At least I'm doing something to document daily life. I do take a fair number of pictures with my little iPhone, and I'll do some editing and share them. Getting likes is a bit of a thrill, but that's not why I do it. I try to share to connect with my friends and family, hoping that people will remember me. I'm not dying or anything, but I do know that life is short and you just never know what is around the corner. I feel like there's something kinda big coming (life-changing), and I'll know it when it happens. Until then, I'm just trying to be ready and do right by my little man.
Like I said, there are a lot of things on my mind these days. Here's a small part of that list (in no particular order, since my brain seems to remember things sporadically, however logical I may think I am!).
- I am at work currently, listening to "Songs of Innocence." The dropping of the new U2 album pretty much rocked the music world, and I'm loving it. I cannot wait until they tour!
- I will go see Bastille next week with Allison and her family. I'm very excited for that!
- I haven't blogged about any concerts this year. Grr. I saw Young the Giant back in April, OneRepublic in June, Dan Reynolds from Imagine Dragons in July, and American Authors in October. Excellent concerts all, and I just love hanging out with Allison and Cameron and Dawson. They are some of my favorite people.
- We don't have any concerts scheduled after Bastille, which makes me a little sad . . . I always need something to look forward to!
- I'm so glad I took Tuesday off work for said concert. I work too much, and I'm really getting burned out. Yes, I know many people work more hours than I do at jobs more difficult than mine, but it's too much for me. Part of me wants to just work somewhere that's NOT a hospital. Like Pier 1 Imports. That would be fun (and a LOT less stressful).
- For picking up some extra shifts, I got some movie tickets from one of the supervisors at work, which is nice. I really want to see "Interstellar" and "The Theory of Everything," though the latter is not yet playing in SLC. Boo. Allen and I actually have a date night planned for next week. Let's hope Grandma is feeling better by then.
- Did I mention that Grandma T (Allen's mother Tollene) is living with us now? There are some pros and cons to that . . . the cons mostly consisting of the pets she brought with her from California. They like to pee on the carpet, which makes me insane. They are smelly and the cat hates me (I'm not particularly fond of her, either).
- I really like my house to smell nice, and the pets are not helping with that. But Bath & Body Works candles are making it a bit easier. Sweater Weather is my favourite. Love, love, love.
- Grandma is getting baptized next week! I have not been a very good example, but I am truly very happy for her. She really is golden.
- Thanksgiving is coming up, and I may have overextended my little family. I want to do sweet potatoes and stuffing; I volunteered Allen to make a turkey, and I got Grandma on board with doing pies. How we are going to transport all of that to Logan remains to be seen.
- I also have my card exchange next week, and I haven't even started my projects. *sigh* I guess I know what I'll be doing on Wednesday/Thursday/Friday nights. Actually, pretty much every night this week until I get it done. Maybe I need to do some simplifying.
So that was more of a stream-of-consciousness than what's on my mind. I hope you'll excuse that since it is 4:50am.
The troubles--which seem to preoccupy much of my mind the rest of the time--mostly center around my sister Rebecca. As some of you know, she is back in jail. I don't know how many times she has been incarcerated (three? four?), but I do know that she doesn't seem to be changing for the better. We hope, we pray, we try not to enable, or to get our hopes up too high, but we are all just doing the best we can to hang on. These waters are choppy, and this part of the sea is unknown to most of us. Dave and Lexy have some experience with family members who are addicts, and Sarah is familiar with their behaviours and psychology. The rest of us are really trying to hold our own families together and really struggling with what to do with Rebecca. How can I be Christlike and not make myself crazy? Can I really love her unconditionally, after all she has done? How can I judge her when I am so far from being perfect? I really need to cast the beam out of my own eye in order to see her more clearly, but how can I do that when I'm just getting through the day without an ounce of energy or compassion to spare?
From The Troubles by U2
You think it’s easier
To put your finger on the trouble
When the trouble is you
And you think it’s easier
To know your own tricks
Well it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do
I have a will for survival
So you can hurt me and then hurt me some more
I can live with denial
But you’re not my troubles anymore
Somebody stepped inside your soul
Somebody stepped inside your soul
Little by little they robbed and stole
Till somebody else was in control
Leaving someone so bent on destroying herself to her own devices is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I want to do something, but I know there is nothing I can do to turn her back into the person I once knew. The girl I grew up with is barely recognizable, and I don't even know how to talk to her anymore. Of course, I can really only communicate via postcards at the moment, so there's not a lot of anything being said right now.
My heart breaks for her. I want to help and to make it right, but I can't. I am not able to fix this. I cannot make choices for her. I cannot pretend to understand that kind of addiction and how it shatters your ability to prioritise.
I hope Drug Court helps her. I hope she begins to understand the consequences of her actions, and how they have consumed our family. I hope she will turn her heart back to her children and make them her mission in life. I should have more faith that she will; it is just hard to believe what you cannot see.
This is why I need my Savior. Only He can help us through this--give us enough strength to do what we have to do. It wasn't always easy for Him to accept the will of the Father, but He did it. He overcame every trial and pain imaginable, and because of that, He knows what I'm going through. He knows what I need before I even ask.
I cannot control everything, and it's exhausting trying to keep all of the balls in the air. Maybe it's time to let them fall where they may, and let Him pick them up for me. I think He would, if I'd give Him the opportunity.
Trusting is hard. But I will try.
