Neither Lost Nor Found

If you haven't noticed, all of my blog posts for the past several months have been quotes from Mumford and Sons.  I have been listening to Babel over and over again in my car, because it's just so good.  I'll write more about them later, but I will say that one of many reasons I love their music is because the lyrics really make me think (and feel).  I have a few mild obsessions of late, mostly Mumford and Sons and Doctor Who.  It's not super-duper healthy, but there are worse things, right?

Speaking of Doctor Who, I have been thinking about an episode from the 5th season, called Vincent and The Doctor.  The Doctor takes Amy Pond to the Musée d'Orsay, where they visit the gallery dedicated to Van Gogh.  The Doctor notices something amiss in one of the paintings, and with the help of a Professor Black (the lovely Bill Nighy as a Van Gogh expert), he takes Amy back in time to meet Van Gogh in Provence and (of course) fix the problem.  They do, and as they are leaving, the Doctor decides to take Vincent back to 2010 to the Musée d'Orsay so he can see how his work is appreciated.  Because Van Gogh was ridiculed and very poor at the time of his death, it is very sweet to see how he is affected by Dr. Black's declaration of how Van Gogh was one of the greatest painters who ever lived by transforming pain into beauty.  It made me cry a little bit.

Image from "Vincent and the Doctor," from: http://culturemass.com/2013/05/03/cm-picks-doctor-who-memorable-moments/

At the end of the episode, after the Doctor and Amy Pond take Vincent back to Provence, they go back to the Musée d'Orsay, where Amy thinks that this experience will cause time to be rewritten, and Van Gogh will have created many more paintings.  Upon their return, they find that not much had changed; Vincent still committed suicide only a few months after they left him, and Amy says that they didn't make a difference at all.  Then, the Doctor says something that has stuck with me (this is one of my all-time favorite Doctor Who quotes):

"The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant. And we definitely added to his pile of good things."

I know many people wouldn't, but I put Facebook in my pile of good things.  There are a lot of reasons to dislike FB, but I am so grateful for the chance to reconnect with so many people whom I haven't seen in years, as well as get insights into the lives of people I see frequently.  I love reading what people have to say (for the most part), though sometimes it gets a little heated (yet another reason to dislike election season).

An important discussion started last Sunday, just after General Conference finished.  I was reading a summary of some of the talks, and somehow I ended up posting this article to my Facebook page, with the title: "Leaders say Mormons cannot condone same-sex marriage."  Truthfully, I didn't do it on purpose, and when I realized I did, I hoped I hadn't offended any of my friends who are homosexual.  So I posted this:

Mary Nolan Cox

October 6 near Kearns via mobile

I struggle with the issue of same-sex marriage because of my religion. I believe we all deserve the same rights, and I believe that God loves everyone equally. I have dear friends and relatives who are gay, and I hope you are not offended by the article I posted. We all deserve love and respect. We are all brothers and sisters.

I don't know that I've ever had so many passionate comments on a post, which tells me that people feel very strongly about the subject.  Most of the comments (and some were quite lengthy) were very respectful and kind, and many valid points were made.  I wanted to respond to them all, but I didn't want to do it on FB.  So here I'm doing it here.  I hope I can give some insight into the conflict many of us feel.

First: I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I am a Mormon.  I was born into an active, church-going family, and I have been attending church regularly for my entire life.  I served a mission for my church, and I will continue to be a member for as long as I live.  One of the most beautiful things about my religion is how we are urged to question.  We are instructed to seek out the answers for ourselves, to find out if what the leaders say is true.  I have personally read the Book of Mormon, listened to the Prophet, been baptized, and made covenants in the temple.  I have not done these things because I am brainwashed or because they were expected of me; I did them because I knew they were right.  I have a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ because I asked.  I prayed and received an answer that this church is the true church of God.  I know this independently, because the Spirit of the Lord has confirmed it in my heart and mind over and over again (D&C 8:2).

That being said, the LDS Church is not perfect.  As was said in General Conference, "I suppose the Church would be perfect only if it were run by perfect beings. God is perfect, and His doctrine is pure. But He works through us—His imperfect children—and imperfect people make mistakes" (President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "Come Join With Us," October 2013).  There are some things I don't love about being an active member (like the time commitment), and there are other things I really don't like (such as the handling of Proposition 8, though things are changing with that too--read here).  And as much as I love living in Utah, I believe the LDS Church has too much influence on our state government.  Very little is done without the church's approbation, and many laws are based on LDS values.  That is not always a bad thing, but I feel it takes away from the freedom of choice.  The liquor laws in Utah are ridiculous, and while I'm not an advocate of drinking, I do know that restricting the licenses of businesses is not good for the economy.  I don't think you can legislate morality; for example, making a law that you cannot buy alcohol on Sundays will not stop people from drinking alcohol on Sundays.  Making gambling illegal in the state will not stop people from driving across the border to buy tickets for the Powerball Lottery.  I say that if people are going to do something anyway, let us benefit from it.  As Joseph Smith said:  "I teach them correct principles, and they govern themselves."  Church and state are supposed to be separate, and for good reason.

Even though the pile of good things about the LDS Church greatly outnumbers the pile of bad things, when it comes to sustaining the leaders of the Church, the thing that weighs most heavily on my mind is the issue of same-sex marriage.  The brethren are very consistent, saying that the church cannot condone same-sex marriage.  "While we are to emulate our Savior’s kindness and compassion, while we are to value the rights and feelings of all of God’s children, we cannot change His doctrine. It is not ours to change. His doctrine is ours to study, understand, and uphold" (Elder Russell M. Nelson, "Decisions For Eternity," October 2013).

I sustain the leadership of my church.  I believe that they are doing what they feel to be right.  Part of me knows that I should agree with them 100%.  But I don't.

I do not see what is wrong with loving someone, regardless of gender.  I don't see how legalizing a relationship between two men or two women threatens marriage between one man and one woman.  I don't see why I should have rights that others do not, because the person I married happens to be of the opposite gender.  Personally, I think that when two people want to commit to each other, there shouldn't be laws against it.  I think gay marriage is beautiful, and that the fight for equality is worth supporting.

Where I'm coming from, I can see both sides of the equation.  I hear both arguments and find them both valid.  I read stories of how families are torn apart by this issue and wonder at how this could possibly be better than acceptance.  In all honesty, I just cannot lean one way or the other--saying one side is right and the other is wrong.  I have always tried to be a peacemaker and to avoid confrontation.  I hate feeling such conflict.  It tears me up inside.

So what is my role in all of this?  I may have helped spark a conversation, one which (I hope) has helped some people think about this a bit more.  I have personally done more research and prayed about this subject than I ever have.  In doing so, I found this website: http://www.mormonsandgays.org/.  It really helps me see that attitudes are changing, even though the law of God does not.  And it reminds me that we are all sinners; we are all beggars before the Lord, and we are all in need of His atonement.

In all of the contemplation and heartache of the past few days, one thought has been my mantra: It is not my place to judge.  It is my job to love. (I'm pretty sure I got it from this blog post, which I first read over a year ago).  I can't say what is right and what is wrong for everyone, because each person has his or her own definition.  I cannot walk in the shoes of those who have been on the receiving end of this kind of discrimination and judgement, nor can I condone the self-righteous attitudes of lawmakers, whether or not I agree with them.  I believe that God is kind, and He will judge us according to many things--not just our sexual orientation.  

This is an excellent Q&A about the stance of the church, and in it, Elder Dallin H. Oaks makes a powerful statement:

" . . . Some people consider feelings of same-gender attraction to be the defining fact of their existence. There are also people who consider the defining fact of their existence that they are from Texas or that they were in the United States Marines. Or they are red-headed, or they are the best basketball player that ever played for such-and-such a high school. People can adopt a characteristic as the defining example of their existence and often those characteristics are physical.

"We have the agency to choose which characteristics will define us; those choices are not thrust upon us.

"The ultimate defining fact for all of us is that we are children of Heavenly Parents, born on this earth for a purpose, and born with a divine destiny. Whenever any of those other notions, whatever they may be, gets in the way of that ultimate defining fact, then it is destructive and it leads us down the wrong path."

I don't want to judge anyone.  I don't want to offend anyone (though I'm sure I have and will), and I have been working on this post for several days, making sure that this is what I really want to say.  What it all boils down to is that I don't want to change the world; I just want to help others feel the love of our Savior.

While driving in to work last week, I was contemplating my response to all of these comments and arguments.  I was listening to "Holland Road" by Mumford and Sons, and it reminded me of the episode of Doctor Who I wrote about earlier.  The realization of the simplicity of my answer took my breath away.

I want to be a person who adds to your pile of good things.  There's not a lot I can do to ease the burdens of those who have to live with these difficult circumstances.  There is some service I can give, some beauty I can contribute to this world to help people get through their hard times.  I usually can't take burdens away, but maybe I can help make them a little lighter.

It's not the revelation I was looking for, but this is an answer for me.  I don't have all of the answers right now; I don't have the ability to understand all the mysteries of God.  There are a lot of things I struggle with, and I have a very long way to go until I can see as perfectly as our Father in Heaven, but I do have a big heart.  I have so much love for you, my friends and family, and I know that's just a tiny portion of the love Jesus has for each of us.  It's hard to feel sometimes, especially when I let the adversary tell me I am unworthy, but it's always there.  Although we ALL have piles of bad things, God has given us so much for our piles of good things.  He has given us gifts and talents we can share and use to bless the lives of others.  

Please know that you are loved.  You are cherished.  Our Father in Heaven created you, and He loves you, whether or not you believe in Him.  I love Him, and I love you, truly.  Please let me know how I can add to your pile of good things.

from: http://godisawhale.tumblr.com/post/34011344555

Where You Invest Your Love, You Invest Your Life

I feel like I need to catch up on my crazy life.  Since it's quiet at work right now, we'll see how far I can get.

1.  Benji's school.  

Last February, when we found out that Benji did not receive a scholarship to attend the Carmen B. Pingree Center for Children with Autism next year, we put in his name for a lottery for Spectrum Academy, a charter school. for autistic children.  We didn't hear anything back from them, so we spent months in meetings and evaluations and phone calls trying to get Benji placed within the Granite School District.  We decided on Whittier School, which is a nice, big elementary school with quite a lot of resources.  His teacher is really cute, his entire class would be made up of autistic children, they are piloting a new program this year, his classroom is directly across the hall from the school nurses (yes, plural!  And actual RNs, not just an LPN), and they would bus him to and from school.  We were all set to start school on Wednesday, August 28th.

The Thursday before (August 22nd), Allen and I each received an e-mail:

Congratulations! Your child was selected to attend Spectrum Academy for the 2013-2014 school year.

Student Name & Grade: Benjamin Cox, AM Kindergarten

Please feel free to contact us with any questions you might have.

We have attached some paperwork that we need you to go through and complete. We will also need a copy of your child's immunization record, birth certificate and IEP (if applicable) by Friday, August 21st in order to secure your child's spot for our upcoming school year. Please let us know by phone or email as soon as possible if you would like this spot.

If you would like, you can call and schedule a tour. Please call and schedule it at 801-936-0318 option 1. Your child is invited to attend if you like.

Please let me know if you have any questions.

Wendy Hansard

Office Manager - Elementary

Spectrum Academy

Truthfully, I didn't know what to do.  I felt really good about sending him to Whittier--it seems like a really great school.  Plus it would be super convenient for me, and I don't need more stress in my life.  I called them on Friday to see if we could go check it out, but everyone in the building was out for medical training.  So we went on Monday, 8/26.  It is a nice, small school, and the Kindergartens have 6 kids in them.  SIX.  And once you are in, you don't need to apply for the lottery again.  They said, "He's ours until you take him out."  That's something--to not have to worry about where he will fit in next year, or even after that, because they go all the way through high school.  

Allen was really pushing for us to accept the placement (especially since there were 70 other kids on the waiting list who would have taken his spot if we said no), and although I didn't really feel like it would be better than Whittier, I agreed.  

Benji on his first day of Kindergarten @ Spectrum Academy 

So last Tuesday was his first day of school.  It has been good thus far; it's just the drive.  There is no bussing.  There are carpools, but his class is at a weird time, and I just haven't had time to deal with it yet.  So he needs to be there at 11:45am (having eaten lunch already--the school doesn't even have it's own lunchroom!), and he is picked up at 2:45 (I think . . . Allen takes him home).  It's 18 miles away, about 25-30 minutes of drive time.  It is only 6 miles from Allen's work, so he hangs out there to take him home (unless he's doing is game thing, "hacking portals" and such).  It's growing on me; I think it will be a good place for him eventually.  It takes some getting used to, and the cost of gas is fairly significant.  I feel like we need a commuter car, but money is a bit of a problem right now too.  Ugh.

Anyway--moving on.

2.  Concerts.

On Friday, August 23rd, I went with my concert-buddy Allison to see fun. at Saltair.  Tegan & Sara opened (they are okay; I'm just not that into them).  

Me and Allison @ Saltair

It really was a great concert.  I'm not a huge fan of fun., but they put on a great show.  The energy was awesome, and they sound FANTASTIC live! I think that's the acid-test of a band's talent.  If they can sound as good or better than they do on the album, then they are worth investing time and money into.  We were kind-of stuck in the middle, and people kept pushing past us and walking around us, etc.  Two people, who were totally pushing their way to the front looked back sheepishly and said, "We're being a**holes."  To which I replied: "Pretty much."  Oh well.  It was still lovely.  The weather was PERFECT (at the end of August, it could have been a lot worse), the sunset was incredible, and it was just a delightful night.  

A panorama shot of the crowd and sunset

Here are a couple of other shots.  The iPhone does pretty well!  Not spectacular, but MUCH better than my old one.

A couple of quotes: 

"Salt Lake City?!"  "Just you f****n' wait."  And: "Does anyone here have a cell phone?"  They took some guys phone up on stage with them and took some pictures with it.  Pretty cool.

And the setlist:

Some Nights (Intro)

One Foot

Walking the Dog

All Alone

Why Am I The One

At Least I’m Not As Sad (As I Used To Be)

All The Pretty Girls

It Gets Better

Barlights

Carry On
The Gambler

You Can't Always Get What You Want (Rolling Stones cover)

We Are Young

Take Your Time

  

  Encore:

Some Nights

Stars

Good times.  That really was an excellent concert.

I also got to go to the O.C. Tanner Gift of Music concert with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, the Utah Symphony and James Taylor.  I put my name in for the lottery for that one too, and actually got tickets!  So I met my cute mom at the Conference Center last Saturday.  It was delightful!  And the programs were stunning--the typography, the printing, etc.  Gorgeous.  I took two.

It was also the same weekend as the first annual Salt Lake Comic Con, which was apparently very successful.  I took Trax downtown for the concert, and saw plenty of people dressed up, totally unashamed.  I have decided that Comic Con is like Halloween for adults, where you can dress up as whatever and whomever you want, and the treats are getting to meet stars and take cool pictures.  I'm down with that!  I'm a little sad I didn't make it more of a priority to go, because all of the pictures I have seen are awesome.  I'm sure it will be bigger and better next year, so I'll plan to get my geek on then.  

3.  Friends.

Speaking of Comic Con, my friends Diana and DeLayna went and met some cool people.  They are so funny; I love those girls.  DeLayna will be going to Japan shortly on a work assignment.  I'm so jealous!  How cool would that be?!  Speaking of . . . I need to finish watching season one of Newsroom!  Gah!  No time!

On the Saturday after the concert, my dear friend Jack Jason had a layover in SLC.  Peggy and I met up with him to have breakfast at Lamb's Grill downtown.  It was so lovely to catch up!  I was hoping to meet up with them in New York next month, but alas--I have no money, honey.  Especially after fighting with T-Mobile over an account I was assured was closed.  Grr.

JJD, Me and Peggy! 

We had a bit of a "Gaufre War," (get it?) in which we were to decide who makes the better waffle (see JJD's descriptions and lovely pictures here).  I was a little disappointed in the boys @ Saturday's Waffle, since they now have teenagers running it, so I was in agreement: the Belge wins.  Bruges Waffles is amazing (always get the gaufres liegoises!).  As we were walking down the street back to get his suitcase from his hotel, I totally biffed it.  CHEWING. ASPHALT.  My knees and my ego are still bruised and sore from that rather humiliating experience (um, I'm pretty sure my skirt flipped up over my waist, and there were plenty of people around to witness it!), but it was still worthwhile, and I'll just blame it on my cute-but-dangerous wedges.  These are two of my most favourite people in the world!  I'd do it again in a heartbeat if it meant seeing them!

4.  Family.

My last post may give you a hint as to the drama in the family.  It's kind-of quiet at the moment, but I think we are all walking on eggshells for a little while; at least until Mom & Dad leave.  Did I mention that they received their mission call?  They are going to Peru, and the leave ON THURSDAY.  Yikes!  It's coming waaaay too fast!  I'm excited for them, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to be in the opposite hemisphere!

Mom & Dad came down to SLC last week for their missionary training at the Church Office Building.  I was working while they were here (and they were some of the busiest days I have seen all year--no chance of leaving early!), and Mom had a wee health scare.  She had been short-of-breath, dizzy, nauseated, etc.  She got an appointment to see a cardiologist (not hers, but they still got her in the next day--a minor miracle).  Turns out that she was in atrial fibrillation, or her heart wasn't beating correctly.  She has had problems with the electrical conduction and scar tissue from her ASD repair in 1984 (which, back then, meant open-heart surgery).  When I had my PFO repair in 2004 (a very small version of an ASD), they were able to do it using a small catheter threaded up through the femoral artery.  Thankfully, I haven't had to deal with anything like Mom has, but she is a trouper. 

Anyway, they scheduled her for a TEE and Cardioversion the following morning.  Since Dad was still in meetings all day, we arranged for Allen to come home from work early so he could take Benji to school.  I was able to meet Mom @ IMC (my place of work, conveniently), where everything went swimmingly.  They did the shock to her heart, and they said it looks great now.  She will have a nuclear stress test this Wednesday, but they said she should be okay to fly out on Thursday as planned.  What a blessing!  I thought they would delay her a couple of weeks, but we are pressing forward.  I am so grateful we were able to get this taken care of so quickly and efficiently.  And I'm glad I was able to be at the hospital with her.  

I will be taking Benji up to Logan tomorrow for their 'setting apart,' which is a priesthood blessing given to a member of the church when he or she undertakes a new calling.  I am excited and nervous; these will be difficult holidays without them here.  They will be great, I'm sure.  It will be such an amazing experience for them.  There is nothing like living in another country to help you appreciate the life you have built for yourself.

****

And that's about it for now.  I can't believe I have written this entirely at work--after last week, it's hard to imagine things being as quiet as they have been for the past hour or so!  Please let me know what's going on with you.  Love to all!

Our Choices Seal Our Fate

Burning Bridges

Do you know why your bridges burn?

Or how this fire began?

Our lives have taken this left turn,

The flames we now must fan.

I love you so, my dearest friend:

In tandem have we grown.

Our sisterhood will never end,

The time has quickly flown.

Your choices separate us now.

Oh, how I wish you'd see

The burden set upon your brow

Cannot be fixed by me.

Some help, so many tried to get;

But fires have burned there, too--

This self-destructive path is set.

It now depends on you.

Where is the 'lowest of the low?'

When does this horror end?

I wish I could soften the blow,

Your soul I would defend.

My lovely girl, you seem so lost:

You don't know who you are.

My heart, it aches to count the cost

Of how it's burned so far.

Please find yourself, O fairest one.

You deserve so much more.

Forgive me now--what's done is done.

I can't even the score.

The hardest love--the toughest kind,

The truth will help you see.

Reality cannot be blind

Nor set our worries free.

This separation hurts us all;

And each of us must grieve.

We do not wish to see you fall--

In this, you must believe.

You need more help than we can give;

It's time for someone new

To understand the way you live

And do what's best for you.

One day, I hope you'll understand

How hard it is to see

A sister's love slip from your hand

And from your life so flee.

When you are ready to return,

With open arms, we'll wait.

We'll build new bridges--n'er to burn.

Our choices seal our fate.

--Mary Nolan Cox

27 August 2013

Don't Fade Away

This has been a rough week.  Thursday was particularly brutal.  Benji had pooped in his bedroom sometime before I got up, so I had to clean up after him.  He managed to get some behind his bed, so I had to pull it out from the wall to wipe it up.  While I was pushing the bed back into place, I heard a "crunch" in my elbow.  It hurt and was weakened immediately.  I texted McCall (my friend, the ortho PA) to see if she could fit me into her clinic that day.  She couldn't on Thursday, so I made an appointment for Friday.  When Allen came home from work, he convinced me to go to InstaCare.  That was fine: they took some x-rays, gave me a prescription for pain meds and sent me on my way.  I was pretty useless the rest of the day (I called in sick to work), and the Tylenol w/Codeine made me zone out even more.  Truthfully, I just don't like narcotics.  I'd rather feel pain than have my brain be fuzzy like that.

Once the pain pill wore off and I was more coherent, I checked my facebook.  I was shocked to see this:

I didn't really believe it at first.  I knew Aaron and Ann from High School.  Actually, Aaron and I were born on the exact same day.  The three of us had classes together and graduated together, and I absolutely adored her.  This little burden sat in my heart for a couple of days, and I kept checking the obituaries in the Herald Journal because I needed proof (pretty sure I was in denial).  And today, I found this:

So it's true.  My beautiful friend has left this world.  My heart is aching, but I'm grateful that I have next Tuesday off so I can go to the gathering in her honor.  {Pictures are from Aaron's Facebook page}

Ann in Paris

Truth be told, I didn't know either of them very well, but we were friends.  In high school, we had several of the same classes.  I would sit next to her in AP Biology, and we would talk about music and cute boys (though she only ever really had eyes for Aaron).  I actually saw them shortly after I returned from my mission, and shortly after they were married: we were the only three people in the Utah Theater for a screening of "Le fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain."  She deleted her Facebook account for a while, but when she came back, I befriended her immediately.  This was the last conversation we had last May:

• Conversation started May 3
• 

  4:50pm

  Wilde Annimal

  Dearest Mary,

  I got off fb to work on my dissertation, and because I was offending endless high school friends. Please edit me. I would hate to offend or alienate you. You you one of my favs! Hope you and yours are well! Much love, Ann
• May 3
• 

  9:02pm

  Mary Nolan Cox

  It takes a lot more than liberal leanings to offend me, so don't even worry about it. Are you done with your dissertation? Should I call you Dr. Ann? I would, because you are that awesome. Love ya!
• 

  9:20pm

  Wilde Annimal

  It will be a year yet. I know 10 years and only a couple of degrees seems useless. I'm writing a biography, and I want my committee and my mom to read it. Impossible. Anyway, I have about 20 friends and they were only people who wouldn't hate me for the "F" word--- even elderly friends in NY. I use it a lot, because I know it makes them chuckle at a Mormon girl using it. Please, just block my posts. I have such a potty mouth. I'm so sorry! You are lovely as always!
• 

  9:33pm

  Mary Nolan Cox

  I work in the OR, where language is routinely of the potty variety. So I'm not offended, damn it! Things got a little ugly last November, but I don't let little things bother me. :0)
• 

  9:37pm

  Wilde Annimal

  Oh, love. How are you healing from November?
• 

  9:44pm

  Mary Nolan Cox

  Just from the election. People got really fired up and mean to each other. I seriously hate election season. But that's how it goes, right? Life goes on. How are you?
• 

  12:15am

  Wilde Annimal

  I don't like either party...do some work people! I was worried it was personal. Anyway block me I like that word too much! I'm fine. Working on myself. Aways working on myself!
• 

  1:29am

  Mary Nolan Cox

  You and me both. I can't affiliate either way...I'm pretty sure everybody in Washington is corrupt. So I just try to ignore it. I have enough to worry about! Are you back in Logan?

And that's where it ended.  She never replied, but she and Aaron had moved back to Logan from Ithaca, NY.  I kept meaning to find her and go to lunch; I never dreamed I wouldn't have the chance.

Aaron, Ann & Amanda (another LHS '97 friend) in New York

Even though I don't know her very well, I am very much saddened by her passing.  I went through all of my old pictures, convinced I had one of both of us.  If I did, I can't find it.  I had a few random snapshots of her from our last days at Logan High, but nothing extraordinary.  They certainly didn't capture her light like these pictures do.

Ann was one of those people whom you can never forget.  Even though we hadn't seen each other in years, I still considered her a dear friend.  She was smart, beautiful, uncommonly kind, radiant, and good.  I truly adored her, and I feel so privileged to have known her in this life.

For those of you who are reading my blog, I just want to tell you I love you while I have the chance.  I know that spirits continue to exist after they have departed their mortal bodies, and I know I will see Ann again.  But while we are here in this precious, fleeting world, please know how grateful I am for you.  Even if I haven't seen you for a while, you are cherished.  You are held deep in my heart, and I will love you forever.

Ann, ma chère, thank you for sharing your light with me.  Thank you for making this world a better place.  Thank you for your friendship--you are one of the loveliest people I have ever known.  Until we meet again, darling.

My Heart Was Flawed, I Knew My Weakness

I can't believe I haven't posted anything since May.  Wow--I'm a struggler!  I have been thinking about various things I'd like to write about, but I have been very busy.  I have submitted my application (and $175 processing fee!) to CASPA (Centralized Application Service for Physician Assistants).  I also did the supplemental application required for the University of Utah.  That was a timed essay application, and apparently my last answer didn't save because the timer ran out before I saved it.  *sigh*  So once I do that (again), and the CASPA people verify my grades against the official transcripts I have sent, my application can be reviewed by the U.  They will then decide if I get an interview, and then--well, we will have to wait and see.

The application required a lot of introspection.  I had to enter and classify every course I took in college (including those in high school, so I had to send an official transcript from USU as well).  And not just every course, including the ones I withdrew from, but all of the grades too.  That was pretty depressing.  I also had to enter my entire job history and try to remember my old supervisors' names, dates, hours worked, job descriptions, etc.  That was a little disheartening too, because I have, uh, been around.  I have been employed by Intermountain Healthcare for 11 years now, but I have worked at six different facilities therein.  Yikes.

And, as if that wasn't enough, I had to get letters of recommendation (which I have waived my right to see).  I had three people write them for me: Dr. Ray Price (a surgeon with whom I have worked for several years), McCall, a PA with whom I work regularly, and Chito, my supervisor.  Ray finished his the day after I e-mailed it to him, but I had to nag McCall and Chito a bit.

And the bit that had me the most  preoccupied: the narrative.  It's the place where you get to stand out, and they want something that will really make them remember you--in 5,000 characters or less.  I went through several versions in my brain, several re-writes, and even on the day I submitted the application I was finishing up the edits (final character count: 4,997!).

I'm not incredibly proud of it, but I did try to be honest and eloquent.  I tried not to over-do the road-trip metaphor, though it would have been better if I had shared my actual European road trip adventure.  I'll probably get another chance to apply next year, so I'll have to keep that in mind.

Anyway, here it is: my heart served up on a platter, for complete strangers to read and judge.  I'm happy to share it with you, especially if you actually still read this blog.  If you do, thank you.

* * * * * * * *

Every life has a few defining moments. Like a cross-country road trip, you start out wandering through side streets and alleyways until you find a road you want to take. Sometimes that road is a slow path; sometimes it's an eight-lane highway. Those moments are the intersections of where you are and where you want to be. Decisions must be made, and the journey must continue one way or the other.

I won't pretend that my journey is particularly special; I have experienced many things common to the human race: school, work, marriage, parenthood, etc.  While these paths are important, they are not what my story is about.  My personal road trip cannot be defined by any long stretch of highway (like the never-ending interstate of parenthood), but my life has been heading in a certain direction; I just didn't realize it until a few months ago.

Let me back up.  The first important intersection I came to was in 1997.  I was granted a scholarship to the University of Utah, as part of the ACCESS program for women in science.  Having chosen that road truly defined my college career and influenced many other choices I have made since. Several of my fellow ACCESS comrades have gone on to become physicians, engineers, teachers, and wonderful stay-at-home mothers.

Once my freshman year was over, I realized that being a science major did not come easily to me.  It seemed that everyone else had moved on, and while I was working hard, I wasn't as successful as I wanted to be. I lost my scholarship, my confidence, and my best friend.  It may not seem significant to anyone else, but my friend dumping me was one of those defining moments. I found out just how fragile my heart was, and how I would have to take this journey alone.

Before I even started college, I had decided to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I knew that doing so would get me closer to my destination, and help me to become the person I wanted to be.  I spent a glorious year (2000-01) in Belgium and France, teaching and serving every day.  I'll be forever grateful for that time of my life because of everything I learned and the beautiful people I met.

Coming home from Europe was much harder than I had anticipated. I went from being so focused on a different work to having very little direction at all.  I lived at home for a while, trying to figure out how to get back on the interstate.  That's when the most defining moment of my life took place: my brother John died unexpectedly.  My younger brother, the smartest person I had ever known, the boy who grew up at my side challenging and inspiring me, was gone.

It might have been shock, or simply trying to be strong, but it was nearly a week after that terrible day when I finally broke down.  All the pain and loneliness came flooding out, and I realized I had a gaping hole in my soul.  Though time has made the heartache more bearable, the emptiness is still there.  I think of my brother often, and he still inspires me.  He is one of the primary reasons why I want to have a career helping people, and why I want to understand the complexities of the human body.

In an effort to heal and move on, I came back to the U in 2003.  I tried to find my place in the world; I even flirted with the idea of changing majors.  English, French, teaching, and even Political Science all sounded good at some point, since those classes were significantly easier for me.  But as an ACCESS girl, I wanted to complete my degree in a science major, and I knew I wanted to work in health care.  I finally completed my Bachelor's in 2007, and I found a second home working in surgery.  For a long time, those two roads (education and work) ran parallel to one another, never really intersecting.  

While working in surgery, I learned what PAs do, how they are educated, and how they interact with doctors.  The idea of becoming a PA appealed to me immediately.  The demands of my family (especially my autistic son), along with the financial burden and time commitment make medical school an impossibility, but I feel like I could be very successful in a PA program.  I have thought about nursing, but I know I would prefer a graduate program that would give me practical skills, knowledge and insight.  I also want a career that will allow me to work in surgery, even if it's just part of the time.

After thinking about applying for several years, I attended the UPAP information session in April 2013.  This was another defining moment.  It felt like I had seen a sign: this is the road I want to take.  I believe that my entire journey--my whole life--has been leading me here to this very application, and I am grateful and excited for this opportunity.

I admit to being a bit anxious; I don't know how I will stand up to the competition, but I truly hope you understand how much I want to become a Physician Assistant.  Thank you for your consideration, and I hope our paths will cross soon.