I Need a Little Fabulous

So . . . I just got LASIK.  In my right eye.  It is pretty fantastic, except that my vision is all screwed up, and I'm not supposed to wear a contact (singular!), and I thought that getting a clear plastic lens in my glasses would do the trick.  Uh, no.  I'm going to have to get new lenses in order to see over the next few weeks, after which I may dispose of said glasses.  No happy medium.  That's a little annoying.

I had it done on Friday afternoon, and that day pretty much sucked.  I also knew that I was on-call on Saturday, and the ferns down at Hoopes told me I wasn't supposed to drive or work until after my follow-up appointment on Saturday morning.  I tried to sleep that night, but ended up waking up every few hours to pee (and put in eye drops . . . the number of drops is unbelievable!!).  And then, at 6:30am, I get a call from my friend Gary: I had to go into work.  So, being very low on options at that point, I a) put a contact lens in my eye and b) drove myself to work.  I have been trying so hard to be a good patient!  I totally blew it on Saturday morning, though.  While driving, my head started pounding.  All of this messing with my vision has been giving me some killer headaches, which is getting really old.  I got into work, walked up to the desk, and Marilyn said, "Welcome.  You'll be doing a pelvis fracture in room 19 with Dr. Hillyard."  Well, that's not the worst thing in the world, but I just knew I wasn't going to be able to make it.  I told her I wasn't feeling well, so she called in a nurse to take my place.  I did try to get it all set up for her, which was just lovely as well.  Mind you, many regular cases need 1 or 2 sets of instruments; Ortho cases tend to take 5-9 sets.  Pelivs fractures with Hillyard?  I opened at least 15 sets, and I'm not sure I even had everything I needed.  Seriously.  Dr. Hillyard is very nice and patient, but also extremely meticulous (i.e., slow).  The case had been scheduled for 6 hours, and I think that was a pretty optimistic estimate.  Anyway, Susan came in to relieve me around 8:45am, so I left quickly and drove myself to my follow-up appointment.  Luckily, no one questioned me about arriving alone.  They did tell me to buy some more drops (because, apparently, I didn't have enough already), so I went to Target in search of some thicker artificial tears.  Who knew there was such a variety!?

I had taken some ibuprofen, so my headache was a bit better by then.  Even so, I spent a good 20 minutes in Target comparing brands and trying to find an acceptable substitute for what he told me to get (since they didn't have the exact one).  I also looked around the Christmas clearance aisles and found some fantastic stockings at half-price.  Yay!  I may actually get stockings up next year!

At this point, it was noon, and I was scheduled to meet my mission friends Peggy and Jack Jason for lunch at 1pm.  Because I had rolled out of bed at 6:30 to go to work, I looked pretty darn frumpy.  I was wearing scrub pants and my Train concert t-shirt, snow boots, a parka, a pathetic messy bun and zero makeup (per surgery instructions).  Here's the thing--if I were only meeting Peggy, I wouldn't care (girlfriend has seen me at my absolute worst).  But Jason (or JJD) is probably the most FABULOUS person I know.  I haven't seen him in years, probably since before I got married.  He is a lawyer in Washington D.C., we are Facebook friends and I recently discovered his incredible blog ("I live vicariously through you, remember?"), so I was thrilled when he messaged me and Peggy, asking us if we wanted to get together while he was here over Christmas.  Um, yes!!  {That may or may not have been another reason for me to be *sick* and leave work early on Saturday.  I plead the 5th.}

I didn't have time to go all the way home and change, so I stopped in at Ulta and purchased some combs and makeup.  I was not going to be totally embarrassed!  I dressed up the messy bun a bit with a braid, and put on some face makeup and blush (no eye makeup--I have been good about that!).  With that, I drove to Sugarhouse and we had a delightful lunch @ Finn's Cafe.  We had a server take an iPhone picture, which really did none of us any favors.  I was going to suggest a different spot for lighting purposes, but decided to go with it.  So this is what we got:

I'm holding a Diet Coke given to us "to go" (do you think that was a subtle hint?!); I'm not giving Peggy the bird on purpose.  Also, JJD has very nice hair, but this picture makes him look almost bald!  I tried to edit the picture, which looks marginally better and slightly BoBo thanks to the filters.

Jason is amazing.  He's sophisticated and hilarious and fashionable and, well, FABULOUS.  I adore him.  I adore Peggy too, but I can see her pretty much anytime.  Seeing Jason is such a rare treat--he's always working crazy 120-hour weeks, going to plays, taking crazy trips all around the world, and reading Les Misérables in the original french.  I want to be like him when I grow up.

At some point during our conversation, I requested an explanation of Jason and Peggy's method of judging people.  They had a code I didn't understand, but since they are up front about it and honest about where they fall within the scheme, it's okay.  Jason drew me a diagram on the back of the receipt.  It looked something like this (with fonts added for emphasis):

Let me explain.  No--there is too much.  Let me sum up: the people you know can basically be classified into one of these four categories.  I cringe as I write this, but the humor and the element of truth make it worthwhile.

F-people: like to use the F-bomb a lot.  If there were a t.v. show that describes an F-person, it would be "My Name is Earl" (with Maury Povich coming in a close second).  Mullets, NASCAR, trailers, etc.  FYI--Peggy likes to let her inner F-chick shine.

Peace people: Hippies.  Birkenstocks.  The entire state of Oregon.  NPR.  All about recycling.  I assert that anyone who graduates from the University of Utah have to be "Peace People" to a certain extent.  I'm not a serious Peace girl, but I was a Biology major: there was no escaping them.  I'm sure you get the idea.

D&D (or Dungeons and Dragons):  The nerds.  Big Bang Theory.  Computer, techie people who love Sci-Fi and are fairly anti-social.  Peggy says I'm totally D&D (even though I didn't know what D&D stood for--she had to explain it to me).  Just because I'm a Star Wars nerd . . . whatever.

And last but not least, BoBo (or Bohemian Bourgeoisie): The posh.  Frasier.  Drive a Lexus or a Saab.  Wouldn't be caught dead at Walmart, etc.

The whole conversation was a pleasure.  I laughed.  A LOT.  But I have been considering the diagram.  These categories are pretty basic, and I think there has to be some overlap.  I like to think of myself as kind-of a centrist (politically, socially, etc.).  I may be mostly D&D, but I'm cool with F-people.  I definitely prefer Target to Walmart, but that doesn't make me entirely BoBo.  I'm not the most avid Peace girl, but I recycle and I do think about the environment.

So this is where my New Year's resolution intersects with my friends' theories:

I will be a different kind of F chick, where F is for FABULOUS.  More to come (and Happy New Year!).

I'll See You When I Fall Asleep

I've been at work for about 14 hours now.  It has been a good day; we have had pizza delivered, we don't have any rooms going right now, and I'm making time-and-a-half at the moment.  We normally have two scrub techs working at night, but they both called in sick.  And since I am on-call, I am here.  It's actually a really good night for me to stay, because a) Tollene (Allen's mother) is staying with us for a couple of weeks, b) I'm short on my hours for the week because of the holiday, c) it's nice to be paid to blog and check my e-mail, and d) I'm (hopefully!) getting LASIK done tomorrow, after which I have been told I need to sleep it off.  So since I'm planning on sleeping most of the day anyway, I hope that being up most of the night won't be so bad.

About LASIK . . . here's the story.  Every year, Allen takes out a fair amount of money in his flexible spending account at work.  This money is "use it or lose it," so you don't want to take out too much.  We always said that if we had enough money left over at the end of the year, I could get LASIK. Usually, we only have a few hundred dollars left, so I get new glasses and call it good.  This year, we have around $2400 left over.  While that's good--no major illnesses or surgeries or doctor's visits this year--that's a lot of money to lose on December 31st.  So, in early December (while trying not to get my hopes up too high; you never know what will happen!), I start calling around to see if I can get an appointment.  Once place I called was totally booked.  Another place was so busy they kept me on hold for at least 10 minutes.  So, I called Hoopes Vision.  I had heard their ads on the radio many times, and my brother Dave had his eyes corrected by them earlier this year, with fantastic results.  Not only did they answer my call right away, but they had *one* appointment available before the end of the year.  I took it, and went through all the testing and scans and stuff (my eyes have never had such a workout--I had an incredible headache by the end!).  They said I would qualify, but it would cost around $2,000 per eye.  I was not expecting to have to pay that much, but I also didn't want to waste all that money.  So we scheduled the right eye for December 28th, and the left eye for early January.  I went home and argued talked about it with Allen, and we decided to just do it.  Merry Christmas to me!

I'm excited, and a little nervous.  I hope my eyes aren't too bloodshot from working tonight.  I hope my family is healthy for at least the next few days, because I feel guilty about using up the rest of the flex-spending money.  I'm annoyed that I'll still have to wear glasses (I'll have to replace my right lens with a clear lens); no contacts for the past couple of weeks and I haven't worn makeup for several days.

I hate not wearing makeup.  It is a little liberating, but I feel so much better about myself when I look nice.

*   *   *   *   *

Update: it's now 6:13am, and I have been at work for 19+ hours now (regular 12-hour shift + 8-hour on-call shift).  We didn't do any cases last night (miracle!), so I got to rest a little bit.  Here's hoping the next time I write my vision will be halfway greatly improved!

O Night Divine

I spend a lot of time on the negative in this blog . . . I'm sorry.  I struggle (a lot), and this is a good place to write whatever I want and get feedback from people who actually care enough about me to read it.  To those of you who actually read my blog, thank you.  I love and appreciate you, and I promise your Christmas cards are coming.

My mood improved significantly after my talk was finished.  I don't really mind speaking in church, but I didn't realize how stressful a situation it was until it was over.  I did want to share what I spoke about, because it means a lot to me.  I hope it helps you remember what Christmas is all about.

I did a little introduction of us, then did a little segue from the part of my serving a mission in France.  This is the outline of my talk; I apologize for the formatting issues.

• Name, recently called to Primary. Setting apart, asked Allen to speak in January. Thought I dodged a bullet; called later that evening, asked to speak today. Not a lot of time to prepare, grateful I get to speak during the Christmas season.
  
  
• Introduction
  • Allen: from California; been in Utah for 9-10 years. We met while both living in Sugar House. Fix-it man and Computer Guru. Works @ Unisys doing tech support for Blackrock. Works crazy hours.
  • Mary: born & raised in Utah, served mission in Belgium and France, graduated from the U in Biology. Work at IMC as a surgical tech. Work opposite shifts to take care of Benji, though we need help sometimes. Actually, we are in need of some babysitting help during Winter break. If available, please come see me after meeting.
  • Benjamin: 5 in February. Autistic, sorry for noise. Attends Carmen B. Pingree school near University. Likes Lightning McQueen, eating anything sweet, playing in water, Benny Bear.
    
    
• Served mission in France, came to love so many things about culture (I'm a total Francophile!). One of the most beloved French Christmas songs is the “Cantique de Noël,” which literally means “Hymn of Christmas.” We know it as “O Holy Night.” I don't love every version of this song (*cough* Mariah Carey), but the lyrics to this song are so beautiful, I wanted to share them with you as the basis of my talk today. I was given the subject of the Atonement, and this song encompasses both the miracle of our Savior's birth, and the wondrous gift of His Atoning sacrifice.

First: literal translation of original French (thank you, Wikipedia!)

Midnight, Christians, it is the solemn hour,

When God as man descended unto us

To erase the stain of original sin

And to end the wrath of His Father.

               We must remember that this song was written by a Catholic man, Placide Cappeau in France in the early 1800's. We know from the second article of faith that our Heavenly Father will punish man for his own sins, not for Adam's transgression. This statement reminds us that Adam fell that men might be, and Christ came to the earth that we may return to live with God again.

The entire world thrills with hope

On this night that gives it a Savior.

How thrilling, indeed, that Heavenly Father sent His only begotten Son to save us? I'm certain you and I were among the angels singing and rejoicing that Christ had been born in Bethlehem.

People kneel down, wait for your deliverance.

Christmas, Christmas, here is the Redeemer,

Christmas, Christmas, here is the Redeemer!

Here is the Child of God who is come to save us! Let us kneel at the manger, the cradle of the beautiful baby boy who will be our Advocate with the Father.

The second verse is not sung very often, since the song is quite long enough with two verses. Again, here is the translation of the original French.

May the ardent light of our Faith

Guide us all to the cradle of the infant,

As in ancient times a brilliant star

Guided the Oriental kings there.

The King of Kings was born in a humble manger;

O mighty ones of today, proud of your greatness,

It is to your pride that God preaches.

Bow your heads before the Redeemer!

Bow your heads before the Redeemer!

We can all learn a great lesson of humility from our Savior. The King of Kings— the only begotten Son of our Heavenly Father, was born in such humble circumstances. He was surrounded by the poor his entire life. He loved everyone—high and low—and He led not by power or coercion, but by his unwavering goodness, kindness and righteous example.

The Redeemer has broken every bond:

The Earth is free, and Heaven is open.

He sees a brother where there was only a slave,

Love unites those that iron had chained.

Who will tell Him of our gratitude,

For all of us He is born, He suffers and dies.

People stand up! Sing of your deliverance,

Christmas, Christmas, sing of the Redeemer,

Christmas, Christmas, sing of the Redeemer!

Christmas is such a beautiful time of year. It can be painful for many people, as we recall those who are no longer with us. I have cried many tears over the past few days, in memory of the beautiful children in Connecticut, but I know they are with our Savior. He suffered and died for all of us. I'd like to quote from an article in the April 2012 Ensign, a talk given by Elder David A. Bednar.

“In Alma chapter 7 we learn how and why the Savior is able to provide the enabling power:

“He shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

“And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities” (Alma 7:11–12).

“The Savior has suffered not just for our iniquities but also for the inequality, the unfairness, the pain, the anguish, and the emotional distresses that so frequently beset us. There is no physical pain, no anguish of soul, no suffering of spirit, no infirmity or weakness that you or I ever experience during our mortal journey that the Savior did not experience first. You and I in a moment of weakness may cry out, “No one understands. No one knows.” No human being, perhaps, knows. But the Son of God perfectly knows and understands, for He felt and bore our burdens before we ever did. And because He paid the ultimate price and bore that burden, He has perfect empathy and can extend to us His arm of mercy in so many phases of our life. He can reach out, touch, succor—literally run to us—and strengthen us to be more than we could ever be and help us to do that which we could never do through relying upon only our own power.”

I'd now like to read to you the English version of “O Holy Night.” If I had had a little more time to prepare, I might have been able to sing it (or find someone to sing it) for you, but I hope you will really listen to the words. It truly is one of the most beautiful Christmas songs.

O holy night! The stars are brightly shining,

It is the night of our dear Saviour's birth.

Long lay the world in sin and error pining,

'Til He appear'd and the soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees! O hear the angel voices!

O night divine, O night when Christ was born;

O night divine, O night, O night Divine.

Led by the light of Faith serenely beaming,

With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.

So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,

Here come the wise men from Orient land.

The King of Kings lay thus in lowly manger;

In all our trials born to be our friend.

He knows our need, to our weakness is no stranger,

Behold your King! Before Him lowly bend!

Behold your King, Before Him lowly bend!

Truly He taught us to love one another;

His law is love and His gospel is peace.

Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother;

And in His name all oppression shall cease.

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,

Let all within us praise His holy name.

Christ is the Lord! O praise His Name forever,

His power and glory evermore proclaim.

His power and glory evermore proclaim.

I hope when you hear this song, you will remember its' message of hope and praise. The Son of God knows our need; He was born to be our friend. He loves us, and He made it possible for us to return to the presence of our Heavenly Father. Christ is the Lord! Let all within us praise His holy name! I pray we may all do so, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

As Charming As An Eel

I'm in a rotten mood.  I should be writing my talk for church tomorrow, but my brain is not in a place where I can have the Spirit with me.  I need to get all the crap out to have room for the happy stuff, and this is where I've decided to download the bad.  Feel free to skip this entry; it's probably not good for consumption.  Garlic-in-your-soul, sea-sick crocodile, don't-touch-it-with-a-39-and-a-half-foot-pole kind of stuff.

I have depression.  I hate to admit it, and I hate when it gets to me.  There are a lot of reasons for me to be happy, and yet they can't take root because of all the guilt and resentment and pain that eats me up inside.  Here's why I'm such a grinch today.

1)  I have to speak in church tomorrow.  I have been thinking about what I want to say all week, but I haven't written anything down yet.  I have less than 11 hours to do so, and I'm blogging instead.  So what do I hear in the back of my head?  Procrastinator.  Pathetic.

2)  I have been fighting a cold and running on a sleep-deficit all week.  My average bed time this week has been about 3am.  I feel crappy during the day, and/or I have to work, so the only time I feel well enough to get stuff done is late at night.  Stupid.  No self-control.

3)  I REALLY wanted to go to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas Concert this year.  Tickets are free, but they draw from a lottery as to who gets them.  I have signed up every year for at least the past 5 years, and I have yet to receive any tickets.  But what do I see on Facebook?  "I went, and it was so wonderful!"  "Look where I am! Lucky me!"  My sister Sarah got to go (even though she really didn't care about it) because her friend got tickets.  My sister Rebeccca doesn't want to go tomorrow morning, because she'd have to get up so early.  My Mom will go, though she's not happy about driving all the way to Salt Lake tomorrow.  They didn't offer me an invitation, but I couldn't go anyway because I have to speak in Sacrament Meeting.  Becca told me to 'call in sick,' but I can't do that.  I accepted the invitation, so it's my responsibility to deliver.  Poor me.  Bad attitude.  Unlucky.

4)  Usually, I can put up with Allen's crap.  When I'm already in a mood, the things he does just grate on me.    He claimed that his only responsibility today was to keep Benji out of my hair so I could write my talk.  We were in Logan for the NFCP, and he spent practically the entire day playing on his Nook.  I took Benji and Rachael with me to Hobby Lobby, and Allen was supposed to keep an eye on Lily and Tessa.  "But I need to take a shower."  He kept reminding me that I needed to write my talk, but it is nearly impossible for me to concentrate when I'm in Logan.  We helped my mom make food baskets to take to people in her ward, and when it was suggested that Allen do something other than sit on his ass, he said "How did I get roped into this?"  I took a short nap, and when I came downstairs, my siblings were helping their children decorate gingerbread houses.  Allen was still sitting on the couch, not even trying to help Benji participate.  Allen didn't even consider taking Benji to the movie with everyone else.  We both ended up staying at the house, and though Allen was supposed to be watching Benji, I found the boy having thrown everything (including ornaments and a poinsettia) off of mom's entry table and spinning a knife.  Stellar job, honey.  Just spectacular.  And when asked to do something else, he said, "I'm in pack-mule mode," i.e., he was putting stuff in the car, and couldn't possibly help out someone else for a few minutes.  I'm pissed that I agreed to spend eternity with this guy.  Short-sighted.  Miserable.

5)  I love hanging out with my siblings.  It's honestly one of my favorite things.  Over dinner, we were talking about Thanksgiving (which Dave & Lexy spent in Chile), and they started talking (facetiously) about how their children are "perfect."  I know these kids, and I know how each of them has certain things they struggle with, but compared to Benji, in my twisted mind, they are perfect.  They are smart.  They are normal.  They don't have "Special Needs."  So again, I start feeling guilty about having an autistic child, recalling all the things that make me a terrible mother, and feeling jealous about all the things I am missing that other parents take for granted every day.  Sad.  Rueful.  Resentful.

6)  I'm so sad about the school shootings in Connecticut.  I can't believe how heartless one young man can be, and how sensational and political the media has made this incredibly sad event.  I'm grateful my boy is safe, and I'm glad he doesn't understand, but I still wish I could talk with him about it.  I wish he could understand how much I love him, even though I'm incredibly frustrated with him much of the time.   Horrified.  Unappreciative. 

Can you see why I'm not in a very good place to write something spiritual?  I feel slightly better having gotten it all out, and I know I just need to do it.  I'm a bad banana with a greasy black peel.

I Don't Know Which Side I'm On

Quotes from my Facebook wall after the declaration of Barack Obama as the re-elected president:

• Sherri Butler: Yay!
• Melissa Boren:  Ok so canada, mexico, or australia......... mark my words america by the end of this term ur gunna be kicking urselves in the ass!!!!! Women ur still not going to have everything u want, gays we still arent gunna be able to get married In all states, health care is gunna suck ass, and our debt will be higher than ever! That is all I'm done tomorrow is just another day
• Emily McWidener:  Putin will be stoked that Obama has more flexibility now.
  
• George Takei:  Overheard: "And America proves once again, once you go black..."  Oh Myyy...
• Mary Woolf Christensen:  I'm so sick right now!!
• Elizabeth Dunn:  Oh thank you Fate!
• Des Burke:  Yeah!!!!
• Camie Shunn Harper:  Depressing!
• Aaron Williams:  I'm hearing rumors that we can expect an official announcement from the LDS church that we will be allowed to "drink this one off." Can anyone confirm?

That's just a sample.  I have gotten myself so worked up over this election that I honestly feel sick.  Let me back up a little . . . My mom has always been politically active, and my dad has always been fairly quiet, though they are both  Republican.  We had a signed picture of Congressman Jim Hansen in our house in Panguitch growing up.  I'm not sure what my mom did for his campaigns, but I felt like good Mormons were supposed to be Republicans.  I remember asking/accusing our family friend Mary Harris of being a Democrat, like there was something evil about affiliating yourself with such a party. I never thought much about politics in High School (Bill Clinton era), but once I started attending the University of Utah . . . hoooo doggy.  The U is a very liberal school, though it is large enough for quite a lot of diversity.  As a science major, I felt like anyone who was cool or smart or thoughtful had to be a Democrat.  I wanted to feel like part of that, and as a bit of a rebel, I decided I was, too.  For a very brief period, I declared myself as a Political Science major, but once I took some of the classes, I realized how much I hate arguing and finger pointing.  I will admit to voting for Gore in 2000 (in the primaries, before I left on my mission).  Because of this, my mother still calls me a "Raging Democrat." Now that I am in my 30's, I can see both sides.  This infographic is very helpful in the current definition of Democrat and Republican.

 

I find myself on both sides of the political spectrum; I don't think it's wise to be all one way or the other, and neither side is better than the other.  I also think that both the Democratic and Republican parties are corrupt.  Honestly, I don't trust anyone in the Federal government; I think they all have hidden agendas and are in bed with lobbyists and are out of touch with reality.  I cannot, in good conscience, affiliate myself with any political party. I have plenty of friends, many of whom are very intelligent and educated people, who are very Democratic.  I respect them, and their opinions.  They encourage me to question what I believe politically, which I think is a good thing. That being said, I do tend to lean slightly to the right.  My ballot consists of more Republicans than Democrats, but I try to consider each individual and his or her qualifications, and I try to vote accordingly. I will admit to listening to unfortunate amounts of talk radio lately.  I'll blame it on the move, since significant amount of time was spent cleaning the old apartment with the radio on, and since I had to drive Allen's car several times.  Anyway, what they (Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, etc.) said made sense to me.  They were so positive about Romney winning the presidential election, and so very negative about the future of President Obama's "regime."  I voted for Mitt Romney, and he lost.  I was scrubbed in a procurement for most of the evening, so when I found out, it was pretty depressing Well . . . after having been in a pretty dark mood for the past couple of days (and realizing that yes, I do still need to take my antidepressants), I'm starting to get over it.  I'm not entirely sure the voting machines weren't tampered with, I hate the electoral college, and I do think Obama makes a better rockstar than a president.  I am afraid for our country.  I don't think the future is bright, and I'm astounded that more people didn't see through the president's façade.  We saw some of his true colors during the debates and on the campaign trail, when he came across as arrogant and malicious.  Oh, he can turn on the charm and be likable when he wants to.  He can be very inspiring when he's reading from a teleprompter.  But I don't believe he has America's best interests at heart.





I want to like President Obama.  I want to think that America will be in better shape come 2016, but I just can't believe it.  I also think that the truth behind the Bengazi attacks will change this presidency significantly.  Can I go back to ignoring Washington?  I truly thought that a Romney presidency would change things for the better, with him balancing the budget and bringing back the economy and fighting for a stronger United States.  I think the economy is headed for a serious depression, and no "government bailout" will stave it off. And if the U.S. economy tanks, the world's economy will tank, and then things will get really ugly.

My outlook is not bright.  I only see myself working harder, bringing home less, and trying to be self-sufficient when it's getting more and more difficult to pay the bills.  And then I remember how little I see Benji already, how much of his childhood I am missing just trying to be a contributing member of society and to earn enough money to keep this family afloat.  It sucks.  I need to get over it and move on, if not for Benji then for the sake of my own sanity.  In any case, I'm glad the election is over.  The endless arguing and one-upping and finger-pointing drives me batty.

"I don't know, I don't know which side I'm on.
I don't know my right from left or my right from wrong."
--U2

The Old Apartment

I have had a lot on my mind lately, but not a lot of time to write about it.  I menltioned it earlier, but that's about as far as I got.  Well . . . we have moved.  It was an ordeal.  The whole month of October pretty much sucked.  A lot of people told me they would rather move across country than across town.  I understand why.  Our apartment was so small that we kind-of had to take it a load at a time, just to have someplace to put the stuff.  I can't tell you how many times I drove back and forth.  My car is still not back to normal.

{By the way . . . I'm watching "Night At The Roxbury" right now, and it's so funny I'm having a hard time concentrating long enough to write something!  "Steve, don't hit on the bridesmaid.  It's your wedding!"  I need some Fluffi Whip!}

We are mostly moved in now.  It's down to unpacking and organizing, which isn't very easy.  There's definitely more room here at the house, but we need furniture and shelving.  We ended up tossing most of the furniture, because it was old, in VERY rough shape, and some of it was even moldy (thanks to the awesome swamp cooler).  So, as of now, our seating options consist of a rocking chair.  Yeah.  It's less than convenient; especially with nothing in the kitchen.  I did go to the D.I. today (we have made plenty of trips there as well; I got rid of at least 20% of my wardrobe, and I still have too many clothes!) and I bought a chaise lounge for $20.  It's in decent shape, but pretty dirty.  Good thing we have a steam cleaner, eh?  We also need to get the couches from Logan; I don't know how or when that is going to happen.  Renting a truck will cost at least $100, and now Allen tells me that our former landlord is charging us $1200 to replace the carpet in the apartment.  I'm so pissed about that!  We have got to find that contract; it is lost somewhere in the paper shuffle of the move.  I tried so hard to get organized before we left.  It's just an ongoing process, but seriously--isn't that what a deposit is for?  Isn't carpet replacement par-for-the-course when you own apartments?  It's unbelievable that he wants to charge us $1200 on top of our $400 deposit (which we obviously won't get back).  AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

So most of October was spent moving.  It wasn't pretty, and it REALLY wasn't very fun.  We had a little bit of help from ward members and from Allen's friend Aaron, but we did most of it ourselves.  Honestly, I never want to move again.  Sure, someday I'd like a bigger house (preferably one with a master bath), but it was horrible.  I'm glad it's done.  I actually like organizing and putting things back together; I just wish I had more money to purchase shelves and blinds and such.  Why does it all come back to money?  Gah.

Even Halloween sucked.  I woke up at 3:30a.m. (just as Allen was leaving to go to work) to the sweet sound of Benji projectile vomiting.  I knew he couldn't go to school, and I also knew that I had to get a lot done, and I was scheduled for a 12-hour shift.  So I ended up calling in sick, and we spent the entire day at the apartment cleaning.  One good thing about having a child who doesn't voice an opinion on what we do is that he doesn't voice an opinion on what we do.  He didn't care that he didn't go trick-or-treating.  He didn't care that all we ate that day was pizza from Costco.  Yes, I felt like I had flunked-out of Motherhood 101 because I had to do so much cleaning at the old apartment, I didn't dress Benji up or take him trick-or-treating, and I put off so much until the very last day of the month.  But . . . Benji didn't care.  Sometimes Autism can work to your advantage.  Most of the time it sucks, and it leaves me depressed and frustrated, but sometimes it can be helpful.

There are a lot of things I'd like to write about, but I need to go to bed.  Benji has to be on the bus at 7:05a.m., and I have to work tomorrow.  I'd also like to get the curtains up in the living room, clean out my car, and pick up the chaise before I go to work at 11.  I'm glad I voted early, because there's no way I could do that tomorrow, too.  Can I just say how glad I am the election will be over tomorrow?  I hate the landscape (and airwaves) littered with political paraphernalia.  All the arguing about who is right and who is better and who did what angers me and wears me out mentally.  It's too much.  I have been listening to more talk radio lately, which I usually try to avoid.  I do think the whole Bengazi cover-up will turn into something big, and I'm angry that the administration has kept it mostly under wraps because of the election.  There is so much lying and bitterness and, while I'm glad people are getting worked up about the election, I'm afraid they are getting worked up over the wrong things.  For me, it's all about the economy.  That's what affects me every day.  Even the prices of stuff at the D.I. (the thrift store) seem to have gone up.  I can't believe I paid $3 for a used muffin tin!  The chaise was a pretty good deal, but they wanted $25 for shelves that you can buy new for $30.  I voted for Romney because I think he has a better way to get the economy back on-track.  Obama has had four years to try, and I don't think my family (or this country) can afford four more years of his policies.  I am blessed to have a full-time job, I am blessed to have a working car, I am incredibly grateful that Benji has a scholarship to Pingree, and I am very lucky to be in a house now.  It's how we can afford everything else that worries me.  Money.  Ugh.  I would like it better if I had more of it, I'm sure.

I'm So Tired of Trying

**Caution: this post is going to be negative.  If you don't want to read it, that's fine.  You were warned.

Let's start with yesterday.  It was a lovely day--beautiful weather (in the 80's), I got to spend the morning playing tourist with my dear friend and former Zone Leader Sam Aubin, who is visiting from Germany.  I learned several new things about Temple Square, we went to lunch @ The Pie near the U, and I felt like I looked pretty nice (makeup, clothing, etc.--I was actually put-together).  I went up to Benji's school afterward and had a little chat with his teachers.  He is doing very well; he understands more than I give him credit for, and they don't let him get away with things like we do.  I need to work on that, and I need to make a communication book.  There are supposed to be some cool tools like that on iPads, which he would love, but which we definitely cannot afford right now.  :o(

So I was feeling pretty good when we left school.  I decided to take Benji to a park to let him play for a little while.  I took him to the potty before we did anything.  He went #1, then he played on the structure, and although I was a little sleepy, I thought I was keeping a fairly good eye on him.  That was, until I heard some kid say, "It smells like poo."  Having heard that, I got up and went for a closer look.  Yep--he was finger painting.  I took him back to the car, stripped him down and wiped him off the best I could, then put a towel on the carseat and strapped him in.  Then I had to take some wipes back to the playground to clean up his mess.  Thankfully there wasn't too much, but I was seriously annoyed.

I took him home and put him in the shower.  Later that afternoon, he had a meltdown--inconsolable crying and kicking and thrashing, which is one thing with a two-year-old, but is something else when you have a 55+ pound, very strong four-year-old hitting you.  This went on for about 20 minutes, making me wonder if he was in pain, because he can't tell us what's going on.  Then he stopped, and he was fine.  I don't get it.  I hope you parents out there can appreciate your child being able to tell you why he or she is crying, BECAUSE IT SUCKS WHEN HE CAN'T.  You feel totally helpless.

Then, Allen told me that the loan for the house has gone through and they are signing the papers THIS Thursday instead of next Thursday.  I said, "But I have to work," and he said, "You don't have to be there."  Okay . . . I understand that my name is not on the loan, but I thought it was going to be on the house.  Am I wrong to be pissed about this?  Buying a house is kind-of a big deal, and I would like to be there.  Apparently, Allen doesn't think it's important that I am.  And to me, that's just more proof that he doesn't care.  This house would be the ONLY thing he has done (on his own) to take care of Benji and me if anything should happen to him.  He doesn't have life insurance, he doesn't have a 401K, he doesn't have a will.  I, on the other hand, do have life (and health) insurance on him, on me, and on Benji.  I shell out for it every paycheck.  I have a 401K.  There's not a ton of money there, but enough to get him by for a few months, at least.  I am trying to prepare for the future financially, and I personally paid $1,000 in earnest money as part of our down payment (my dad helped with the rest--he is such a wonderful man).  But I don't have to be there.  Yeah.

Oh--and back to last Saturday.  He got up at 4:30am to go hunting with his friend Aaron.  Last week was incredibly busy for me, and I had to volunteer @ the Hilltop sale on Saturday morning, so Benji had to go to the Lake's house.  Whatever--they are great with Benji, and he likes going there.  Allen got back in time for me to go the the Relief Society General Meeting with Lexy and Desi, but as soon as I got home, Allen went to bed (leaving the house a disaster, as usual).  So I got to put Benji to bed, then clean, then go to work at 11pm.  I worked all night, and it was a really crappy shift that felt like it would never end.  I got home around 7:30am Sunday morning, and Benji was awake in his room (having wet the bed, totally soaked) and Allen was still asleep.  So I got Benji up and put him in the shower, and Allen appeared.  I was in a really bad mood, so he asked me what was wrong.  I told him I needed to sleep, and he asked, "Why didn't you get any sleep?"  Seriously?  Yes, I stay up late sometimes (which many times includes cleaning, like 1+1/2 hours worth tonight), but I pick up extra shifts, and I get home late.  Anyway, I slept for a couple of hours, but I was woken up by a call from my Visiting Teaching Supervisor, who asked me if I had done my VT for the month.  Nope.  She told me I could probably call them that day, but I told her it wasn't going to happen.  I sure love that guilt-trip every month, reminding me of what a slacker I am.

Then we went to Logan for the afternoon on Sunday (that's another post).  Allen wanted me to drive, since he was having allergy problems because of some mosquito bites he got while he was out hunting.  Um, no.  I was utterly exhausted from working all night, so I told him he needed to drive up, and I would drive back.  That worked okay, but I know I almost fell asleep while driving.  We got home around 9:30pm on Sunday, then I had to work 12 hours on Monday.  At least Tuesday morning was nice.

Then today I had to work another 12.  I also volunteered to bring a side dish to Katie's Bridal Shower at work.  I got Benji up and took him to the bathroom, but he wouldn't go.  I waited for around 10 minutes for him to finally go, but he never did.  So I got him dressed and ready and realized we would totally miss his bus. I had to drive him up to the school, but we were too early.  So we stopped at Smith's to get the stuff for the Cranberry salad I was going to make.  Then I took him to school and came home to make the salad.  It took me a good 90 minutes to make this salad (enough to cut into my primping time, so I look really rough today), and I brought it to work with me at 11am.  When I finally got to sit down for a few minutes (around 2pm), basically no one had eaten it.  It really sucks when all of your efforts are wasted.  Then at 3pm I was put in Dr. Zempoloch's room.  She is usually very nice, but I couldn't do anything right there, either.  So I was in a less-than-talkative mood.  People kept asking me if I was okay, but seriously--can't I just have an "off" day?  Do I have to be perky all the time?  Plus, I'm feeling the guilt for not scrubbing Liver transplants.  I think they did 3 in the last week, and I was asked by several people if I do scrub them.  I did, but that was one of the major reasons why I left IMC in 2010.  I was totally burned out from taking all of the implant call and doing them all the time.  I like my job, and I don't want to become that person again by growing to resent it, but should that be priority over the hospital's needs?  I'm sure I could scrub one if I had to; I just don't want to.  And yes, that makes me feel like a slacker, too.

I'm just really down on myself today.  I'm tired and poor and unwanted and ugly and nothing more than a housekeeper, babysitter and source of income for my husband.  We are together out of convenience: that's pretty much the only reason why we are still together.  It's certainly not because we are on the same team, because we are not.  We think very differently, and he hardly thinks of me at all.  I'm certainly not his first priority, and he isn't mine, either.  We don't make each other happy; we don't even really like spending time together.  Allen does what he does and expects me to be fine with it.  I guess I do the same.  I just wish he thought enough about how I feel to make sure I could be there at the signing.  Yes, I told him I wasn't happy about it, but that doesn't matter.  Nothing I do really matters.  I just work here.

California 37 Took Me Right To Heaven's Door

I need to write about the AWESOME concert I went to last week: TRAIN!!  *sigh*  I love these guys.  I'll admit--I like their older music a little better than their newer stuff, but it was a really fun concert.  When I got the e-mail announcing that they were coming to the Gallivan Center in Salt Lake City, I went online as soon as I could to get my ticket, and--lo, and behold--they had VIP packages available, which included a meet and greet with the band.  Um, YES.  So I bought the "Gold Package," and it was worth every penny.

Jimmy Stafford, Me, Pat Monahan and Scott Underwood

The meet & greet lasted only a few seconds.  I probably could have taken a couple of minutes to talk to them, but I was so star struck that I just had nothing to say, except that it was an honor to meet them.  I was a little surprised that they were all taller than me; I expected them to be shorter.  That was a pleasant surprise.  They also had a professional photographer to take pictures, and I downloaded this from the Save Me, San Francisco website.  I also got a "commemorative" lanyard (not a backstage pass, but cool nonetheless) and a signed poster.  Then, since we had early entry, we got to wait next to the stage and scoot right up against the barriers before the gates even opened.  Good times.

I loved the covers they did.  They made some great segues from, "You can't always get what you want, But if you try sometimes, you just might find You get what you need . . ." into "I need a sign, to let me know you're here" (Calling All Angels).  And at the end of "Hey, Soul Sister" where they say "I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight . . ." they went into the chorus of "We Are Young": "Tonight, we are young, so let's set the world on fire, we can burn brighter than the sun."  It was awesome, and it was so natural.  Everyone kept right on singing.  So cool.

I wish I had a setlist, but alas--I do not.  This is a setlist from Red Rocks, where they performed the day before.  I'm pretty sure it was the same.

50 Ways To Say Goodbye 

This'll Be My Year 

If It's Love 

Meet Virginia 

I Got You 

Free / Respect / She's on Fire / Get to Me / When I Look to the Sky / Ordinary / For Me, It's You 

(Medley)

Calling All Angels (with Rolling Stones cover, "You Can't Always Get What You Want")

Save Me, San Francisco 

Mermaid 

Bruises 

Marry Me 

Everyday People (Sly & The Family Stone cover)

Drum Solo 

Hey, Soul Sister (fun. cover, "We Are Young")

Drive By 

Encore:

California 37 

Drops of Jupiter 

Sing Together 

I wish I had my camera, but I didn't have that, either.  The phone on my camera SUCKS.  It took one picture, and refused to take any more for the rest of the night.  I made friends with a couple who had iPhones, and they are supposed to e-mail me some pictures, but they haven't done that, either.  There was a gal from one of the local radio stations who had a nice camera and supposedly took some good pictures, but they aren't up on the website yet, either.  So there's not much to show you, but I was right up front--against the barrier, and it was awesome.  Some shorter people behind me were a little uptight that we wouldn't let them in front of us, but I kinda paid a lot of money for that privilege, and I'm kinda mean.  So I didn't give up my spot.  Sorry kids!

They had two opening acts: Andy Grammer and Mat Kearney.  I didn't know any of Andy Grammer's music at all, but he's adorable!  He sang, "Keep Your Head Up," "Fine By Me," "Ladies" (a super-sweet song dedicated to his mom), and he did a great cover of Rihanna's "We Found Love."  Here's a YouTube video of this song.  It's pretty fantastic.



Mat Kearney was awesome, too.  He's very talented (and yes, I was close enough to see his freckles!).  I know a few of his songs: he sang "Nothing Left to Lose," "Undeniable, "Count On Me," "Ships in the Night," "All I Have," and Mat also did a cover of Bruce Springsteen's "Dancing in the Dark."  So great.  He also sang "Closer to Love."  Here's a video of that song.





Here's a link to a video of Train's latest single.  It's a fun song, and the video is hilarious.  I tried embedding it, but I'm having technical difficulties.

http://youtu.be/GSBFehvLJDc

This is the best shot I got all night, using Allen's little camera.

So anyway, they aren't the greatest band ever (I don't think anyone will replace U2 in my not-so-humble opinion, and I think I'll keep the current rankings with Keane at #2, but Train is a solid #3), and the concert wasn't life changing, but it was awesome.  I loved it.  I danced, I sang my little heart out, I bought a t-shirt and I left a very happy woman.  The Gallivan Center is a great venue--parking is easy, it's pretty intimate, and the location is great.  I loved being so close to the bands.  They signed a ton of autographs, brought people on-stage to help sing certain songs ("Mermaid," "Bruises," etc.), they threw out t-shirts and beach balls.  They brought along an awesome trumpeter (Brian Switzer), they had a real piano on stage, two gorgeous black back-up singers, they had a couple get married on stage and another in the audience get engaged to "Marry Me," and Pat even broke out the sax for a bit.  And at the very end, they gave away a signed guitar to a girl in a wheelchair.  They are such sweethearts!  What a great night!

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Change is in the air!  One thing I truly love about living in Utah is the changing of the seasons.  Each season has a distinct personality, and I love seeing nature's transformations.  It was a LONG, HOT summer, and it was a good one, but I'm very glad autumn is finally on it's way.  The colors of the trees are beautiful at the moment.  Spring is my favorite season, but Fall is a very close second.  I love it.

I do need to write about a few things, now that September is nearly over.  It has been a busy month, though now that "birthday season" is winding down, I feel less guilty about not documenting them.  I hope I didn't miss anyone, though I probably did.  Here are links to the albums for Noah's 5th birthday party ("Puss in Boots" theme), and for Tessa's 4th birthday party ("Barbie" theme).  Both were lots of fun, and Lexy and Rachael did phenomenal jobs putting them together, especially considering their extraordinary circumstances.  Mach had carpal tunnel release on her left (dominant) hand just a few days ago, and Lex just has a lot going on.  Bravo, ladies. 

I love this little tradition of the Niusulu family: we always take a picture of Rachael and Seuao giving the birthday girl kisses on the cheek.  It's so cute.  (Click on the picture for a link to the online album).

I helped out a little bit by making silhouettes (using GIMP) for each of the birthday guests.  It has been a learning process, but I really like the way Benji's turned out.

Kinda fun.  Anyway . . .

Back to Noah's party.  For months and months it was going to be an "Angry Birds" party, but a couple of weeks before, he decided he wanted to go with Puss in Boots.  More power to you, kiddo.  It was fun.  He may hate me someday for getting this picture, but I have so many fantastic ones of that photogenic child that one candle-blowing shot is okay.

Did I write about Dave's big 30th luau?  I don't think so.  He turned 30 on August 27th, and they had a big party on Labor Day weekend.  And boy--it decided to rain.  A LOT.  It was pretty epic.  In the album, there are a lot of pictures of people, but they are all interspersed with shots of the sky and the gathering clouds.  Kinda funny.  But there were some awesome rainbows to be seen afterward.  I love this picture of Dave, Lexy and Zeke.

Come to think of it, I don't think I wrote about Sabrina's birthday either.  We all went to Bear Lake that day, which was fun.  I don't know what it is; maybe it was getting over the "terrible twos," but Sabrina has just become the cutest stinking little fern.  Every time I see her she is just happy and hilarious and sweet.  This picture of Sabrina checking out the nailpolish she received for her birthday . . . it just cracks me up.  The look on her face is priceless.

And here's from the North Shore @ Bear Lake back in August.  The Sortor Girls are just amazing in the water--they went swimming almost every day this summer, and it shows!

Sabrina & Ella splashing in Bear Lake

Mia the Mermaid!

And here's one of all the kiddos.  I hope this will be a yearly tradition!  Yes, it shows my weakness as a photographer, because I don't know how to keep the background from becoming so overexposed.  Oh well--this one was the best of the pictures I took (Benji is actually looking up!).

L-R: Zeke (1), Lily (5), Noah (4), Benji (4), Tessa (3), Phoebe (3), Sabrina (3), Mia (4), Ella (8)

Oh, gads.  I still haven't blogged about the Bryant Family Reunion in Yosemite.  Or finished the Cruise, for that matter.  *sigh*  I don't know if I'll ever catch up.  Well, writing about it may or may not happen.  At least I have gotten this far (and at least I'm feeling well enough to do something)!

Turn and Face the Strange Ch-ch-changes

Riddle me this: why do I get sick at such inconvenient times?  I swear, I only get sick when my to-do list is unending, and thus have zero energy to accomplish any of it.  And I get further and further behind.  It was around September 6th when I started feeling really crappy; I left work early and sat on the couch all weekend (Grey's Anatomy marathon).  I tried to go back to work as scheduled the following Tuesday, but I didn't even make it four hours of my 12-hour shift.  I called in the next day too, and had the following Thursday off, in hopes of kicking it by then.  I had to go back to work on Friday, and while I did okay, I felt pretty miserable the whole time.  Saturday I felt a little better, and when I worked on Saturday night, I actually felt pretty good.  Yesterday (Sunday) I was very productive: I taught Relief Society, did several loads of laundry, two loads of dishes, made zucchini bread and a healthy dinner . . . and then I started feeling crappy again.  I guess I pushed it too hard.

I know I'm not supposed to run faster than I have strength, but I hate feeling sick.  I have too much to do to be running to the bathroom all the time.  Everything I eat goes straight through me (even pills come out the other end undigested, which I'm sure you wanted to know).  And as if being at war with the flora of my gut wasn't enough, I caught a cold at the same time.  I'm still coughing a little bit, but at least I have a voice now. 

And, all at the same time, we were house-hunting.  I had gone out with Marlene (our realtor) to see some houses, and I fell in love with one in particular.  By that evening, it was gone.  That was seriously depressing.  My #2 pick from that day was still available, so I wanted Allen to go look at it.  The Friday that I didn't leave the couch, he went to look at a few different houses.  He looked at the one I liked, but he hated it.  He found a house that he really liked, and he wanted to put an offer in on it before I had even seen it.  Seriously?  I made him wait until I saw it to submit an offer.  He did, and they counter-offered the next day, although they wanted another $500 in Earnest Money, with a 24-hour reply deadline.  He wanted to accept the counter then and there, but I needed some time to think about it (and to come to terms with the fact that I wouldn't be able to pay off my credit cards as planned).  I made him wait for at least 20 hours, because the whole thing was just moving so fast and my brain and body weren't in a good place.  How am I supposed to recognize what my gut says when it just feels sick and twisty?  I did pray about it, and my answer was to trust Allen.  I'm still not very happy with that answer; I'd rather know something for myself than rely on another person's opinion, even if that person is my husband.

So, um, I guess we bought a house.  My dad is helping us out with a down payment, and if everything goes through as anticipated, we will close on October 11.  It's still very surreal to me.  I wanted this, but I wanted to be a bit more involved in it, too.  Once Allen saw this house, he has done everything in his power to get it. It's all he talks about and thinks about.  He has been out to see it several times; I have only seen it once, and I wasn't feeling very well at the time.  I have mixed feelings about it, because of that.  Let's do some pros and cons.

Pro: It's a HOUSE, not an apartment.  Yay!
Con: It will definitely be more expensive (i.e., we'll be tightening our belts significantly)
Pro: The house was totally remodeled inside, and they did a nice job with it.
Con: The outside is very plain.  Zero personality.
Pro: We won't be surrounded by massive apartment complexes (much lower population density).
Con: The neighborhood is okay.  It's very middle-class in the West Valley/Kearns area.  A lot of the homes nearby need work.
Pro: It's on a cul-de-sac.
Con:  The backyard.  There is another cul-de-sac on the street behind the house, so from the backyard you can see about five other backyards from other peoples' homes.  Our yard is fenced in with chain-link, and there are no trees or anything to obscure this view.  Zero privacy.  I really don't like that, and I'm not terribly excited about forking out a bunch of money for a taller, vinyl fence.

And since I didn't have enough on my plate already, now we have to move.  And I have to figure out how we are going to furnish this place.  Our couches are NOT coming with us--they are in such horrible shape we can't even sell them.  They just need to go.  Plus, we have to clean up this apartment, which will be a nightmare.  Uggghhhh.  The next few weeks are going to be insane.  Again, I'm sorry for my lack of communication as of late.  I did publish a rant post I had left as a draft from August, but that's all I have for you for now.

She Works Hard For Her Money

*** This post was left as a draft back in August.  I'll just publish it as-is.

Today has been mentally and physically exhausting.  I'm at work, and it's 10:27pm.  I have mostly finished my Kronos training, but I also had to teach some orderlies.  Their stuff is different from ours (techs and nurses), so when they would ask questions, I would mostly say, "I don't know."  There is even an orderly "Super User" working tonight, but for some reason, she doesn't feel like she can teach other people.  The whole thing is a mess, it's confusing, and it's a lot of work.  And it's a pain in my you-know-what.  I can only do so much with the level to which I have been trained.

Speaking of training, the robot was a nightmare today.  The surgeon (let's call her Dr. P.) was in a terrible mood.  She was relying on her very inexperienced residents as her first assistants, and when they kept making mistakes, she would yell at them.  I felt bad for one young doctor, who was having a really hard time with spatial orientation in laparoscopy (a very difficult concept: imagine using a tool that you can only see on a monitor, but which moves in the opposite direction when you manipulate it, and having someone yelling at you and calling you a "retard" when you don't get it right). The rep was making things more complicated than they needed to be, the instruments she wanted weren't working or weren't sterile or weren't available, the patient was really bloody, and the circulators were inexperienced.  Cute Kristy had done some cross-training today, and those two cases made her the most experienced circulator available.  With all of the issues we had, it really wasn't fair to place that kind of responsibility on her.  Lacey (another scrub) and I have scrubbed plenty of robots, but neither of us are really familiar with circulator responsibilities.  And the rep (who is paid to know the equipment backwards and forwards, who is supposed to be able to answer all of our questions) was not helping.  She was trying to tell me what to do, at the same time the surgeon is giving me orders, and there was so much going on and so many things not working that everyone was frustrated.  Thank heavens for Doug (who had technically left for vacation already).  He came in to help us out and smooth things over.  I give him a lot of grief, but Doug really is a good guy.

Getting thrown into stuff you don't really know how to do is not an uncommon thing.  Actually, it happens a lot.  With many surgeries, you can draw on your previous experience and fake your way through it.  That's one reason why I like my job--I learn new things every day, and I get to use my brain to figure things out.  The robot really isn't like that.  I received a fair amount of training to scrub robotic cases, and I feel pretty comfortable doing most of them.  But there's only so much I can do without seeing the circulator side of things.  Reps (vendors who work for the companies of the products we use) are usually a great help, and they can be very knowledgeable.  Not this one.  We (nurses and techs) need more training on the robot, from someone who can actually answer our questions.

I want to be a good employee.  I want to prove myself as an invaluable part of the team.  I don't want to be a complainer or a tattle-tail; I want to help fix the situation.  First, the surgeon should have had a more experienced first-assistant (i.e., an attending physician, colleague, or someone who at least knows enough about the robot to be useful).  She also should have stepped back and calmed down, instead of yelling at everyone for things beyond their control.  Yes, a lot of things went wrong, and there's no one cause.  But verbal abuse is never called for, even if it is said 'jokingly.'  Secondly, the equipment needs to be ready and available.  Surgeons are notoriously impatient, so whenever we have to get something that isn't close by, they get even more wound-up.  Third, everyone needs more training.  Period.  Not just those who already do robots, and not just staff members who are willing to be trained.  It needs to be mandatory.  Until it is, and until our managers know how much we are struggling, days like this will be all too common.

I Am Spread Way Too Thin

It has been so long . . . I have so much on my plate and on my mind that I just haven't had time to get around to writing about it.  Here's a list of my thoughts (or mental to-do list), in no particular order:

• We are house-hunting, and I'd really like to move this month.  It's looking more and more like it won't happen that fast, which makes me sad because . . .
• My dear friend Sam (Elder Aubin, my Zone Leader from Liege), who lives in Germany, is coming to Utah in a few weeks to spend some time at BYU.  I wanted to have a little party/reunion/reception in his honor, at my home, and it's going to be a miracle if we can pull it off.
• I need to plan and organize this fete, but I'm still hoping we can get into a house!
• I'd like to go to the Brigham City Temple Open House (heaven only knows when I'll have the time, and it's being dedicated in a couple of weeks so there isn't much time left!)
• I need to get a temple recommend renewal so I can go to the dedication.
• I need to do my Visiting Teaching.
• I'm worried about Benji, who was sent home from school today with diarrhea.  He was sent home last week with a "suspicious rash" (which was just how his skin looks when he doesn't get lotioned).  Do I need to take him into a dermatologist to say what is normal and what isn't?  Why does he have diarrhea again?  
• I'm feeling guilty about how little I see my boy.  On the days he goes to school and when I'm working, I see him for a total of 45 minutes.  I get him up and dressed about 6:45am, feed him some breakfast and drive him to the bus stop.  I put him on the bus at 7:25am, and then I have to be to work at 11am.  When I get home at 11:30pm, he's already asleep.  It's depressing to be away from him so much.
• Allen is the one who takes care of him all afternoon, after having gotten up at 3:30am and working for 8 hours.  He puts him to bed and then goes to bed himself, and he can't be bothered to do any cleaning.  So when I get home at 11:30pm, the house is a disaster.  I usually spend a good 30 minutes cleaning (more when I have to do dishes), moving and folding laundry, putting the living room back together, etc.  It's pretty rare that I'm in bed before 2am.
• I'm going to be short on hours this week at work.  I was on-call all day Sunday and all day Monday, but I didn't have to go in.  And I'll have to stay home for part of my shift tomorrow, so I'll only have 20 hours for the week.  I have some PTO to fall back on, but I'd rather not use it all.
• I got my hair done yesterday; I went to Paul Mitchell, The School, in Holladay.  A co-worker is in school there, so I had her do my hair.  She did a pretty good job, but it took more than four hours.  I did have a Groupon, so I only paid $25 for a full highlight, and I didn't have any change, so I gave her a $20 for a tip ($45 total, plus the investment of time!).  That's the most I've ever given anyone for a tip (for anything), and although she did well, I hope she doesn't expect me to a) come back to her every time I need my hair done, and b) give her that big of a tip every time I see her.  If I had more $ coming in, I'd be happy to tip more, but for my income, that's a lot.  I may have put myself in a difficult situation.
• I need to catch up on my blogs
• I need to start packing
• I want to go to the State Fair, but I'm doubtful anyone will go with me
• I need to find a gift for Noah's birthday
• I need to start working on Christmas gifts
• I need to go back to school
• I need to get my national Surgical Tech certification
• I should probably become a CPR instructor, if I want to get into nursing school
• It would be a lot easier for me to go into teaching than it would to become a nurse (ironically)
• If I did go into teaching, I could probably spend more time with Benji.
• I need to convince Allen to go to school
• I wonder if I will ever get pregnant again
• I need to pay my bills
• I should cut up my credit cards
• I want to get real family photos this year; we haven't done that since Benji was an infant
• I need to figure out what is going on with my right foot (why does it swell so much more than my left?)
• I should exercise more
• I should get my bike fixed up so I can actually ride it
• I need to join Weight Watchers, like I told Dr. Witbeck I would
• I need to return my videos to the library (have you seen "Midnight in Paris"?  It's utterly fabuleux, and it makes me homesick for France.
• I want to catch up on my shows: Grey's Anatomy has new episodes on Netflix; I have purchased Glee (Season 3) but have yet to watch it, and I want to get Hulu+ so I can watch the new episodes of Breaking Bad and How I Met Your Mother.  I don't have time for any of it, but I really want to see them!!!
• I need a new vacuum.
• When (not if) we move, we need to transport the couches from Mom & Dad's garage to our new place, and they really need to be cleaned.  Do I need to get roof racks on my car?
• I definitely need to take Sylvano in for an oil change and tire rotation.  SOON.
• I need to go through Benji's clothes to take inventory for what I need to get for him during the upcoming consignment sale.
• I should sell and/or get rid of the rest, because who knows if I'll ever have another baby. 
• I need to figure out something to make for Peggy's Pinterest Party.
• I should give up the Diet Coke.
• I should go back to being a vegetarian.
• I hope nothing big happens before the end of the year (medically), so I can get LASIK!
• I need to read the scriptures
• I need to upload and edit my pictures
• I really want an iPad
• I can't believe it's September already . . . where has this year gone?
• I have to start getting my lesson ready for next week, because I (unwittingly) agreed to play the piano for the Dominguez Park Branch for the entire month of September; I thought it was a one-time, one-hour commitment, but it turns out it's a two-hour commitment every week.  At least we have Stake Conference this weekend and the Brigham City Temple Dedication on the 23rd, so I only have to do it three times.  Unfortunately, I am working every Saturday night before I have to play, and it starts at 10am.  So the 16th is really going to suck--I have Noah's birthday party on Saturday the 15th, I have to work 11pm-7am, I have to play the piano at the Branch from 10-noon, and I have to teach Relief Society at 3pm. 

That's all I can think of for now.  I've got a lot going on, and I'm just exhausted from everything.  So I'm sorry my blog has suffered.  Now I have to go set up for a leg fracture with Larky.  Good times . . .

She Was Making Other Plans

I know I have been MIA for a while.  I also know that I should be catching up on life events, rather than writing about stuff that only matters to me.  I guess that if you are actually reading (all two of you . . .), then maybe you do care about what I think is important.  So I guess I will keep writing.

I will catch up eventually; we got back from my family reunion in Yosemite National Park about 10 days ago, and I have been working a ton and I have been super busy with birthdays and such.  Also, I have been designated a "Super-User" for the Kronos WorkForce Services implementation at work (it sounds much more glamorous than it is, believe me), so I have had to sit down with about 20 different people and teach them how to use this new system.  Each session with a co-worker takes 30-45 minutes, and they did not allow for any overtime to get it done.  It has been a major project, trying to do my normal job and this training stuff when there is time, and when I happen to be scheduled at the same time as all of the people on my list.  And no, I'm not getting any compensation for it; I wasn't even asked if I wanted to do it (though I probably would have said yes).  I was walking into work one day and I was told that I had to go to this training, so I could teach other people.  Whatever.  It has been fine, just more to load onto my plate . . . because it wasn't full enough already.

Another reason why I haven't done more event-based blogging is because of the picture situation.  I love taking pictures of family events and I love creating beautiful photographs.  But it is a double-edged sword.  I want all of my pictures to look nice.  I don't want to upload unedited photos, even if it's just cropping and fixing exposure.  It bugs me when I don't do it, and considering the sheer numbers of photos I take, sorting through them all, finding and editing the best of them, uploading them, writing about them . . . it's a little overwhelming.  With my nieces' and nephews' birthdays, it's pretty much all I can do to 1) take the pictures and 2) upload them onto my picasa albums.  It's especially difficult during the summer, because once I'm done with one event, the next one is just around the corner.  So, folks, I'm sorry you don't get more pictures and stories.  I will try.

Okay, fine.  Here's a list of album links, in case you are interested (and in case I forgot to e-mail the links to you).

Ella's Birthday (8th Birthday Party on May 17, 2012)
Zekey's Birthday (1st Birthday Party on May 26, 2012)
Phoebe's Birthday (3rd Birthday Party on June 23, 2012)
Lily's Birthday (5th Birthday Party on June 30, 2012)
Day @ Hogle Zoo with Mach & Lex (July 19, 2012)
Family Reunion* (July 2012) *Warning!  Mostly unedited album, also including random pictures from vaycay!

Oh, what the heck.  Here are the links to Easter 2012 and Mother's Day 2012.  These kids are growing up so fast!  Of course there are lots of Benji pictures in each album, 1) because the boy is so stinkin' cute, and 2) because you never know when you'll get a really good one.  I actually found some great ones from last April that I had totally forgotten about.  And yes, between typing this sentence and the previous one, I had to  take 10 minutes to locate and edit this picture.  I got ones with better smiles, but they were out of focus.  Even so, this was worth it.

FYI, the shirt he was wearing in this picture is now permanently covered in stains from who-knows-what.  I have washed it at least 20 times trying to get it wearable again, all to no avail.  Gah!

This post turned out nothing like what I expected, but I guess that's the way life goes.  "Well you were happy where you were, but that girl, she reeled you in."  (Keane, Neon River).