The Heart of a Girl

Nearly five months have gone by since my last post.  If I didn't have much of a following before, I'm sure I don't have an audience at all now; unless I decide to link to it from my Facebook.  I might; we'll see how eloquent I feel at 1:51 a.m.

My heart is heavy tonight with feelings of inadequacy.  I am NOT an adrenaline junkie; I don't seek out adventure or thrill and I pretty much retreat from conflict. I'm a peacemaker (as most middle-children are) and a centrist: I really try to see all sides of a story, and even then, I try to reserve judgement.  I'm not always successful at this and sometimes I do argue when I'm very passionate about something, but most of the time I just try to keep my head down and fly under the radar. I have enough going on in my little life that I feel my opinion is just a drop in the ocean: meaningless to anyone outside of myself. It is my opinion, however, and if you are reading this you might find some value in what I have to say, despite the small and simple nature of my voice.

The death of Robin Williams has been weighing on me. I haven't really cried yet; maybe I'm still in denial. I do know that he was a beautiful man and a tremendous actor. I am very grateful for the wonderful movies and words and deeds he left behind, to help those millions of us who are in mourning. While his death is a tragedy, I am grateful for the dialogue it has opened. Many people are talking and writing about suicide. I am not here to say whether suicide is right or wrong, whether or not a person who does a lifetime of good deeds is damned for a single decision. That judgement belongs to our loving Father in Heaven, who understands the pain and suffering of every tormented soul. Personally, I believe He will err on the side of mercy and kindness; would that we were as kind to ourselves.

I also know that I am not the only person to have thought of suicide. Being a rational creature, and having had my heart torn apart with the loss of loved ones, I know I could never actually go through with it. I couldn't leave that burden to my family. But I have been desperate enough to pray for an accident, cancer, or something else that would allow me to escape with dignity and without causing pain to others. I even had myself convinced that I would never live past age 35 (I'll be 36 in January). Alas--I am still here. 

Why am I still here? I wonder sometimes. I'm not going to change the world. I'm never going to be a fantastic mother or wife. I doubt I'll ever be famous (and I don't really want to be) or beautiful or thin or a "success story." So why should I continue to stick it out? 

Some say that hope is the answer. Yes, hope is important. I hope that, in the end, our Heavenly Father sees someone who has tried--maybe not as hard as I possibly could, but tried nonetheless--to be a good person, to help others and show love and serve His children. I hope He leans toward the side of mercy over justice when I stand before Him one day; but I can't hang my hat on hope. The idea that something better will come along is not enough. 

Obligation is a big part of why I'm still here. I signed up for this whole parenthood thing, and it is HARD. And I'm not very good at it. I'm far too selfish and I need time to myself, but I can't believe there is anyone on earth who loves my Benjamin as much as I do, and as long as he will let me, I will shower him with hugs and kisses every day. I may fail him completely and never see him as an independent adult; I may never understand what goes on in that brain of his, and I may never be as strong an Autism Advocate as I should be, but I'm trying. My best will never be enough, but dear Lord, I'm trying. I owe it to him to be around as long as I can.

I think the other reason why I haven't gone through with anything is because there is so much beauty in this world. I'm glad I can see it; I know some people cannot (or do not), and my heart breaks for them. The nature, the music, the architecture, the people . . . I have only seen and heard and felt a small part of what this earth has to offer, and there is so much more to experience. Rather than crossing things off, my bucket list keeps growing longer. I guess that is where my hope comes in--that I'll be able to travel and taste and see the wonders of this bountiful earth before I leave it. 

So there's my little drop in the ocean. It may not mean much in the sea full of voices, but it is my voice, and my opinions are as valid as anyone else's. We need to love each other, help each other, and let God be the judge. Please, my friends: let's be kind to one another. We are all fighting hard battles, and we need each other's strength.

Time Goes By

I missed the entire month of February. There have been things I want to write about, but most of it is just day-to-day. School, work, church, trying to keep up with the house and the laundry, etc. There isn't a lot that's special about these days. I feel pretty crummy that I didn't even do anything for Benji's birthday. I said that he wouldn't care, Allen wouldn't care, and the only one who cares about a party is me. So I thought we would do fun stuff and spoil him and go swimming . . . nope, nope and nope. We were sick (as per usual this time of year), Benji was having some serious attitude that weekend, and giving him cake would have only reinforced the bad behaviour. And I don't have a swimming suit that fits me right now. I'm such a slacker.

And now March is halfway over. I'm watching "The Fugitive" (my only St. Patrick's Day tradition) and doing laundry. I should be in bed, since I need to work 12 hours tomorrow. I'm back to the 11am-11pm shifts, which aren't too hard in-and-of themselves, but when I have three-in-a-row, it's brutal. I really should be sleeping.

I have been teaching the 6-7 year old kids in Primary, and it has been, well, interesting. They are funny and talkative and smart and exhausting. I had a co-teacher for a couple of weeks, but she asked to be released. So I have been on my own. They finally found some brethren who agreed to teach, but they don't put men and women who aren't married into the same class. So I will be going into Nursery: hanging with the 18-month to 3-year-olds. It will be fine; I just feel like it will be even more isolating for me at church. I was put into Primary about 3 weeks after we moved in, so pretty much the only adults I know are the teachers and leaders there. And now I'll be babysitting for two hours every week. I should be happier about it, but I'm sure I'll be comparing what these toddlers can do that my Benji can't. That's always a little depressing.

Aren't you glad you're still reading my blog? I used to be so good at writing. Not so much anymore. Another reason why I'm mother of the year.

Anyway, there's a super-quick update for me and my little life. I'll try to write something more meaningful soon.

"What is this, a trenchcoat convention?"

Where You Invest Your Love, You Invest Your Life

I feel like I need to catch up on my crazy life.  Since it's quiet at work right now, we'll see how far I can get.

1.  Benji's school.  

Last February, when we found out that Benji did not receive a scholarship to attend the Carmen B. Pingree Center for Children with Autism next year, we put in his name for a lottery for Spectrum Academy, a charter school. for autistic children.  We didn't hear anything back from them, so we spent months in meetings and evaluations and phone calls trying to get Benji placed within the Granite School District.  We decided on Whittier School, which is a nice, big elementary school with quite a lot of resources.  His teacher is really cute, his entire class would be made up of autistic children, they are piloting a new program this year, his classroom is directly across the hall from the school nurses (yes, plural!  And actual RNs, not just an LPN), and they would bus him to and from school.  We were all set to start school on Wednesday, August 28th.

The Thursday before (August 22nd), Allen and I each received an e-mail:

Congratulations! Your child was selected to attend Spectrum Academy for the 2013-2014 school year.

Student Name & Grade: Benjamin Cox, AM Kindergarten

Please feel free to contact us with any questions you might have.

We have attached some paperwork that we need you to go through and complete. We will also need a copy of your child's immunization record, birth certificate and IEP (if applicable) by Friday, August 21st in order to secure your child's spot for our upcoming school year. Please let us know by phone or email as soon as possible if you would like this spot.

If you would like, you can call and schedule a tour. Please call and schedule it at 801-936-0318 option 1. Your child is invited to attend if you like.

Please let me know if you have any questions.

Wendy Hansard

Office Manager - Elementary

Spectrum Academy

Truthfully, I didn't know what to do.  I felt really good about sending him to Whittier--it seems like a really great school.  Plus it would be super convenient for me, and I don't need more stress in my life.  I called them on Friday to see if we could go check it out, but everyone in the building was out for medical training.  So we went on Monday, 8/26.  It is a nice, small school, and the Kindergartens have 6 kids in them.  SIX.  And once you are in, you don't need to apply for the lottery again.  They said, "He's ours until you take him out."  That's something--to not have to worry about where he will fit in next year, or even after that, because they go all the way through high school.  

Allen was really pushing for us to accept the placement (especially since there were 70 other kids on the waiting list who would have taken his spot if we said no), and although I didn't really feel like it would be better than Whittier, I agreed.  

Benji on his first day of Kindergarten @ Spectrum Academy 

So last Tuesday was his first day of school.  It has been good thus far; it's just the drive.  There is no bussing.  There are carpools, but his class is at a weird time, and I just haven't had time to deal with it yet.  So he needs to be there at 11:45am (having eaten lunch already--the school doesn't even have it's own lunchroom!), and he is picked up at 2:45 (I think . . . Allen takes him home).  It's 18 miles away, about 25-30 minutes of drive time.  It is only 6 miles from Allen's work, so he hangs out there to take him home (unless he's doing is game thing, "hacking portals" and such).  It's growing on me; I think it will be a good place for him eventually.  It takes some getting used to, and the cost of gas is fairly significant.  I feel like we need a commuter car, but money is a bit of a problem right now too.  Ugh.

Anyway--moving on.

2.  Concerts.

On Friday, August 23rd, I went with my concert-buddy Allison to see fun. at Saltair.  Tegan & Sara opened (they are okay; I'm just not that into them).  

Me and Allison @ Saltair

It really was a great concert.  I'm not a huge fan of fun., but they put on a great show.  The energy was awesome, and they sound FANTASTIC live! I think that's the acid-test of a band's talent.  If they can sound as good or better than they do on the album, then they are worth investing time and money into.  We were kind-of stuck in the middle, and people kept pushing past us and walking around us, etc.  Two people, who were totally pushing their way to the front looked back sheepishly and said, "We're being a**holes."  To which I replied: "Pretty much."  Oh well.  It was still lovely.  The weather was PERFECT (at the end of August, it could have been a lot worse), the sunset was incredible, and it was just a delightful night.  

A panorama shot of the crowd and sunset

Here are a couple of other shots.  The iPhone does pretty well!  Not spectacular, but MUCH better than my old one.

A couple of quotes: 

"Salt Lake City?!"  "Just you f****n' wait."  And: "Does anyone here have a cell phone?"  They took some guys phone up on stage with them and took some pictures with it.  Pretty cool.

And the setlist:

Some Nights (Intro)

One Foot

Walking the Dog

All Alone

Why Am I The One

At Least I’m Not As Sad (As I Used To Be)

All The Pretty Girls

It Gets Better

Barlights

Carry On
The Gambler

You Can't Always Get What You Want (Rolling Stones cover)

We Are Young

Take Your Time

  

  Encore:

Some Nights

Stars

Good times.  That really was an excellent concert.

I also got to go to the O.C. Tanner Gift of Music concert with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, the Utah Symphony and James Taylor.  I put my name in for the lottery for that one too, and actually got tickets!  So I met my cute mom at the Conference Center last Saturday.  It was delightful!  And the programs were stunning--the typography, the printing, etc.  Gorgeous.  I took two.

It was also the same weekend as the first annual Salt Lake Comic Con, which was apparently very successful.  I took Trax downtown for the concert, and saw plenty of people dressed up, totally unashamed.  I have decided that Comic Con is like Halloween for adults, where you can dress up as whatever and whomever you want, and the treats are getting to meet stars and take cool pictures.  I'm down with that!  I'm a little sad I didn't make it more of a priority to go, because all of the pictures I have seen are awesome.  I'm sure it will be bigger and better next year, so I'll plan to get my geek on then.  

3.  Friends.

Speaking of Comic Con, my friends Diana and DeLayna went and met some cool people.  They are so funny; I love those girls.  DeLayna will be going to Japan shortly on a work assignment.  I'm so jealous!  How cool would that be?!  Speaking of . . . I need to finish watching season one of Newsroom!  Gah!  No time!

On the Saturday after the concert, my dear friend Jack Jason had a layover in SLC.  Peggy and I met up with him to have breakfast at Lamb's Grill downtown.  It was so lovely to catch up!  I was hoping to meet up with them in New York next month, but alas--I have no money, honey.  Especially after fighting with T-Mobile over an account I was assured was closed.  Grr.

JJD, Me and Peggy! 

We had a bit of a "Gaufre War," (get it?) in which we were to decide who makes the better waffle (see JJD's descriptions and lovely pictures here).  I was a little disappointed in the boys @ Saturday's Waffle, since they now have teenagers running it, so I was in agreement: the Belge wins.  Bruges Waffles is amazing (always get the gaufres liegoises!).  As we were walking down the street back to get his suitcase from his hotel, I totally biffed it.  CHEWING. ASPHALT.  My knees and my ego are still bruised and sore from that rather humiliating experience (um, I'm pretty sure my skirt flipped up over my waist, and there were plenty of people around to witness it!), but it was still worthwhile, and I'll just blame it on my cute-but-dangerous wedges.  These are two of my most favourite people in the world!  I'd do it again in a heartbeat if it meant seeing them!

4.  Family.

My last post may give you a hint as to the drama in the family.  It's kind-of quiet at the moment, but I think we are all walking on eggshells for a little while; at least until Mom & Dad leave.  Did I mention that they received their mission call?  They are going to Peru, and the leave ON THURSDAY.  Yikes!  It's coming waaaay too fast!  I'm excited for them, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to be in the opposite hemisphere!

Mom & Dad came down to SLC last week for their missionary training at the Church Office Building.  I was working while they were here (and they were some of the busiest days I have seen all year--no chance of leaving early!), and Mom had a wee health scare.  She had been short-of-breath, dizzy, nauseated, etc.  She got an appointment to see a cardiologist (not hers, but they still got her in the next day--a minor miracle).  Turns out that she was in atrial fibrillation, or her heart wasn't beating correctly.  She has had problems with the electrical conduction and scar tissue from her ASD repair in 1984 (which, back then, meant open-heart surgery).  When I had my PFO repair in 2004 (a very small version of an ASD), they were able to do it using a small catheter threaded up through the femoral artery.  Thankfully, I haven't had to deal with anything like Mom has, but she is a trouper. 

Anyway, they scheduled her for a TEE and Cardioversion the following morning.  Since Dad was still in meetings all day, we arranged for Allen to come home from work early so he could take Benji to school.  I was able to meet Mom @ IMC (my place of work, conveniently), where everything went swimmingly.  They did the shock to her heart, and they said it looks great now.  She will have a nuclear stress test this Wednesday, but they said she should be okay to fly out on Thursday as planned.  What a blessing!  I thought they would delay her a couple of weeks, but we are pressing forward.  I am so grateful we were able to get this taken care of so quickly and efficiently.  And I'm glad I was able to be at the hospital with her.  

I will be taking Benji up to Logan tomorrow for their 'setting apart,' which is a priesthood blessing given to a member of the church when he or she undertakes a new calling.  I am excited and nervous; these will be difficult holidays without them here.  They will be great, I'm sure.  It will be such an amazing experience for them.  There is nothing like living in another country to help you appreciate the life you have built for yourself.

****

And that's about it for now.  I can't believe I have written this entirely at work--after last week, it's hard to imagine things being as quiet as they have been for the past hour or so!  Please let me know what's going on with you.  Love to all!

To Live My Life As It's Meant To Be

A few pretty significant events happened this week.

First: Mom & Dad pushed the button. They have been getting everything ready to serve a mission, and all of the applications and forms are online.  I guess it takes a while to get it all done, and when you are ready, you push the button.  {Back in the 'good ole' days, when I served a mission, you "put in your papers" and received a large white envelope a few weeks later.}  They did it.  So they might be receiving a mission call soon!  I think the white envelope is still the method of delivery, even if the paperwork is outdated.  #feelingold  #ihatehashtags  #prettysurehashtagshavenopoweroutsideoftwitter  #isitreallythathardtousepunctuation?

Mom & Dad in Layton

Second: Dave & Lexy moved to Phoenix.  I know, right!?  When Dave sent out the e-mail a few weeks ago to tell us they were moving, I cried.  Most of the day was spent in tears . . . and it was enough to make me start taking my medications again.  Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them and excited for their new adventures.  I can't wait to see their new home, complete with a swimming pool!

Moving Trucks :o(

Anyway, I drove up to Layton to see them off.  I was going to send Benji to school, but he has a cold and cough {which I so graciously bestowed upon him}.  I'll try to send him to school next week, though they will probably send him home.  This whole situation is driving me batty!  I have had to call in sick and Allen has had to come home early from work more than once to be with him since he can't be in school.  It has been almost two weeks, and there isn't a lot of school year left to be had.  Grrr.  Oh, back to the point--I had Benji with me, and Nanny & Papa drove down to so see them too.  On their way down from Logan, they picked up Pablo {Lexy's mom's boyfriend}, who is driving one of the trucks to Phoenix.  After they finished loading up the trucks, I left.  I didn't want them to see me cry.  It was really sad; we all love the Layton house, and now there will be strangers living in it.  Dave & Lex are planning on coming back, so they are renting out the house, and renting themselves in Phoenix.  Still, it's sad.  I miss them.  A LOT.

Dave, Lexy & Phoebe after the Savior of the World Performance

Also--they bought a minivan.  Yeah, there's a stigma, but they are handy and convenient and much more gas-friendly than the Suburban they have had for a while.  I'd rather not drive a minivan, but my cute car gets such horrible gas mileage that I'm about ready to trade him in.  I really like my car, and for having 98,000 miles he still looks really good; I just hate shelling out so much money at the pump.

Mom & Dad went to SLC after they left Layton, and I met up with them at Rachael's house.  We hung out for a while, but Mach is SO busy with her jobs and her calling and her piano playing--she is accompanying Lily's school program and has to be at rehearsals at least once per week.  It was nice to see her for a little while, but I had to leave to get ready for a LASIK follow-up appointment {still @ 20/20!  It's so lovely!} and an information meeting at the University of Utah I had that evening.

Third: I had a revelation.  Okay, it was not exactly a revelation as much as it was a "lightbulb" moment.

I wasn't expecting it, but the realization just came to me during this information session:

I know what I want to be when I grow up.

I have been thinking about this for a long time, but there were a lot of things going on and I wasn't sure I wanted to commit to anything as big as Graduate School and I feel guilty constantly about not spending enough time with Benji.  Well, during this information session, I had a few realizations.

A)  I'm not a great mom, in fact--I would be a crappy stay-at-home mom.  With Benji being home sick for the past couple of weeks, I realized just how hard it is.  Please don't get me wrong--I love Benji with all my heart--but he is not an easy child.  I get very impatient with him.  For example, getting him to put on his pants takes at least 20 minutes and a thousand reminders and "try-agains" to remind him of what he's doing, and to help him get it right.  After several of these sessions {i.e., every time he goes to the bathroom} and requiring his third shower of the day, I was so frustrated that I spanked him.  I felt so guilty about it and apologized and tried to give him extra loves and cuddles, but it doesn't change the fact that I hit my child.  I hope he has forgotten, but I never will.  Anyway, I realized that I am much more loving and kind to Benji when I don't see him as often.  He is much easier to love in small doses.  My realization was that I'm never going to be a good stay-at-home mom.  I'm just not.

B)  I have wanted to go back to school for a while, but I wasn't sure in what subject.  I like to do a lot of things, but I feel like you need to be passionate about what you study, if you are going to dedicate so much time and effort to it.  The only thing that has kept my attention for a long time is health care, and my education/career is at a crossroads.  I have been here for a while, learning and working, etc., but I haven't moved on.  It has been good, and I'm grateful for the experience, but I see so many people around me moving on with their lives, that I have felt the push too.  Being a surgical tech is great, but I don't want to do it forever.  There are some techs I work with who have literally been scrubbing longer than I have been alive {and I'm no spring chicken!}.  They are excellent at what they do, but most of them are tired and jaded and I don't want to end up like that.   So, the way I see it, I could take one of two paths: the Nursing Route, or the Physician's Assistant {P.A.} route.

As for nursing: I work with nurses every day; I have a great respect for them and I enjoy working with them.  I think I could be a good nurse, if I wanted to go down that road.  Here are the problems with nursing education as I see it: it's either good and {usually} expensive, or mediocre and cheap.  There are several nursing schools around the Salt Lake Valley, and I have friends who have gone to many of them.  The ones that are easy to get into are expensive.  Unbelievably expensive, especially for an associate's degree.  Salt Lake Community College {or SLCC, pronounced "SLICK"} is cheap, but incredibly competitive.  They have a waiting list of more than a year, and one can't even get on the list until all of the prerequisites are complete.  There was a partnership between the company I work for {Intermountain Healthcare} and SLCC, where IHC would pay for 100% of tuition and books in return for working full-time for two years after graduation.  That's an amazing opportunity, but they are dissolving this partnership because there are so many other nursing programs out there and the market is fairly saturated.  Many of my friends who have graduated have had difficulty finding jobs.  That's got to be really frustrating for people who have just spent a small fortune on schooling.  Also, my friends who graduated from the SLCC program do not recommend it to others.  It's not great.  Plus, I know I wouldn't be satisfied with being an RN; I'd want to go on and get a Master's and possibly an N.P., which would mean at least six more years of schooling.  So, this route is full of rocks and hard places.

As for the P.A. route: I have been talking about it for a long time.  Ever since I started working with PAs in surgery, talking to them and realizing what they do, I have had it in the back of my mind that I'd like to do it someday.  I have visited the UPAP {Utah Physican Assistant Program} website several times, and looking at the prerequisites and such, I have thought that it would be easier for me to get into PA school than into nursing school.  For example, most nursing programs require nutrition and statistics to get it.  I never took those classes, but I have taken calculus and Biochemistry {for heaven's sake, I have a Chemistry minor!}.  So what are the University of Utah's requirements?

• Bachelor's Degree, as this is a Master's degree program {I received my BA in Biology in 2007}
• Required Courses: Human Anatomy and Physiology {check and check}, four credits in Biology {one tends to get a few more than that, having a major in Biology} and eight credits in Chemistry {one gets more than that with a Chemistry minor}
• GPA higher than 2.7 {3.15 is nothing to brag about, but it meets the requirement!}
• Healthcare experience > 2000 hours, or about one year full-time {um, I have been working for Intermountain Healthcare for 11 years, plus working at the University Hospital before my mission would easily give me more than 20,000 hours}.

The lightbulb came on when I realized that my whole life has been preparing me for this.  I may not be the best candidate, but I would certainly not be the worst.  I think there's a real possibility of my getting in, and this is something I think I would be good at and enjoy--a rare and precious combination.  It isn't medical school, but it is a medicinal-type of education, and it is probably the best I could hope for at this stage in my life.

I came home and spoke with Allen about it.  I told him I was tired of nagging him to go to school, and that one of us needed to do something to move us beyond this point.  We talked about cost and commitment {and how he'll basically be a single dad for the entire time I am in school, and how he will still be responsible to pay all of the bills since I won't be able to work at the same time}.  He came up with plenty of valid excuses and reasons not to, including that "we'll be taxed to death" once I'm gainfully employed, but--what it comes down to--he will support me if I get in.  And with Benji being Benji, I couldn't do it by myself.  

So that's where we are.  I'm going to start the application process {it's a big one, with exams and essays and multiple rounds of interviews}, in hopes of admission to the program starting in 2014.  And we'll see.  I feel like this is the right direction, and for the first time in a long while, I'm excited for the future.  I hope you'll stick with me on this crazy ride.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

I should be doing my education.  Or reading my book.  Or doing something more productive {like my education modules}, but I'm at work, it's 9:55pm, and we don't have any cases going right now.  Don't worry--I put in my time . . . working with Dr. Hill and Dr. Bishoff in one day {either I'm really unlucky or God is punishing me}.  I think it all balances out in the end; some days are insane and you don't get to sit at all, and others are kinda slow.  We have been relatively busy in the evenings lately, so I don't feel too bad about blogging while at work.

I haven't written much for a while, being busy with work and stuff.  Plus I have been sick for the past few weeks.  I'm getting better, but now Benji and Allen have it.  And Benji probably won't be able to go back to school until next week because of it, so we'll have to figure out babysitting and all of that.  It's such a pain; it makes me wonder if working the 12-hour shifts is worth it.  I really don't want to work five days per week {it would be 3pm-11pm}, but it may have to happen in the fall anyway, because of Benji's school situation {which we still know nothing about}.

I have been to a couple of concerts, though.  I went to see Phillip Phillips with Allison, Cameron and Dawson at UCCU.  It was okay; it seemed like more of a jam session than a concert.  He may be an
American Idol, but he only has one solid hit under his belt {"Home"} and another song playing on the radio {"Gone, Gone, Gone" which I love!}, but only one album.  Now, if you're new on the music scene, and have one album out, you should be expected to play the entire album, right?  He didn't.  He played a few of his songs, a few covers, and there was a lot of instrumental.  That may be fun for the musicians, but it doesn't keep the energy up at a concert.  Sorry!  He saved "Home" for last, and that was great--the energy was awesome.  And his encore was "Thriller" {a Michael Jackson cover . . . because nothing endears you to fans faster than playing other peoples' songs, right?}.  So he ended strong, but that was definitely not the best concert I have been to.  Churchill opened for him, and I actually liked them a lot.  Check out their video for the song "Change."  Good stuff, right there.

Phillip Phillips

I also went to see Train again last week.  The new {underwhelming} Microsoft store was opening at City Creek, and in order to get a crowd for the ribbon cutting, they had to bribe people with tickets to see Train.  Microsoft has been doing this with their other stores, with some pretty big names--Kelly Clarkson, Blake Shelton, etc.  I'm glad they had Train come here.  I got to the store about 8am to wait in line and I was still able to get an orange sparkly wristband {which got me into the "Meet and Greet"}.  I got another wristband, which was destined for Allison, until she found out the concert was at 2pm.  She was free in the evening, but couldn't make it in the afternoon.  Neither could any of the other people I asked, so . . . I went by myself.  Again.  I enjoyed it, because I like the band and I know many of their songs.  I wish I had gotten to the Gallivan Center earlier, to get a spot closer to the stage.  But, as it turned out, there were not a lot of people there.  It was fairly exclusive, so I still got to park underneath {one thing I LOVE about the Gallivan Center as a venue}, and I also got a standing spot on the cement.  None of my pictures turned out very well, and it was raining on and off the whole time.  But I did get funneled through the Microsoft Media Machine to get a picture taken with some random people {not enough time to get one of just me with the band, and personal photography was not allowed}.  I'm not particularly proud of this picture, but it was cool to see them again up close, even if it was for all of 20 seconds.  BTW--Scott the drummer {the blonde guy next to me} is pretty. dang. hot.  And yes, I hugged Pat Monahan.  Woo!

Me and some random people with Train at the Gallivan Center for Microsoft Store opening

As far as concerts go, it was pretty good.  For "Bruises," they had the cutest little 8-year-old girl sing the duet.  She knew all the words, and Pat was so great with her.  It was really nice that there weren't opening acts to sit through, they sounded great and it wasn't too hot.  I usually try to keep a list of songs played with my handy-dandy Evernote app, but I forgot to get it started right away.  I think I got most of the songs, though not necessarily in order.

50 Ways to Say Goodbye

I Got You

Don't Stop Believing {Journey cover}

Walk on the Wild Side {Lou Reed cover}

Meet Virginia

If It's Love

You Can't Always Get What You Want {Rolling Stones cover}/Calling All Angels

Save Me, San Francisco

Mermaid/Could You Be Loved {Bob Marley cover}

Bruises

Marry Me

Everyday People {Sly And The Family Stone cover}

Hey Soul Sister/We Are Young {fun. cover}

Drive By

Encore: Drops of Jupiter

Anyway, I'm glad I went--I really do like Train.  I feel guilty about it, though because my priorities are a little messed up.  I put the concert ahead of the needs of my family . . . sorry, Dave.  I'm a very selfish person.  I'm not proud of it, but it is what it is.

I guess I should have written this post for "Musical Monday."  Oh well. Right now I need to go to sleep so I can go volunteer at the Consignment Sale in the morning, and I need to figure out what I'm going to do with Benji since he's too sick to be in school, and I need to volunteer so I can go to the pre-sale tomorrow evening and buy clothes for said boy.  My life is a weather-worn map of twisting roads paved with good intentions. 

Is This My Life?

I'm struggling.  I want to write.  There is so much I want to do; I have been getting sucked into huge time-wasters like television {The Following and Revolution are so good!} and video games {just one--Monsters Run on the iPad, but I felt the need to beat all of the levels}, and the important stuff {cleaning, blogging, preparing church lessons, etc.} falls to the side.

I also want to be a good mom, but I'm just not.  Here are some actual quotes of things I have said to Benji today {he is out of school for Spring Break, and I didn't have to work today}.

• "Good morning, naked boy."
• "Please don't chew on the toilet seat!"
• "Don't eat the flash drive!"
• "The iPad is not for spinning."
• "Why did you pee in Mommy's bed?"
• "Your shirt does not go on your feet."
• "You don't need another shower--you have had two already."
• "You don't have to touch everything!"
• {After knocking over a whole shelf of hair mousse at Target} "That was totally unnecessary!"
• "Turn around and sit on the toilet like a normal boy!"

Those are just examples.  Today was a hard day; I have been trying to have him dress himself, but he won't pay attention.  He'll be looking around when he's supposed to be putting his legs in his pants, so he puts them on backwards or both legs in the same hole, so we do it over and over again.  He is so sweet and so frustrating and so predictable and so difficult.  He has been pretty good about asking for things, and we have been trying to get him to use complete sentences.  He has "want, please" down; it's the other words that get mixed up.  He used to refer to everything as "Skittles," but now he asks {almost exclusively} for the iPad.  I was trying to get him to ask for banana bread today, and I would have accepted "bread," "snack," etc.  This is our conversation:

Benji:  "Pwease . . . want . . . pwease . . . want."

Me: "I want . . ."

B: "Pwease."

M:  "What do you want?"

B:  "Whaayouwant?"  {repeating what I said, or echolalia}

M:  "I want . . ."

B:  "Want . . . iPad . . . pwease."

M:  "This is not an iPad.  This is banana bread.  Say 'bread.'"

B:  "Bread."

M:  "Good.  Bread.  Now say, 'I want bread please.'"

B:  "Want . . . iPad . . . pwease . . . bread . . . pwease . . . want."

Eventually I would give in when he got close enough.  Just the fact that he is communicating what he wants is huge.  I need to keep that in perspective.

The thing is, I have to remind myself {constantly} of perspective.  I'm always having to step back and remember the basics: I chose this.  I always wanted to be a mother.  He won't always be this needy.  But I also have to balance that with the guilt that doesn't ever really go away.  I should be spending more time with him.  I'm too selfish.  I need to be more patient.  

Actually, today {April 2nd} is Autism Awareness Day.  I didn't do anything for it, just like I didn't do anything for April Fool's Day {yesterday} or for Easter {two days ago}.  And there's more guilt: I want to be a cute mom who makes a big deal about holidays and makes traditions for her family.   I didn't even get Benji a basket.  

I feel like such a slacker, and such a bad mother.  Perspective, I know.  It's hard to keep when you feel like an utter failure all the time.  I'm grateful Benji is so absorbed in his own world, so he doesn't see just how crappy a mother I really am.

I know, God doesn't send you any trials you can't handle . . . He sends children with special needs to strong parents, blah, blah, blah.  I get that.  Perspective.  But sometimes I just want to say "screw it."  Yeah, to stay sane you have to look at the big picture.  But right now, it sucks.  Benji didn't get back into Pingree next year, so he'll have to go back to the public schools, and kindergarten will most likely be a half-day instead of the full-day he is currently getting.  That sucks.  Big time.  I'm probably going to have to change my work schedule to 3-11pm, five days per week.  I can see the next year of my life being sucked away, which really helps with the depression situation. 

Sorry for the venting; I'm just frustrated.  I love my boy.  I love him more than anything or anyone else on earth.  It's just really hard.  There's so much I want to do with my life, but it is all I can do to try to hold on to my sanity while attempting to be a decent parent.  I'm certainly not succeeding at any of it.

*sigh*

Perspective.

As Charming As An Eel

I'm in a rotten mood.  I should be writing my talk for church tomorrow, but my brain is not in a place where I can have the Spirit with me.  I need to get all the crap out to have room for the happy stuff, and this is where I've decided to download the bad.  Feel free to skip this entry; it's probably not good for consumption.  Garlic-in-your-soul, sea-sick crocodile, don't-touch-it-with-a-39-and-a-half-foot-pole kind of stuff.

I have depression.  I hate to admit it, and I hate when it gets to me.  There are a lot of reasons for me to be happy, and yet they can't take root because of all the guilt and resentment and pain that eats me up inside.  Here's why I'm such a grinch today.

1)  I have to speak in church tomorrow.  I have been thinking about what I want to say all week, but I haven't written anything down yet.  I have less than 11 hours to do so, and I'm blogging instead.  So what do I hear in the back of my head?  Procrastinator.  Pathetic.

2)  I have been fighting a cold and running on a sleep-deficit all week.  My average bed time this week has been about 3am.  I feel crappy during the day, and/or I have to work, so the only time I feel well enough to get stuff done is late at night.  Stupid.  No self-control.

3)  I REALLY wanted to go to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas Concert this year.  Tickets are free, but they draw from a lottery as to who gets them.  I have signed up every year for at least the past 5 years, and I have yet to receive any tickets.  But what do I see on Facebook?  "I went, and it was so wonderful!"  "Look where I am! Lucky me!"  My sister Sarah got to go (even though she really didn't care about it) because her friend got tickets.  My sister Rebeccca doesn't want to go tomorrow morning, because she'd have to get up so early.  My Mom will go, though she's not happy about driving all the way to Salt Lake tomorrow.  They didn't offer me an invitation, but I couldn't go anyway because I have to speak in Sacrament Meeting.  Becca told me to 'call in sick,' but I can't do that.  I accepted the invitation, so it's my responsibility to deliver.  Poor me.  Bad attitude.  Unlucky.

4)  Usually, I can put up with Allen's crap.  When I'm already in a mood, the things he does just grate on me.    He claimed that his only responsibility today was to keep Benji out of my hair so I could write my talk.  We were in Logan for the NFCP, and he spent practically the entire day playing on his Nook.  I took Benji and Rachael with me to Hobby Lobby, and Allen was supposed to keep an eye on Lily and Tessa.  "But I need to take a shower."  He kept reminding me that I needed to write my talk, but it is nearly impossible for me to concentrate when I'm in Logan.  We helped my mom make food baskets to take to people in her ward, and when it was suggested that Allen do something other than sit on his ass, he said "How did I get roped into this?"  I took a short nap, and when I came downstairs, my siblings were helping their children decorate gingerbread houses.  Allen was still sitting on the couch, not even trying to help Benji participate.  Allen didn't even consider taking Benji to the movie with everyone else.  We both ended up staying at the house, and though Allen was supposed to be watching Benji, I found the boy having thrown everything (including ornaments and a poinsettia) off of mom's entry table and spinning a knife.  Stellar job, honey.  Just spectacular.  And when asked to do something else, he said, "I'm in pack-mule mode," i.e., he was putting stuff in the car, and couldn't possibly help out someone else for a few minutes.  I'm pissed that I agreed to spend eternity with this guy.  Short-sighted.  Miserable.

5)  I love hanging out with my siblings.  It's honestly one of my favorite things.  Over dinner, we were talking about Thanksgiving (which Dave & Lexy spent in Chile), and they started talking (facetiously) about how their children are "perfect."  I know these kids, and I know how each of them has certain things they struggle with, but compared to Benji, in my twisted mind, they are perfect.  They are smart.  They are normal.  They don't have "Special Needs."  So again, I start feeling guilty about having an autistic child, recalling all the things that make me a terrible mother, and feeling jealous about all the things I am missing that other parents take for granted every day.  Sad.  Rueful.  Resentful.

6)  I'm so sad about the school shootings in Connecticut.  I can't believe how heartless one young man can be, and how sensational and political the media has made this incredibly sad event.  I'm grateful my boy is safe, and I'm glad he doesn't understand, but I still wish I could talk with him about it.  I wish he could understand how much I love him, even though I'm incredibly frustrated with him much of the time.   Horrified.  Unappreciative. 

Can you see why I'm not in a very good place to write something spiritual?  I feel slightly better having gotten it all out, and I know I just need to do it.  I'm a bad banana with a greasy black peel.

The Old Apartment

I have had a lot on my mind lately, but not a lot of time to write about it.  I menltioned it earlier, but that's about as far as I got.  Well . . . we have moved.  It was an ordeal.  The whole month of October pretty much sucked.  A lot of people told me they would rather move across country than across town.  I understand why.  Our apartment was so small that we kind-of had to take it a load at a time, just to have someplace to put the stuff.  I can't tell you how many times I drove back and forth.  My car is still not back to normal.

{By the way . . . I'm watching "Night At The Roxbury" right now, and it's so funny I'm having a hard time concentrating long enough to write something!  "Steve, don't hit on the bridesmaid.  It's your wedding!"  I need some Fluffi Whip!}

We are mostly moved in now.  It's down to unpacking and organizing, which isn't very easy.  There's definitely more room here at the house, but we need furniture and shelving.  We ended up tossing most of the furniture, because it was old, in VERY rough shape, and some of it was even moldy (thanks to the awesome swamp cooler).  So, as of now, our seating options consist of a rocking chair.  Yeah.  It's less than convenient; especially with nothing in the kitchen.  I did go to the D.I. today (we have made plenty of trips there as well; I got rid of at least 20% of my wardrobe, and I still have too many clothes!) and I bought a chaise lounge for $20.  It's in decent shape, but pretty dirty.  Good thing we have a steam cleaner, eh?  We also need to get the couches from Logan; I don't know how or when that is going to happen.  Renting a truck will cost at least $100, and now Allen tells me that our former landlord is charging us $1200 to replace the carpet in the apartment.  I'm so pissed about that!  We have got to find that contract; it is lost somewhere in the paper shuffle of the move.  I tried so hard to get organized before we left.  It's just an ongoing process, but seriously--isn't that what a deposit is for?  Isn't carpet replacement par-for-the-course when you own apartments?  It's unbelievable that he wants to charge us $1200 on top of our $400 deposit (which we obviously won't get back).  AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

So most of October was spent moving.  It wasn't pretty, and it REALLY wasn't very fun.  We had a little bit of help from ward members and from Allen's friend Aaron, but we did most of it ourselves.  Honestly, I never want to move again.  Sure, someday I'd like a bigger house (preferably one with a master bath), but it was horrible.  I'm glad it's done.  I actually like organizing and putting things back together; I just wish I had more money to purchase shelves and blinds and such.  Why does it all come back to money?  Gah.

Even Halloween sucked.  I woke up at 3:30a.m. (just as Allen was leaving to go to work) to the sweet sound of Benji projectile vomiting.  I knew he couldn't go to school, and I also knew that I had to get a lot done, and I was scheduled for a 12-hour shift.  So I ended up calling in sick, and we spent the entire day at the apartment cleaning.  One good thing about having a child who doesn't voice an opinion on what we do is that he doesn't voice an opinion on what we do.  He didn't care that he didn't go trick-or-treating.  He didn't care that all we ate that day was pizza from Costco.  Yes, I felt like I had flunked-out of Motherhood 101 because I had to do so much cleaning at the old apartment, I didn't dress Benji up or take him trick-or-treating, and I put off so much until the very last day of the month.  But . . . Benji didn't care.  Sometimes Autism can work to your advantage.  Most of the time it sucks, and it leaves me depressed and frustrated, but sometimes it can be helpful.

There are a lot of things I'd like to write about, but I need to go to bed.  Benji has to be on the bus at 7:05a.m., and I have to work tomorrow.  I'd also like to get the curtains up in the living room, clean out my car, and pick up the chaise before I go to work at 11.  I'm glad I voted early, because there's no way I could do that tomorrow, too.  Can I just say how glad I am the election will be over tomorrow?  I hate the landscape (and airwaves) littered with political paraphernalia.  All the arguing about who is right and who is better and who did what angers me and wears me out mentally.  It's too much.  I have been listening to more talk radio lately, which I usually try to avoid.  I do think the whole Bengazi cover-up will turn into something big, and I'm angry that the administration has kept it mostly under wraps because of the election.  There is so much lying and bitterness and, while I'm glad people are getting worked up about the election, I'm afraid they are getting worked up over the wrong things.  For me, it's all about the economy.  That's what affects me every day.  Even the prices of stuff at the D.I. (the thrift store) seem to have gone up.  I can't believe I paid $3 for a used muffin tin!  The chaise was a pretty good deal, but they wanted $25 for shelves that you can buy new for $30.  I voted for Romney because I think he has a better way to get the economy back on-track.  Obama has had four years to try, and I don't think my family (or this country) can afford four more years of his policies.  I am blessed to have a full-time job, I am blessed to have a working car, I am incredibly grateful that Benji has a scholarship to Pingree, and I am very lucky to be in a house now.  It's how we can afford everything else that worries me.  Money.  Ugh.  I would like it better if I had more of it, I'm sure.

I'm So Tired of Trying

**Caution: this post is going to be negative.  If you don't want to read it, that's fine.  You were warned.

Let's start with yesterday.  It was a lovely day--beautiful weather (in the 80's), I got to spend the morning playing tourist with my dear friend and former Zone Leader Sam Aubin, who is visiting from Germany.  I learned several new things about Temple Square, we went to lunch @ The Pie near the U, and I felt like I looked pretty nice (makeup, clothing, etc.--I was actually put-together).  I went up to Benji's school afterward and had a little chat with his teachers.  He is doing very well; he understands more than I give him credit for, and they don't let him get away with things like we do.  I need to work on that, and I need to make a communication book.  There are supposed to be some cool tools like that on iPads, which he would love, but which we definitely cannot afford right now.  :o(

So I was feeling pretty good when we left school.  I decided to take Benji to a park to let him play for a little while.  I took him to the potty before we did anything.  He went #1, then he played on the structure, and although I was a little sleepy, I thought I was keeping a fairly good eye on him.  That was, until I heard some kid say, "It smells like poo."  Having heard that, I got up and went for a closer look.  Yep--he was finger painting.  I took him back to the car, stripped him down and wiped him off the best I could, then put a towel on the carseat and strapped him in.  Then I had to take some wipes back to the playground to clean up his mess.  Thankfully there wasn't too much, but I was seriously annoyed.

I took him home and put him in the shower.  Later that afternoon, he had a meltdown--inconsolable crying and kicking and thrashing, which is one thing with a two-year-old, but is something else when you have a 55+ pound, very strong four-year-old hitting you.  This went on for about 20 minutes, making me wonder if he was in pain, because he can't tell us what's going on.  Then he stopped, and he was fine.  I don't get it.  I hope you parents out there can appreciate your child being able to tell you why he or she is crying, BECAUSE IT SUCKS WHEN HE CAN'T.  You feel totally helpless.

Then, Allen told me that the loan for the house has gone through and they are signing the papers THIS Thursday instead of next Thursday.  I said, "But I have to work," and he said, "You don't have to be there."  Okay . . . I understand that my name is not on the loan, but I thought it was going to be on the house.  Am I wrong to be pissed about this?  Buying a house is kind-of a big deal, and I would like to be there.  Apparently, Allen doesn't think it's important that I am.  And to me, that's just more proof that he doesn't care.  This house would be the ONLY thing he has done (on his own) to take care of Benji and me if anything should happen to him.  He doesn't have life insurance, he doesn't have a 401K, he doesn't have a will.  I, on the other hand, do have life (and health) insurance on him, on me, and on Benji.  I shell out for it every paycheck.  I have a 401K.  There's not a ton of money there, but enough to get him by for a few months, at least.  I am trying to prepare for the future financially, and I personally paid $1,000 in earnest money as part of our down payment (my dad helped with the rest--he is such a wonderful man).  But I don't have to be there.  Yeah.

Oh--and back to last Saturday.  He got up at 4:30am to go hunting with his friend Aaron.  Last week was incredibly busy for me, and I had to volunteer @ the Hilltop sale on Saturday morning, so Benji had to go to the Lake's house.  Whatever--they are great with Benji, and he likes going there.  Allen got back in time for me to go the the Relief Society General Meeting with Lexy and Desi, but as soon as I got home, Allen went to bed (leaving the house a disaster, as usual).  So I got to put Benji to bed, then clean, then go to work at 11pm.  I worked all night, and it was a really crappy shift that felt like it would never end.  I got home around 7:30am Sunday morning, and Benji was awake in his room (having wet the bed, totally soaked) and Allen was still asleep.  So I got Benji up and put him in the shower, and Allen appeared.  I was in a really bad mood, so he asked me what was wrong.  I told him I needed to sleep, and he asked, "Why didn't you get any sleep?"  Seriously?  Yes, I stay up late sometimes (which many times includes cleaning, like 1+1/2 hours worth tonight), but I pick up extra shifts, and I get home late.  Anyway, I slept for a couple of hours, but I was woken up by a call from my Visiting Teaching Supervisor, who asked me if I had done my VT for the month.  Nope.  She told me I could probably call them that day, but I told her it wasn't going to happen.  I sure love that guilt-trip every month, reminding me of what a slacker I am.

Then we went to Logan for the afternoon on Sunday (that's another post).  Allen wanted me to drive, since he was having allergy problems because of some mosquito bites he got while he was out hunting.  Um, no.  I was utterly exhausted from working all night, so I told him he needed to drive up, and I would drive back.  That worked okay, but I know I almost fell asleep while driving.  We got home around 9:30pm on Sunday, then I had to work 12 hours on Monday.  At least Tuesday morning was nice.

Then today I had to work another 12.  I also volunteered to bring a side dish to Katie's Bridal Shower at work.  I got Benji up and took him to the bathroom, but he wouldn't go.  I waited for around 10 minutes for him to finally go, but he never did.  So I got him dressed and ready and realized we would totally miss his bus. I had to drive him up to the school, but we were too early.  So we stopped at Smith's to get the stuff for the Cranberry salad I was going to make.  Then I took him to school and came home to make the salad.  It took me a good 90 minutes to make this salad (enough to cut into my primping time, so I look really rough today), and I brought it to work with me at 11am.  When I finally got to sit down for a few minutes (around 2pm), basically no one had eaten it.  It really sucks when all of your efforts are wasted.  Then at 3pm I was put in Dr. Zempoloch's room.  She is usually very nice, but I couldn't do anything right there, either.  So I was in a less-than-talkative mood.  People kept asking me if I was okay, but seriously--can't I just have an "off" day?  Do I have to be perky all the time?  Plus, I'm feeling the guilt for not scrubbing Liver transplants.  I think they did 3 in the last week, and I was asked by several people if I do scrub them.  I did, but that was one of the major reasons why I left IMC in 2010.  I was totally burned out from taking all of the implant call and doing them all the time.  I like my job, and I don't want to become that person again by growing to resent it, but should that be priority over the hospital's needs?  I'm sure I could scrub one if I had to; I just don't want to.  And yes, that makes me feel like a slacker, too.

I'm just really down on myself today.  I'm tired and poor and unwanted and ugly and nothing more than a housekeeper, babysitter and source of income for my husband.  We are together out of convenience: that's pretty much the only reason why we are still together.  It's certainly not because we are on the same team, because we are not.  We think very differently, and he hardly thinks of me at all.  I'm certainly not his first priority, and he isn't mine, either.  We don't make each other happy; we don't even really like spending time together.  Allen does what he does and expects me to be fine with it.  I guess I do the same.  I just wish he thought enough about how I feel to make sure I could be there at the signing.  Yes, I told him I wasn't happy about it, but that doesn't matter.  Nothing I do really matters.  I just work here.

She Was Making Other Plans

I know I have been MIA for a while.  I also know that I should be catching up on life events, rather than writing about stuff that only matters to me.  I guess that if you are actually reading (all two of you . . .), then maybe you do care about what I think is important.  So I guess I will keep writing.

I will catch up eventually; we got back from my family reunion in Yosemite National Park about 10 days ago, and I have been working a ton and I have been super busy with birthdays and such.  Also, I have been designated a "Super-User" for the Kronos WorkForce Services implementation at work (it sounds much more glamorous than it is, believe me), so I have had to sit down with about 20 different people and teach them how to use this new system.  Each session with a co-worker takes 30-45 minutes, and they did not allow for any overtime to get it done.  It has been a major project, trying to do my normal job and this training stuff when there is time, and when I happen to be scheduled at the same time as all of the people on my list.  And no, I'm not getting any compensation for it; I wasn't even asked if I wanted to do it (though I probably would have said yes).  I was walking into work one day and I was told that I had to go to this training, so I could teach other people.  Whatever.  It has been fine, just more to load onto my plate . . . because it wasn't full enough already.

Another reason why I haven't done more event-based blogging is because of the picture situation.  I love taking pictures of family events and I love creating beautiful photographs.  But it is a double-edged sword.  I want all of my pictures to look nice.  I don't want to upload unedited photos, even if it's just cropping and fixing exposure.  It bugs me when I don't do it, and considering the sheer numbers of photos I take, sorting through them all, finding and editing the best of them, uploading them, writing about them . . . it's a little overwhelming.  With my nieces' and nephews' birthdays, it's pretty much all I can do to 1) take the pictures and 2) upload them onto my picasa albums.  It's especially difficult during the summer, because once I'm done with one event, the next one is just around the corner.  So, folks, I'm sorry you don't get more pictures and stories.  I will try.

Okay, fine.  Here's a list of album links, in case you are interested (and in case I forgot to e-mail the links to you).

Ella's Birthday (8th Birthday Party on May 17, 2012)
Zekey's Birthday (1st Birthday Party on May 26, 2012)
Phoebe's Birthday (3rd Birthday Party on June 23, 2012)
Lily's Birthday (5th Birthday Party on June 30, 2012)
Day @ Hogle Zoo with Mach & Lex (July 19, 2012)
Family Reunion* (July 2012) *Warning!  Mostly unedited album, also including random pictures from vaycay!

Oh, what the heck.  Here are the links to Easter 2012 and Mother's Day 2012.  These kids are growing up so fast!  Of course there are lots of Benji pictures in each album, 1) because the boy is so stinkin' cute, and 2) because you never know when you'll get a really good one.  I actually found some great ones from last April that I had totally forgotten about.  And yes, between typing this sentence and the previous one, I had to  take 10 minutes to locate and edit this picture.  I got ones with better smiles, but they were out of focus.  Even so, this was worth it.

FYI, the shirt he was wearing in this picture is now permanently covered in stains from who-knows-what.  I have washed it at least 20 times trying to get it wearable again, all to no avail.  Gah!

This post turned out nothing like what I expected, but I guess that's the way life goes.  "Well you were happy where you were, but that girl, she reeled you in."  (Keane, Neon River).

Talk To Me

All right . . . back to more important things.  It's time for a Benji update.  This is the most recent picture I have of him is from our outing to the newish splash pad in North Salt Lake, in the Foxboro development.  It was a lovely day, and a really nice splash pad.  I met up with Konae there, and Rachael joined us.

Lily, Tessa & Benji @ the splash pad. 

Benji was in his little pirate shirt, which I made for all of the nieces & nephews @ his birthday party.  I'm glad the kiddos still wear them, even if they are ugly as sin!

Konae & her kids, and me trying to get Benji to look up.

Anyway, about Benjamin.  We have had a few big (well, big for us!) things happen in the past week.  First: I realized that he gets songs stuck in his head, too.  He's usually speaking his own language, so we only catch words here and there.  But the other day, he was quoting the Move and Groove song from "Signing Time" (Season 2), which gives you signs and actions.  He said, "Shake, shake, shake, freeze."  The next word is "kick," and eventually he said that, too.  It makes me happy to know that he sings to himself (incidentally, I have been singing Keane to myself for the past several weeks . . .), and that the connection between brain and mouth is becoming clearer.

Second: a real sentence.  While I'm fairly sure I have heard him say sentences before, I'm doubt he knew what he was saying (he said, "I guess I did it," but there was no reason or repetition).  This time, it was a response to a question.  The context: we were at Target yesterday, and he was sitting in the basket while we cruised the dollar section.  Since it is back-to-school time, they have some fun decor and stuff there, among which are street signs (''My Way or The Highway," etc.).  I pulled out a Stop sign (it says "Stop Studying" on one side; something equally snarky on the other), but it is red and shaped like an octagon.  I held it up to Benji and asked him what the sign said.

He replied: "The sign says . . ." then he paused for a minute, and said, "Stop."  I couldn't believe it!  He wouldn't say it again, but I know what I heard.  I think I may need to go back and buy that Stop sign, just to remind me!

Today, church was a bit of a challenge.  He would not sit still for ANYTHING, so it was basically a 3-hour wrestling match.  He was also talking to himself all through Primary, while the teacher was trying to give her lesson.  I also found out that a little girl in his class actually wanted to come play with Benji, but her mom didn't know how that might work with him.  I realized that Benji has very few social skills, and that I haven't sought out many opportunities for him to work on them.  I just know how he his with his cousins, who love him, but don't love playing with him.  I understand, and I'm not offended by it; they want some interaction, and Benji doesn't really know how to play with other kids.  He'll play along side them (sometimes), but he's so caught up in his own world, always exploring and finding things to spin and things to put in his mouth, that I'm not sure how much he even notices other kids. I'm sure this will be something we will be working on for the next few years (and maybe for the rest of his life), but the fact that Natalie actually wanted to play with him gave me a little wake-up call.  I don't think I'll be setting up playdates anytime soon, but I guess that is something that normal kids do, and maybe I should look into that.  I'm really going to try to get involved in the PTA and parent groups at the Pingree School this coming year, because almost all of the parents are going through this same thing.  Social awkwardness is a hallmark of an autistic child, so not having to explain what Benji does, what he understands, etc. will be so nice.

Even though church was pretty rough, we had something pretty monumental tonight at bath time.  He has pooped in the potty before, but only a few times, and most of those were lucky catches.  We always make him go potty (standing up) before he gets in the bath, but tonight he kept scratching his bum, so I sat him down.  I sat him down yesterday for about 20 minutes, and nothing.  Tonight, after about 10 minutes, he went!  He sat there for about 10 minutes longer, getting it all out.  I was so proud of him!  I told him a hundred times how proud I was, and I tried to be super-excited as a motivator for him.  I don't think he noticed how happy I was, but I told him "good job" over and over again.  I'm wondering if he wouldn't do better on a potty schedule.  As of now, he'll go when we take him, but he has never said the words "potty" or "poo poo" or "pee pee" without being prompted.  The other day, he was giving me hugs, and with no indication whatsoever, he pooped in his diaper.  I don't know if we can get on a pooping schedule, but I think we'll at least try a more strict potty schedule, and see if he'll stay dry.

Pretty exciting, at least in my world!  The next challenge is our upcoming vacation.  I don't know how he'll do on the road; I think we'll have to make a lot of pit-stops, but I'm pretty sure that's par-for-the-course when you have young kids.  I long for the day when I can say "Potty up, dudes!"

So Much To Say

A new post!  Are you so excited?!  Yeah, I thought so.

Just kidding.

I finally finished watching "How I Met Your Mother" last night (through season 6, anyway).  Everything else pretty much fell to the wayside while I was watching.  I don't think I have gone to bed before 2am in the past three weeks.  It's usually closer to 3am, and last night was 4am, just so I could finish it.  Yes, I know I have a problem.  That's why I'm very reluctant to start watching new t.v. series or start new books--my life can't go back to normal until I have finished them!  Netflix only has through season 6, so I'm thinking I'll have to do the Hulu + thing.  But if I subscribe to that, then I'll have to watch all of this season's Grey's Anatomy, Glee, and How I Met Your Mother.  That's too much commitment at the moment, so I'll wait until a) I can't stand it anymore, b) I have some time and have mostly caught up on stuff I have let slide for the past few weeks, or c) all of the above.

There are a lot of things I have been meaning to write about (future blog fodder), like:

• I want to start a recipe and/or craft blog; nothing huge, mostly a place for me to put my favorite recipes since I'm always misplacing my cookbook(s).
• Finishing up the cruise summaries (it WILL happen!)
• Write about make-up (that one is coming . . . and it will probably be pretty underwhelming, but I want to do it just the same)
• Compare and contrast HIMYM with Scrubs (another random post important to nobody but me)
• More music/opinion posts (those will be coming too, since I have a couple of awesome concerts coming up!)
• Spiritual stuff, especially with the lessons I have been teaching in Relief Society.

And then, there are the posts I really SHOULD do, like family stuff, preschool graduation, pictures, etc.  Part of the problem is that I take so many pictures, it's a little overwhelming.  I need to let go of the compulsion to edit every picture I post, but if you haven't figured out how obsessive I am over certain things, you will never, ever, ever know me.  Oooo-ooooohh.

Until I actually get to these things, this will have to tide you over.  Here are a few pictures from this past month.

This one doesn't have much to do with Mother's Day, but it's one of very few semi-successful action-shots I have gotten.  It is entitled, "Lily Running."  Super creative, I know.

I didn't really get any pictures of my Mom on Mother's Day (I definitely did not get the "best daughter award" this year!); I just took a bunch of pictures at the backyard bbq.  It was getting dark, and the kids were running pretty fast, so I was quite happy with this one.  You're welcome, Mach.

I did want to get a decent picture of my boy to give to his preschool teachers, so I got this one of him while we were in Logan:

There may have been better photos from that mini-shoot, but I love the look in his eye.  That's my Benji.

I got some great pictures at Ella's birthday party, so it really does deserve it's own post.  But this one just cracks me up.  It is entitled "Sister Shenanigans."

Rebecca was pretending to steal Sarah's new purse, so they had to ham it up for the camera.  Sometimes we just get into other people's pictures for a laugh, and that was Mach.  That reminded me of another classic from the cruise:

And another from last year's N.F.H.P.

But I digress.  Back to this month.  After teaching R.S. a couple of weeks ago, I headed downtown to the "Living Traditions Festival" to watch Peggy do some Basque dancing.  I didn't know Jack was doing it too, so I was pretty happy to get this picture (which I edited, and Peggy uploaded to her facebook using Instagram.  I admit I was a little offended!).

And this face is just classic Peggy.  It brings a little tear of joy to my eye.  Je t'aime, ma puce, and happy 10th to you and Scott-babes.

Then we had Zekey's birthday party.  My camera battery died halfway through (way to go, Mare!), but I got this cute one of the birthday boy with Pablo.  He's such a cute poquito caballero (yes, my spanish sucks.)  Lex did such a great job with the Curious George/Circus theme.  It was lots o' fun.

From Benji's last day of preschool at Lincoln, this is a picture of him with his teacher, Miss Erica.  And she's tickling his hands.  Sweet, silly boy.

I need to finish this up, but I did want to mention a nice moment from yesterday: I really am trying to be more active, and I wanted to take Benji for a little hike.  As we were driving up to Little Cottonwood Canyon, some Air Supply came on the radio, and I cranked it up and sang along to "Every Woman In The World."  It's kinda lame, but I had a fleeting feeling that I am doing okay as a mom.  I want Benji to remember me singing, I want him to love the music I love, the music that I grew up with, and I want to take him on little adventures.  The moment didn't last long, but it was nice to feel like maybe I am doing something right.

And there's May in a nutshell.  I really will try to elaborate . . . on verra.  Bonne nuit.