my supervisor.  Ray finished his the day after I e-mailed it to him, but I had to nag McCall and Chito a bit.

And the bit that had me the most  preoccupied: the narrative.  It's the place where you get to stand out, and they want something that will really make them remember you--in 5,000 characters or less.  I went through several versions in my brain, several re-writes, and even on the day I submitted the application I was finishing up the edits (final character count: 4,997!).

I'm not incredibly proud of it, but I did try to be honest and eloquent.  I tried not to over-do the road-trip metaphor, though it would have been better if I had shared my actual European road trip adventure.  I'll probably get another chance to apply next year, so I'll have to keep that in mind.

Anyway, here it is: my heart served up on a platter, for complete strangers to read and judge.  I'm happy to share it with you, especially if you actually still read this blog.  If you do, thank you.

* * * * * * * *

Every life has a few defining moments. Like a cross-country road trip, you start out wandering through side streets and alleyways until you find a road you want to take. Sometimes that road is a slow path; sometimes it's an eight-lane highway. Those moments are the intersections of where you are and where you want to be. Decisions must be made, and the journey must continue one way or the other.

I won't pretend that my journey is particularly special; I have experienced many things common to the human race: school, work, marriage, parenthood, etc.  While these paths are important, they are not what my story is about.  My personal road trip cannot be defined by any long stretch of highway (like the never-ending interstate of parenthood), but my life has been heading in a certain direction; I just didn't realize it until a few months ago.

Let me back up.  The first important intersection I came to was in 1997.  I was granted a scholarship to the University of Utah, as part of the ACCESS program for women in science.  Having chosen that road truly defined my college career and influenced many other choices I have made since. Several of my fellow ACCESS comrades have gone on to become physicians, engineers, teachers, and wonderful stay-at-home mothers.

Once my freshman year was over, I realized that being a science major did not come easily to me.  It seemed that everyone else had moved on, and while I was working hard, I wasn't as successful as I wanted to be. I lost my scholarship, my confidence, and my best friend.  It may not seem significant to anyone else, but my friend dumping me was one of those defining moments. I found out just how fragile my heart was, and how I would have to take this journey alone.

Before I even started college, I had decided to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I knew that doing so would get me closer to my destination, and help me to become the person I wanted to be.  I spent a glorious year (2000-01) in Belgium and France, teaching and serving every day.  I'll be forever grateful for that time of my life because of everything I learned and the beautiful people I met.

Coming home from Europe was much harder than I had anticipated. I went from being so focused on a different work to having very little direction at all.  I lived at home for a while, trying to figure out how to get back on the interstate.  That's when the most defining moment of my life took place: my brother John died unexpectedly.  My younger brother, the smartest person I had ever known, the boy who grew up at my side challenging and inspiring me, was gone.

It might have been shock, or simply trying to be strong, but it was nearly a week after that terrible day when I finally broke down.  All the pain and loneliness came flooding out, and I realized I had a gaping hole in my soul.  Though time has made the heartache more bearable, the emptiness is still there.  I think of my brother often, and he still inspires me.  He is one of the primary reasons why I want to have a career helping people, and why I want to understand the complexities of the human body.

In an effort to heal and move on, I came back to the U in 2003.  I tried to find my place in the world; I even flirted with the idea of changing majors.  English, French, teaching, and even Political Science all sounded good at some point, since those classes were significantly easier for me.  But as an ACCESS girl, I wanted to complete my degree in a science major, and I knew I wanted to work in health care.  I finally completed my Bachelor's in 2007, and I found a second home working in surgery.  For a long time, those two roads (education and work) ran parallel to one another, never really intersecting.  

While working in surgery, I learned what PAs do, how they are educated, and how they interact with doctors.  The idea of becoming a PA appealed to me immediately.  The demands of my family (especially my autistic son), along with the financial burden and time commitment make medical school an impossibility, but I feel like I could be very successful in a PA program.  I have thought about nursing, but I know I would prefer a graduate program that would give me practical skills, knowledge and insight.  I also want a career that will allow me to work in surgery, even if it's just part of the time.

After thinking about applying for several years, I attended the UPAP information session in April 2013.  This was another defining moment.  It felt like I had seen a sign: this is the road I want to take.  I believe that my entire journey--my whole life--has been leading me here to this very application, and I am grateful and excited for this opportunity.

I admit to being a bit anxious; I don't know how I will stand up to the competition, but I truly hope you understand how much I want to become a Physician Assistant.  Thank you for your consideration, and I hope our paths will cross soon.