Time Goes By

I missed the entire month of February. There have been things I want to write about, but most of it is just day-to-day. School, work, church, trying to keep up with the house and the laundry, etc. There isn't a lot that's special about these days. I feel pretty crummy that I didn't even do anything for Benji's birthday. I said that he wouldn't care, Allen wouldn't care, and the only one who cares about a party is me. So I thought we would do fun stuff and spoil him and go swimming . . . nope, nope and nope. We were sick (as per usual this time of year), Benji was having some serious attitude that weekend, and giving him cake would have only reinforced the bad behaviour. And I don't have a swimming suit that fits me right now. I'm such a slacker.

And now March is halfway over. I'm watching "The Fugitive" (my only St. Patrick's Day tradition) and doing laundry. I should be in bed, since I need to work 12 hours tomorrow. I'm back to the 11am-11pm shifts, which aren't too hard in-and-of themselves, but when I have three-in-a-row, it's brutal. I really should be sleeping.

I have been teaching the 6-7 year old kids in Primary, and it has been, well, interesting. They are funny and talkative and smart and exhausting. I had a co-teacher for a couple of weeks, but she asked to be released. So I have been on my own. They finally found some brethren who agreed to teach, but they don't put men and women who aren't married into the same class. So I will be going into Nursery: hanging with the 18-month to 3-year-olds. It will be fine; I just feel like it will be even more isolating for me at church. I was put into Primary about 3 weeks after we moved in, so pretty much the only adults I know are the teachers and leaders there. And now I'll be babysitting for two hours every week. I should be happier about it, but I'm sure I'll be comparing what these toddlers can do that my Benji can't. That's always a little depressing.

Aren't you glad you're still reading my blog? I used to be so good at writing. Not so much anymore. Another reason why I'm mother of the year.

Anyway, there's a super-quick update for me and my little life. I'll try to write something more meaningful soon.

"What is this, a trenchcoat convention?"

Neither Lost Nor Found

If you haven't noticed, all of my blog posts for the past several months have been quotes from Mumford and Sons.  I have been listening to Babel over and over again in my car, because it's just so good.  I'll write more about them later, but I will say that one of many reasons I love their music is because the lyrics really make me think (and feel).  I have a few mild obsessions of late, mostly Mumford and Sons and Doctor Who.  It's not super-duper healthy, but there are worse things, right?

Speaking of Doctor Who, I have been thinking about an episode from the 5th season, called Vincent and The Doctor.  The Doctor takes Amy Pond to the Musée d'Orsay, where they visit the gallery dedicated to Van Gogh.  The Doctor notices something amiss in one of the paintings, and with the help of a Professor Black (the lovely Bill Nighy as a Van Gogh expert), he takes Amy back in time to meet Van Gogh in Provence and (of course) fix the problem.  They do, and as they are leaving, the Doctor decides to take Vincent back to 2010 to the Musée d'Orsay so he can see how his work is appreciated.  Because Van Gogh was ridiculed and very poor at the time of his death, it is very sweet to see how he is affected by Dr. Black's declaration of how Van Gogh was one of the greatest painters who ever lived by transforming pain into beauty.  It made me cry a little bit.

Image from "Vincent and the Doctor," from: http://culturemass.com/2013/05/03/cm-picks-doctor-who-memorable-moments/

At the end of the episode, after the Doctor and Amy Pond take Vincent back to Provence, they go back to the Musée d'Orsay, where Amy thinks that this experience will cause time to be rewritten, and Van Gogh will have created many more paintings.  Upon their return, they find that not much had changed; Vincent still committed suicide only a few months after they left him, and Amy says that they didn't make a difference at all.  Then, the Doctor says something that has stuck with me (this is one of my all-time favorite Doctor Who quotes):

"The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant. And we definitely added to his pile of good things."

I know many people wouldn't, but I put Facebook in my pile of good things.  There are a lot of reasons to dislike FB, but I am so grateful for the chance to reconnect with so many people whom I haven't seen in years, as well as get insights into the lives of people I see frequently.  I love reading what people have to say (for the most part), though sometimes it gets a little heated (yet another reason to dislike election season).

An important discussion started last Sunday, just after General Conference finished.  I was reading a summary of some of the talks, and somehow I ended up posting this article to my Facebook page, with the title: "Leaders say Mormons cannot condone same-sex marriage."  Truthfully, I didn't do it on purpose, and when I realized I did, I hoped I hadn't offended any of my friends who are homosexual.  So I posted this:

Mary Nolan Cox

October 6 near Kearns via mobile

I struggle with the issue of same-sex marriage because of my religion. I believe we all deserve the same rights, and I believe that God loves everyone equally. I have dear friends and relatives who are gay, and I hope you are not offended by the article I posted. We all deserve love and respect. We are all brothers and sisters.

I don't know that I've ever had so many passionate comments on a post, which tells me that people feel very strongly about the subject.  Most of the comments (and some were quite lengthy) were very respectful and kind, and many valid points were made.  I wanted to respond to them all, but I didn't want to do it on FB.  So here I'm doing it here.  I hope I can give some insight into the conflict many of us feel.

First: I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I am a Mormon.  I was born into an active, church-going family, and I have been attending church regularly for my entire life.  I served a mission for my church, and I will continue to be a member for as long as I live.  One of the most beautiful things about my religion is how we are urged to question.  We are instructed to seek out the answers for ourselves, to find out if what the leaders say is true.  I have personally read the Book of Mormon, listened to the Prophet, been baptized, and made covenants in the temple.  I have not done these things because I am brainwashed or because they were expected of me; I did them because I knew they were right.  I have a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ because I asked.  I prayed and received an answer that this church is the true church of God.  I know this independently, because the Spirit of the Lord has confirmed it in my heart and mind over and over again (D&C 8:2).

That being said, the LDS Church is not perfect.  As was said in General Conference, "I suppose the Church would be perfect only if it were run by perfect beings. God is perfect, and His doctrine is pure. But He works through us—His imperfect children—and imperfect people make mistakes" (President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "Come Join With Us," October 2013).  There are some things I don't love about being an active member (like the time commitment), and there are other things I really don't like (such as the handling of Proposition 8, though things are changing with that too--read here).  And as much as I love living in Utah, I believe the LDS Church has too much influence on our state government.  Very little is done without the church's approbation, and many laws are based on LDS values.  That is not always a bad thing, but I feel it takes away from the freedom of choice.  The liquor laws in Utah are ridiculous, and while I'm not an advocate of drinking, I do know that restricting the licenses of businesses is not good for the economy.  I don't think you can legislate morality; for example, making a law that you cannot buy alcohol on Sundays will not stop people from drinking alcohol on Sundays.  Making gambling illegal in the state will not stop people from driving across the border to buy tickets for the Powerball Lottery.  I say that if people are going to do something anyway, let us benefit from it.  As Joseph Smith said:  "I teach them correct principles, and they govern themselves."  Church and state are supposed to be separate, and for good reason.

Even though the pile of good things about the LDS Church greatly outnumbers the pile of bad things, when it comes to sustaining the leaders of the Church, the thing that weighs most heavily on my mind is the issue of same-sex marriage.  The brethren are very consistent, saying that the church cannot condone same-sex marriage.  "While we are to emulate our Savior’s kindness and compassion, while we are to value the rights and feelings of all of God’s children, we cannot change His doctrine. It is not ours to change. His doctrine is ours to study, understand, and uphold" (Elder Russell M. Nelson, "Decisions For Eternity," October 2013).

I sustain the leadership of my church.  I believe that they are doing what they feel to be right.  Part of me knows that I should agree with them 100%.  But I don't.

I do not see what is wrong with loving someone, regardless of gender.  I don't see how legalizing a relationship between two men or two women threatens marriage between one man and one woman.  I don't see why I should have rights that others do not, because the person I married happens to be of the opposite gender.  Personally, I think that when two people want to commit to each other, there shouldn't be laws against it.  I think gay marriage is beautiful, and that the fight for equality is worth supporting.

Where I'm coming from, I can see both sides of the equation.  I hear both arguments and find them both valid.  I read stories of how families are torn apart by this issue and wonder at how this could possibly be better than acceptance.  In all honesty, I just cannot lean one way or the other--saying one side is right and the other is wrong.  I have always tried to be a peacemaker and to avoid confrontation.  I hate feeling such conflict.  It tears me up inside.

So what is my role in all of this?  I may have helped spark a conversation, one which (I hope) has helped some people think about this a bit more.  I have personally done more research and prayed about this subject than I ever have.  In doing so, I found this website: http://www.mormonsandgays.org/.  It really helps me see that attitudes are changing, even though the law of God does not.  And it reminds me that we are all sinners; we are all beggars before the Lord, and we are all in need of His atonement.

In all of the contemplation and heartache of the past few days, one thought has been my mantra: It is not my place to judge.  It is my job to love. (I'm pretty sure I got it from this blog post, which I first read over a year ago).  I can't say what is right and what is wrong for everyone, because each person has his or her own definition.  I cannot walk in the shoes of those who have been on the receiving end of this kind of discrimination and judgement, nor can I condone the self-righteous attitudes of lawmakers, whether or not I agree with them.  I believe that God is kind, and He will judge us according to many things--not just our sexual orientation.  

This is an excellent Q&A about the stance of the church, and in it, Elder Dallin H. Oaks makes a powerful statement:

" . . . Some people consider feelings of same-gender attraction to be the defining fact of their existence. There are also people who consider the defining fact of their existence that they are from Texas or that they were in the United States Marines. Or they are red-headed, or they are the best basketball player that ever played for such-and-such a high school. People can adopt a characteristic as the defining example of their existence and often those characteristics are physical.

"We have the agency to choose which characteristics will define us; those choices are not thrust upon us.

"The ultimate defining fact for all of us is that we are children of Heavenly Parents, born on this earth for a purpose, and born with a divine destiny. Whenever any of those other notions, whatever they may be, gets in the way of that ultimate defining fact, then it is destructive and it leads us down the wrong path."

I don't want to judge anyone.  I don't want to offend anyone (though I'm sure I have and will), and I have been working on this post for several days, making sure that this is what I really want to say.  What it all boils down to is that I don't want to change the world; I just want to help others feel the love of our Savior.

While driving in to work last week, I was contemplating my response to all of these comments and arguments.  I was listening to "Holland Road" by Mumford and Sons, and it reminded me of the episode of Doctor Who I wrote about earlier.  The realization of the simplicity of my answer took my breath away.

I want to be a person who adds to your pile of good things.  There's not a lot I can do to ease the burdens of those who have to live with these difficult circumstances.  There is some service I can give, some beauty I can contribute to this world to help people get through their hard times.  I usually can't take burdens away, but maybe I can help make them a little lighter.

It's not the revelation I was looking for, but this is an answer for me.  I don't have all of the answers right now; I don't have the ability to understand all the mysteries of God.  There are a lot of things I struggle with, and I have a very long way to go until I can see as perfectly as our Father in Heaven, but I do have a big heart.  I have so much love for you, my friends and family, and I know that's just a tiny portion of the love Jesus has for each of us.  It's hard to feel sometimes, especially when I let the adversary tell me I am unworthy, but it's always there.  Although we ALL have piles of bad things, God has given us so much for our piles of good things.  He has given us gifts and talents we can share and use to bless the lives of others.  

Please know that you are loved.  You are cherished.  Our Father in Heaven created you, and He loves you, whether or not you believe in Him.  I love Him, and I love you, truly.  Please let me know how I can add to your pile of good things.

from: http://godisawhale.tumblr.com/post/34011344555

O Night Divine

I spend a lot of time on the negative in this blog . . . I'm sorry.  I struggle (a lot), and this is a good place to write whatever I want and get feedback from people who actually care enough about me to read it.  To those of you who actually read my blog, thank you.  I love and appreciate you, and I promise your Christmas cards are coming.

My mood improved significantly after my talk was finished.  I don't really mind speaking in church, but I didn't realize how stressful a situation it was until it was over.  I did want to share what I spoke about, because it means a lot to me.  I hope it helps you remember what Christmas is all about.

I did a little introduction of us, then did a little segue from the part of my serving a mission in France.  This is the outline of my talk; I apologize for the formatting issues.

• Name, recently called to Primary. Setting apart, asked Allen to speak in January. Thought I dodged a bullet; called later that evening, asked to speak today. Not a lot of time to prepare, grateful I get to speak during the Christmas season.
  
  
• Introduction
  • Allen: from California; been in Utah for 9-10 years. We met while both living in Sugar House. Fix-it man and Computer Guru. Works @ Unisys doing tech support for Blackrock. Works crazy hours.
  • Mary: born & raised in Utah, served mission in Belgium and France, graduated from the U in Biology. Work at IMC as a surgical tech. Work opposite shifts to take care of Benji, though we need help sometimes. Actually, we are in need of some babysitting help during Winter break. If available, please come see me after meeting.
  • Benjamin: 5 in February. Autistic, sorry for noise. Attends Carmen B. Pingree school near University. Likes Lightning McQueen, eating anything sweet, playing in water, Benny Bear.
    
    
• Served mission in France, came to love so many things about culture (I'm a total Francophile!). One of the most beloved French Christmas songs is the “Cantique de Noël,” which literally means “Hymn of Christmas.” We know it as “O Holy Night.” I don't love every version of this song (*cough* Mariah Carey), but the lyrics to this song are so beautiful, I wanted to share them with you as the basis of my talk today. I was given the subject of the Atonement, and this song encompasses both the miracle of our Savior's birth, and the wondrous gift of His Atoning sacrifice.

First: literal translation of original French (thank you, Wikipedia!)

Midnight, Christians, it is the solemn hour,

When God as man descended unto us

To erase the stain of original sin

And to end the wrath of His Father.

               We must remember that this song was written by a Catholic man, Placide Cappeau in France in the early 1800's. We know from the second article of faith that our Heavenly Father will punish man for his own sins, not for Adam's transgression. This statement reminds us that Adam fell that men might be, and Christ came to the earth that we may return to live with God again.

The entire world thrills with hope

On this night that gives it a Savior.

How thrilling, indeed, that Heavenly Father sent His only begotten Son to save us? I'm certain you and I were among the angels singing and rejoicing that Christ had been born in Bethlehem.

People kneel down, wait for your deliverance.

Christmas, Christmas, here is the Redeemer,

Christmas, Christmas, here is the Redeemer!

Here is the Child of God who is come to save us! Let us kneel at the manger, the cradle of the beautiful baby boy who will be our Advocate with the Father.

The second verse is not sung very often, since the song is quite long enough with two verses. Again, here is the translation of the original French.

May the ardent light of our Faith

Guide us all to the cradle of the infant,

As in ancient times a brilliant star

Guided the Oriental kings there.

The King of Kings was born in a humble manger;

O mighty ones of today, proud of your greatness,

It is to your pride that God preaches.

Bow your heads before the Redeemer!

Bow your heads before the Redeemer!

We can all learn a great lesson of humility from our Savior. The King of Kings— the only begotten Son of our Heavenly Father, was born in such humble circumstances. He was surrounded by the poor his entire life. He loved everyone—high and low—and He led not by power or coercion, but by his unwavering goodness, kindness and righteous example.

The Redeemer has broken every bond:

The Earth is free, and Heaven is open.

He sees a brother where there was only a slave,

Love unites those that iron had chained.

Who will tell Him of our gratitude,

For all of us He is born, He suffers and dies.

People stand up! Sing of your deliverance,

Christmas, Christmas, sing of the Redeemer,

Christmas, Christmas, sing of the Redeemer!

Christmas is such a beautiful time of year. It can be painful for many people, as we recall those who are no longer with us. I have cried many tears over the past few days, in memory of the beautiful children in Connecticut, but I know they are with our Savior. He suffered and died for all of us. I'd like to quote from an article in the April 2012 Ensign, a talk given by Elder David A. Bednar.

“In Alma chapter 7 we learn how and why the Savior is able to provide the enabling power:

“He shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

“And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities” (Alma 7:11–12).

“The Savior has suffered not just for our iniquities but also for the inequality, the unfairness, the pain, the anguish, and the emotional distresses that so frequently beset us. There is no physical pain, no anguish of soul, no suffering of spirit, no infirmity or weakness that you or I ever experience during our mortal journey that the Savior did not experience first. You and I in a moment of weakness may cry out, “No one understands. No one knows.” No human being, perhaps, knows. But the Son of God perfectly knows and understands, for He felt and bore our burdens before we ever did. And because He paid the ultimate price and bore that burden, He has perfect empathy and can extend to us His arm of mercy in so many phases of our life. He can reach out, touch, succor—literally run to us—and strengthen us to be more than we could ever be and help us to do that which we could never do through relying upon only our own power.”

I'd now like to read to you the English version of “O Holy Night.” If I had had a little more time to prepare, I might have been able to sing it (or find someone to sing it) for you, but I hope you will really listen to the words. It truly is one of the most beautiful Christmas songs.

O holy night! The stars are brightly shining,

It is the night of our dear Saviour's birth.

Long lay the world in sin and error pining,

'Til He appear'd and the soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees! O hear the angel voices!

O night divine, O night when Christ was born;

O night divine, O night, O night Divine.

Led by the light of Faith serenely beaming,

With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.

So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,

Here come the wise men from Orient land.

The King of Kings lay thus in lowly manger;

In all our trials born to be our friend.

He knows our need, to our weakness is no stranger,

Behold your King! Before Him lowly bend!

Behold your King, Before Him lowly bend!

Truly He taught us to love one another;

His law is love and His gospel is peace.

Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother;

And in His name all oppression shall cease.

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,

Let all within us praise His holy name.

Christ is the Lord! O praise His Name forever,

His power and glory evermore proclaim.

His power and glory evermore proclaim.

I hope when you hear this song, you will remember its' message of hope and praise. The Son of God knows our need; He was born to be our friend. He loves us, and He made it possible for us to return to the presence of our Heavenly Father. Christ is the Lord! Let all within us praise His holy name! I pray we may all do so, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.