Neither Lost Nor Found

If you haven't noticed, all of my blog posts for the past several months have been quotes from Mumford and Sons.  I have been listening to Babel over and over again in my car, because it's just so good.  I'll write more about them later, but I will say that one of many reasons I love their music is because the lyrics really make me think (and feel).  I have a few mild obsessions of late, mostly Mumford and Sons and Doctor Who.  It's not super-duper healthy, but there are worse things, right?

Speaking of Doctor Who, I have been thinking about an episode from the 5th season, called Vincent and The Doctor.  The Doctor takes Amy Pond to the Musée d'Orsay, where they visit the gallery dedicated to Van Gogh.  The Doctor notices something amiss in one of the paintings, and with the help of a Professor Black (the lovely Bill Nighy as a Van Gogh expert), he takes Amy back in time to meet Van Gogh in Provence and (of course) fix the problem.  They do, and as they are leaving, the Doctor decides to take Vincent back to 2010 to the Musée d'Orsay so he can see how his work is appreciated.  Because Van Gogh was ridiculed and very poor at the time of his death, it is very sweet to see how he is affected by Dr. Black's declaration of how Van Gogh was one of the greatest painters who ever lived by transforming pain into beauty.  It made me cry a little bit.

Image from "Vincent and the Doctor," from: http://culturemass.com/2013/05/03/cm-picks-doctor-who-memorable-moments/

At the end of the episode, after the Doctor and Amy Pond take Vincent back to Provence, they go back to the Musée d'Orsay, where Amy thinks that this experience will cause time to be rewritten, and Van Gogh will have created many more paintings.  Upon their return, they find that not much had changed; Vincent still committed suicide only a few months after they left him, and Amy says that they didn't make a difference at all.  Then, the Doctor says something that has stuck with me (this is one of my all-time favorite Doctor Who quotes):

"The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant. And we definitely added to his pile of good things."

I know many people wouldn't, but I put Facebook in my pile of good things.  There are a lot of reasons to dislike FB, but I am so grateful for the chance to reconnect with so many people whom I haven't seen in years, as well as get insights into the lives of people I see frequently.  I love reading what people have to say (for the most part), though sometimes it gets a little heated (yet another reason to dislike election season).

An important discussion started last Sunday, just after General Conference finished.  I was reading a summary of some of the talks, and somehow I ended up posting this article to my Facebook page, with the title: "Leaders say Mormons cannot condone same-sex marriage."  Truthfully, I didn't do it on purpose, and when I realized I did, I hoped I hadn't offended any of my friends who are homosexual.  So I posted this:

Mary Nolan Cox

October 6 near Kearns via mobile

I struggle with the issue of same-sex marriage because of my religion. I believe we all deserve the same rights, and I believe that God loves everyone equally. I have dear friends and relatives who are gay, and I hope you are not offended by the article I posted. We all deserve love and respect. We are all brothers and sisters.

I don't know that I've ever had so many passionate comments on a post, which tells me that people feel very strongly about the subject.  Most of the comments (and some were quite lengthy) were very respectful and kind, and many valid points were made.  I wanted to respond to them all, but I didn't want to do it on FB.  So here I'm doing it here.  I hope I can give some insight into the conflict many of us feel.

First: I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I am a Mormon.  I was born into an active, church-going family, and I have been attending church regularly for my entire life.  I served a mission for my church, and I will continue to be a member for as long as I live.  One of the most beautiful things about my religion is how we are urged to question.  We are instructed to seek out the answers for ourselves, to find out if what the leaders say is true.  I have personally read the Book of Mormon, listened to the Prophet, been baptized, and made covenants in the temple.  I have not done these things because I am brainwashed or because they were expected of me; I did them because I knew they were right.  I have a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ because I asked.  I prayed and received an answer that this church is the true church of God.  I know this independently, because the Spirit of the Lord has confirmed it in my heart and mind over and over again (D&C 8:2).

That being said, the LDS Church is not perfect.  As was said in General Conference, "I suppose the Church would be perfect only if it were run by perfect beings. God is perfect, and His doctrine is pure. But He works through us—His imperfect children—and imperfect people make mistakes" (President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "Come Join With Us," October 2013).  There are some things I don't love about being an active member (like the time commitment), and there are other things I really don't like (such as the handling of Proposition 8, though things are changing with that too--read here).  And as much as I love living in Utah, I believe the LDS Church has too much influence on our state government.  Very little is done without the church's approbation, and many laws are based on LDS values.  That is not always a bad thing, but I feel it takes away from the freedom of choice.  The liquor laws in Utah are ridiculous, and while I'm not an advocate of drinking, I do know that restricting the licenses of businesses is not good for the economy.  I don't think you can legislate morality; for example, making a law that you cannot buy alcohol on Sundays will not stop people from drinking alcohol on Sundays.  Making gambling illegal in the state will not stop people from driving across the border to buy tickets for the Powerball Lottery.  I say that if people are going to do something anyway, let us benefit from it.  As Joseph Smith said:  "I teach them correct principles, and they govern themselves."  Church and state are supposed to be separate, and for good reason.

Even though the pile of good things about the LDS Church greatly outnumbers the pile of bad things, when it comes to sustaining the leaders of the Church, the thing that weighs most heavily on my mind is the issue of same-sex marriage.  The brethren are very consistent, saying that the church cannot condone same-sex marriage.  "While we are to emulate our Savior’s kindness and compassion, while we are to value the rights and feelings of all of God’s children, we cannot change His doctrine. It is not ours to change. His doctrine is ours to study, understand, and uphold" (Elder Russell M. Nelson, "Decisions For Eternity," October 2013).

I sustain the leadership of my church.  I believe that they are doing what they feel to be right.  Part of me knows that I should agree with them 100%.  But I don't.

I do not see what is wrong with loving someone, regardless of gender.  I don't see how legalizing a relationship between two men or two women threatens marriage between one man and one woman.  I don't see why I should have rights that others do not, because the person I married happens to be of the opposite gender.  Personally, I think that when two people want to commit to each other, there shouldn't be laws against it.  I think gay marriage is beautiful, and that the fight for equality is worth supporting.

Where I'm coming from, I can see both sides of the equation.  I hear both arguments and find them both valid.  I read stories of how families are torn apart by this issue and wonder at how this could possibly be better than acceptance.  In all honesty, I just cannot lean one way or the other--saying one side is right and the other is wrong.  I have always tried to be a peacemaker and to avoid confrontation.  I hate feeling such conflict.  It tears me up inside.

So what is my role in all of this?  I may have helped spark a conversation, one which (I hope) has helped some people think about this a bit more.  I have personally done more research and prayed about this subject than I ever have.  In doing so, I found this website: http://www.mormonsandgays.org/.  It really helps me see that attitudes are changing, even though the law of God does not.  And it reminds me that we are all sinners; we are all beggars before the Lord, and we are all in need of His atonement.

In all of the contemplation and heartache of the past few days, one thought has been my mantra: It is not my place to judge.  It is my job to love. (I'm pretty sure I got it from this blog post, which I first read over a year ago).  I can't say what is right and what is wrong for everyone, because each person has his or her own definition.  I cannot walk in the shoes of those who have been on the receiving end of this kind of discrimination and judgement, nor can I condone the self-righteous attitudes of lawmakers, whether or not I agree with them.  I believe that God is kind, and He will judge us according to many things--not just our sexual orientation.  

This is an excellent Q&A about the stance of the church, and in it, Elder Dallin H. Oaks makes a powerful statement:

" . . . Some people consider feelings of same-gender attraction to be the defining fact of their existence. There are also people who consider the defining fact of their existence that they are from Texas or that they were in the United States Marines. Or they are red-headed, or they are the best basketball player that ever played for such-and-such a high school. People can adopt a characteristic as the defining example of their existence and often those characteristics are physical.

"We have the agency to choose which characteristics will define us; those choices are not thrust upon us.

"The ultimate defining fact for all of us is that we are children of Heavenly Parents, born on this earth for a purpose, and born with a divine destiny. Whenever any of those other notions, whatever they may be, gets in the way of that ultimate defining fact, then it is destructive and it leads us down the wrong path."

I don't want to judge anyone.  I don't want to offend anyone (though I'm sure I have and will), and I have been working on this post for several days, making sure that this is what I really want to say.  What it all boils down to is that I don't want to change the world; I just want to help others feel the love of our Savior.

While driving in to work last week, I was contemplating my response to all of these comments and arguments.  I was listening to "Holland Road" by Mumford and Sons, and it reminded me of the episode of Doctor Who I wrote about earlier.  The realization of the simplicity of my answer took my breath away.

I want to be a person who adds to your pile of good things.  There's not a lot I can do to ease the burdens of those who have to live with these difficult circumstances.  There is some service I can give, some beauty I can contribute to this world to help people get through their hard times.  I usually can't take burdens away, but maybe I can help make them a little lighter.

It's not the revelation I was looking for, but this is an answer for me.  I don't have all of the answers right now; I don't have the ability to understand all the mysteries of God.  There are a lot of things I struggle with, and I have a very long way to go until I can see as perfectly as our Father in Heaven, but I do have a big heart.  I have so much love for you, my friends and family, and I know that's just a tiny portion of the love Jesus has for each of us.  It's hard to feel sometimes, especially when I let the adversary tell me I am unworthy, but it's always there.  Although we ALL have piles of bad things, God has given us so much for our piles of good things.  He has given us gifts and talents we can share and use to bless the lives of others.  

Please know that you are loved.  You are cherished.  Our Father in Heaven created you, and He loves you, whether or not you believe in Him.  I love Him, and I love you, truly.  Please let me know how I can add to your pile of good things.

from: http://godisawhale.tumblr.com/post/34011344555