Name Them One By One

To add to the list of my rejections, here's another one: many (I dare say most) of my Facebook friends were tagged with a number, and they had to write a status containing that number of things people didn't know about them.  Apparently no one wanted to know anything about me, even though I liked and commented on many people's lists.  It shouldn't bug me, nor should the fact that I'm cutting my Thanksgiving holiday short to cover a shift for someone who is going out of town, but when she covered a few hours for me on Monday, and she found out where I went, my excuse wasn't good enough for her.  Seriously?  What I do with my time is none of your beeswax, missy.  Try requesting the time off before the deadline like the rest of us, and don't expect my help again any time soon with an attitude like that. 

But--it is now early morning on Thanksgiving.  I have not been participating in the 'grateful' game on Facebook (which was going strong in the beginning of November, but has tapered off significantly).  I really do try to be grateful--I try to thank all of the people who help me in the O.R., especially the orderlies who work so hard.  I'm less thankful at home, because Allen and I rarely see each other, and (although I shouldn't) I don't often give thanks because I don't often get thanks.  I have to remind Allen of the things I do to get a thank you out of him, and that gets old.

Okay--enough complaining.  It's time to count my blessings (and maybe you'll learn something about me).  C'mon, Mary.  It's freaking Thanksgiving!  (These are in random order.)

1.  I'm grateful for my car.  It needs repairs, and it drives me crazy when Benji kicks open the center console (which he does CONSTANTLY), but it is pretty reliable, fun to drive, and has an awesome sound system.  Plus, it's pretty cute.

2.  I'm grateful for our house--especially for my craft room/office.  It's MY space--it has so many of my favourite things in it, and it's nice to have a place of my own.

3.  I am grateful for 4-H.  I learned so many life skills (especially cooking!) in those little meetings in Panguitch.  It was a very good thing.

4.  I'm grateful for Doctor Who.  Yes, it's cheesy, and super-nerdy, but I LOVE IT.  I drove to Logan with my friend Lorraine on Saturday to watch "The Day of the Doctor" at Rachael's house, and I saw it again at the Cinemark in Jordan Landing on Monday night.  I love that it brings so many people together, who might not otherwise know each other.  For example, I have worked with Lorraine for years, but I never really got to know her until I found out she was a Whovian.  And she is awesome.  Yes, she is a little crazy, but she's really a great person.

5.  I am grateful for my musical training (thanks, Mom & Dad!).  I spent several years taking piano lessons and cello lessons and bass lessons, and I played in the orchestra all through High School.  I learned how to love and appreciate music, to read it and understand it.  I would like to take singing lessons at some point, since one item on my bucket list is to be in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, but . . . I have other priorities at the moment.  

6.  I am grateful for my family.  We are going through a rough patch right now, but they truly are my favorite people.  I am extremely blessed to have such wonderful people in my tribe.

7.  I am grateful for my happy childhood.  For a long time, I thought my parents were mean, or didn't care about me.  Of course, now that I'm a parent, I'm in awe of how they raised all six of us with what we needed.  I had a lot of freedom, because they knew they could trust me.  I wasn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I wasn't smothered or shamed--I was encouraged to work hard and that good grades were their own reward.  

8.  I am grateful for my job.  Some things (and some people) drive me nuts, but all in all--I enjoy it.  I like to help patients, to talk with highly educated people on a daily basis, to learn new things, and to get a paycheck.  I wish I didn't have to work full-time, but there are a lot of people out there who wish they could.

9.  I am grateful for my insurance, and that my premiums only went up $3/paycheck.  We have a high-deductible plan ($3,000 deductible/$6,000 out-of-pocket max), and it makes me a little nervous.  It has been okay this past year (no major catastrophes!), so we'll try it again.  Considering how much some people are having to pay for insurance (thanks to Obamacare), I feel very blessed.  I think Scott and Peggy are paying more per month in premiums than I am paying for an entire year, and for basically the same insurance.  Crazy.

10.  I am grateful for my ward.  There are a lot of great people in my neighborhood, and their testimonies help strengthen my own.  Some people see how much we struggle through church, and we have received some lovely notes of encouragement.  I got a call from a neighbor last week, who was just thinking about me.  It's very sweet, and I'm thankful for people who are able to see past my 'brave face.'

11.  I'm thankful for my senses--that I can see beautiful colors and faces, that I can smell the heavenly scents of Thanksgiving, that I can hear the Christmas carols on the radio, that I can touch the soft skin of my little boy, that I can taste all of the lovely dishes we will eat later today.  

12.  I'm thankful for my body, that I am able to walk and move freely, that my mind is able to comprehend the things I read, see and hear, and that I am able to communicate by so many methods. 

13.  I am thankful for my friends and extended family.  I know some truly amazing people. 

I was going to try to get to #28, since today is the 28th of November, but I'm really tired and I need to get up early to drive to Logan in time to get some pigs-in-a-blanket for breakfast.  SAVE ME SOME PIGGIES!

Count your blessings, name them one by one.  

Count your many blessings, see what God has done.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.  Make it a good one.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

I should be doing my education.  Or reading my book.  Or doing something more productive {like my education modules}, but I'm at work, it's 9:55pm, and we don't have any cases going right now.  Don't worry--I put in my time . . . working with Dr. Hill and Dr. Bishoff in one day {either I'm really unlucky or God is punishing me}.  I think it all balances out in the end; some days are insane and you don't get to sit at all, and others are kinda slow.  We have been relatively busy in the evenings lately, so I don't feel too bad about blogging while at work.

I haven't written much for a while, being busy with work and stuff.  Plus I have been sick for the past few weeks.  I'm getting better, but now Benji and Allen have it.  And Benji probably won't be able to go back to school until next week because of it, so we'll have to figure out babysitting and all of that.  It's such a pain; it makes me wonder if working the 12-hour shifts is worth it.  I really don't want to work five days per week {it would be 3pm-11pm}, but it may have to happen in the fall anyway, because of Benji's school situation {which we still know nothing about}.

I have been to a couple of concerts, though.  I went to see Phillip Phillips with Allison, Cameron and Dawson at UCCU.  It was okay; it seemed like more of a jam session than a concert.  He may be an
American Idol, but he only has one solid hit under his belt {"Home"} and another song playing on the radio {"Gone, Gone, Gone" which I love!}, but only one album.  Now, if you're new on the music scene, and have one album out, you should be expected to play the entire album, right?  He didn't.  He played a few of his songs, a few covers, and there was a lot of instrumental.  That may be fun for the musicians, but it doesn't keep the energy up at a concert.  Sorry!  He saved "Home" for last, and that was great--the energy was awesome.  And his encore was "Thriller" {a Michael Jackson cover . . . because nothing endears you to fans faster than playing other peoples' songs, right?}.  So he ended strong, but that was definitely not the best concert I have been to.  Churchill opened for him, and I actually liked them a lot.  Check out their video for the song "Change."  Good stuff, right there.

Phillip Phillips

I also went to see Train again last week.  The new {underwhelming} Microsoft store was opening at City Creek, and in order to get a crowd for the ribbon cutting, they had to bribe people with tickets to see Train.  Microsoft has been doing this with their other stores, with some pretty big names--Kelly Clarkson, Blake Shelton, etc.  I'm glad they had Train come here.  I got to the store about 8am to wait in line and I was still able to get an orange sparkly wristband {which got me into the "Meet and Greet"}.  I got another wristband, which was destined for Allison, until she found out the concert was at 2pm.  She was free in the evening, but couldn't make it in the afternoon.  Neither could any of the other people I asked, so . . . I went by myself.  Again.  I enjoyed it, because I like the band and I know many of their songs.  I wish I had gotten to the Gallivan Center earlier, to get a spot closer to the stage.  But, as it turned out, there were not a lot of people there.  It was fairly exclusive, so I still got to park underneath {one thing I LOVE about the Gallivan Center as a venue}, and I also got a standing spot on the cement.  None of my pictures turned out very well, and it was raining on and off the whole time.  But I did get funneled through the Microsoft Media Machine to get a picture taken with some random people {not enough time to get one of just me with the band, and personal photography was not allowed}.  I'm not particularly proud of this picture, but it was cool to see them again up close, even if it was for all of 20 seconds.  BTW--Scott the drummer {the blonde guy next to me} is pretty. dang. hot.  And yes, I hugged Pat Monahan.  Woo!

Me and some random people with Train at the Gallivan Center for Microsoft Store opening

As far as concerts go, it was pretty good.  For "Bruises," they had the cutest little 8-year-old girl sing the duet.  She knew all the words, and Pat was so great with her.  It was really nice that there weren't opening acts to sit through, they sounded great and it wasn't too hot.  I usually try to keep a list of songs played with my handy-dandy Evernote app, but I forgot to get it started right away.  I think I got most of the songs, though not necessarily in order.

50 Ways to Say Goodbye

I Got You

Don't Stop Believing {Journey cover}

Walk on the Wild Side {Lou Reed cover}

Meet Virginia

If It's Love

You Can't Always Get What You Want {Rolling Stones cover}/Calling All Angels

Save Me, San Francisco

Mermaid/Could You Be Loved {Bob Marley cover}

Bruises

Marry Me

Everyday People {Sly And The Family Stone cover}

Hey Soul Sister/We Are Young {fun. cover}

Drive By

Encore: Drops of Jupiter

Anyway, I'm glad I went--I really do like Train.  I feel guilty about it, though because my priorities are a little messed up.  I put the concert ahead of the needs of my family . . . sorry, Dave.  I'm a very selfish person.  I'm not proud of it, but it is what it is.

I guess I should have written this post for "Musical Monday."  Oh well. Right now I need to go to sleep so I can go volunteer at the Consignment Sale in the morning, and I need to figure out what I'm going to do with Benji since he's too sick to be in school, and I need to volunteer so I can go to the pre-sale tomorrow evening and buy clothes for said boy.  My life is a weather-worn map of twisting roads paved with good intentions. 

One Thing At A Time

I have every intention of writing more.  I want to write.  I need to write.  I have been so busy, working and cleaning and taking care of the house and planning birthday parties.  I  have been planning Benji's birthday party in my little brain for several months, but putting it all together is proving to be quite the process.  Once again, I'm very grateful for my Mom who is helping in all sorts of ways.  She is such an awesome Nanny!

So here I am at work, waiting for Stephanie {the evening charge nurse} to tell me what exactly I will be doing for the rest of the night.  It could be Ortho, it could be GYN, it could be a Kidney Transplant, it could be a General/Plastics case . . . there are a lot of what-ifs.  Whatever.  I'm fine with any of it, really, though the Kidney would be last on my list of preference.  I just don't love the Transplant surgeons.  They are all very high-maintenance and grumpy, and the one who isn't going through a divorce is practically impossible to understand {he's Japanese}.  I'l do it if she wants me to; I just hope she doesn't.

Hmm--what is today?  Thursday.  Ah--it's supposed to be "Thrifty Thursday."  I have found some great deals lately, and I have wanted to share them. 

First off: Shampoo.  I found myself in need, and I'm not super-duper picky about the brand I use.  I don't want to spend a lot of money on it, so I usually end up with some variety of Suave.  This time I was looking at "Herbal Essences" for some reason.  I had a some regular-sized bottles of shampoo and conditioner in my basket, and I think they were in the neighborhood of $2.99 each.  Then, I found an end-cap with some leftover holiday gift packs and what do I find?

Yes, friends, I found GIANT sized shampoo and conditioner, each with a free hairspray, for $3.50 each.  Yes, thank you!  A much better bargain!  Always check the end-caps, or the shelves on the ends of the rows where you shop.  Often times you can find clearance deals or combo packs that make your dollar stretch a little further.

Second: Winco.  I have said before how much I love Winco, but I'll repeat it.  They have some excellent deals on food.  For example: Allen and I took Benji there last week, and found some incredible prices.  They had boneless, skinless chicken breasts for $1.77/lb.  That's not a terrible price, so I went to pick some up.  Then, I saw--every package was half-price!  The sell-by date was the next day, so they were priced to move.  Since we have a Foodsaver {not one of these fancy ones; ours is white, but it does the job!}, we bought 5 packages; or around 20 lbs.  I don't know that I have ever seen boneless, skinless chicken breasts @ $0.89/lb, so we decided to stock up!  Allen separated them into smaller groupings, vaccuum-sealed them, and popped them in the freezer.  So now we have plenty of chicken that is ready to go!  Honestly, that should last us for several months.  Yay!  I do the same with ground beef.  One of our local grocery stores {Dan's} will mark down their meat a few times a week, to keep the rotation really fresh.  I'll usually go early on a Saturday morning and buy them out.  I can get 93% lean beef for $1.39/lb, which is an awesome deal.  I'll take it home and we'll divide them into one-pound packs, Foodsaver them and freeze them too.  Those will last several months as well.

Looks like I'm doing some GYN, baby.

* * * * * * * *

Um, it's now Wednesday.  I actually ended up working with Dr. K {my OB/Gyn} twice that night, and I ended up staying all night on-call.  I'll go ahead and post this, and wish you all a Happy Valentine's Day.  I'll write more when Benji's party is done.  One thing at a time, friends.  One thing at a time.

You Raise Me Up

I think "Work-It Wednesday" is going to be a bust.  Actually, I know it is, because it's 1:45am, and I have to be up in 4 hours to take Benji to the school bus, and I get to work another 12-hour shift tomorrow.  Yay!  Super exciting!

I will replace it with a short "What -I'm-Reading Wednesday," because I just finished a really good book.  I read "The Midwife of Venice" by Roberta Rich.  It's set in 1575, and it is about a young Jewish lady who is particularly gifted at midwifery.  Hannah is very poor, living in the Ghetto in Venice, when she is called upon to deliver a Christian baby to a very rich, noble family.  Her Rabbi forbids her to go, since this illegal action would bring shame and wrath upon all of the Jewish people in Venice.  She strikes a deal with the desperate father: she asks for an exorbitant sum of money {for her, anyway--what would take her years to earn} in order to free her husband from slavery.  He was taken captive in Malta, and the story alternates between the two settings.

The father agrees, and Hannah goes to the mansion under cover of night.  The mother has been laboring for several days, and is very week.  Her midwife is ready to use the "crochet" in order to save the mother's life, but Hannah steps in with her "birthing spoons" and is able to deliver a healthy baby boy, who will replace his father's indolent brothers as his heir.  The mother never quite recovers, and this will be her only child.

Hannah is paid, and all is well as she prepares to sail to Malta to retrieve her husband.  But one of the brothers finds Hannah's special instrument which she inadvertently left at the mansion.  He uses it to blackmail her with the threat of exposing her as a witch, with the price of his silence being all of the money his brother gave her.  They are to make this exchange when Hannah is invited to the mansion for a dinner a while later.  Through her wit, she is able to retrieve her spoons and keep the money.  On her way out, she decides to stop upstairs and see the handsome baby, only she finds the baby is missing.  She realizes that the other brother has taken the baby, so she follows him.  He leads her back to the Ghetto, and she begins to understand that he would frame her for the kidnapping and death of his nephew.

What must she do to save the child and her husband?  Wouldn't you like to know.  This was a very well-written novel, with some vivid description of life in the dark ages.  Rich writes about the plague, the smells, the rats, the slipperiness of the cobblestones at high tide, etc.  I love historical fiction.  I love being transported to another time and place, and realizing just how lucky I am to be living in this civilized world, where a Jewess would not be put to death for delivering the baby of a Christian; where we have sterile instruments and low infant mortality; where C-sections are routinely performed, saving the lives of mothers and children all over the world.

When she writes about the husband, who eking out a very meager living by writing contracts for people who can neither read nor write for themselves, it is very eye-opening.  I know there are many people who actually live like this today, with very little in the way of food or shelter, who work for pennies and starve in the streets.

I am a very selfish creature; I love to shop and I feel like I need {and deserve} more, when there are so many around me who have so little.  It is always good to keep one's advantages in perspective.

For example, I was on my way home from work tonight {around 11:30pm}, when I decided to leave the parking lot via an alternate route.  While driving this way, I saw a man in a wheelchair in one of the parking lots far from the main hospital.  I asked him if he needed some help, and he said he was trying to get to the emergency room.  He asked if it was beyond the Central Lab building {which it isn't}, so I knew he was lost.  I offered him a ride in my car and put his wheelchair in the back.  It wasn't a long distance, but for someone who is compromised and in pain, who has no use of their legs, and who is hopelessly turned around in the dark and cold {it was about 15 degrees outside}, it honestly could have been fatal.

I'm grateful I was prompted to drive in this direction, and I'm glad I was able to help this man.  I know that having a warm, working car is a luxury not afforded to many, and I'm pleased that I was able to use it to serve someone in need.

We are all given gifts: some {like Hannah} have special abilities; others have physical or spiritual gifts.   I pray we may all discover what they are and use them for good, to serve our fellow men and to lift each other up.

I Need a Little Fabulous

So . . . I just got LASIK.  In my right eye.  It is pretty fantastic, except that my vision is all screwed up, and I'm not supposed to wear a contact (singular!), and I thought that getting a clear plastic lens in my glasses would do the trick.  Uh, no.  I'm going to have to get new lenses in order to see over the next few weeks, after which I may dispose of said glasses.  No happy medium.  That's a little annoying.

I had it done on Friday afternoon, and that day pretty much sucked.  I also knew that I was on-call on Saturday, and the ferns down at Hoopes told me I wasn't supposed to drive or work until after my follow-up appointment on Saturday morning.  I tried to sleep that night, but ended up waking up every few hours to pee (and put in eye drops . . . the number of drops is unbelievable!!).  And then, at 6:30am, I get a call from my friend Gary: I had to go into work.  So, being very low on options at that point, I a) put a contact lens in my eye and b) drove myself to work.  I have been trying so hard to be a good patient!  I totally blew it on Saturday morning, though.  While driving, my head started pounding.  All of this messing with my vision has been giving me some killer headaches, which is getting really old.  I got into work, walked up to the desk, and Marilyn said, "Welcome.  You'll be doing a pelvis fracture in room 19 with Dr. Hillyard."  Well, that's not the worst thing in the world, but I just knew I wasn't going to be able to make it.  I told her I wasn't feeling well, so she called in a nurse to take my place.  I did try to get it all set up for her, which was just lovely as well.  Mind you, many regular cases need 1 or 2 sets of instruments; Ortho cases tend to take 5-9 sets.  Pelivs fractures with Hillyard?  I opened at least 15 sets, and I'm not sure I even had everything I needed.  Seriously.  Dr. Hillyard is very nice and patient, but also extremely meticulous (i.e., slow).  The case had been scheduled for 6 hours, and I think that was a pretty optimistic estimate.  Anyway, Susan came in to relieve me around 8:45am, so I left quickly and drove myself to my follow-up appointment.  Luckily, no one questioned me about arriving alone.  They did tell me to buy some more drops (because, apparently, I didn't have enough already), so I went to Target in search of some thicker artificial tears.  Who knew there was such a variety!?

I had taken some ibuprofen, so my headache was a bit better by then.  Even so, I spent a good 20 minutes in Target comparing brands and trying to find an acceptable substitute for what he told me to get (since they didn't have the exact one).  I also looked around the Christmas clearance aisles and found some fantastic stockings at half-price.  Yay!  I may actually get stockings up next year!

At this point, it was noon, and I was scheduled to meet my mission friends Peggy and Jack Jason for lunch at 1pm.  Because I had rolled out of bed at 6:30 to go to work, I looked pretty darn frumpy.  I was wearing scrub pants and my Train concert t-shirt, snow boots, a parka, a pathetic messy bun and zero makeup (per surgery instructions).  Here's the thing--if I were only meeting Peggy, I wouldn't care (girlfriend has seen me at my absolute worst).  But Jason (or JJD) is probably the most FABULOUS person I know.  I haven't seen him in years, probably since before I got married.  He is a lawyer in Washington D.C., we are Facebook friends and I recently discovered his incredible blog ("I live vicariously through you, remember?"), so I was thrilled when he messaged me and Peggy, asking us if we wanted to get together while he was here over Christmas.  Um, yes!!  {That may or may not have been another reason for me to be *sick* and leave work early on Saturday.  I plead the 5th.}

I didn't have time to go all the way home and change, so I stopped in at Ulta and purchased some combs and makeup.  I was not going to be totally embarrassed!  I dressed up the messy bun a bit with a braid, and put on some face makeup and blush (no eye makeup--I have been good about that!).  With that, I drove to Sugarhouse and we had a delightful lunch @ Finn's Cafe.  We had a server take an iPhone picture, which really did none of us any favors.  I was going to suggest a different spot for lighting purposes, but decided to go with it.  So this is what we got:

I'm holding a Diet Coke given to us "to go" (do you think that was a subtle hint?!); I'm not giving Peggy the bird on purpose.  Also, JJD has very nice hair, but this picture makes him look almost bald!  I tried to edit the picture, which looks marginally better and slightly BoBo thanks to the filters.

Jason is amazing.  He's sophisticated and hilarious and fashionable and, well, FABULOUS.  I adore him.  I adore Peggy too, but I can see her pretty much anytime.  Seeing Jason is such a rare treat--he's always working crazy 120-hour weeks, going to plays, taking crazy trips all around the world, and reading Les Misérables in the original french.  I want to be like him when I grow up.

At some point during our conversation, I requested an explanation of Jason and Peggy's method of judging people.  They had a code I didn't understand, but since they are up front about it and honest about where they fall within the scheme, it's okay.  Jason drew me a diagram on the back of the receipt.  It looked something like this (with fonts added for emphasis):

Let me explain.  No--there is too much.  Let me sum up: the people you know can basically be classified into one of these four categories.  I cringe as I write this, but the humor and the element of truth make it worthwhile.

F-people: like to use the F-bomb a lot.  If there were a t.v. show that describes an F-person, it would be "My Name is Earl" (with Maury Povich coming in a close second).  Mullets, NASCAR, trailers, etc.  FYI--Peggy likes to let her inner F-chick shine.

Peace people: Hippies.  Birkenstocks.  The entire state of Oregon.  NPR.  All about recycling.  I assert that anyone who graduates from the University of Utah have to be "Peace People" to a certain extent.  I'm not a serious Peace girl, but I was a Biology major: there was no escaping them.  I'm sure you get the idea.

D&D (or Dungeons and Dragons):  The nerds.  Big Bang Theory.  Computer, techie people who love Sci-Fi and are fairly anti-social.  Peggy says I'm totally D&D (even though I didn't know what D&D stood for--she had to explain it to me).  Just because I'm a Star Wars nerd . . . whatever.

And last but not least, BoBo (or Bohemian Bourgeoisie): The posh.  Frasier.  Drive a Lexus or a Saab.  Wouldn't be caught dead at Walmart, etc.

The whole conversation was a pleasure.  I laughed.  A LOT.  But I have been considering the diagram.  These categories are pretty basic, and I think there has to be some overlap.  I like to think of myself as kind-of a centrist (politically, socially, etc.).  I may be mostly D&D, but I'm cool with F-people.  I definitely prefer Target to Walmart, but that doesn't make me entirely BoBo.  I'm not the most avid Peace girl, but I recycle and I do think about the environment.

So this is where my New Year's resolution intersects with my friends' theories:

I will be a different kind of F chick, where F is for FABULOUS.  More to come (and Happy New Year!).

I'll See You When I Fall Asleep

I've been at work for about 14 hours now.  It has been a good day; we have had pizza delivered, we don't have any rooms going right now, and I'm making time-and-a-half at the moment.  We normally have two scrub techs working at night, but they both called in sick.  And since I am on-call, I am here.  It's actually a really good night for me to stay, because a) Tollene (Allen's mother) is staying with us for a couple of weeks, b) I'm short on my hours for the week because of the holiday, c) it's nice to be paid to blog and check my e-mail, and d) I'm (hopefully!) getting LASIK done tomorrow, after which I have been told I need to sleep it off.  So since I'm planning on sleeping most of the day anyway, I hope that being up most of the night won't be so bad.

About LASIK . . . here's the story.  Every year, Allen takes out a fair amount of money in his flexible spending account at work.  This money is "use it or lose it," so you don't want to take out too much.  We always said that if we had enough money left over at the end of the year, I could get LASIK. Usually, we only have a few hundred dollars left, so I get new glasses and call it good.  This year, we have around $2400 left over.  While that's good--no major illnesses or surgeries or doctor's visits this year--that's a lot of money to lose on December 31st.  So, in early December (while trying not to get my hopes up too high; you never know what will happen!), I start calling around to see if I can get an appointment.  Once place I called was totally booked.  Another place was so busy they kept me on hold for at least 10 minutes.  So, I called Hoopes Vision.  I had heard their ads on the radio many times, and my brother Dave had his eyes corrected by them earlier this year, with fantastic results.  Not only did they answer my call right away, but they had *one* appointment available before the end of the year.  I took it, and went through all the testing and scans and stuff (my eyes have never had such a workout--I had an incredible headache by the end!).  They said I would qualify, but it would cost around $2,000 per eye.  I was not expecting to have to pay that much, but I also didn't want to waste all that money.  So we scheduled the right eye for December 28th, and the left eye for early January.  I went home and argued talked about it with Allen, and we decided to just do it.  Merry Christmas to me!

I'm excited, and a little nervous.  I hope my eyes aren't too bloodshot from working tonight.  I hope my family is healthy for at least the next few days, because I feel guilty about using up the rest of the flex-spending money.  I'm annoyed that I'll still have to wear glasses (I'll have to replace my right lens with a clear lens); no contacts for the past couple of weeks and I haven't worn makeup for several days.

I hate not wearing makeup.  It is a little liberating, but I feel so much better about myself when I look nice.

*   *   *   *   *

Update: it's now 6:13am, and I have been at work for 19+ hours now (regular 12-hour shift + 8-hour on-call shift).  We didn't do any cases last night (miracle!), so I got to rest a little bit.  Here's hoping the next time I write my vision will be halfway greatly improved!

I'm So Tired of Trying

**Caution: this post is going to be negative.  If you don't want to read it, that's fine.  You were warned.

Let's start with yesterday.  It was a lovely day--beautiful weather (in the 80's), I got to spend the morning playing tourist with my dear friend and former Zone Leader Sam Aubin, who is visiting from Germany.  I learned several new things about Temple Square, we went to lunch @ The Pie near the U, and I felt like I looked pretty nice (makeup, clothing, etc.--I was actually put-together).  I went up to Benji's school afterward and had a little chat with his teachers.  He is doing very well; he understands more than I give him credit for, and they don't let him get away with things like we do.  I need to work on that, and I need to make a communication book.  There are supposed to be some cool tools like that on iPads, which he would love, but which we definitely cannot afford right now.  :o(

So I was feeling pretty good when we left school.  I decided to take Benji to a park to let him play for a little while.  I took him to the potty before we did anything.  He went #1, then he played on the structure, and although I was a little sleepy, I thought I was keeping a fairly good eye on him.  That was, until I heard some kid say, "It smells like poo."  Having heard that, I got up and went for a closer look.  Yep--he was finger painting.  I took him back to the car, stripped him down and wiped him off the best I could, then put a towel on the carseat and strapped him in.  Then I had to take some wipes back to the playground to clean up his mess.  Thankfully there wasn't too much, but I was seriously annoyed.

I took him home and put him in the shower.  Later that afternoon, he had a meltdown--inconsolable crying and kicking and thrashing, which is one thing with a two-year-old, but is something else when you have a 55+ pound, very strong four-year-old hitting you.  This went on for about 20 minutes, making me wonder if he was in pain, because he can't tell us what's going on.  Then he stopped, and he was fine.  I don't get it.  I hope you parents out there can appreciate your child being able to tell you why he or she is crying, BECAUSE IT SUCKS WHEN HE CAN'T.  You feel totally helpless.

Then, Allen told me that the loan for the house has gone through and they are signing the papers THIS Thursday instead of next Thursday.  I said, "But I have to work," and he said, "You don't have to be there."  Okay . . . I understand that my name is not on the loan, but I thought it was going to be on the house.  Am I wrong to be pissed about this?  Buying a house is kind-of a big deal, and I would like to be there.  Apparently, Allen doesn't think it's important that I am.  And to me, that's just more proof that he doesn't care.  This house would be the ONLY thing he has done (on his own) to take care of Benji and me if anything should happen to him.  He doesn't have life insurance, he doesn't have a 401K, he doesn't have a will.  I, on the other hand, do have life (and health) insurance on him, on me, and on Benji.  I shell out for it every paycheck.  I have a 401K.  There's not a ton of money there, but enough to get him by for a few months, at least.  I am trying to prepare for the future financially, and I personally paid $1,000 in earnest money as part of our down payment (my dad helped with the rest--he is such a wonderful man).  But I don't have to be there.  Yeah.

Oh--and back to last Saturday.  He got up at 4:30am to go hunting with his friend Aaron.  Last week was incredibly busy for me, and I had to volunteer @ the Hilltop sale on Saturday morning, so Benji had to go to the Lake's house.  Whatever--they are great with Benji, and he likes going there.  Allen got back in time for me to go the the Relief Society General Meeting with Lexy and Desi, but as soon as I got home, Allen went to bed (leaving the house a disaster, as usual).  So I got to put Benji to bed, then clean, then go to work at 11pm.  I worked all night, and it was a really crappy shift that felt like it would never end.  I got home around 7:30am Sunday morning, and Benji was awake in his room (having wet the bed, totally soaked) and Allen was still asleep.  So I got Benji up and put him in the shower, and Allen appeared.  I was in a really bad mood, so he asked me what was wrong.  I told him I needed to sleep, and he asked, "Why didn't you get any sleep?"  Seriously?  Yes, I stay up late sometimes (which many times includes cleaning, like 1+1/2 hours worth tonight), but I pick up extra shifts, and I get home late.  Anyway, I slept for a couple of hours, but I was woken up by a call from my Visiting Teaching Supervisor, who asked me if I had done my VT for the month.  Nope.  She told me I could probably call them that day, but I told her it wasn't going to happen.  I sure love that guilt-trip every month, reminding me of what a slacker I am.

Then we went to Logan for the afternoon on Sunday (that's another post).  Allen wanted me to drive, since he was having allergy problems because of some mosquito bites he got while he was out hunting.  Um, no.  I was utterly exhausted from working all night, so I told him he needed to drive up, and I would drive back.  That worked okay, but I know I almost fell asleep while driving.  We got home around 9:30pm on Sunday, then I had to work 12 hours on Monday.  At least Tuesday morning was nice.

Then today I had to work another 12.  I also volunteered to bring a side dish to Katie's Bridal Shower at work.  I got Benji up and took him to the bathroom, but he wouldn't go.  I waited for around 10 minutes for him to finally go, but he never did.  So I got him dressed and ready and realized we would totally miss his bus. I had to drive him up to the school, but we were too early.  So we stopped at Smith's to get the stuff for the Cranberry salad I was going to make.  Then I took him to school and came home to make the salad.  It took me a good 90 minutes to make this salad (enough to cut into my primping time, so I look really rough today), and I brought it to work with me at 11am.  When I finally got to sit down for a few minutes (around 2pm), basically no one had eaten it.  It really sucks when all of your efforts are wasted.  Then at 3pm I was put in Dr. Zempoloch's room.  She is usually very nice, but I couldn't do anything right there, either.  So I was in a less-than-talkative mood.  People kept asking me if I was okay, but seriously--can't I just have an "off" day?  Do I have to be perky all the time?  Plus, I'm feeling the guilt for not scrubbing Liver transplants.  I think they did 3 in the last week, and I was asked by several people if I do scrub them.  I did, but that was one of the major reasons why I left IMC in 2010.  I was totally burned out from taking all of the implant call and doing them all the time.  I like my job, and I don't want to become that person again by growing to resent it, but should that be priority over the hospital's needs?  I'm sure I could scrub one if I had to; I just don't want to.  And yes, that makes me feel like a slacker, too.

I'm just really down on myself today.  I'm tired and poor and unwanted and ugly and nothing more than a housekeeper, babysitter and source of income for my husband.  We are together out of convenience: that's pretty much the only reason why we are still together.  It's certainly not because we are on the same team, because we are not.  We think very differently, and he hardly thinks of me at all.  I'm certainly not his first priority, and he isn't mine, either.  We don't make each other happy; we don't even really like spending time together.  Allen does what he does and expects me to be fine with it.  I guess I do the same.  I just wish he thought enough about how I feel to make sure I could be there at the signing.  Yes, I told him I wasn't happy about it, but that doesn't matter.  Nothing I do really matters.  I just work here.

She Works Hard For Her Money

*** This post was left as a draft back in August.  I'll just publish it as-is.

Today has been mentally and physically exhausting.  I'm at work, and it's 10:27pm.  I have mostly finished my Kronos training, but I also had to teach some orderlies.  Their stuff is different from ours (techs and nurses), so when they would ask questions, I would mostly say, "I don't know."  There is even an orderly "Super User" working tonight, but for some reason, she doesn't feel like she can teach other people.  The whole thing is a mess, it's confusing, and it's a lot of work.  And it's a pain in my you-know-what.  I can only do so much with the level to which I have been trained.

Speaking of training, the robot was a nightmare today.  The surgeon (let's call her Dr. P.) was in a terrible mood.  She was relying on her very inexperienced residents as her first assistants, and when they kept making mistakes, she would yell at them.  I felt bad for one young doctor, who was having a really hard time with spatial orientation in laparoscopy (a very difficult concept: imagine using a tool that you can only see on a monitor, but which moves in the opposite direction when you manipulate it, and having someone yelling at you and calling you a "retard" when you don't get it right). The rep was making things more complicated than they needed to be, the instruments she wanted weren't working or weren't sterile or weren't available, the patient was really bloody, and the circulators were inexperienced.  Cute Kristy had done some cross-training today, and those two cases made her the most experienced circulator available.  With all of the issues we had, it really wasn't fair to place that kind of responsibility on her.  Lacey (another scrub) and I have scrubbed plenty of robots, but neither of us are really familiar with circulator responsibilities.  And the rep (who is paid to know the equipment backwards and forwards, who is supposed to be able to answer all of our questions) was not helping.  She was trying to tell me what to do, at the same time the surgeon is giving me orders, and there was so much going on and so many things not working that everyone was frustrated.  Thank heavens for Doug (who had technically left for vacation already).  He came in to help us out and smooth things over.  I give him a lot of grief, but Doug really is a good guy.

Getting thrown into stuff you don't really know how to do is not an uncommon thing.  Actually, it happens a lot.  With many surgeries, you can draw on your previous experience and fake your way through it.  That's one reason why I like my job--I learn new things every day, and I get to use my brain to figure things out.  The robot really isn't like that.  I received a fair amount of training to scrub robotic cases, and I feel pretty comfortable doing most of them.  But there's only so much I can do without seeing the circulator side of things.  Reps (vendors who work for the companies of the products we use) are usually a great help, and they can be very knowledgeable.  Not this one.  We (nurses and techs) need more training on the robot, from someone who can actually answer our questions.

I want to be a good employee.  I want to prove myself as an invaluable part of the team.  I don't want to be a complainer or a tattle-tail; I want to help fix the situation.  First, the surgeon should have had a more experienced first-assistant (i.e., an attending physician, colleague, or someone who at least knows enough about the robot to be useful).  She also should have stepped back and calmed down, instead of yelling at everyone for things beyond their control.  Yes, a lot of things went wrong, and there's no one cause.  But verbal abuse is never called for, even if it is said 'jokingly.'  Secondly, the equipment needs to be ready and available.  Surgeons are notoriously impatient, so whenever we have to get something that isn't close by, they get even more wound-up.  Third, everyone needs more training.  Period.  Not just those who already do robots, and not just staff members who are willing to be trained.  It needs to be mandatory.  Until it is, and until our managers know how much we are struggling, days like this will be all too common.

She Was Making Other Plans

I know I have been MIA for a while.  I also know that I should be catching up on life events, rather than writing about stuff that only matters to me.  I guess that if you are actually reading (all two of you . . .), then maybe you do care about what I think is important.  So I guess I will keep writing.

I will catch up eventually; we got back from my family reunion in Yosemite National Park about 10 days ago, and I have been working a ton and I have been super busy with birthdays and such.  Also, I have been designated a "Super-User" for the Kronos WorkForce Services implementation at work (it sounds much more glamorous than it is, believe me), so I have had to sit down with about 20 different people and teach them how to use this new system.  Each session with a co-worker takes 30-45 minutes, and they did not allow for any overtime to get it done.  It has been a major project, trying to do my normal job and this training stuff when there is time, and when I happen to be scheduled at the same time as all of the people on my list.  And no, I'm not getting any compensation for it; I wasn't even asked if I wanted to do it (though I probably would have said yes).  I was walking into work one day and I was told that I had to go to this training, so I could teach other people.  Whatever.  It has been fine, just more to load onto my plate . . . because it wasn't full enough already.

Another reason why I haven't done more event-based blogging is because of the picture situation.  I love taking pictures of family events and I love creating beautiful photographs.  But it is a double-edged sword.  I want all of my pictures to look nice.  I don't want to upload unedited photos, even if it's just cropping and fixing exposure.  It bugs me when I don't do it, and considering the sheer numbers of photos I take, sorting through them all, finding and editing the best of them, uploading them, writing about them . . . it's a little overwhelming.  With my nieces' and nephews' birthdays, it's pretty much all I can do to 1) take the pictures and 2) upload them onto my picasa albums.  It's especially difficult during the summer, because once I'm done with one event, the next one is just around the corner.  So, folks, I'm sorry you don't get more pictures and stories.  I will try.

Okay, fine.  Here's a list of album links, in case you are interested (and in case I forgot to e-mail the links to you).

Ella's Birthday (8th Birthday Party on May 17, 2012)
Zekey's Birthday (1st Birthday Party on May 26, 2012)
Phoebe's Birthday (3rd Birthday Party on June 23, 2012)
Lily's Birthday (5th Birthday Party on June 30, 2012)
Day @ Hogle Zoo with Mach & Lex (July 19, 2012)
Family Reunion* (July 2012) *Warning!  Mostly unedited album, also including random pictures from vaycay!

Oh, what the heck.  Here are the links to Easter 2012 and Mother's Day 2012.  These kids are growing up so fast!  Of course there are lots of Benji pictures in each album, 1) because the boy is so stinkin' cute, and 2) because you never know when you'll get a really good one.  I actually found some great ones from last April that I had totally forgotten about.  And yes, between typing this sentence and the previous one, I had to  take 10 minutes to locate and edit this picture.  I got ones with better smiles, but they were out of focus.  Even so, this was worth it.

FYI, the shirt he was wearing in this picture is now permanently covered in stains from who-knows-what.  I have washed it at least 20 times trying to get it wearable again, all to no avail.  Gah!

This post turned out nothing like what I expected, but I guess that's the way life goes.  "Well you were happy where you were, but that girl, she reeled you in."  (Keane, Neon River).

Trying to Throw Your Arms Around the World

In my last post, I forgot to mention the whole insurance issue.  A pro of working full-time is that I get decent insurance for a decent price ($180/mo, $350 deductible pp/$1050 for family, out-of-pocket maximum $2000 pp/$5000 family).  Not great, but not terrible.  My sister Sarah suggested I drop to part-time.  Oh, how I would like to.  Unfortunately, insurance is a really big issue.  For employees who work part-time, the cost of their insurance is more than double what it is for full-time employees.  So, you are making less and putting out more money for the same thing you get if you work more.  Basically, you are working for the insurance.  If Allen's company's insurance weren't super-duper crappy (way less coverage for way more money), the decision would be much easier--I'd go part-time in a heartbeat.  I might not even work at all.

That's the crux of my problem.  I think I would feel quite differently about working if there were a clear choice in the matter.  All those other reasons are valid, but it really boils down to insurance, i.e., taking care of my family.  If I have to work, I want something more out of it than just insurance.  I want a paycheck.  I want to keep and maintain skills.  Is it worth it to spend so much time away from my child just to save money?  Should I really have to ask that question?  Would it be better for me to be the homemaker and mother and spiritual woman I always wanted to be, or is it better for me to take care of my family temporally--monetarily and physically by making sure we can afford to pay the bills?

I don't know what is better.  I don't really feel like I have a choice in the matter (logically, it's not worth it for me to work part-time), but I do.  Maybe insurance isn't the real problem; maybe it's trust.  Growing up, I was taught to work hard and earn my keep, go to school and contribute to society,  I have tried.  I was taught to live the gospel of Jesus Christ, to listen to the prophets and trust in the Lord.  I have tried that too, though that is really where I am failing myself and my family.  I go to church, I try to fulfill my duties, I work hard to make our home livable, but it is certainly not the "heaven on earth" I'm supposed to create.  I'd probably be happier if I put more focus on that.  But it's difficult to scuba dive when you've let your tank float to shore and it's all you can do to keep your head above water.  I'm sure there are beautiful reefs and exotic marine life to be seen, if only I trusted someone else to help me breathe.

Do I understand what I'm missing beneath the waves?

When She Goes to Work

I will get around to finishing blogging about the cruise, but I'm just not up for dealing with pictures again right now.  There are so many, and they have to be edited and collaged and uploaded . . . it just takes a long time (even with the minimal editing).  It will come, though, don't you worry.*

**Yes, I know that most of my readers really don't care what we did or didn't do on our vacation, but it is important to me.  And since you are actually reading this, it should be important to you too. ;o)

Okay . . . onto tonight's topic.  Why do I work full-time?  I have been asking myself that question quite often lately, and there's a whole buffet of pros and cons, with lots of guilt to be had on the side.  Let's explore that a little bit.

Unfortunately, a little history is required.  Let's go back to 2006, shall we?  Allen and I had been married for less than a year, when a career advancement opportunity arose for me.  I was working part-time as a CNA at Primary Children's Medical Center, and I was trying to finish up my Bachelor's degree at the same time.  It was a decent job, paying around $10/hour.  I was cruising the employment section of IHC's website, and I found a notice for a position, which included paid training to become a Surgical Technologist at LDS Hospital.  The training alone would have been a nice raise for me, and once the training was completed, another raise would be given.  Honestly, I had never even considered working in surgery until I saw that notice.  I talked it over with Allen, and we decided that I should apply.

Well, I obviously got the job.  I was excited and a little nervous about this new frontier.  On the first day of our class (at the end of June 2006), they had each of us sign a contract: that once we had completed the training, we would be required to work full-time for IHC (Intermountain Healthcare) for two years, or for 4,000 hours.  If we did not work those 4,000 hours, we would have to pay back a graduated portion of what this training was worth (which was, in their estimation, several thousand dollars).  So all ten of us were locked into this contract before we had any idea what we were getting into.  One fellow ended up dropping out a couple of months into it, but the only reason why they let him out of his contract was because he was in the military and had been called up for active duty.

This training involved class and clinicals, working at least five days/week (including most Saturdays), for about 5 months--we finished in December 2006.  It was pretty intense, especially considering that most Surgical Tech training programs are at least 12 months long, and some are even longer.  I remember having a small nervous breakdown somewhere that fall, but I know I wasn't alone.  Most of the other students had a relatively difficult time, too.  So the 4,000-hour countdown started at the end of 2006.

Well, I worked full-time the next year (2007), mostly doing night-shifts while I finished my BA in Biology.  I learned a lot, and while the hour requirement still made me nervous, I actually began to enjoy my job.  Then, in August, I dislocated my shoulder (the first time) and found out that I was pregnant.  I had to take a few weeks off for my shoulder, and in January 2008 I was put on "bedrest" for mild hypertension and pre-eclampsia.  The bedrest wasn't very restful, especially since we moved from Sugar House up to Bountiful (on my birthday in 2008), but it was nice to not have to work during that time.  Even so, it all counted toward the maximum number of hours I could take for a paid leave (12 weeks/year for full-time employees).  By the time monsieur was born, I only had a few weeks left.  I took what time off I could, then I had to return to work full-time.  I still had more than one year to go on my contract, so I worked because I had to.

I had planned on dropping down to part-time after I had fulfilled my contract, but then this happened (this is a chart of the Dow Jones Industrial Average around this time period) :

(Chart courtesy of: http://techfarm.blogspot.com/2010/08/scary-similarity-charts-1929-1930-and.)

Just as I was finishing up the required hours of my contract, the economy dropped out.  A bunch of people at Allen's work had been laid-off, so we were pretty nervous about that.  I also remember the price of gas going from a low of $1.29/gal to $4.50/gal in 2008, and I felt lucky to a) have a job at all, and b) have a car that got 35+ mpg (yes, Gigi was a piece of you-know-what, but she rocked on the mileage).  So . . . I kept working.

And I have been working full-time ever since then.  Part of it is lack of confidence in the economy itself, and part of it is lack of faith in my husband, that he could provide for all of us in this economy.  His job is definitely not 'recession-proof,' and his lack of education has made it difficult to move up any kind of ladder. Oh, he's smart--Allen teaches himself plenty of things, and he has a ton of work experience to recommend him, but he hasn't been in school since 1991.  A lot has changed in the field of Information Technology in last 20 years, and with jobs getting more and more competitive, many of which require college degrees of some sort, that leaves us kinda stranded . . . and lucky to be employed at all.

And that's the long version of why I work.  That's the necessity aspect to it.  Of course, if I were really passionate about staying home, economising and such, I would find a way to make it work.  Here's a list of pros and cons.

Pro: Money.  It sure is nice to get a paycheck.  What is even nicer is that both Allen and I get paid every other week, and our paydays fall on opposite weeks.  So there is a paycheck coming in every Friday, either his or mine.  That is very helpful.

Con: I'm not as frugal as I should be.  I'm a spender.  I like to find good deals, and I used to coupon like crazy, but I found that I was buying stuff I didn't need because I had a good coupon.  I don't do it as much anymore; I try to just buy what I need.  But I do spend too much, I'll admit it--especially on eating out.  I'm such a creature of convenience.  It's a lot easier to eat in the cafeteria than it is to pack my meals every day. :o(

Pro: Using/maintaining/learning of skills.  I learn new things all the time, and I love that.  Every day is different, every surgery is different.  I get to do all kinds of cool things and see lots of cool stuff.  I enjoy it, and I'm pretty good at it.

Con:  Being better at scrubbing than I am at mothering.  While work is good, it is also stressful and exhausting.  I work hard, and I am on my feet for hours every day, so when I'm home, I don't do a lot of things that good mothers do.  I'm not great at getting down on the floor and playing with Benji, or keeping the house clean or taking him out for playdates or walks, etc.  I do every once in a while, but not as often as I should.

Pro: Getting to talk to doctors every day.  I love having intelligent conversations.  I love the little thrill of rebellion when I call doctors by their first names instead of by their proper titles.  I love talking with smart, educated people.

Con: Sometimes I don't know how to talk to my child.  Yes, he is autistic, and communication is a huge barrier for us.  I know he understands me sometimes, but he also chooses to disobey quite frequently.  He also gets so caught up in his own world that my speaking to him doesn't even register on his radar.  I can be holding his face in my hands, speaking directly to him, calling his name and asking him to look at me, and he will be looking anywhere except at me, speaking in his own language that I don't understand.  Some moments are better than others, and I know he understands more than he can express.  Getting Benjamin ready for the real world should be a bigger priority for me.

Pro: I get to help people.  I am part of a team, and we all work together to increase the quality of life for people we have never met.  I help fix what is broken, I help remove what isn't functioning correctly, and I help save lives.  That means something.

Con: I don't help my son as much as I should.  I let other people do that for me--friends, family, t.v., teachers, babysitters, etc.  I am happy to send my child off to school, because I truly believe they can help him more than I can.  I know I'm supposed to be the primary care-taker, nurturer, and teacher.  I certainly don't feel that way.

Pro: I cherish my time with Benjamin more, because I get so little of it.

Con:  I get so little time with Benjamin, and I'm so tired when I do get it, that I rarely make the most of it.

Pro: Positive feedback.  I get thanks and pats-on-the-back for a job well done.  I got a pretty ring as an award for my 10-year anniversary of working for IHC.  I get a paycheck every-other-week.  I get emails from my supervisor thanking me for getting my education stuff done ahead of schedule.  I try to fly under-the-radar, so to speak, by working hard and staying out of trouble, so I hear very little negativity about my performance.

Con: The guilt.  Most of it is self-imposed, but it is still there.  The LDS Church is very vocal about encouraging mothers to stay home with their children (if possible) (see the Proclamation to the World, and this talk given by Elder L. Tom Perry in April 2010.).  In a predominantly LDS community like Salt Lake, it is expected that most mothers are homemakers.  I may not have really had a choice when I was still under contract, but now that it is not strictly a necessity, I'm still working.

That's where I am: walking this line between guilt and fulfillment, between selfishness and selflessness, between the 'shoulds' and the 'if-onlys'.  Where is the best place for me?  Where do I belong?  How could I give up such an important piece of myself?

Your thoughts and comments would be appreciated.