What Are You Doing New Year Eve?

I have been so neglectful of my blog.  I do want to keep it up--I have a lot to say!--but I have been so busy, and not in a good way.

The whole month of December just flew by.  I worked almost every single day, I had a bunch of on-call shifts and a couple of volunteer days at Benji's school, and car drama (I totaled my car on December 3rd), Christmas cards and gifts and stuff hanging over my head.  I was exhausted.  I am still recovering, and I'm not sure that my current 'vacation' will be all that restful.  It hasn't started out that way, with Benji refusing to fall asleep in Las Vegas (there were lots of tears involved in that one), and Allen taking off today to drive to some museum south of Tucson, so he was MIA for about 10 hours.  I have gotten a fair amount of reading done; I'm working on "The Casual Vacancy" by J.K. Rowling.  I was hoping for something Harry Potter-esque, but this was Jo's first big project away from the world of Muggles and Magic, so with all the subtlety of a recent high school graduate, she went quite in the opposite direction.  The writing is excellent, but definitely R-rated.

We are currently in Phoenix, to help Dave & Lexy with baby #4, who is due next Sunday.  Lex is sooo uncomfortable and has a cold on top of it all, so with her being so miserable, I'm thinking she'll go early.  I hope so, anyway!  I can't wait to meet this new little friend!

Well, Christmas went in such a blur, with nary a picture taken, I think we'll just skip a post devoted to the holiday.  Let's go to the Year-In-Review post instead, eh?  This is fairly similar to the one I did last year, and the year before that, and the year before that, but it's actually from this blog.  I won't really review what went on in the world, but as far as big news stories go, this is a pretty good run-down of 2013.

What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?
Total my car.  I have been in small fender-benders before, but none that have caused me this much grief.  Goodbye, Silvano.  I miss you.

Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Well, I resolved to be fabulous.  The result?  Not so much.  Of course I do have more resolutions and plans for 2014, but I'm notoriously bad at keeping them.  I need real motivation, and I think I may have found it.  {More on that later.}

Did anyone close to you give birth?

Not really close.  Lex is going to pop any moment, so that should be fun!

Did anyone close to you die?

My dear Ann.  I miss her.  A lot.  

What countries did you visit?

Does 24 hours in Idaho count?

What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?

The courage to actually do what I need to do.

What date from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory?

I don't remember the date, but our last trip to Bear Lake was kind-of a big deal.  Also, Friday September 13, as the date my parents left for their mission in Peru.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I don't really have one.  This year has kind-of sucked that way.  I guess it could be the back-handed achievement of a goal to own a car built in the same decade in which I am living.  Of course, I don't own it (I haven't even driven it yet . . .), but I suppose it's mine.  The payments will be, anyway.

What was your biggest failure?

My total rejection from P.A. school.  I was a little too confident with my application and telling everyone about it, and I didn't even get an interview.  That really sucked.

Did you suffer illness or injury?

Thankfully, no.

What was the best thing you bought?

My suitcase.  I got it for 70% off at Target, and it's awesome.  I've never owned luggage that doesn't have an IHC logo on it.

Whose behavior merited celebration?

Benji has made some progress this year.  He has regressed some, too (he rarely uses utensils to eat, and he's pretty much back in pull-ups full-time).  But he is getting better at listening, and he can obey some simple commands.  That's something!

Where did most of your money go?

Bills.  Gas.  Food.  A few concerts.  Gifts.  And did I mention gas?  

What did you get really, really, really excited about?

I think the highlight of my year was going to the Keane concert in Boise last January.  I was also very excited about receiving an iPad mini for my birthday.  I also got a little too excited about the Doctor Who 50th Anniversary.

What song will always remind you of 2013?

I'm sure I listened to the whole album "Babel" by Mumford & Sons more than anything else this year, but particularly "Ghosts That We Knew."  As far as popular songs go, I believe I shall do Mary's Top 10 popular songs of 2013 here.  No judgement.

10.  tied: "Catch My Breath" by Kelly Clarkson and "Royals" by Lorde

9.  "Thrift Shop" by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

8.  "Sail" by AWOLNATION (though the song almost always reminds me of this video--LOL!)

7.  "Carry On" by fun.

6.  "My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark" by Fall Out Boy

5.  "Ho Hey" by The Lumineers

4.  "Gone Gone Gone" by Phillip Phillips

3.  "Miss Jackson" by Panic! At The Disco

2.  "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons

1.  "Hopeless Wanderer" by Mumford & Sons

Compared to this time last year, are you:

   Happier or sadder? Sadder.

   Thinner or fatter? Fatter.  It sucks.

   Richer or poorer?  Poorer.  Can you see why this has not been my best year?

What do you wish you’d done more of?  Exercising.  Spending time with my boy.

What do you wish you’d done less of?  Staying up too late.

How will you be spending Christmas?

Next Christmas?  Not sure.  Probably in Logan.

Did you fall in love in 2013?

With a certain time-travelling alien who has two hearts.

Who were your best friends?

Peggy, Allison, and my siblings.

What thing did you do that was meaningful to others?

I would hope that the whole Christmas card ordeal means a little to the people to whom I send them.  They are a lot of work!  This is what they looked like.

{front}

{back, in black & white}

I wasn't in love with them, so I'm going to simplify next year.  Really.

What were your favorite TV programs?

I became a Whovian this year, and spent a lot of time with the Doctor.  Other than Doctor Who, I watch Downton Abbey, Call the Midwife, HIMYM, Glee, Grey's Anatomy, The Mindy Project, Super Fun Night, The Following, and Broadchurch.  It's a little ridiculous. 

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Um, Miley Cyrus?

What was the best book you read in 2013?

I haven't read a lot this year, but "The Heretic's Daughter" by Kathleen Kent and "Inferno" by Dan Brown were standouts.   

What was your greatest musical discovery?

Mumford & Sons.  Not a real 'discovery,' but more of a realization of how much I like them.

What did you want and get?

An iPad.  Of course, it was expropriated by the boy, and the cracked screen is only held together by an Otterbox.  We call it his iPad.  I did want an iPhone, and I got it.  That has been nice.

What did you want but did NOT get?

An interview with the University of Utah Physican's Assistant Program.  And a trip to New York.

What was your favorite film of this year?

Probably "The Great Gatsby" or "Star Trek Into Darkness."  Other movies I saw in the theater?  "Iron Man 3" (meh), "The Hunger Games: Catching Fire" (awesome, especially as a double-feature after "The Day of the Doctor"), "Man of Steel" (meh), "Monsters University" (love!), "Gravity" (amazing!), and Lee Daniels' "The Butler," (fascinating).  I started reading "City of Bones," but I couldn't even finish the book, so I never saw the movie.  And I probably never will.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 34.  This is the account of the day.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

A housekeeper.  The house being a mess seriously stresses me out, and I'm the only one who cleans. Since I don't do that very well, and since I'm up too late and have too much to do and not enough energy, I have a lot of stress.  Self-induced, I'll admit, but a lot nonetheless.

What kept you sane?

I'm going to plead the 5th on that one.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

David Tennant.  LOVE!

What political issue stirred you the most?

Gay marriage. Or, I should say, marriage.

Who did you miss?

My family.  Dave & Lexy moved to Phoenix in April, Rach & Wow moved to Logan in August, and Mom & Dad went to Peru on a mission.  So none of us are as close (physically or otherwise) as we used to be.  That makes me sad.

Who was the best new person you met this year?

Benji's new teacher Jacque.  She's awesome.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.

I am the only one standing in my way.

Quote that sums up your year:

There are many.  I will take a verse from "Holland Road" by Mumford & Sons.

"But I still believe though there's cracks you'll see,

When I'm on my knees I'll still believe,

And when I've hit the ground, neither lost nor found,

If you'll believe in me I'll still believe."

*sigh*  That's all for now, folks.  Not my best year, all in all.  I do have high hopes (and actual plans and motivations) to make next year count.  Out with the old . . .

Name Them One By One

To add to the list of my rejections, here's another one: many (I dare say most) of my Facebook friends were tagged with a number, and they had to write a status containing that number of things people didn't know about them.  Apparently no one wanted to know anything about me, even though I liked and commented on many people's lists.  It shouldn't bug me, nor should the fact that I'm cutting my Thanksgiving holiday short to cover a shift for someone who is going out of town, but when she covered a few hours for me on Monday, and she found out where I went, my excuse wasn't good enough for her.  Seriously?  What I do with my time is none of your beeswax, missy.  Try requesting the time off before the deadline like the rest of us, and don't expect my help again any time soon with an attitude like that. 

But--it is now early morning on Thanksgiving.  I have not been participating in the 'grateful' game on Facebook (which was going strong in the beginning of November, but has tapered off significantly).  I really do try to be grateful--I try to thank all of the people who help me in the O.R., especially the orderlies who work so hard.  I'm less thankful at home, because Allen and I rarely see each other, and (although I shouldn't) I don't often give thanks because I don't often get thanks.  I have to remind Allen of the things I do to get a thank you out of him, and that gets old.

Okay--enough complaining.  It's time to count my blessings (and maybe you'll learn something about me).  C'mon, Mary.  It's freaking Thanksgiving!  (These are in random order.)

1.  I'm grateful for my car.  It needs repairs, and it drives me crazy when Benji kicks open the center console (which he does CONSTANTLY), but it is pretty reliable, fun to drive, and has an awesome sound system.  Plus, it's pretty cute.

2.  I'm grateful for our house--especially for my craft room/office.  It's MY space--it has so many of my favourite things in it, and it's nice to have a place of my own.

3.  I am grateful for 4-H.  I learned so many life skills (especially cooking!) in those little meetings in Panguitch.  It was a very good thing.

4.  I'm grateful for Doctor Who.  Yes, it's cheesy, and super-nerdy, but I LOVE IT.  I drove to Logan with my friend Lorraine on Saturday to watch "The Day of the Doctor" at Rachael's house, and I saw it again at the Cinemark in Jordan Landing on Monday night.  I love that it brings so many people together, who might not otherwise know each other.  For example, I have worked with Lorraine for years, but I never really got to know her until I found out she was a Whovian.  And she is awesome.  Yes, she is a little crazy, but she's really a great person.

5.  I am grateful for my musical training (thanks, Mom & Dad!).  I spent several years taking piano lessons and cello lessons and bass lessons, and I played in the orchestra all through High School.  I learned how to love and appreciate music, to read it and understand it.  I would like to take singing lessons at some point, since one item on my bucket list is to be in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, but . . . I have other priorities at the moment.  

6.  I am grateful for my family.  We are going through a rough patch right now, but they truly are my favorite people.  I am extremely blessed to have such wonderful people in my tribe.

7.  I am grateful for my happy childhood.  For a long time, I thought my parents were mean, or didn't care about me.  Of course, now that I'm a parent, I'm in awe of how they raised all six of us with what we needed.  I had a lot of freedom, because they knew they could trust me.  I wasn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I wasn't smothered or shamed--I was encouraged to work hard and that good grades were their own reward.  

8.  I am grateful for my job.  Some things (and some people) drive me nuts, but all in all--I enjoy it.  I like to help patients, to talk with highly educated people on a daily basis, to learn new things, and to get a paycheck.  I wish I didn't have to work full-time, but there are a lot of people out there who wish they could.

9.  I am grateful for my insurance, and that my premiums only went up $3/paycheck.  We have a high-deductible plan ($3,000 deductible/$6,000 out-of-pocket max), and it makes me a little nervous.  It has been okay this past year (no major catastrophes!), so we'll try it again.  Considering how much some people are having to pay for insurance (thanks to Obamacare), I feel very blessed.  I think Scott and Peggy are paying more per month in premiums than I am paying for an entire year, and for basically the same insurance.  Crazy.

10.  I am grateful for my ward.  There are a lot of great people in my neighborhood, and their testimonies help strengthen my own.  Some people see how much we struggle through church, and we have received some lovely notes of encouragement.  I got a call from a neighbor last week, who was just thinking about me.  It's very sweet, and I'm thankful for people who are able to see past my 'brave face.'

11.  I'm thankful for my senses--that I can see beautiful colors and faces, that I can smell the heavenly scents of Thanksgiving, that I can hear the Christmas carols on the radio, that I can touch the soft skin of my little boy, that I can taste all of the lovely dishes we will eat later today.  

12.  I'm thankful for my body, that I am able to walk and move freely, that my mind is able to comprehend the things I read, see and hear, and that I am able to communicate by so many methods. 

13.  I am thankful for my friends and extended family.  I know some truly amazing people. 

I was going to try to get to #28, since today is the 28th of November, but I'm really tired and I need to get up early to drive to Logan in time to get some pigs-in-a-blanket for breakfast.  SAVE ME SOME PIGGIES!

Count your blessings, name them one by one.  

Count your many blessings, see what God has done.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.  Make it a good one.

I Don't Know If I've Ever Been Good Enough

One would think I'd be used to rejection by now.  I've had a lot of it in my lifetime, and it seems like I've had quite a lot lately.  A few examples, you ask?  Sure.  The following are examples from the past couple of months.

• After working all night, shopping, cleaning, struggling through church and cooking dinner, my friends text me to cancel.  No reason is given, but I find out later that they went out to dinner instead.  Okay.
• One of the managers at work pulls me into her office to tell me that one of the doctors has requested that I not work with him anymore, because my back is slightly exposed by my sterile gown.  They ordered a larger size, and I need to wear those now.  No problem.  
• I got an e-mail from the University of Utah, telling me that I was not selected for the P.A. Program.  I don't even get an interview.  Oh--and I only get three chances to apply, so this is my first strike.  Eating humble pie, but not wholly unexpected.
• I found out that one of my best friends from high school, who now lives in Florida, was in Logan for her grandmother's funeral.  We made plans to see each other sometime Saturday afternoon, so I took a day-trip (90 miles each way, with Benji in tow) and waited.  After a few hours, she texted me: "We just finished and I'm exhausted.  I think I have to skip. :(  I'm really sorry."  I understand.  No big deal.
• I was assigned to work in OR 18 the other day, with one Dr. W.  He is notoriously picky about who he lets work in his room, and he has sent me away before (supposedly because he doesn't know me, though I have worked with him in the past).  I told the charge nurse that, and she said he didn't really have a choice.  So I gather my supplies and come in the room and start opening my gloves.  He looked up from the OR table and said: 

          Dr. W: "Uh, who is this?"
          Me: "Mary."
          Dr. W: "Who are you here for?"
          {I gestured to Eileen, his first-assistant and girlfriend}
          Dr. W: "Who is the charge nurse?"
          Me: "Stephanie."
          He paused for a few moments, while continuing to work.
          Me: "Is it okay if I scrub in?"
          Dr. W:  "I'm sorry, Mary.  Not right now."
          I knew that was coming.  He is who he is.

These are just a few examples.  Let's not forget the trauma of planning parties to which nobody shows up, having your best friend break up with you because you are too needy, or telling someone you are in love with him, only to have him tell you he's just not interested.  Those are long past, so they shouldn't still hurt, right?  Riiiiight.  You know, I try really hard to be chill, to go with the flow, to not be easily offended.  Well, tonight was the straw that broke the camel's back, and I unleashed a small torrent of bile and vitriol in the form of ugly texts toward my unsuspecting and undeserving sister.  Sarah, I'm truly sorry for the mean things I said.  The way I unloaded on you was completely inappropriate and unfair.  It was a little thing (and we aren't supposed to let the little things bother us, right?), but it just hit me the wrong way.

Sarah asked me if she could use my camera on Saturday.  I asked her why, and she said Savannah had asked her (Sarah) to take her engagement photos.  I offered to, but Sarah said, "She wants really flattering angles and tometimes (sic) you take not so flattering pics of people lol."

The fact that it was a joke to her set me off.  I knew I shouldn't have been offended, but I was.  You know how, when people are angry in cartoons, smoke comes out of their ears?  My ears were red, quite literally.  I could feel it.  So I replied, getting more and more sarcastic and snarky.  I said, "Wow.  Thanks."

Sarah: "No offense.  You like the candid shots but she just wants to make sure it's very flattering.  That's all."
Me: "Kinda hard not to be.  And sure, you can take my camera, even though you've never used a Nikon DSLR before (except mine).  Should work out great for you."
S:  "Wow.  I really wasn't meaning to offend Mary.  She's just nervous about looking big in her photos.  She'd been reading up on plus size photography and asked me to do it so I thought I'd ask.  But really if you're offended then we can do without."  {She then texted me a link to http://plussizephotography.blogspot.com/}
I thought for a few minutes before I sent her this one.  I shouldn't have done it, but for two seconds it felt good.  I said: "I'm sure reading one website and taking 10,000 selfies makes you amply qualified.  No worries.  It's the camera that makes ALL the difference.  Experience is way overrated."

Sarah replied very reasonably, telling me I was choosing to be offended and that she had no idea where this anger was coming from.  I said some things she didn't deserve or need to read, and some of which really weren't true, either.  I did try to come up with an analogy, so that she could understand how I felt.  This is what I should have said: How would you feel if I had a friend who needed counseling, and I sent her to a different social worker because I don't think she would like what you had to say?  I told Sarah she is a great social worker, and she has a lot of experience giving advice and helping people.  She takes pride in that.  Photography isn't my chosen career, but I have been studying and trying to figure it out for several years.  But apparently that doesn't count, because not all of my pictures are flattering.

I then apologized.  I said, "Basically, I'm sorry.  I love you, I love Savannah, and I'm angry at myself for reacting the way I did.  You are welcome to use my camera."

Sarah said: "I'm sorry too.  My approach was less than diplomatic and I should have thought twice about it.  I love you too.  Thanks for the apology.  We're all human and I'm happy to forgive when someone owns it. :-)"

Again, Sarah, I'm sorry.  I shouldn't have been offended.  I should have just let it go, like I have tried to do with all of the aforementioned rejections.  I really do try to keep the peace and avoid confrontation, and to do so, I rarely stand up for myself.  I take it, because it shouldn't be a big deal; I have bigger things to worry about; and if that person really knew me, he or she might think differently.

But what was different about this was that my sister does know me.  She knows that I do put a lot of time and money and effort into my photography, and it became a joke.  Something I work hard at suddenly became worthless, and that hurt.  No, I don't put all of the value of my work on one person's opinion, but for someone who hates herself as much as I do, to have one of very few things I like about myself stripped away by a text message just sucks.

A few weeks ago, I had a good conversation with Peggy over breakfast at Denny's.  She said that I would always find a reason to be unhappy.  Even if Allen were the perfect husband or if Benji wasn't autistic, I would still feel the same way, because I don't love myself.  Because I don't believe that anyone really could love me.  And it's true: I believe I am unloveable.  I know Heavenly Father loves ALL of His children, and maybe He does love me, but I don't know how to feel it.  I don't know how to love my husband, because I don't believe he actually could love me.  There must be something wrong with him if he does.

I really don't know how to feel loved.  Hell--I don't even know how to take a compliment.  I start crying when someone says something nice about me.  So I try to direct the attention away from myself.  I stay behind the lens, so I don't have to be in the picture.  I stay busy with Benji and my shows and my job and my calling and my chores so I don't have to think about the sad state of my tattered, unwanted heart.

I probably shouldn't even publish this post.  Like so many others, it should probably remain in draft form.  This isn't a cry for help, and I'm not looking for validation or anything; I just needed to get this weight off my chest, so tomorrow I can go back to trying to stay afloat.  I just struggle, and writing is therapeutic for me.

Happier stuff next time, I promise.

Neither Lost Nor Found

If you haven't noticed, all of my blog posts for the past several months have been quotes from Mumford and Sons.  I have been listening to Babel over and over again in my car, because it's just so good.  I'll write more about them later, but I will say that one of many reasons I love their music is because the lyrics really make me think (and feel).  I have a few mild obsessions of late, mostly Mumford and Sons and Doctor Who.  It's not super-duper healthy, but there are worse things, right?

Speaking of Doctor Who, I have been thinking about an episode from the 5th season, called Vincent and The Doctor.  The Doctor takes Amy Pond to the Musée d'Orsay, where they visit the gallery dedicated to Van Gogh.  The Doctor notices something amiss in one of the paintings, and with the help of a Professor Black (the lovely Bill Nighy as a Van Gogh expert), he takes Amy back in time to meet Van Gogh in Provence and (of course) fix the problem.  They do, and as they are leaving, the Doctor decides to take Vincent back to 2010 to the Musée d'Orsay so he can see how his work is appreciated.  Because Van Gogh was ridiculed and very poor at the time of his death, it is very sweet to see how he is affected by Dr. Black's declaration of how Van Gogh was one of the greatest painters who ever lived by transforming pain into beauty.  It made me cry a little bit.

Image from "Vincent and the Doctor," from: http://culturemass.com/2013/05/03/cm-picks-doctor-who-memorable-moments/

At the end of the episode, after the Doctor and Amy Pond take Vincent back to Provence, they go back to the Musée d'Orsay, where Amy thinks that this experience will cause time to be rewritten, and Van Gogh will have created many more paintings.  Upon their return, they find that not much had changed; Vincent still committed suicide only a few months after they left him, and Amy says that they didn't make a difference at all.  Then, the Doctor says something that has stuck with me (this is one of my all-time favorite Doctor Who quotes):

"The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant. And we definitely added to his pile of good things."

I know many people wouldn't, but I put Facebook in my pile of good things.  There are a lot of reasons to dislike FB, but I am so grateful for the chance to reconnect with so many people whom I haven't seen in years, as well as get insights into the lives of people I see frequently.  I love reading what people have to say (for the most part), though sometimes it gets a little heated (yet another reason to dislike election season).

An important discussion started last Sunday, just after General Conference finished.  I was reading a summary of some of the talks, and somehow I ended up posting this article to my Facebook page, with the title: "Leaders say Mormons cannot condone same-sex marriage."  Truthfully, I didn't do it on purpose, and when I realized I did, I hoped I hadn't offended any of my friends who are homosexual.  So I posted this:

Mary Nolan Cox

October 6 near Kearns via mobile

I struggle with the issue of same-sex marriage because of my religion. I believe we all deserve the same rights, and I believe that God loves everyone equally. I have dear friends and relatives who are gay, and I hope you are not offended by the article I posted. We all deserve love and respect. We are all brothers and sisters.

I don't know that I've ever had so many passionate comments on a post, which tells me that people feel very strongly about the subject.  Most of the comments (and some were quite lengthy) were very respectful and kind, and many valid points were made.  I wanted to respond to them all, but I didn't want to do it on FB.  So here I'm doing it here.  I hope I can give some insight into the conflict many of us feel.

First: I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I am a Mormon.  I was born into an active, church-going family, and I have been attending church regularly for my entire life.  I served a mission for my church, and I will continue to be a member for as long as I live.  One of the most beautiful things about my religion is how we are urged to question.  We are instructed to seek out the answers for ourselves, to find out if what the leaders say is true.  I have personally read the Book of Mormon, listened to the Prophet, been baptized, and made covenants in the temple.  I have not done these things because I am brainwashed or because they were expected of me; I did them because I knew they were right.  I have a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ because I asked.  I prayed and received an answer that this church is the true church of God.  I know this independently, because the Spirit of the Lord has confirmed it in my heart and mind over and over again (D&C 8:2).

That being said, the LDS Church is not perfect.  As was said in General Conference, "I suppose the Church would be perfect only if it were run by perfect beings. God is perfect, and His doctrine is pure. But He works through us—His imperfect children—and imperfect people make mistakes" (President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "Come Join With Us," October 2013).  There are some things I don't love about being an active member (like the time commitment), and there are other things I really don't like (such as the handling of Proposition 8, though things are changing with that too--read here).  And as much as I love living in Utah, I believe the LDS Church has too much influence on our state government.  Very little is done without the church's approbation, and many laws are based on LDS values.  That is not always a bad thing, but I feel it takes away from the freedom of choice.  The liquor laws in Utah are ridiculous, and while I'm not an advocate of drinking, I do know that restricting the licenses of businesses is not good for the economy.  I don't think you can legislate morality; for example, making a law that you cannot buy alcohol on Sundays will not stop people from drinking alcohol on Sundays.  Making gambling illegal in the state will not stop people from driving across the border to buy tickets for the Powerball Lottery.  I say that if people are going to do something anyway, let us benefit from it.  As Joseph Smith said:  "I teach them correct principles, and they govern themselves."  Church and state are supposed to be separate, and for good reason.

Even though the pile of good things about the LDS Church greatly outnumbers the pile of bad things, when it comes to sustaining the leaders of the Church, the thing that weighs most heavily on my mind is the issue of same-sex marriage.  The brethren are very consistent, saying that the church cannot condone same-sex marriage.  "While we are to emulate our Savior’s kindness and compassion, while we are to value the rights and feelings of all of God’s children, we cannot change His doctrine. It is not ours to change. His doctrine is ours to study, understand, and uphold" (Elder Russell M. Nelson, "Decisions For Eternity," October 2013).

I sustain the leadership of my church.  I believe that they are doing what they feel to be right.  Part of me knows that I should agree with them 100%.  But I don't.

I do not see what is wrong with loving someone, regardless of gender.  I don't see how legalizing a relationship between two men or two women threatens marriage between one man and one woman.  I don't see why I should have rights that others do not, because the person I married happens to be of the opposite gender.  Personally, I think that when two people want to commit to each other, there shouldn't be laws against it.  I think gay marriage is beautiful, and that the fight for equality is worth supporting.

Where I'm coming from, I can see both sides of the equation.  I hear both arguments and find them both valid.  I read stories of how families are torn apart by this issue and wonder at how this could possibly be better than acceptance.  In all honesty, I just cannot lean one way or the other--saying one side is right and the other is wrong.  I have always tried to be a peacemaker and to avoid confrontation.  I hate feeling such conflict.  It tears me up inside.

So what is my role in all of this?  I may have helped spark a conversation, one which (I hope) has helped some people think about this a bit more.  I have personally done more research and prayed about this subject than I ever have.  In doing so, I found this website: http://www.mormonsandgays.org/.  It really helps me see that attitudes are changing, even though the law of God does not.  And it reminds me that we are all sinners; we are all beggars before the Lord, and we are all in need of His atonement.

In all of the contemplation and heartache of the past few days, one thought has been my mantra: It is not my place to judge.  It is my job to love. (I'm pretty sure I got it from this blog post, which I first read over a year ago).  I can't say what is right and what is wrong for everyone, because each person has his or her own definition.  I cannot walk in the shoes of those who have been on the receiving end of this kind of discrimination and judgement, nor can I condone the self-righteous attitudes of lawmakers, whether or not I agree with them.  I believe that God is kind, and He will judge us according to many things--not just our sexual orientation.  

This is an excellent Q&A about the stance of the church, and in it, Elder Dallin H. Oaks makes a powerful statement:

" . . . Some people consider feelings of same-gender attraction to be the defining fact of their existence. There are also people who consider the defining fact of their existence that they are from Texas or that they were in the United States Marines. Or they are red-headed, or they are the best basketball player that ever played for such-and-such a high school. People can adopt a characteristic as the defining example of their existence and often those characteristics are physical.

"We have the agency to choose which characteristics will define us; those choices are not thrust upon us.

"The ultimate defining fact for all of us is that we are children of Heavenly Parents, born on this earth for a purpose, and born with a divine destiny. Whenever any of those other notions, whatever they may be, gets in the way of that ultimate defining fact, then it is destructive and it leads us down the wrong path."

I don't want to judge anyone.  I don't want to offend anyone (though I'm sure I have and will), and I have been working on this post for several days, making sure that this is what I really want to say.  What it all boils down to is that I don't want to change the world; I just want to help others feel the love of our Savior.

While driving in to work last week, I was contemplating my response to all of these comments and arguments.  I was listening to "Holland Road" by Mumford and Sons, and it reminded me of the episode of Doctor Who I wrote about earlier.  The realization of the simplicity of my answer took my breath away.

I want to be a person who adds to your pile of good things.  There's not a lot I can do to ease the burdens of those who have to live with these difficult circumstances.  There is some service I can give, some beauty I can contribute to this world to help people get through their hard times.  I usually can't take burdens away, but maybe I can help make them a little lighter.

It's not the revelation I was looking for, but this is an answer for me.  I don't have all of the answers right now; I don't have the ability to understand all the mysteries of God.  There are a lot of things I struggle with, and I have a very long way to go until I can see as perfectly as our Father in Heaven, but I do have a big heart.  I have so much love for you, my friends and family, and I know that's just a tiny portion of the love Jesus has for each of us.  It's hard to feel sometimes, especially when I let the adversary tell me I am unworthy, but it's always there.  Although we ALL have piles of bad things, God has given us so much for our piles of good things.  He has given us gifts and talents we can share and use to bless the lives of others.  

Please know that you are loved.  You are cherished.  Our Father in Heaven created you, and He loves you, whether or not you believe in Him.  I love Him, and I love you, truly.  Please let me know how I can add to your pile of good things.

from: http://godisawhale.tumblr.com/post/34011344555

Where You Invest Your Love, You Invest Your Life

I feel like I need to catch up on my crazy life.  Since it's quiet at work right now, we'll see how far I can get.

1.  Benji's school.  

Last February, when we found out that Benji did not receive a scholarship to attend the Carmen B. Pingree Center for Children with Autism next year, we put in his name for a lottery for Spectrum Academy, a charter school. for autistic children.  We didn't hear anything back from them, so we spent months in meetings and evaluations and phone calls trying to get Benji placed within the Granite School District.  We decided on Whittier School, which is a nice, big elementary school with quite a lot of resources.  His teacher is really cute, his entire class would be made up of autistic children, they are piloting a new program this year, his classroom is directly across the hall from the school nurses (yes, plural!  And actual RNs, not just an LPN), and they would bus him to and from school.  We were all set to start school on Wednesday, August 28th.

The Thursday before (August 22nd), Allen and I each received an e-mail:

Congratulations! Your child was selected to attend Spectrum Academy for the 2013-2014 school year.

Student Name & Grade: Benjamin Cox, AM Kindergarten

Please feel free to contact us with any questions you might have.

We have attached some paperwork that we need you to go through and complete. We will also need a copy of your child's immunization record, birth certificate and IEP (if applicable) by Friday, August 21st in order to secure your child's spot for our upcoming school year. Please let us know by phone or email as soon as possible if you would like this spot.

If you would like, you can call and schedule a tour. Please call and schedule it at 801-936-0318 option 1. Your child is invited to attend if you like.

Please let me know if you have any questions.

Wendy Hansard

Office Manager - Elementary

Spectrum Academy

Truthfully, I didn't know what to do.  I felt really good about sending him to Whittier--it seems like a really great school.  Plus it would be super convenient for me, and I don't need more stress in my life.  I called them on Friday to see if we could go check it out, but everyone in the building was out for medical training.  So we went on Monday, 8/26.  It is a nice, small school, and the Kindergartens have 6 kids in them.  SIX.  And once you are in, you don't need to apply for the lottery again.  They said, "He's ours until you take him out."  That's something--to not have to worry about where he will fit in next year, or even after that, because they go all the way through high school.  

Allen was really pushing for us to accept the placement (especially since there were 70 other kids on the waiting list who would have taken his spot if we said no), and although I didn't really feel like it would be better than Whittier, I agreed.  

Benji on his first day of Kindergarten @ Spectrum Academy 

So last Tuesday was his first day of school.  It has been good thus far; it's just the drive.  There is no bussing.  There are carpools, but his class is at a weird time, and I just haven't had time to deal with it yet.  So he needs to be there at 11:45am (having eaten lunch already--the school doesn't even have it's own lunchroom!), and he is picked up at 2:45 (I think . . . Allen takes him home).  It's 18 miles away, about 25-30 minutes of drive time.  It is only 6 miles from Allen's work, so he hangs out there to take him home (unless he's doing is game thing, "hacking portals" and such).  It's growing on me; I think it will be a good place for him eventually.  It takes some getting used to, and the cost of gas is fairly significant.  I feel like we need a commuter car, but money is a bit of a problem right now too.  Ugh.

Anyway--moving on.

2.  Concerts.

On Friday, August 23rd, I went with my concert-buddy Allison to see fun. at Saltair.  Tegan & Sara opened (they are okay; I'm just not that into them).  

Me and Allison @ Saltair

It really was a great concert.  I'm not a huge fan of fun., but they put on a great show.  The energy was awesome, and they sound FANTASTIC live! I think that's the acid-test of a band's talent.  If they can sound as good or better than they do on the album, then they are worth investing time and money into.  We were kind-of stuck in the middle, and people kept pushing past us and walking around us, etc.  Two people, who were totally pushing their way to the front looked back sheepishly and said, "We're being a**holes."  To which I replied: "Pretty much."  Oh well.  It was still lovely.  The weather was PERFECT (at the end of August, it could have been a lot worse), the sunset was incredible, and it was just a delightful night.  

A panorama shot of the crowd and sunset

Here are a couple of other shots.  The iPhone does pretty well!  Not spectacular, but MUCH better than my old one.

A couple of quotes: 

"Salt Lake City?!"  "Just you f****n' wait."  And: "Does anyone here have a cell phone?"  They took some guys phone up on stage with them and took some pictures with it.  Pretty cool.

And the setlist:

Some Nights (Intro)

One Foot

Walking the Dog

All Alone

Why Am I The One

At Least I’m Not As Sad (As I Used To Be)

All The Pretty Girls

It Gets Better

Barlights

Carry On
The Gambler

You Can't Always Get What You Want (Rolling Stones cover)

We Are Young

Take Your Time

  

  Encore:

Some Nights

Stars

Good times.  That really was an excellent concert.

I also got to go to the O.C. Tanner Gift of Music concert with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, the Utah Symphony and James Taylor.  I put my name in for the lottery for that one too, and actually got tickets!  So I met my cute mom at the Conference Center last Saturday.  It was delightful!  And the programs were stunning--the typography, the printing, etc.  Gorgeous.  I took two.

It was also the same weekend as the first annual Salt Lake Comic Con, which was apparently very successful.  I took Trax downtown for the concert, and saw plenty of people dressed up, totally unashamed.  I have decided that Comic Con is like Halloween for adults, where you can dress up as whatever and whomever you want, and the treats are getting to meet stars and take cool pictures.  I'm down with that!  I'm a little sad I didn't make it more of a priority to go, because all of the pictures I have seen are awesome.  I'm sure it will be bigger and better next year, so I'll plan to get my geek on then.  

3.  Friends.

Speaking of Comic Con, my friends Diana and DeLayna went and met some cool people.  They are so funny; I love those girls.  DeLayna will be going to Japan shortly on a work assignment.  I'm so jealous!  How cool would that be?!  Speaking of . . . I need to finish watching season one of Newsroom!  Gah!  No time!

On the Saturday after the concert, my dear friend Jack Jason had a layover in SLC.  Peggy and I met up with him to have breakfast at Lamb's Grill downtown.  It was so lovely to catch up!  I was hoping to meet up with them in New York next month, but alas--I have no money, honey.  Especially after fighting with T-Mobile over an account I was assured was closed.  Grr.

JJD, Me and Peggy! 

We had a bit of a "Gaufre War," (get it?) in which we were to decide who makes the better waffle (see JJD's descriptions and lovely pictures here).  I was a little disappointed in the boys @ Saturday's Waffle, since they now have teenagers running it, so I was in agreement: the Belge wins.  Bruges Waffles is amazing (always get the gaufres liegoises!).  As we were walking down the street back to get his suitcase from his hotel, I totally biffed it.  CHEWING. ASPHALT.  My knees and my ego are still bruised and sore from that rather humiliating experience (um, I'm pretty sure my skirt flipped up over my waist, and there were plenty of people around to witness it!), but it was still worthwhile, and I'll just blame it on my cute-but-dangerous wedges.  These are two of my most favourite people in the world!  I'd do it again in a heartbeat if it meant seeing them!

4.  Family.

My last post may give you a hint as to the drama in the family.  It's kind-of quiet at the moment, but I think we are all walking on eggshells for a little while; at least until Mom & Dad leave.  Did I mention that they received their mission call?  They are going to Peru, and the leave ON THURSDAY.  Yikes!  It's coming waaaay too fast!  I'm excited for them, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to be in the opposite hemisphere!

Mom & Dad came down to SLC last week for their missionary training at the Church Office Building.  I was working while they were here (and they were some of the busiest days I have seen all year--no chance of leaving early!), and Mom had a wee health scare.  She had been short-of-breath, dizzy, nauseated, etc.  She got an appointment to see a cardiologist (not hers, but they still got her in the next day--a minor miracle).  Turns out that she was in atrial fibrillation, or her heart wasn't beating correctly.  She has had problems with the electrical conduction and scar tissue from her ASD repair in 1984 (which, back then, meant open-heart surgery).  When I had my PFO repair in 2004 (a very small version of an ASD), they were able to do it using a small catheter threaded up through the femoral artery.  Thankfully, I haven't had to deal with anything like Mom has, but she is a trouper. 

Anyway, they scheduled her for a TEE and Cardioversion the following morning.  Since Dad was still in meetings all day, we arranged for Allen to come home from work early so he could take Benji to school.  I was able to meet Mom @ IMC (my place of work, conveniently), where everything went swimmingly.  They did the shock to her heart, and they said it looks great now.  She will have a nuclear stress test this Wednesday, but they said she should be okay to fly out on Thursday as planned.  What a blessing!  I thought they would delay her a couple of weeks, but we are pressing forward.  I am so grateful we were able to get this taken care of so quickly and efficiently.  And I'm glad I was able to be at the hospital with her.  

I will be taking Benji up to Logan tomorrow for their 'setting apart,' which is a priesthood blessing given to a member of the church when he or she undertakes a new calling.  I am excited and nervous; these will be difficult holidays without them here.  They will be great, I'm sure.  It will be such an amazing experience for them.  There is nothing like living in another country to help you appreciate the life you have built for yourself.

****

And that's about it for now.  I can't believe I have written this entirely at work--after last week, it's hard to imagine things being as quiet as they have been for the past hour or so!  Please let me know what's going on with you.  Love to all!