He Can't Read My Poker Face

I actually went to a Relief Society meeting tonight.  It was a parenting class from a gal who is a counselor, and who works with problem kids (kind-of like SuperNanny, but in shorter intervals and over a longer period of time).  The things she said were pretty common-sense; they are just easy to forget.  So I'm going to write down my notes here, in an attempt to hold on to a little of it.  For example, she talked a lot about positive reinforcement, rewarding behavior you want and calmly ignoring behaviors you don't.  One thing that I found very interesting was the "Happy Face or Poker Face."  If the child does something right, go out of your way to praise it, and make sure they know that is what you want.  If they are defiant, speak calmly (like an easy-listening radio d.j.) and let them know that you will talk to them when they can speak calmly too.  Older kids know how to push their parents' buttons, so it's important to show that they can't get to you (i.e., the Poker Face).

Unfortunately, Benji doesn't really get that.  It's pretty hard to get him to look you in the face at all.  But there are things I can do.  I'm going to try the sticker reward thing.  I don't know if he'll get that either, but if I can get him to associate good behavior with stickers, that would be good.  I may have to start with treatage (I KNOW he gets that!).  We'll see if anything changes.

Here are some other things she said:

-Kids will listen, whether or not you think they do.  I still hear my Mom's voice in my head sometimes.

-Parents have to change first.  They set the tone for the day and for the home in general.

-Reward good behavior.  Reinforce what you want; the child has to know what he will get for certain behaviors.  Attention is the #1 reinforcer.

-Teach, don't punish.  Mistakes happen; show love and concern, and turn them into teaching moments.

She talked about the "Big 3 Parenting Skills."  The first is the calm tone.  I'm the "boss" of the home, so I need to be the kind of boss I'd like to have (positive, kind, appreciative, etc.).  She also tells her parents to shoot for 10:1 ratio of complements to corrections.  Yeah, it'll take a while to get there.

The second is Effective Reinforcement.  Catch good behavior, and "reward the heck out of it."  Use strategic praise: tell them what they are doing right, how I feel about it ("Thank you for sitting quietly!  I love it!") and explain why it's important ("Now we can read this story together.")  You need to disengage and state what you want.  Pair reinforcement with the behavior immediately.  Successful change comes from quality relationships.   A lot of things that kids might think are "rights" can be earned (t.v. time, etc.).  When explaining behaviors and consequences, keep it short and sweet.  Remember that attention spans don't really last more than 30 seconds.

The third is Parenting Empowerment.  Let kids learn from experience, and follow through with consequences. For example, if a lollipop is a reward for following directions, and the child doesn't obey, but then complains and whines that they want the lollipop, don't give in.  Otherwise you are reinforcing the idea that whining will get you what you want.  Use discipline, not punishment.  Spanking may let the child know that a behavior isn't right, but it also teaches them that it's okay to hit if you're really mad.  Hmm.
If a child comes to you with hurt feelings (e.g, "Mommy, Leslie called me stupid"), this is what you can say.  First, use an empathy statement: ("I'm sorry that happened to you"), then give an empowerment statement: ("Do you think you're stupid?  What could you do about it?").  If they ask for it, then give an advice statement ("If you know it's not true, you should just ignore it.")  That gives the child the power to deal with bad situations, without your having to have a Come-To-Jesus meeting with Leslie's mom.

She kind-of ran out of time at the end, but she told us to remember the 3 R's: Respite (take care of yourself; it's okay to take some time away from your kids), Recreation (Play, and enjoy time together), and Relationship Building.

I'm glad I went.  It is nice to have adult conversations at church . . . that doesn't happen very often.

They Did Not Notice Me

10-10-10.  That doesn't happen very often, and I have not written in a few weeks, so I thought I'd mark it somehow.

Unfortunately, I don't have a lot to say right now.  I started a rather negative post last week, but halfway through I got very frustrated with my life and left it as a draft.  You don't need to hear me go on and on about how much my life sucks, because it's really not that bad; I just lose sight of the goal entirely too often.

One thing about driving Mom's car is that she doesn't have a CD player ("Welcome to the 90's, Mr. Banks!").  Gigi does have one, even if the speakers are blown.  So, ever since I have been Gigi again, I have had "No Line On The Horizon" in it.  I just listen to it over and over; such a great album.  You can read what I wrote about it last year here.  Anyway, the song "Moment of Surrender" has been my favorite for a few weeks now.  Here are the lyrics:


Moment of Surrender
--U2

I tied myself with wire
To let the horses run free
Playing with the fire
Until the fire played with me

The stone was semi-precious
We were barely conscious
Two souls too smart to be
In the realm of certainty
Even on our wedding day

We set ourselves on fire
Oh God, do not deny her
It's not if I believe in love
But if love believes in me
Oh, believe in me

At the moment of surrender
I folded to my knees
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me

I've been in every black hole
At the altar of the dark star
My body's now a begging bowl
That's begging to get back, begging to get back
To my heart
To the rhythm of my soul
To the rhythm of my unconsciousness
To the rhythm that yearns
To be released from control

I was punching in the numbers at the ATM machine
I could see in the reflection
A face staring back at me
At the moment of surrender
Of vision over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me

I was speeding on the subway
Through the stations of the cross
Every eye looking every other way
Counting down 'til the pain would stop

At the moment of surrender
Of vision of over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me

Yes, this song has made me cry on more than one occasion.  Actually, I'm crying now just writing about it.  That's a good sign that I should stop writing now.