8pm on a Saturday. What am I doing? Sitting at the Surgery front desk, blogging. There is only one room going right now, and Ann Marie is scrubbing. *sigh* I should offer her a break, but I'm hoping they'll be done soon. Dr. Larcom isn't one to spend more time than necessary in surgery.
I am getting excited for our cruise--only 3 weeks until we sail! Aaah! Here's the rub: we don't have our passports yet. I have been putting it off too long, so now we have to do the expedited and overnight shipping thing. For an extra charge of $60. Grr. We got our federal tax refund back today, so at least we can afford to do it now. I also need to take my car in to the dealer--it smells like gas in the cabin, so I always have to have a window cracked. Allen says it's something about the air intake valve . . . whatever. I also had a rattling, which I believe was part of a panel cover on the bottom of my car. I think it broke when I hit something a few weeks ago (I'm pretty sure it was a cat, who came out of nowhere on a very dark night, though I never did find a carcass). Anyway, it would tap-tap-tap when I would drive more than 30mph, until I was on I-15 one day and I think it broke off. I don't think there's a problem, but I should probably get it checked out anyway.
(Update: 30min later, and the surgery is done. I went in to help clean up, and now I'm back here at the front desk. Now I just have to hang out until 11pm. Not my favorite, but hey--getting paid to blog is pretty sweet.)
I meant to do a month-by-month recap of 2011. We'll see how well I remember last year.
January: I had my tonsils out in late December (by cute Dr. Dahl . . . LOVE HIM!), so I took a few days off in the beginning of the year. I turned 32, and Benjamin was diagnosed with Autism. Worked full-time at PCMC-Riverton.
February: Benjamin turned 3. He started preschool at Upland Terrace Elementary. Worked full-time @ PC-R. Released as Primary Chorister, called as Relief Society Pianist.
March: Allen turned 38. Worked full-time @ PC-R.
April: Easter. I can't remember much else.
May: U2 concert! There were a couple of live internet broadcasts of other U2 shows that I listened to (and danced around to while Benji destroyed the kitchen). Memorial Day. Baby Zeke was born. I dislocated my right shoulder. I worked full-time until that incident. School finished for Benji.
June: Weather was gorgeous--a late Spring. Spent a night in Coalville. Had shoulder surgery. Off work (I couldn't with my injury): short-term disability. Started watching "Signing Time" videos with the boy.
July: Lots of family activities, which I was actually able to attend since I was off work. Granny's 80th Birthday shindig. Grandmother visited. Started physical therapy (2x/week). Final Harry Potter movie. Off work.
August: Continued physical therapy. Took vacation to California on the last week of my leave. Went back to work @ PC-R on August 15. Benji started preschool again, this time @ Lincoln Elementary. Allen would take him to school in the mornings, pick him up, and drop him off at Lynndi's (our babysitter) while he napped. Allen worked 7pm-4am. I would pick him up from Lynndi's when I got off work.
September: Continued physical therapy. Worked full-time @ PC-R.
October: Completed (graduated from) physical therapy. Started to sing in BWAS Choir (rehearsals every Sunday). NFHP in Logan. Worked full-time @ PC-R. Applied for and hired for full-time position at IMC. Martine passed away.
November: Worked full-time @ PC-R until 11/11. Started full-time at IMC on 11/14, working day-shift (except for holidays). BWAS Choir Practices, auditioned for solo (rejected, thankfully). Learned about Cruise @ Mia-punzle's birthday party. Thanksgiving. Black Friday shopping with Peggy.
December: Worked full-time days @ IMC, orienting to Neuro, Robot, Spines, etc. Allen's schedule changed to 4am-1pm mid-month, in anticipation of mine changing at the beginning of the year. Allen's mother Tollene came out to stay with us while our schedules overlapped. She slept on the couch and stayed with us from December 11 until January 3. NFCP. BWAS Choir Concerts @ Libby Gardner Hall on 12/20 and 12/21. Christmas. New Years Party.
Well, that was the year in a nutshell. I think most of that was covered in individual blog entries, though I know I missed some big events. I took lots of pictures, but not all of them made it to the blog.
If I had to use one word for the year, it would probably be "painful." My shoulder hurt, and I had to sleep on the couch all summer. Physical Therapy hurt. Losing Martine hurt. Leaving PC-Riverton hurt. But there were a lot of good things about 2011 too: spending the summer with my boy (even if lifting him and changing him and bathing him with one arm hurt), spending time with family and friends, singing in the choir, etc.
There is a lot to be grateful for. I'm grateful I only had a calling as the R.S. Pianist--anything else would have been too much for me to deal with. Plus, I can usually keep it together when I'm playing. If I'm singing, I'm pretty liable to cry (like I did nearly every week in the choir). I am grateful I have a job where I can get my hours without having to use all my PTO or being sent home early (I have about 90 hours saved up now! It has been a LONG time since I have had that many!). I'm grateful Benji is in school at Lincoln--he seems to be learning a lot more with his new teacher. I'm grateful I get to take a nap while Benji is in school. I'm grateful Tollene was able and willing to stay with us in December--having her here was so nice. I'm grateful for all the time I was able to spend with my family. They are my best friends.
As for the New Year . . . I haven't joined Weight Watchers yet. I still need to. We have been doing a "Cruise to Lose" weight-loss challenge as a family, and although I'm certainly not winning, I am down a few pounds. Most of it came off when I stopped drinking Diet Coke. I am drinking a lot more water and milk these days, but I still miss it. A lot. I think I'll fall off the wagon for the cruise, though I'd rather not go through the withdrawal headaches again. We'll see.
So here's January's recap: New Years party. Started working evenings (3-11pm the first week of the pay period, 11am-11pm the second week on Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday). Sent Tollene home. Benji back in preschool; started taking the school bus. Craft day with the girls on January 16 (Human Rights Day). I turned 33. Read the Hunger Games series. Birthday dinner with Peggy @ The Mandarin. Girls nights with Bethany, Brittany and Allison @ Pizza Factory, and sushi with DeLayna.
And now we're into February. Time really does fly. I can't believe my baby will be four next week. I can't believe how much I have to do for this party! Arrrr! If only I could bring my sewing machine to work. Somehow, I don't think Dusty would approve. ;o)
04 February 2012
30 January 2012
To Teach You About You
Some things I have learned about myself:
Hi. My name is Mary, and I'm addicted to photo editing. It's a problem; I rarely post any pictures on my blog without editing them first. That's one reason why I'm very sad that Picnik is closing up shop. I seriously use Picnik all the time--it's easy, intuitive, and totally worth $25/year for all of the cool things it can do to photos. They were bought out by Google last year, and I don't know what the future holds for Picnik, there are some effects and editing properties in Google + that are Picnik-based. Even so, it's not the same. I don't know where I'm going to get my fix now. I have been thinking about getting Lightroom, which is quite popular with professional photographers. We'll see.
I like sushi. I had only tried it once before last year, and that was at a seedy drive-through sushi place (which has since closed) about 5 years ago. I ordered a California Roll and had no idea what to expect. I thought it was nasty, and since then, I hadn't even tried. When we went to California for vaycay last year, we took our friend Dom out for sushi. Uh, DELICIOUS. Of course, I didn't realize that you are supposed to eat each piece in one bite, so I totally got soy sauce all over my white shirt. *sigh* So I do the bite-size thing now, and I can even use chopsticks (not very well, but it is possible!).
I'm not the same person I was a couple of years ago. I'm not sure that I'm better (probably not, honestly), but I am different. I was doing some ortho the other day at work, and the nurse I was working with said, "This isn't the same Mary" (i.e., I have changed since I worked at IMC before). It's true; I used to be very apologetic when I didn't know what I was doing during surgery; now I'm more of a 'you-get-what-you-get' kind of girl. I'm not an expert in any particular specialty; I just do a little bit of everything (except CV). So, while I may be weaker in some areas, I can hold my own in most everything else. Plus, I still remember when Dr. Van Der Werf asked me to stop apologizing. Uh, yeah. Anyway, I guess I'm a little more confident in my abilities, or maybe I'm just better at defending myself and what I need (i.e., I'm not embarrassed to ask the surgeon to help me do something I'm not sure of). To be honest, I think working at Primary's made me <i>harder</i>, if anything. I had to learn to be tougher in surgery, or I would have cried even more than I did (which was too often).
I like action movies, <i>as long as there's a plot.</i> One of my favorite movies from last year was Super 8. I love J.J. Abrams: he's a brilliant director. His stories have fantastic plots that make you think. And his action sequences: WOW. I also love that he has his favorite actors, who he keeps bringing back into his other projects, like Alias, Lost, Star Trek, Heroes, etc. I've never watched Lost, because it will be another thing that I won't be able to stop once I start, and I can't invest in that much time yet.
I love reading. I forgot how much I enjoy it, because I haven't had much time to do it lately. Being back at IMC, I have had some time to read (it's the slow time of year), and it's so nice. I actually read an InStyle magazine from cover to cover yesterday--do you know how long it has been since I have done that? A LONG time. (Don't worry--I always have my vocera, so I'm always available to work; I'm not THAT big of a slacker!) I have read five books this month. Crazy, right? Of course, three of those were the Hunger Games series, and I literally could not put them down. Thankfully they were relatively quick reads--I only had to stay up until 3am to finish them.
So there's a few things about me. What about you?
Hi. My name is Mary, and I'm addicted to photo editing. It's a problem; I rarely post any pictures on my blog without editing them first. That's one reason why I'm very sad that Picnik is closing up shop. I seriously use Picnik all the time--it's easy, intuitive, and totally worth $25/year for all of the cool things it can do to photos. They were bought out by Google last year, and I don't know what the future holds for Picnik, there are some effects and editing properties in Google + that are Picnik-based. Even so, it's not the same. I don't know where I'm going to get my fix now. I have been thinking about getting Lightroom, which is quite popular with professional photographers. We'll see.
I like sushi. I had only tried it once before last year, and that was at a seedy drive-through sushi place (which has since closed) about 5 years ago. I ordered a California Roll and had no idea what to expect. I thought it was nasty, and since then, I hadn't even tried. When we went to California for vaycay last year, we took our friend Dom out for sushi. Uh, DELICIOUS. Of course, I didn't realize that you are supposed to eat each piece in one bite, so I totally got soy sauce all over my white shirt. *sigh* So I do the bite-size thing now, and I can even use chopsticks (not very well, but it is possible!).
I'm not the same person I was a couple of years ago. I'm not sure that I'm better (probably not, honestly), but I am different. I was doing some ortho the other day at work, and the nurse I was working with said, "This isn't the same Mary" (i.e., I have changed since I worked at IMC before). It's true; I used to be very apologetic when I didn't know what I was doing during surgery; now I'm more of a 'you-get-what-you-get' kind of girl. I'm not an expert in any particular specialty; I just do a little bit of everything (except CV). So, while I may be weaker in some areas, I can hold my own in most everything else. Plus, I still remember when Dr. Van Der Werf asked me to stop apologizing. Uh, yeah. Anyway, I guess I'm a little more confident in my abilities, or maybe I'm just better at defending myself and what I need (i.e., I'm not embarrassed to ask the surgeon to help me do something I'm not sure of). To be honest, I think working at Primary's made me <i>harder</i>, if anything. I had to learn to be tougher in surgery, or I would have cried even more than I did (which was too often).
I like action movies, <i>as long as there's a plot.</i> One of my favorite movies from last year was Super 8. I love J.J. Abrams: he's a brilliant director. His stories have fantastic plots that make you think. And his action sequences: WOW. I also love that he has his favorite actors, who he keeps bringing back into his other projects, like Alias, Lost, Star Trek, Heroes, etc. I've never watched Lost, because it will be another thing that I won't be able to stop once I start, and I can't invest in that much time yet.
I love reading. I forgot how much I enjoy it, because I haven't had much time to do it lately. Being back at IMC, I have had some time to read (it's the slow time of year), and it's so nice. I actually read an InStyle magazine from cover to cover yesterday--do you know how long it has been since I have done that? A LONG time. (Don't worry--I always have my vocera, so I'm always available to work; I'm not THAT big of a slacker!) I have read five books this month. Crazy, right? Of course, three of those were the Hunger Games series, and I literally could not put them down. Thankfully they were relatively quick reads--I only had to stay up until 3am to finish them.
So there's a few things about me. What about you?
06 January 2012
Something to Remember
Well, one good thing about having given up Diet Coke: I have ankles again. I had permanent cankles because of water retention, so it's nice to see some bone again. That may be the ONLY good thing about it, because I really miss it. Anyone who knows me knows that I am seriously addicted to Diet Coke. I gave it up as a New Year's resolution, and although I'm notoriously bad at keeping resolutions, I have kept it up for 5 days now. I have been drinking more water, so I guess that is good, too.
I wanted to do a 2011 year-in-review, since I haven't written too much about the end of the year anyway. I got these questions from a socialist website, but I liked them anyway.
1. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, my friend Martine Houmeau, and my friend Dustin Hulett. One expected, one out of the blue, and both very sad. Rest in peace, mes amis.
2. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Will power. Organization. Money. Follow-through.
3. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Hearing Benjamin talk.
4. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My boy's. He may be a handful, but he learned and progressed so much. I'm very proud of him.
5. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
This is a socialist question. Glenn Beck made their list; I don't really have anyone I can say "appalled" me. I was surprised that Kim Kardashian's marriage lasted only 72 days, but that wasn't really depressing.
6. Where did most of your money go?
Bills. Medical, phone, cards, services, etc. They just keep coming.
7. Compared to this time last year, are you richer or poorer?
Poorer. I'm really bad with money management (another non-specific resolution is to spend less). Going back to IMC has cut my commute time drastically, so I am seeing some savings in gas money. That's nice.
8. What did you wish you’d done more of?
Exercising. Enjoying my afternoons. Traveling.
9. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Going shopping after work. It was just so easy to leave early and stop by the District on my way home.
10. What was the best book you read?
Probably U2 by U2 (don't hate!). I loved reading their story in their own words. I learned a lot about my favorite Irishmen, and I laughed at many of the pictures. Bono describes his hairstyle in the early 80's as wearing a porcupine on his head. Plus, I associate the reading of that book with an important day in Coalville.
11. What did you want and get?
A summer vacation.
12. What did you want and not get?
Not to be gimpy throughout said summer vacation. I actually had about 12 weeks off work, but many of those were spent with my arm in a sling, and almost all of it was spent sleeping on our ridiculously uncomfortable couch.
13. What was your favorite film of the year?
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2. What can I say? I'm a fan.
14. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More money!!
15. What kept you sane?
U2. I spent a lot of time listening to them, reading about them, watching their videos, attending their concert (which was INCREDIBLE), etc. They provide a major portion to the soundtrack of my life. I have to give an honorable mention to the "Because We Also Sing" choir. Even though I'm not very good, I do love singing, and the rehearsals were just what I needed to forget about everything else for a while and just enjoy creating beautiful music.
16. Who did you miss?
Joyce. Susan. Those people who are written on my heart, but who have forgotten about me.
17. Did you know anybody who got married?
My second cousin Katherine. My entire family was excluded from anything having to do with her wedding, and Sarah was actively disinvited from going. I have to say I was a little offended; their family may be rich, but I thought they were more down-to-earth than that.
18. Did you move anywhere?
Nope.
19. What pop culture event will you remember 2011 by?
In MY life, probably the U2 concert. It was "epic" (I think that's the word of the year, no?). In the world-view, the Harry Potter movie franchise coming to an end, Breaking Dawn (which I still haven't seen), Amy Winehouse, end of the war in Iraq, etc.
20. Quote a song lyric that sums up 2011.
I think that the song of the year would have to be Adele's "Rolling In The Deep." I know I'm not the only one who loves it, and it spent several weeks at #1 on every chart there is. So I think it's appropriate to quote her:
Throw your soul through every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold
You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow
I can appreciate the Glee version of many popular songs (like "Friday"--infinitely better!), but I haven't found any version of RITD that I like as well as Adele's original. Enjoy.
And there you have it: 2011 in a nutshell. I should probably do a month-by-month recap as well, but this will suffice for now. I hope your 2011 was something to remember.
I wanted to do a 2011 year-in-review, since I haven't written too much about the end of the year anyway. I got these questions from a socialist website, but I liked them anyway.
1. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, my friend Martine Houmeau, and my friend Dustin Hulett. One expected, one out of the blue, and both very sad. Rest in peace, mes amis.
2. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Will power. Organization. Money. Follow-through.
3. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Hearing Benjamin talk.
4. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My boy's. He may be a handful, but he learned and progressed so much. I'm very proud of him.
5. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
This is a socialist question. Glenn Beck made their list; I don't really have anyone I can say "appalled" me. I was surprised that Kim Kardashian's marriage lasted only 72 days, but that wasn't really depressing.
6. Where did most of your money go?
Bills. Medical, phone, cards, services, etc. They just keep coming.
7. Compared to this time last year, are you richer or poorer?
Poorer. I'm really bad with money management (another non-specific resolution is to spend less). Going back to IMC has cut my commute time drastically, so I am seeing some savings in gas money. That's nice.
8. What did you wish you’d done more of?
Exercising. Enjoying my afternoons. Traveling.
9. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Going shopping after work. It was just so easy to leave early and stop by the District on my way home.
10. What was the best book you read?
Probably U2 by U2 (don't hate!). I loved reading their story in their own words. I learned a lot about my favorite Irishmen, and I laughed at many of the pictures. Bono describes his hairstyle in the early 80's as wearing a porcupine on his head. Plus, I associate the reading of that book with an important day in Coalville.
11. What did you want and get?
A summer vacation.
12. What did you want and not get?
Not to be gimpy throughout said summer vacation. I actually had about 12 weeks off work, but many of those were spent with my arm in a sling, and almost all of it was spent sleeping on our ridiculously uncomfortable couch.
13. What was your favorite film of the year?
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2. What can I say? I'm a fan.
14. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More money!!
15. What kept you sane?
U2. I spent a lot of time listening to them, reading about them, watching their videos, attending their concert (which was INCREDIBLE), etc. They provide a major portion to the soundtrack of my life. I have to give an honorable mention to the "Because We Also Sing" choir. Even though I'm not very good, I do love singing, and the rehearsals were just what I needed to forget about everything else for a while and just enjoy creating beautiful music.
16. Who did you miss?
Joyce. Susan. Those people who are written on my heart, but who have forgotten about me.
17. Did you know anybody who got married?
My second cousin Katherine. My entire family was excluded from anything having to do with her wedding, and Sarah was actively disinvited from going. I have to say I was a little offended; their family may be rich, but I thought they were more down-to-earth than that.
18. Did you move anywhere?
Nope.
19. What pop culture event will you remember 2011 by?
In MY life, probably the U2 concert. It was "epic" (I think that's the word of the year, no?). In the world-view, the Harry Potter movie franchise coming to an end, Breaking Dawn (which I still haven't seen), Amy Winehouse, end of the war in Iraq, etc.
20. Quote a song lyric that sums up 2011.
I think that the song of the year would have to be Adele's "Rolling In The Deep." I know I'm not the only one who loves it, and it spent several weeks at #1 on every chart there is. So I think it's appropriate to quote her:
Throw your soul through every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold
You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow
I can appreciate the Glee version of many popular songs (like "Friday"--infinitely better!), but I haven't found any version of RITD that I like as well as Adele's original. Enjoy.
And there you have it: 2011 in a nutshell. I should probably do a month-by-month recap as well, but this will suffice for now. I hope your 2011 was something to remember.
02 January 2012
Nothing Changes on New Year's Day
I cannot believe how quickly last year went. I look at my Benji and realize how much he has grown, how his little face has matured, and I just wonder at the time flying by.
I started my blog four years ago, just before he was born, and while it's certainly not a complete record of the happenings in our family (uh, like Christmas!?), it's the closest thing I have. It's also my {public} journal, so I do write a lot about myself. It helps me communicate and clarify and congeal my thoughts. There's a lot I want to say, and even if nobody reads it, at least it is there for me. This is my blog; I don't really write for anybody else, though I do like to share pictures and events with my family and friends. Maybe Benjamin will appreciate it one day. Maybe not. We shall see.
So last year's resolutions were a total failure. Unlike my cute cousin Sharon, I have not kept track of percentages or anything of the like. I can tell you that I did not accomplish anything on my list. I did try, but I gave up on most of them partway through the year. I understand the necessity of goal-setting and making your goals S.M.A.R.T. (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timely). But knowing myself, I can tell you right now that I'm not going to be able to do it that way. I need to create baby-step goals: I am so busy trying to keep everything else afloat that I can't make a list and check things off as they are achieved. That's discouraging to me, and I just give up, because I don't think I'm worth putting the time and effort into whatever goal I may be working on.
Honestly, that's how it has been with my weight. I have always struggled with it, and I know what I need to do (there's no substitute for diet and exercise), but I have never felt that working on me is something worthwhile. Why put so much work into something I don't love? I am fiercely dedicated to the people and ideas and things I do love, but I don't love myself. I never have. In fact, I actively hate most of my body (the things I can control) most of the time. I'm not writing this because I want your sympathy; I am writing to help you understand where I'm coming from, and how I got to where I am.
I know I am expressly disobeying a commandment of Jesus Christ, who said: "Thou shalt blove thy cneighbour as thyself" (Matthew 19:19). I have always found it easier to love other people. This part of myself I can trace back to a single point in time: it had been building up for a while, but when I heard this song, it crystallized for me. It was at one of my first real concerts--I went to see Sarah McLachlan (by myself) at the E Center in November 1997. I don't remember who her opening act was, but this gal sang a Jim Croce song entitled "Nobody Loves a Fat Girl." The lyrics say, "Nobody loves a fat girl, But oh how a fat girl can love." Those two lines have lived in my head ever since. I have always tried to love and respect others, all the while knowing that no one would ever love me. That's one reason why I got married so quickly (3 months from first date to wedding): I didn't think anybody else would ever want to marry me.
Yes, I see the fallacies in that thinking. I know my family loves me, I know my Savior loves me, and I think my husband loves me (though I'm not sure my heart will ever really believe it). I have friends who support me and who are happy to hear from me, but none of it's really real. I can love, but I don't feel loved. Maybe I did as a child, but as an adult I never have, and I never expect to. That's just something I live with, and it's normal to me to be "dead inside." I can, however, be happy spending time with the people I love. One does not exclude the other, though I admit they do influence each other at times.
I probably shouldn't publish this, especially with my blog not being private anymore. I should let it be a permanent draft, like some other intensely personal entries. This started out as an entry about New Year's Resolutions, and it turned into a confessional. Well, I guess I will, with a small hope that no one will read it, and those who do won't make a big deal about it.
As far as goals go, I am going to lose weight this year. I never expect to be thin, and I'm sure I'll never be beautiful, but it is time to put some work into me. I physically can't keep up with my boy, so that is my main goal: to become healthier for him. He deserves a mother who can play with him, teach him by example and be good to him. I will try to do that, at least.
I started my blog four years ago, just before he was born, and while it's certainly not a complete record of the happenings in our family (uh, like Christmas!?), it's the closest thing I have. It's also my {public} journal, so I do write a lot about myself. It helps me communicate and clarify and congeal my thoughts. There's a lot I want to say, and even if nobody reads it, at least it is there for me. This is my blog; I don't really write for anybody else, though I do like to share pictures and events with my family and friends. Maybe Benjamin will appreciate it one day. Maybe not. We shall see.
So last year's resolutions were a total failure. Unlike my cute cousin Sharon, I have not kept track of percentages or anything of the like. I can tell you that I did not accomplish anything on my list. I did try, but I gave up on most of them partway through the year. I understand the necessity of goal-setting and making your goals S.M.A.R.T. (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timely). But knowing myself, I can tell you right now that I'm not going to be able to do it that way. I need to create baby-step goals: I am so busy trying to keep everything else afloat that I can't make a list and check things off as they are achieved. That's discouraging to me, and I just give up, because I don't think I'm worth putting the time and effort into whatever goal I may be working on.
Honestly, that's how it has been with my weight. I have always struggled with it, and I know what I need to do (there's no substitute for diet and exercise), but I have never felt that working on me is something worthwhile. Why put so much work into something I don't love? I am fiercely dedicated to the people and ideas and things I do love, but I don't love myself. I never have. In fact, I actively hate most of my body (the things I can control) most of the time. I'm not writing this because I want your sympathy; I am writing to help you understand where I'm coming from, and how I got to where I am.
I know I am expressly disobeying a commandment of Jesus Christ, who said: "Thou shalt blove thy cneighbour as thyself" (Matthew 19:19). I have always found it easier to love other people. This part of myself I can trace back to a single point in time: it had been building up for a while, but when I heard this song, it crystallized for me. It was at one of my first real concerts--I went to see Sarah McLachlan (by myself) at the E Center in November 1997. I don't remember who her opening act was, but this gal sang a Jim Croce song entitled "Nobody Loves a Fat Girl." The lyrics say, "Nobody loves a fat girl, But oh how a fat girl can love." Those two lines have lived in my head ever since. I have always tried to love and respect others, all the while knowing that no one would ever love me. That's one reason why I got married so quickly (3 months from first date to wedding): I didn't think anybody else would ever want to marry me.
Yes, I see the fallacies in that thinking. I know my family loves me, I know my Savior loves me, and I think my husband loves me (though I'm not sure my heart will ever really believe it). I have friends who support me and who are happy to hear from me, but none of it's really real. I can love, but I don't feel loved. Maybe I did as a child, but as an adult I never have, and I never expect to. That's just something I live with, and it's normal to me to be "dead inside." I can, however, be happy spending time with the people I love. One does not exclude the other, though I admit they do influence each other at times.
I probably shouldn't publish this, especially with my blog not being private anymore. I should let it be a permanent draft, like some other intensely personal entries. This started out as an entry about New Year's Resolutions, and it turned into a confessional. Well, I guess I will, with a small hope that no one will read it, and those who do won't make a big deal about it.
As far as goals go, I am going to lose weight this year. I never expect to be thin, and I'm sure I'll never be beautiful, but it is time to put some work into me. I physically can't keep up with my boy, so that is my main goal: to become healthier for him. He deserves a mother who can play with him, teach him by example and be good to him. I will try to do that, at least.
28 December 2011
Times on Lincoln Avenue
Hello, friends. It has been a while, because I have been SO BUSY. Christmas was an absolute whirlwind, and I can't believe this year is almost over. I'll try to post some pictures of the events, but just so you know--it may not happen. Life is flying by, with hardly a chance to breathe, let alone write anything meaningful about what is happening.
Some of you may be wondering why I changed my blog address. Well, I have been considering it for some time. I kind-of like the anonymity of a random street name, versus "Mary's Magical Mellifluous Musings" (plus, it's easier to remember). Several months ago, I even found a Lincoln Avenue (in Ogden) and took a picture of it to become my blog header, but I don't know where it is now. You'll see it eventually. Currently, my blog is public, and I'm not entirely comfortable with that. I'll let you know if I decide to make it private again, in which case my two readers will receive an invitation. Until then, enjoy reading about my making a fool out of myself in front of the entire world.
Another reason for the name change: since most of my blog references music in some way (all of my blog entries and subtitles are lines from songs, etc.), I thought the blog name should reflect that as well. Lincoln Avenue is one of my favorite songs from Train, from the "My Private Nation" (one of my all-time favorite albums). So much of the song just fits me, my work (how many songs have the word "operations" in them?), how I feel about certain people, and where my life is right now. Okay, not just right now, but for several years, actually. This does feel like the place between being ready and being in the way.
Here's a random YouTube video with the song and mostly correct lyrics. Enjoy.
Lyrics | TRAIN - LINCOLN AVENUE LYRICS
Well I guess this is where I left my life
And all its operations
And I know that I will never get this twice
With all negotiations
This feels like the place between what is and might have been
So I guess this is where we both find out
If this was meant to be
And I'll tell myself, I don't need you
I'll tell myself enough to get me through
But I'll finally show you how I should have been being with you every day
If you can take a little more
Now it takes me back to times on Lincoln Avenue
When you said you'd never get tired of the boy
That seemed to be so far from growing up
But we were different then
This feels like the place between being ready and being in the way
And I'll tell myself, I don't need you
I'll tell myself enough to get me through
But I'll finally show you how I should have been being with you every day
If you can wait a little more
This feels like the time that I'm ready for you
Are you ready for me
'Cause I'll tell myself I'll make it through
I'll tell myself anything to get over you
And I won't blame you but I'm finally ready to show you
That I'm ready to show you, I'm ready to show you, yeah
I'll tell myself that I never needed anybody anyway, but anyway
I need you
I need you now
I need you now
I'm ready now
So that's it. Now you have another piece to the puzzle. More to come, mes amis.
Some of you may be wondering why I changed my blog address. Well, I have been considering it for some time. I kind-of like the anonymity of a random street name, versus "Mary's Magical Mellifluous Musings" (plus, it's easier to remember). Several months ago, I even found a Lincoln Avenue (in Ogden) and took a picture of it to become my blog header, but I don't know where it is now. You'll see it eventually. Currently, my blog is public, and I'm not entirely comfortable with that. I'll let you know if I decide to make it private again, in which case my two readers will receive an invitation. Until then, enjoy reading about my making a fool out of myself in front of the entire world.
Another reason for the name change: since most of my blog references music in some way (all of my blog entries and subtitles are lines from songs, etc.), I thought the blog name should reflect that as well. Lincoln Avenue is one of my favorite songs from Train, from the "My Private Nation" (one of my all-time favorite albums). So much of the song just fits me, my work (how many songs have the word "operations" in them?), how I feel about certain people, and where my life is right now. Okay, not just right now, but for several years, actually. This does feel like the place between being ready and being in the way.
Here's a random YouTube video with the song and mostly correct lyrics. Enjoy.
Lyrics | TRAIN - LINCOLN AVENUE LYRICS
Well I guess this is where I left my life
And all its operations
And I know that I will never get this twice
With all negotiations
This feels like the place between what is and might have been
So I guess this is where we both find out
If this was meant to be
And I'll tell myself, I don't need you
I'll tell myself enough to get me through
But I'll finally show you how I should have been being with you every day
If you can take a little more
Now it takes me back to times on Lincoln Avenue
When you said you'd never get tired of the boy
That seemed to be so far from growing up
But we were different then
This feels like the place between being ready and being in the way
And I'll tell myself, I don't need you
I'll tell myself enough to get me through
But I'll finally show you how I should have been being with you every day
If you can wait a little more
This feels like the time that I'm ready for you
Are you ready for me
'Cause I'll tell myself I'll make it through
I'll tell myself anything to get over you
And I won't blame you but I'm finally ready to show you
That I'm ready to show you, I'm ready to show you, yeah
I'll tell myself that I never needed anybody anyway, but anyway
I need you
I need you now
I need you now
I'm ready now
So that's it. Now you have another piece to the puzzle. More to come, mes amis.
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