You Can't Always Get What You Want

I should be doing my education.  Or reading my book.  Or doing something more productive {like my education modules}, but I'm at work, it's 9:55pm, and we don't have any cases going right now.  Don't worry--I put in my time . . . working with Dr. Hill and Dr. Bishoff in one day {either I'm really unlucky or God is punishing me}.  I think it all balances out in the end; some days are insane and you don't get to sit at all, and others are kinda slow.  We have been relatively busy in the evenings lately, so I don't feel too bad about blogging while at work.

I haven't written much for a while, being busy with work and stuff.  Plus I have been sick for the past few weeks.  I'm getting better, but now Benji and Allen have it.  And Benji probably won't be able to go back to school until next week because of it, so we'll have to figure out babysitting and all of that.  It's such a pain; it makes me wonder if working the 12-hour shifts is worth it.  I really don't want to work five days per week {it would be 3pm-11pm}, but it may have to happen in the fall anyway, because of Benji's school situation {which we still know nothing about}.

I have been to a couple of concerts, though.  I went to see Phillip Phillips with Allison, Cameron and Dawson at UCCU.  It was okay; it seemed like more of a jam session than a concert.  He may be an
American Idol, but he only has one solid hit under his belt {"Home"} and another song playing on the radio {"Gone, Gone, Gone" which I love!}, but only one album.  Now, if you're new on the music scene, and have one album out, you should be expected to play the entire album, right?  He didn't.  He played a few of his songs, a few covers, and there was a lot of instrumental.  That may be fun for the musicians, but it doesn't keep the energy up at a concert.  Sorry!  He saved "Home" for last, and that was great--the energy was awesome.  And his encore was "Thriller" {a Michael Jackson cover . . . because nothing endears you to fans faster than playing other peoples' songs, right?}.  So he ended strong, but that was definitely not the best concert I have been to.  Churchill opened for him, and I actually liked them a lot.  Check out their video for the song "Change."  Good stuff, right there.

Phillip Phillips

I also went to see Train again last week.  The new {underwhelming} Microsoft store was opening at City Creek, and in order to get a crowd for the ribbon cutting, they had to bribe people with tickets to see Train.  Microsoft has been doing this with their other stores, with some pretty big names--Kelly Clarkson, Blake Shelton, etc.  I'm glad they had Train come here.  I got to the store about 8am to wait in line and I was still able to get an orange sparkly wristband {which got me into the "Meet and Greet"}.  I got another wristband, which was destined for Allison, until she found out the concert was at 2pm.  She was free in the evening, but couldn't make it in the afternoon.  Neither could any of the other people I asked, so . . . I went by myself.  Again.  I enjoyed it, because I like the band and I know many of their songs.  I wish I had gotten to the Gallivan Center earlier, to get a spot closer to the stage.  But, as it turned out, there were not a lot of people there.  It was fairly exclusive, so I still got to park underneath {one thing I LOVE about the Gallivan Center as a venue}, and I also got a standing spot on the cement.  None of my pictures turned out very well, and it was raining on and off the whole time.  But I did get funneled through the Microsoft Media Machine to get a picture taken with some random people {not enough time to get one of just me with the band, and personal photography was not allowed}.  I'm not particularly proud of this picture, but it was cool to see them again up close, even if it was for all of 20 seconds.  BTW--Scott the drummer {the blonde guy next to me} is pretty. dang. hot.  And yes, I hugged Pat Monahan.  Woo!

Me and some random people with Train at the Gallivan Center for Microsoft Store opening

As far as concerts go, it was pretty good.  For "Bruises," they had the cutest little 8-year-old girl sing the duet.  She knew all the words, and Pat was so great with her.  It was really nice that there weren't opening acts to sit through, they sounded great and it wasn't too hot.  I usually try to keep a list of songs played with my handy-dandy Evernote app, but I forgot to get it started right away.  I think I got most of the songs, though not necessarily in order.

50 Ways to Say Goodbye

I Got You

Don't Stop Believing {Journey cover}

Walk on the Wild Side {Lou Reed cover}

Meet Virginia

If It's Love

You Can't Always Get What You Want {Rolling Stones cover}/Calling All Angels

Save Me, San Francisco

Mermaid/Could You Be Loved {Bob Marley cover}

Bruises

Marry Me

Everyday People {Sly And The Family Stone cover}

Hey Soul Sister/We Are Young {fun. cover}

Drive By

Encore: Drops of Jupiter

Anyway, I'm glad I went--I really do like Train.  I feel guilty about it, though because my priorities are a little messed up.  I put the concert ahead of the needs of my family . . . sorry, Dave.  I'm a very selfish person.  I'm not proud of it, but it is what it is.

I guess I should have written this post for "Musical Monday."  Oh well. Right now I need to go to sleep so I can go volunteer at the Consignment Sale in the morning, and I need to figure out what I'm going to do with Benji since he's too sick to be in school, and I need to volunteer so I can go to the pre-sale tomorrow evening and buy clothes for said boy.  My life is a weather-worn map of twisting roads paved with good intentions. 

Is This My Life?

I'm struggling.  I want to write.  There is so much I want to do; I have been getting sucked into huge time-wasters like television {The Following and Revolution are so good!} and video games {just one--Monsters Run on the iPad, but I felt the need to beat all of the levels}, and the important stuff {cleaning, blogging, preparing church lessons, etc.} falls to the side.

I also want to be a good mom, but I'm just not.  Here are some actual quotes of things I have said to Benji today {he is out of school for Spring Break, and I didn't have to work today}.

• "Good morning, naked boy."
• "Please don't chew on the toilet seat!"
• "Don't eat the flash drive!"
• "The iPad is not for spinning."
• "Why did you pee in Mommy's bed?"
• "Your shirt does not go on your feet."
• "You don't need another shower--you have had two already."
• "You don't have to touch everything!"
• {After knocking over a whole shelf of hair mousse at Target} "That was totally unnecessary!"
• "Turn around and sit on the toilet like a normal boy!"

Those are just examples.  Today was a hard day; I have been trying to have him dress himself, but he won't pay attention.  He'll be looking around when he's supposed to be putting his legs in his pants, so he puts them on backwards or both legs in the same hole, so we do it over and over again.  He is so sweet and so frustrating and so predictable and so difficult.  He has been pretty good about asking for things, and we have been trying to get him to use complete sentences.  He has "want, please" down; it's the other words that get mixed up.  He used to refer to everything as "Skittles," but now he asks {almost exclusively} for the iPad.  I was trying to get him to ask for banana bread today, and I would have accepted "bread," "snack," etc.  This is our conversation:

Benji:  "Pwease . . . want . . . pwease . . . want."

Me: "I want . . ."

B: "Pwease."

M:  "What do you want?"

B:  "Whaayouwant?"  {repeating what I said, or echolalia}

M:  "I want . . ."

B:  "Want . . . iPad . . . pwease."

M:  "This is not an iPad.  This is banana bread.  Say 'bread.'"

B:  "Bread."

M:  "Good.  Bread.  Now say, 'I want bread please.'"

B:  "Want . . . iPad . . . pwease . . . bread . . . pwease . . . want."

Eventually I would give in when he got close enough.  Just the fact that he is communicating what he wants is huge.  I need to keep that in perspective.

The thing is, I have to remind myself {constantly} of perspective.  I'm always having to step back and remember the basics: I chose this.  I always wanted to be a mother.  He won't always be this needy.  But I also have to balance that with the guilt that doesn't ever really go away.  I should be spending more time with him.  I'm too selfish.  I need to be more patient.  

Actually, today {April 2nd} is Autism Awareness Day.  I didn't do anything for it, just like I didn't do anything for April Fool's Day {yesterday} or for Easter {two days ago}.  And there's more guilt: I want to be a cute mom who makes a big deal about holidays and makes traditions for her family.   I didn't even get Benji a basket.  

I feel like such a slacker, and such a bad mother.  Perspective, I know.  It's hard to keep when you feel like an utter failure all the time.  I'm grateful Benji is so absorbed in his own world, so he doesn't see just how crappy a mother I really am.

I know, God doesn't send you any trials you can't handle . . . He sends children with special needs to strong parents, blah, blah, blah.  I get that.  Perspective.  But sometimes I just want to say "screw it."  Yeah, to stay sane you have to look at the big picture.  But right now, it sucks.  Benji didn't get back into Pingree next year, so he'll have to go back to the public schools, and kindergarten will most likely be a half-day instead of the full-day he is currently getting.  That sucks.  Big time.  I'm probably going to have to change my work schedule to 3-11pm, five days per week.  I can see the next year of my life being sucked away, which really helps with the depression situation. 

Sorry for the venting; I'm just frustrated.  I love my boy.  I love him more than anything or anyone else on earth.  It's just really hard.  There's so much I want to do with my life, but it is all I can do to try to hold on to my sanity while attempting to be a decent parent.  I'm certainly not succeeding at any of it.

*sigh*

Perspective.

Thank You For Being A Friend

Sorry for the absence of late; party planning kinda took over my life for the past month or so.  Then there's the party-recovery period, which is finally coming to an end.  I got really stressed out about all of it {and, admittedly, the past few insanely cold winter months may not have been the best time to stop taking my antidepressants}, but life is slowly getting back to normal.  Fortunately, I have been spending a fair amount of time with Peggy, which is very good for the soul.  If we hadn't been mission companions {living together, spending 24/7 together doing missionary work}, I don't know that we would have been friends.  God moves in mysterious ways, and I'm so glad He put us together.  I have needed Peggy in my life.  Actually, everyone needs a Peggy--just trust me on this.

The Stevenson Family, during our marginally successful photo shoot in September 2012.

Anyway, in honor of her 35th birthday today, I'd like to write 35 reasons why I love Peggy.  Each has a story, but you get what you get {and don't throw a fit}.

1.  She sacrificed her mitten for me.

2.  She makes me laugh harder than anybody else on earth.

3.  She is an enigma {for example: it's okay to have a Nascar welcome mat, but it's tacky to bring in a Maverick cup to the 7-Eleven for a refill}.

4.  She lives life by her own rules.

5.  She makes great faces, like the one she made when the boys at Saturday's Waffle put powdered sugar on her gaufre.  And the even better face she made when she dropped said waffle on the ground while trying to shake off the powdered sugar.

Peggy in her Basque-dancing costume

6.  She has the palate of a 6-year-old.  Sophisticated foods are lost on her, and she doesn't like her foods to touch.  Forget about mixed vegetables.

7.  She has such an outgoing personality that everyone thinks they are her best friend.  I can't claim the sole distinction, and I'll admit that sometimes I get a little jealous of the others.  But--she cannot be contained!

8.  Peggy has grand ideas and she loves to create.  She's always throwing some party or planning some get-together or organizing some meeting.  Next up is another Pinterest party!

9.  She has a lot of things on her plate: being a stay-at-home mom to three kids, being PTA president at the elementary school, teaching the young women in church, dealing with crazy family issues {like a brother who is on the run from the U.S. Marshals}, etc.  Despite all of that and more, she would drop everything to help someone in need.  She has done that for me more than once.

10.  She had the nerve to give birth to her first child on MY birthday.  Now she'll never forget it.

11.  I'm not sure if she was too happy about my visiting her in the hospital, but I insisted on meeting all three of her children on the day they were born.

12.  She named her eldest {my birthday buddy} Jack after our mission friend Jack Jason Davis, whom I also love and adore. "Do you see that Mulberry bush?  Start running."

13.  She spelled Elisabeth correctly {the European way!}.

14.  She copied me by naming her youngest Benjamin.  Okay, that was really Scott's doing, but they still copied me. Plus, I got to meet that little friend before she did, with his being in the NICU for a few hours.

15.  She quotes Coolio and BNL in her lessons and talks.

16.  She is Basque, and very proud of it.  She is passing on traditions and the culture to her children, like dancing.

17.  Peggy is pretty much like a sister to me: she has been included in several of our many {world-famous} long e-mail planning chains.

18.  Peggy hates setting goals, but girlfriend gets a lot of stuff done.  For example:

19.  She decided to run the Ragnar race last year, because she wanted to put a sticker on her minivan.  And she did.

20.  She thinks like a jaded cop.

21.  She is always on my side.

22.  She makes her own soap {and her car smells SO GOOD!}.

23.  She will only eat crêpes with strawberry filling; she won't touch Nutella.

24.  She doesn't pretend to be anything she is not, so if she's going to swear at home, she might as well swear in church.

25.  She is waiting for the ban on coffee to be rescinded from the Word of Wisdom.

26.  She is a convert to the LDS church.  She was pretty much anti-Mormon before she started talking to the missionaries, but she knows what she knows, and she's one of the most faithful people I have ever met.

27.  She has a group of friends/followers whom she lovingly calls "Internet Crazies."  She would be a great cult leader {if she were into that kind of thing}.

28. She can franglais with the best of them: mostly English, a few Frenchie quips and phrases, and a hearty disdain for anyone who mispronounces the word crêpe.

29. She is named "Peggysue" and she grew up on a farm in Idaho. Seriously.

30. She has been quite faithful about keeping her eyebrows groomed ever since she let me pluck them for the first time.

31. She humors me by using some of my unprofessional pictures in her home, birth announcements, etc.

32. We harbor a deep love for Pat Benetar (who may or may not have an apartment in Brussels).

33. I introduced her to my favorite radio station, and she still listens to it.

34. She was "saved" when she ate my chocolate cake.

35. It's cheesy, but it is true: Peggy makes the world a brighter place.

Peggy and Jack @ the Living Traditions Festival in May 2012

There's much more, but I'll stop there.  Peggy is one of my most favorite people in the world, and I'm so blessed to call her my friend.

Merci, ma très chère amie. Je t'aime comme un loup, 

comme un fou, comme l'homme que je ne suis pas.

The Truth About Love

I have been wanting to write . . . I'm so frustrated that I haven't had time!  Benji's party just took over my life, and now that it's over, I need to get Allen's party rolling.  Um, it's in less than a week, and I don't have anything beyond a theme and some fuzzy ideas.  I got some pictures printed for the invitations, but I don't love the way they turned out.  Last week, one of my friends here at work, Paul, asked me how things were going, and I said I was in "Party Planning Hell."  He said, "Well, of all the circles of Hell to be in, that one doesn't sound too bad."  This is true; I'm just totally burned out.

I didn't take many pictures of Benji's birthday party; I was busy trying to put everything together at the last minute.  Since I'm at work tonight, and it's currently 3:49am, I'll share the ones I got later.  Instead, I want to write a little bit about Valentine's Day.

Actually, let me back up.  I want to write a little bit about Jane Austen.  "Pride and Prejudice" was published 200 years ago, which is giving many fans an excuse to re-read her wonderful novels.  I think I have read them all {she only had six published novels}.  I have been meaning to read them again, and I probably will this year.  I have always wanted to be the Elizabeth Bennet character {who wouldn't?  Smart, sassy, self-righteous, pretty, and she marries Mr. Darcy in the end!}, but I have recently come to a different conclusion.

I am Charlotte Lucas.

Of all the characters in P&P, I think I am most like Charlotte.  She is quite plain and practical, and she comes from a good family.  She agrees to marry Mr. Collins after not knowing him for very long {um, overnight?}, and ends up living a quiet, comfortable life in a parsonage.

I am not saying that Allen is Mr. Collins; Allen doesn't really fit into any of the characters in P&P.  It's just that the situations resemble each other.  We didn't take much time to get to know each other before we got married, and the ways we live our lives work in similar fashions.

So, back to Valentine's Day.  I used to call it "Valen-Death Day," or "Single Awareness Day {S.A.D.}."  I like what Jennifer Garner's character said in the movie "Valentine's Day," when asked by McDreamy what there is to hate about the holiday.

"Nothing, if you're a handsome, divorced doctor, but for the rest of us single women, it's kind of a giant cosmic b****slap. It's like the universe saying, look, remember when you were fourteen and you had cystic acne and braces and you played the saxophone in the marching band and no one would invite you to the winter formal? Well nothing's changed."

Yep.  I never had a boyfriend on Valentine's, and then in 2006 I had a husband.  And it was pretty sad to learn that he just didn't care.  I cannot remember his doing anything for me for Valentine's Day.  Maybe some flowers from Costco {certainly not delivered}, maybe going out to dinner.   And then, in 2008, I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy, and Valentine's became all about him.  I have hardly had time to think about it, because I'm so consumed with party planning around this time of year.

All that being said, there's always that hope: that pathetic little voice in the back of your head that hopes you will be the one who receives the ginormous bouquet at work; that someone will tell/show the world in some grand, romantic gesture how lucky they are to have you.  The Charlotte Lucas in me knows that will never happen, and while that doesn't really bother me most of the time, it does on Valentine's Day.

My sister Sarah has quit Facebook, because she would compare her relationship to others. It's true: Facebook is a place where many people brag about how great their lives are, how lucky they are, how much they love their S.O.'s, etc.  My friend Katelyn {a former coworker} is waiting for her boyfriend to come home from serving an LDS mission, and everyday she puts up a countdown and another long reason/story of why they belong together.  It's so sweet I almost get cavities just from reading.

I may have written about this analogy before, but there's also the "Johnny Lingo Effect." Johnny Lingo is a short movie produced by the LDS Church back in 1969.  It's pretty cheesy, but it's definitely part of the Mormon Culture, if you will.

{Adapted from Wikipedia} It's basically about a man who is a shrewd Polynesian trader.  Lingo has come to one island to bargain for a wife. Mahana, the young woman he desires, is considered by her neighbors and even her father to be of little value, sullen, ugly and undesirable. As the bargaining is about to begin, women of the island brag to each other of how many cows their husbands had given for each of them, and comment that Mahana's father will be lucky to see one cow as Lingo's offer. The counselor advises Mahana's father to ask for three cows so that finally, Moki (Mahana's father) will at least get one cow.

The bargaining begins and as the counselor suggested that Moki ask Johnny Lingo three cows. Since this is a public event, everyone laughs, then wait for Lingo to make his counter-offer, certain that he will make a devastating bargain.

Lingo, considering, says that three cows are many . . ."But not enough for my Mahana!" He then offers the unheard-of price of eight cows for her hand in marriage. The next day, the villagers gather at the house of Mahana's father to see the completion of the deal. Some of the islanders say that Lingo reconsidered his deal and would not show up. But Lingo brings the cows. He and Mahana then leave the island on a trading trip.

When they come back, the island storekeeper, everyone is astonished to discover that Mahana is a beautiful, happy woman. Even Mahana's father began accusing Johnny Lingo of cheating him by giving only eight cows for a girl truly worth ten cows. Johnny, her proud husband, had proved to her that her true worth had nothing to do with what others saw, but only what she truly was.

He had made the best bargain of all -- a few cows for a life with the woman that he loved.

I think the closest thing we have to this trade, this 'calculation of a woman's worth' is the size of a woman's diamond on her engagement ring.  How much is your man willing to pay for you?  How much does he think you are worth?

Me?  Nothing.  Allen has never bought me a ring.

He has purchased some jewelry for me, though I don't wear them very often {necklaces are too small and look like chokers, earrings are not my style}.  I have bought a couple of different CZ rings, which are pretty, but ever since I started scrubbing, I haven't worn them.  I'll pull them out every once in a while, but I'm very self-conscious and uncomfortable with wearing them.

Most of the time {like the rest of the year}, I don't care.  I have bought Allen a couple of different rings as well, and he doesn't wear his either.  When we decided to get married, all I wanted was to be done with the dating game.  I was tired of waiting for someone who was never going to love me back, and I didn't see any other decent prospects on the horizon.  So I took the leap without a ring.  I don't think Allen had even met my dad before we told him we were getting married, so there was certainly no bargaining or permission-asking or anything traditional like that.

I have always been a strong-minded {read: stubborn} person, and I want to do things my own way.  I wanted to get married, and I didn't care about something as silly as a ring.  Like Charlotte, I have never been a romantic; I'm far too practical.  And I'm grateful for the things I do have, which many people do not: a family, a child, a home, a car, a job, friends, a temple marriage, etc.  All in all, I'm a pretty lucky girl.

So that one day a year, when the retailers of the world want you to celebrate LOVE by spending your hard-earned money on frivolous gifts and cards and flowers, and when your husband buys LED lightbulbs instead of chocolates, it's no big deal, right?  When he takes the day off of work for no real reason, so you get dolled up thinking you'll at least go out to lunch, and instead you end up giving him gas money and he takes off to go to your child's party at school, it doesn't make that much of a difference, right?

Charlotte says it shouldn't.  But it does.

One Thing At A Time

I have every intention of writing more.  I want to write.  I need to write.  I have been so busy, working and cleaning and taking care of the house and planning birthday parties.  I  have been planning Benji's birthday party in my little brain for several months, but putting it all together is proving to be quite the process.  Once again, I'm very grateful for my Mom who is helping in all sorts of ways.  She is such an awesome Nanny!

So here I am at work, waiting for Stephanie {the evening charge nurse} to tell me what exactly I will be doing for the rest of the night.  It could be Ortho, it could be GYN, it could be a Kidney Transplant, it could be a General/Plastics case . . . there are a lot of what-ifs.  Whatever.  I'm fine with any of it, really, though the Kidney would be last on my list of preference.  I just don't love the Transplant surgeons.  They are all very high-maintenance and grumpy, and the one who isn't going through a divorce is practically impossible to understand {he's Japanese}.  I'l do it if she wants me to; I just hope she doesn't.

Hmm--what is today?  Thursday.  Ah--it's supposed to be "Thrifty Thursday."  I have found some great deals lately, and I have wanted to share them. 

First off: Shampoo.  I found myself in need, and I'm not super-duper picky about the brand I use.  I don't want to spend a lot of money on it, so I usually end up with some variety of Suave.  This time I was looking at "Herbal Essences" for some reason.  I had a some regular-sized bottles of shampoo and conditioner in my basket, and I think they were in the neighborhood of $2.99 each.  Then, I found an end-cap with some leftover holiday gift packs and what do I find?

Yes, friends, I found GIANT sized shampoo and conditioner, each with a free hairspray, for $3.50 each.  Yes, thank you!  A much better bargain!  Always check the end-caps, or the shelves on the ends of the rows where you shop.  Often times you can find clearance deals or combo packs that make your dollar stretch a little further.

Second: Winco.  I have said before how much I love Winco, but I'll repeat it.  They have some excellent deals on food.  For example: Allen and I took Benji there last week, and found some incredible prices.  They had boneless, skinless chicken breasts for $1.77/lb.  That's not a terrible price, so I went to pick some up.  Then, I saw--every package was half-price!  The sell-by date was the next day, so they were priced to move.  Since we have a Foodsaver {not one of these fancy ones; ours is white, but it does the job!}, we bought 5 packages; or around 20 lbs.  I don't know that I have ever seen boneless, skinless chicken breasts @ $0.89/lb, so we decided to stock up!  Allen separated them into smaller groupings, vaccuum-sealed them, and popped them in the freezer.  So now we have plenty of chicken that is ready to go!  Honestly, that should last us for several months.  Yay!  I do the same with ground beef.  One of our local grocery stores {Dan's} will mark down their meat a few times a week, to keep the rotation really fresh.  I'll usually go early on a Saturday morning and buy them out.  I can get 93% lean beef for $1.39/lb, which is an awesome deal.  I'll take it home and we'll divide them into one-pound packs, Foodsaver them and freeze them too.  Those will last several months as well.

Looks like I'm doing some GYN, baby.

* * * * * * * *

Um, it's now Wednesday.  I actually ended up working with Dr. K {my OB/Gyn} twice that night, and I ended up staying all night on-call.  I'll go ahead and post this, and wish you all a Happy Valentine's Day.  I'll write more when Benji's party is done.  One thing at a time, friends.  One thing at a time.