I Need a Little Fabulous

So . . . I just got LASIK.  In my right eye.  It is pretty fantastic, except that my vision is all screwed up, and I'm not supposed to wear a contact (singular!), and I thought that getting a clear plastic lens in my glasses would do the trick.  Uh, no.  I'm going to have to get new lenses in order to see over the next few weeks, after which I may dispose of said glasses.  No happy medium.  That's a little annoying.

I had it done on Friday afternoon, and that day pretty much sucked.  I also knew that I was on-call on Saturday, and the ferns down at Hoopes told me I wasn't supposed to drive or work until after my follow-up appointment on Saturday morning.  I tried to sleep that night, but ended up waking up every few hours to pee (and put in eye drops . . . the number of drops is unbelievable!!).  And then, at 6:30am, I get a call from my friend Gary: I had to go into work.  So, being very low on options at that point, I a) put a contact lens in my eye and b) drove myself to work.  I have been trying so hard to be a good patient!  I totally blew it on Saturday morning, though.  While driving, my head started pounding.  All of this messing with my vision has been giving me some killer headaches, which is getting really old.  I got into work, walked up to the desk, and Marilyn said, "Welcome.  You'll be doing a pelvis fracture in room 19 with Dr. Hillyard."  Well, that's not the worst thing in the world, but I just knew I wasn't going to be able to make it.  I told her I wasn't feeling well, so she called in a nurse to take my place.  I did try to get it all set up for her, which was just lovely as well.  Mind you, many regular cases need 1 or 2 sets of instruments; Ortho cases tend to take 5-9 sets.  Pelivs fractures with Hillyard?  I opened at least 15 sets, and I'm not sure I even had everything I needed.  Seriously.  Dr. Hillyard is very nice and patient, but also extremely meticulous (i.e., slow).  The case had been scheduled for 6 hours, and I think that was a pretty optimistic estimate.  Anyway, Susan came in to relieve me around 8:45am, so I left quickly and drove myself to my follow-up appointment.  Luckily, no one questioned me about arriving alone.  They did tell me to buy some more drops (because, apparently, I didn't have enough already), so I went to Target in search of some thicker artificial tears.  Who knew there was such a variety!?

I had taken some ibuprofen, so my headache was a bit better by then.  Even so, I spent a good 20 minutes in Target comparing brands and trying to find an acceptable substitute for what he told me to get (since they didn't have the exact one).  I also looked around the Christmas clearance aisles and found some fantastic stockings at half-price.  Yay!  I may actually get stockings up next year!

At this point, it was noon, and I was scheduled to meet my mission friends Peggy and Jack Jason for lunch at 1pm.  Because I had rolled out of bed at 6:30 to go to work, I looked pretty darn frumpy.  I was wearing scrub pants and my Train concert t-shirt, snow boots, a parka, a pathetic messy bun and zero makeup (per surgery instructions).  Here's the thing--if I were only meeting Peggy, I wouldn't care (girlfriend has seen me at my absolute worst).  But Jason (or JJD) is probably the most FABULOUS person I know.  I haven't seen him in years, probably since before I got married.  He is a lawyer in Washington D.C., we are Facebook friends and I recently discovered his incredible blog ("I live vicariously through you, remember?"), so I was thrilled when he messaged me and Peggy, asking us if we wanted to get together while he was here over Christmas.  Um, yes!!  {That may or may not have been another reason for me to be *sick* and leave work early on Saturday.  I plead the 5th.}

I didn't have time to go all the way home and change, so I stopped in at Ulta and purchased some combs and makeup.  I was not going to be totally embarrassed!  I dressed up the messy bun a bit with a braid, and put on some face makeup and blush (no eye makeup--I have been good about that!).  With that, I drove to Sugarhouse and we had a delightful lunch @ Finn's Cafe.  We had a server take an iPhone picture, which really did none of us any favors.  I was going to suggest a different spot for lighting purposes, but decided to go with it.  So this is what we got:

I'm holding a Diet Coke given to us "to go" (do you think that was a subtle hint?!); I'm not giving Peggy the bird on purpose.  Also, JJD has very nice hair, but this picture makes him look almost bald!  I tried to edit the picture, which looks marginally better and slightly BoBo thanks to the filters.

Jason is amazing.  He's sophisticated and hilarious and fashionable and, well, FABULOUS.  I adore him.  I adore Peggy too, but I can see her pretty much anytime.  Seeing Jason is such a rare treat--he's always working crazy 120-hour weeks, going to plays, taking crazy trips all around the world, and reading Les Misérables in the original french.  I want to be like him when I grow up.

At some point during our conversation, I requested an explanation of Jason and Peggy's method of judging people.  They had a code I didn't understand, but since they are up front about it and honest about where they fall within the scheme, it's okay.  Jason drew me a diagram on the back of the receipt.  It looked something like this (with fonts added for emphasis):

Let me explain.  No--there is too much.  Let me sum up: the people you know can basically be classified into one of these four categories.  I cringe as I write this, but the humor and the element of truth make it worthwhile.

F-people: like to use the F-bomb a lot.  If there were a t.v. show that describes an F-person, it would be "My Name is Earl" (with Maury Povich coming in a close second).  Mullets, NASCAR, trailers, etc.  FYI--Peggy likes to let her inner F-chick shine.

Peace people: Hippies.  Birkenstocks.  The entire state of Oregon.  NPR.  All about recycling.  I assert that anyone who graduates from the University of Utah have to be "Peace People" to a certain extent.  I'm not a serious Peace girl, but I was a Biology major: there was no escaping them.  I'm sure you get the idea.

D&D (or Dungeons and Dragons):  The nerds.  Big Bang Theory.  Computer, techie people who love Sci-Fi and are fairly anti-social.  Peggy says I'm totally D&D (even though I didn't know what D&D stood for--she had to explain it to me).  Just because I'm a Star Wars nerd . . . whatever.

And last but not least, BoBo (or Bohemian Bourgeoisie): The posh.  Frasier.  Drive a Lexus or a Saab.  Wouldn't be caught dead at Walmart, etc.

The whole conversation was a pleasure.  I laughed.  A LOT.  But I have been considering the diagram.  These categories are pretty basic, and I think there has to be some overlap.  I like to think of myself as kind-of a centrist (politically, socially, etc.).  I may be mostly D&D, but I'm cool with F-people.  I definitely prefer Target to Walmart, but that doesn't make me entirely BoBo.  I'm not the most avid Peace girl, but I recycle and I do think about the environment.

So this is where my New Year's resolution intersects with my friends' theories:

I will be a different kind of F chick, where F is for FABULOUS.  More to come (and Happy New Year!).

I'll See You When I Fall Asleep

I've been at work for about 14 hours now.  It has been a good day; we have had pizza delivered, we don't have any rooms going right now, and I'm making time-and-a-half at the moment.  We normally have two scrub techs working at night, but they both called in sick.  And since I am on-call, I am here.  It's actually a really good night for me to stay, because a) Tollene (Allen's mother) is staying with us for a couple of weeks, b) I'm short on my hours for the week because of the holiday, c) it's nice to be paid to blog and check my e-mail, and d) I'm (hopefully!) getting LASIK done tomorrow, after which I have been told I need to sleep it off.  So since I'm planning on sleeping most of the day anyway, I hope that being up most of the night won't be so bad.

About LASIK . . . here's the story.  Every year, Allen takes out a fair amount of money in his flexible spending account at work.  This money is "use it or lose it," so you don't want to take out too much.  We always said that if we had enough money left over at the end of the year, I could get LASIK. Usually, we only have a few hundred dollars left, so I get new glasses and call it good.  This year, we have around $2400 left over.  While that's good--no major illnesses or surgeries or doctor's visits this year--that's a lot of money to lose on December 31st.  So, in early December (while trying not to get my hopes up too high; you never know what will happen!), I start calling around to see if I can get an appointment.  Once place I called was totally booked.  Another place was so busy they kept me on hold for at least 10 minutes.  So, I called Hoopes Vision.  I had heard their ads on the radio many times, and my brother Dave had his eyes corrected by them earlier this year, with fantastic results.  Not only did they answer my call right away, but they had *one* appointment available before the end of the year.  I took it, and went through all the testing and scans and stuff (my eyes have never had such a workout--I had an incredible headache by the end!).  They said I would qualify, but it would cost around $2,000 per eye.  I was not expecting to have to pay that much, but I also didn't want to waste all that money.  So we scheduled the right eye for December 28th, and the left eye for early January.  I went home and argued talked about it with Allen, and we decided to just do it.  Merry Christmas to me!

I'm excited, and a little nervous.  I hope my eyes aren't too bloodshot from working tonight.  I hope my family is healthy for at least the next few days, because I feel guilty about using up the rest of the flex-spending money.  I'm annoyed that I'll still have to wear glasses (I'll have to replace my right lens with a clear lens); no contacts for the past couple of weeks and I haven't worn makeup for several days.

I hate not wearing makeup.  It is a little liberating, but I feel so much better about myself when I look nice.

*   *   *   *   *

Update: it's now 6:13am, and I have been at work for 19+ hours now (regular 12-hour shift + 8-hour on-call shift).  We didn't do any cases last night (miracle!), so I got to rest a little bit.  Here's hoping the next time I write my vision will be halfway greatly improved!

O Night Divine

I spend a lot of time on the negative in this blog . . . I'm sorry.  I struggle (a lot), and this is a good place to write whatever I want and get feedback from people who actually care enough about me to read it.  To those of you who actually read my blog, thank you.  I love and appreciate you, and I promise your Christmas cards are coming.

My mood improved significantly after my talk was finished.  I don't really mind speaking in church, but I didn't realize how stressful a situation it was until it was over.  I did want to share what I spoke about, because it means a lot to me.  I hope it helps you remember what Christmas is all about.

I did a little introduction of us, then did a little segue from the part of my serving a mission in France.  This is the outline of my talk; I apologize for the formatting issues.

• Name, recently called to Primary. Setting apart, asked Allen to speak in January. Thought I dodged a bullet; called later that evening, asked to speak today. Not a lot of time to prepare, grateful I get to speak during the Christmas season.
  
  
• Introduction
  • Allen: from California; been in Utah for 9-10 years. We met while both living in Sugar House. Fix-it man and Computer Guru. Works @ Unisys doing tech support for Blackrock. Works crazy hours.
  • Mary: born & raised in Utah, served mission in Belgium and France, graduated from the U in Biology. Work at IMC as a surgical tech. Work opposite shifts to take care of Benji, though we need help sometimes. Actually, we are in need of some babysitting help during Winter break. If available, please come see me after meeting.
  • Benjamin: 5 in February. Autistic, sorry for noise. Attends Carmen B. Pingree school near University. Likes Lightning McQueen, eating anything sweet, playing in water, Benny Bear.
    
    
• Served mission in France, came to love so many things about culture (I'm a total Francophile!). One of the most beloved French Christmas songs is the “Cantique de Noël,” which literally means “Hymn of Christmas.” We know it as “O Holy Night.” I don't love every version of this song (*cough* Mariah Carey), but the lyrics to this song are so beautiful, I wanted to share them with you as the basis of my talk today. I was given the subject of the Atonement, and this song encompasses both the miracle of our Savior's birth, and the wondrous gift of His Atoning sacrifice.

First: literal translation of original French (thank you, Wikipedia!)

Midnight, Christians, it is the solemn hour,

When God as man descended unto us

To erase the stain of original sin

And to end the wrath of His Father.

               We must remember that this song was written by a Catholic man, Placide Cappeau in France in the early 1800's. We know from the second article of faith that our Heavenly Father will punish man for his own sins, not for Adam's transgression. This statement reminds us that Adam fell that men might be, and Christ came to the earth that we may return to live with God again.

The entire world thrills with hope

On this night that gives it a Savior.

How thrilling, indeed, that Heavenly Father sent His only begotten Son to save us? I'm certain you and I were among the angels singing and rejoicing that Christ had been born in Bethlehem.

People kneel down, wait for your deliverance.

Christmas, Christmas, here is the Redeemer,

Christmas, Christmas, here is the Redeemer!

Here is the Child of God who is come to save us! Let us kneel at the manger, the cradle of the beautiful baby boy who will be our Advocate with the Father.

The second verse is not sung very often, since the song is quite long enough with two verses. Again, here is the translation of the original French.

May the ardent light of our Faith

Guide us all to the cradle of the infant,

As in ancient times a brilliant star

Guided the Oriental kings there.

The King of Kings was born in a humble manger;

O mighty ones of today, proud of your greatness,

It is to your pride that God preaches.

Bow your heads before the Redeemer!

Bow your heads before the Redeemer!

We can all learn a great lesson of humility from our Savior. The King of Kings— the only begotten Son of our Heavenly Father, was born in such humble circumstances. He was surrounded by the poor his entire life. He loved everyone—high and low—and He led not by power or coercion, but by his unwavering goodness, kindness and righteous example.

The Redeemer has broken every bond:

The Earth is free, and Heaven is open.

He sees a brother where there was only a slave,

Love unites those that iron had chained.

Who will tell Him of our gratitude,

For all of us He is born, He suffers and dies.

People stand up! Sing of your deliverance,

Christmas, Christmas, sing of the Redeemer,

Christmas, Christmas, sing of the Redeemer!

Christmas is such a beautiful time of year. It can be painful for many people, as we recall those who are no longer with us. I have cried many tears over the past few days, in memory of the beautiful children in Connecticut, but I know they are with our Savior. He suffered and died for all of us. I'd like to quote from an article in the April 2012 Ensign, a talk given by Elder David A. Bednar.

“In Alma chapter 7 we learn how and why the Savior is able to provide the enabling power:

“He shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

“And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities” (Alma 7:11–12).

“The Savior has suffered not just for our iniquities but also for the inequality, the unfairness, the pain, the anguish, and the emotional distresses that so frequently beset us. There is no physical pain, no anguish of soul, no suffering of spirit, no infirmity or weakness that you or I ever experience during our mortal journey that the Savior did not experience first. You and I in a moment of weakness may cry out, “No one understands. No one knows.” No human being, perhaps, knows. But the Son of God perfectly knows and understands, for He felt and bore our burdens before we ever did. And because He paid the ultimate price and bore that burden, He has perfect empathy and can extend to us His arm of mercy in so many phases of our life. He can reach out, touch, succor—literally run to us—and strengthen us to be more than we could ever be and help us to do that which we could never do through relying upon only our own power.”

I'd now like to read to you the English version of “O Holy Night.” If I had had a little more time to prepare, I might have been able to sing it (or find someone to sing it) for you, but I hope you will really listen to the words. It truly is one of the most beautiful Christmas songs.

O holy night! The stars are brightly shining,

It is the night of our dear Saviour's birth.

Long lay the world in sin and error pining,

'Til He appear'd and the soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees! O hear the angel voices!

O night divine, O night when Christ was born;

O night divine, O night, O night Divine.

Led by the light of Faith serenely beaming,

With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.

So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,

Here come the wise men from Orient land.

The King of Kings lay thus in lowly manger;

In all our trials born to be our friend.

He knows our need, to our weakness is no stranger,

Behold your King! Before Him lowly bend!

Behold your King, Before Him lowly bend!

Truly He taught us to love one another;

His law is love and His gospel is peace.

Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother;

And in His name all oppression shall cease.

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,

Let all within us praise His holy name.

Christ is the Lord! O praise His Name forever,

His power and glory evermore proclaim.

His power and glory evermore proclaim.

I hope when you hear this song, you will remember its' message of hope and praise. The Son of God knows our need; He was born to be our friend. He loves us, and He made it possible for us to return to the presence of our Heavenly Father. Christ is the Lord! Let all within us praise His holy name! I pray we may all do so, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

As Charming As An Eel

I'm in a rotten mood.  I should be writing my talk for church tomorrow, but my brain is not in a place where I can have the Spirit with me.  I need to get all the crap out to have room for the happy stuff, and this is where I've decided to download the bad.  Feel free to skip this entry; it's probably not good for consumption.  Garlic-in-your-soul, sea-sick crocodile, don't-touch-it-with-a-39-and-a-half-foot-pole kind of stuff.

I have depression.  I hate to admit it, and I hate when it gets to me.  There are a lot of reasons for me to be happy, and yet they can't take root because of all the guilt and resentment and pain that eats me up inside.  Here's why I'm such a grinch today.

1)  I have to speak in church tomorrow.  I have been thinking about what I want to say all week, but I haven't written anything down yet.  I have less than 11 hours to do so, and I'm blogging instead.  So what do I hear in the back of my head?  Procrastinator.  Pathetic.

2)  I have been fighting a cold and running on a sleep-deficit all week.  My average bed time this week has been about 3am.  I feel crappy during the day, and/or I have to work, so the only time I feel well enough to get stuff done is late at night.  Stupid.  No self-control.

3)  I REALLY wanted to go to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas Concert this year.  Tickets are free, but they draw from a lottery as to who gets them.  I have signed up every year for at least the past 5 years, and I have yet to receive any tickets.  But what do I see on Facebook?  "I went, and it was so wonderful!"  "Look where I am! Lucky me!"  My sister Sarah got to go (even though she really didn't care about it) because her friend got tickets.  My sister Rebeccca doesn't want to go tomorrow morning, because she'd have to get up so early.  My Mom will go, though she's not happy about driving all the way to Salt Lake tomorrow.  They didn't offer me an invitation, but I couldn't go anyway because I have to speak in Sacrament Meeting.  Becca told me to 'call in sick,' but I can't do that.  I accepted the invitation, so it's my responsibility to deliver.  Poor me.  Bad attitude.  Unlucky.

4)  Usually, I can put up with Allen's crap.  When I'm already in a mood, the things he does just grate on me.    He claimed that his only responsibility today was to keep Benji out of my hair so I could write my talk.  We were in Logan for the NFCP, and he spent practically the entire day playing on his Nook.  I took Benji and Rachael with me to Hobby Lobby, and Allen was supposed to keep an eye on Lily and Tessa.  "But I need to take a shower."  He kept reminding me that I needed to write my talk, but it is nearly impossible for me to concentrate when I'm in Logan.  We helped my mom make food baskets to take to people in her ward, and when it was suggested that Allen do something other than sit on his ass, he said "How did I get roped into this?"  I took a short nap, and when I came downstairs, my siblings were helping their children decorate gingerbread houses.  Allen was still sitting on the couch, not even trying to help Benji participate.  Allen didn't even consider taking Benji to the movie with everyone else.  We both ended up staying at the house, and though Allen was supposed to be watching Benji, I found the boy having thrown everything (including ornaments and a poinsettia) off of mom's entry table and spinning a knife.  Stellar job, honey.  Just spectacular.  And when asked to do something else, he said, "I'm in pack-mule mode," i.e., he was putting stuff in the car, and couldn't possibly help out someone else for a few minutes.  I'm pissed that I agreed to spend eternity with this guy.  Short-sighted.  Miserable.

5)  I love hanging out with my siblings.  It's honestly one of my favorite things.  Over dinner, we were talking about Thanksgiving (which Dave & Lexy spent in Chile), and they started talking (facetiously) about how their children are "perfect."  I know these kids, and I know how each of them has certain things they struggle with, but compared to Benji, in my twisted mind, they are perfect.  They are smart.  They are normal.  They don't have "Special Needs."  So again, I start feeling guilty about having an autistic child, recalling all the things that make me a terrible mother, and feeling jealous about all the things I am missing that other parents take for granted every day.  Sad.  Rueful.  Resentful.

6)  I'm so sad about the school shootings in Connecticut.  I can't believe how heartless one young man can be, and how sensational and political the media has made this incredibly sad event.  I'm grateful my boy is safe, and I'm glad he doesn't understand, but I still wish I could talk with him about it.  I wish he could understand how much I love him, even though I'm incredibly frustrated with him much of the time.   Horrified.  Unappreciative. 

Can you see why I'm not in a very good place to write something spiritual?  I feel slightly better having gotten it all out, and I know I just need to do it.  I'm a bad banana with a greasy black peel.