The Shaping of a Life

I wanted to post some pictures of my sweet little nephew Ezra!  I was very blessed to have been present at his birth, and I kind-of did my first 'birth story' as a photographer.  It was fun, and it was such a privilege to see this amazing process from this point of view.  It doesn't hurt that Dave & Lexy are super photogenic, and they are family, so I was totally comfortable around them.

You can't tell, but that is a jar of Prego, and her shirt says "I {heart} my hubby."  I took this right before they left for the hospital on January 1st.  We got to their house on Sunday 12/29, and Lex was contracting almost the whole time.  She also had a terrible cough, so she was miserable.  Coughing  + contractions?  NO THANK YOU.    She was a very good sport about it, though.  Technically she did go into the hospital to be induced, but it wouldn't have been much longer if she hadn't.  So she and Dave {and Lexy's sister Kim} put the kids down {they had a sleep-over in the sweet Master Suite}, and they went to the West Valley Hospital, about 13 miles from their home in Goodyear.

I asked them to call me if anything happened overnight, but they just let her rest and 'ripen' (whatever that means!).  I arrived about 6:30am on Thursday, January 2nd.  This was my view at that point:

Not exactly sure what the star was for . . .

Lexy snoozing in the early morning

Dave trying to stay warm

Lex had already gotten her epidural, so she was resting quite comfortably.  The nurse was in and out (and I had to step out a few times), but Dr. Sun came in to see her around 8am, and he broke her water.

Lexy and her nurse Paula

The armbands.  They got another one after the baby was born.

Vital signs monitoring.  Baby's heart rate was 150, Mom's blood
pressure was111/64 and SpO2 was 97%.  Can you say "Rockstar?"

Contraction monitor

So we all got ready.  Lexy and I did our makeup, and Dave ordered breakfast for himself.  Dave didn't want me to take a picture of him without his hair done.  I did get one, however, of his breakfast feast.

"Put on a little makeup, makeup . . ."

. . . with a little time-out for a contraction.

Dave's ginormous breakfast 

Nurse Paula, checking stuff out.

 Lexy was dying for some water, but she had to content herself with ice chips and saline nose spray.

What up?

I love this picture! Classic!

The White Board of Doom . . . with our predictions across the top.
Dave was closest in time and weight; I was closest in height.  

Lexy's epidural wasn't really working on one whole side of her body, so they did some interesting positioning, had the anesthesiologist come back in to give her a bolus of Fentanyl, and even used the peanut ball at one point.

Betcha can't guess why they call it a "peanut ball."

The Buddha Position

Trying to get some relief

At least she wasn't too uncomfortable for long.  Around 10am, she was fully dilated.  She was bravely holding on until Dr. Sun came back.

Seriously . . . who looks this gorgeous when they are having a baby?  My sister-in-law!

Baby had a few decelerations with the contractions, so they decided to put an oxygen mask on her.

And Dave was at her side the whole time.

One of my favorites from the whole day.

Dr. Sun finally made his way to room #234 {he had spent some time next door with a lady who was SCREAMING!}, and it was time to get into position.  I took my place in the 'safety zone.'

Dr. Sun getting gowned up for his first delivery of 2014!  With Mary Ann, the nursery RN

Then it was time to push!  I had to put down my camera for a couple of minutes, as it was distracting the doctor.  So this is what I got of the pushing.

Holding her breath, and pushing for three counts of 10

And . . . he came out just perfectly!

Suctioning out his little nose and mouth

Baby was crying and peeing all over everything!

And Dave announced that his name would be Ezra Patrick Nolan.  I LOVE IT.

Bringing Ezra up for some skin-to-skin contact with mom

Sweet baby boy!

A very small glimpse of the placenta in the background

Dave & I followed Mary Ann over to the incubator while Paula and Dr. Sun took care of Lexy.

Look at those wrinkles!

Massage and APGARs

Getting weighed--bigger than any of us thought he would be!

Looking concerned

Thanks for the hat, but take me back to my mommy!

Yes, sir!

Handing him over

I took some time out to e-mail pictures to Dave, so he could send out the announcement to the family.  Then I got a few more pictures before his first bath.

And some with daddy.

A couple of him getting cleaned up.

Angry babies!

Finally drying off

Then Nurse Paula got Lexy up to use the restroom.  Since her epidural was only working on one side, one of her legs was still numb.  So she got to use this cool half-sitting, half-standing contraption.

Lexy with Nurse Paula {and being photobombed by Nurse Mary Ann}

We got ready to be transferred out of Labor & Delivery, into the post-partum room.

Ready to roll.

Me with the cutest little man!

All settled in to the new room.

I've gotta go to bed.  I'll do another post with the kiddos meeting their new brother for the first time.  It's very sweet.  This whole experience was just amazing.  I love these people, and especially this tiny boy!

*Please do not use these pictures without permission!  Thank you!

What Are You Doing New Year Eve?

I have been so neglectful of my blog.  I do want to keep it up--I have a lot to say!--but I have been so busy, and not in a good way.

The whole month of December just flew by.  I worked almost every single day, I had a bunch of on-call shifts and a couple of volunteer days at Benji's school, and car drama (I totaled my car on December 3rd), Christmas cards and gifts and stuff hanging over my head.  I was exhausted.  I am still recovering, and I'm not sure that my current 'vacation' will be all that restful.  It hasn't started out that way, with Benji refusing to fall asleep in Las Vegas (there were lots of tears involved in that one), and Allen taking off today to drive to some museum south of Tucson, so he was MIA for about 10 hours.  I have gotten a fair amount of reading done; I'm working on "The Casual Vacancy" by J.K. Rowling.  I was hoping for something Harry Potter-esque, but this was Jo's first big project away from the world of Muggles and Magic, so with all the subtlety of a recent high school graduate, she went quite in the opposite direction.  The writing is excellent, but definitely R-rated.

We are currently in Phoenix, to help Dave & Lexy with baby #4, who is due next Sunday.  Lex is sooo uncomfortable and has a cold on top of it all, so with her being so miserable, I'm thinking she'll go early.  I hope so, anyway!  I can't wait to meet this new little friend!

Well, Christmas went in such a blur, with nary a picture taken, I think we'll just skip a post devoted to the holiday.  Let's go to the Year-In-Review post instead, eh?  This is fairly similar to the one I did last year, and the year before that, and the year before that, but it's actually from this blog.  I won't really review what went on in the world, but as far as big news stories go, this is a pretty good run-down of 2013.

What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?
Total my car.  I have been in small fender-benders before, but none that have caused me this much grief.  Goodbye, Silvano.  I miss you.

Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Well, I resolved to be fabulous.  The result?  Not so much.  Of course I do have more resolutions and plans for 2014, but I'm notoriously bad at keeping them.  I need real motivation, and I think I may have found it.  {More on that later.}

Did anyone close to you give birth?

Not really close.  Lex is going to pop any moment, so that should be fun!

Did anyone close to you die?

My dear Ann.  I miss her.  A lot.  

What countries did you visit?

Does 24 hours in Idaho count?

What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?

The courage to actually do what I need to do.

What date from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory?

I don't remember the date, but our last trip to Bear Lake was kind-of a big deal.  Also, Friday September 13, as the date my parents left for their mission in Peru.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I don't really have one.  This year has kind-of sucked that way.  I guess it could be the back-handed achievement of a goal to own a car built in the same decade in which I am living.  Of course, I don't own it (I haven't even driven it yet . . .), but I suppose it's mine.  The payments will be, anyway.

What was your biggest failure?

My total rejection from P.A. school.  I was a little too confident with my application and telling everyone about it, and I didn't even get an interview.  That really sucked.

Did you suffer illness or injury?

Thankfully, no.

What was the best thing you bought?

My suitcase.  I got it for 70% off at Target, and it's awesome.  I've never owned luggage that doesn't have an IHC logo on it.

Whose behavior merited celebration?

Benji has made some progress this year.  He has regressed some, too (he rarely uses utensils to eat, and he's pretty much back in pull-ups full-time).  But he is getting better at listening, and he can obey some simple commands.  That's something!

Where did most of your money go?

Bills.  Gas.  Food.  A few concerts.  Gifts.  And did I mention gas?  

What did you get really, really, really excited about?

I think the highlight of my year was going to the Keane concert in Boise last January.  I was also very excited about receiving an iPad mini for my birthday.  I also got a little too excited about the Doctor Who 50th Anniversary.

What song will always remind you of 2013?

I'm sure I listened to the whole album "Babel" by Mumford & Sons more than anything else this year, but particularly "Ghosts That We Knew."  As far as popular songs go, I believe I shall do Mary's Top 10 popular songs of 2013 here.  No judgement.

10.  tied: "Catch My Breath" by Kelly Clarkson and "Royals" by Lorde

9.  "Thrift Shop" by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

8.  "Sail" by AWOLNATION (though the song almost always reminds me of this video--LOL!)

7.  "Carry On" by fun.

6.  "My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark" by Fall Out Boy

5.  "Ho Hey" by The Lumineers

4.  "Gone Gone Gone" by Phillip Phillips

3.  "Miss Jackson" by Panic! At The Disco

2.  "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons

1.  "Hopeless Wanderer" by Mumford & Sons

Compared to this time last year, are you:

   Happier or sadder? Sadder.

   Thinner or fatter? Fatter.  It sucks.

   Richer or poorer?  Poorer.  Can you see why this has not been my best year?

What do you wish you’d done more of?  Exercising.  Spending time with my boy.

What do you wish you’d done less of?  Staying up too late.

How will you be spending Christmas?

Next Christmas?  Not sure.  Probably in Logan.

Did you fall in love in 2013?

With a certain time-travelling alien who has two hearts.

Who were your best friends?

Peggy, Allison, and my siblings.

What thing did you do that was meaningful to others?

I would hope that the whole Christmas card ordeal means a little to the people to whom I send them.  They are a lot of work!  This is what they looked like.

{front}

{back, in black & white}

I wasn't in love with them, so I'm going to simplify next year.  Really.

What were your favorite TV programs?

I became a Whovian this year, and spent a lot of time with the Doctor.  Other than Doctor Who, I watch Downton Abbey, Call the Midwife, HIMYM, Glee, Grey's Anatomy, The Mindy Project, Super Fun Night, The Following, and Broadchurch.  It's a little ridiculous. 

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Um, Miley Cyrus?

What was the best book you read in 2013?

I haven't read a lot this year, but "The Heretic's Daughter" by Kathleen Kent and "Inferno" by Dan Brown were standouts.   

What was your greatest musical discovery?

Mumford & Sons.  Not a real 'discovery,' but more of a realization of how much I like them.

What did you want and get?

An iPad.  Of course, it was expropriated by the boy, and the cracked screen is only held together by an Otterbox.  We call it his iPad.  I did want an iPhone, and I got it.  That has been nice.

What did you want but did NOT get?

An interview with the University of Utah Physican's Assistant Program.  And a trip to New York.

What was your favorite film of this year?

Probably "The Great Gatsby" or "Star Trek Into Darkness."  Other movies I saw in the theater?  "Iron Man 3" (meh), "The Hunger Games: Catching Fire" (awesome, especially as a double-feature after "The Day of the Doctor"), "Man of Steel" (meh), "Monsters University" (love!), "Gravity" (amazing!), and Lee Daniels' "The Butler," (fascinating).  I started reading "City of Bones," but I couldn't even finish the book, so I never saw the movie.  And I probably never will.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 34.  This is the account of the day.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

A housekeeper.  The house being a mess seriously stresses me out, and I'm the only one who cleans. Since I don't do that very well, and since I'm up too late and have too much to do and not enough energy, I have a lot of stress.  Self-induced, I'll admit, but a lot nonetheless.

What kept you sane?

I'm going to plead the 5th on that one.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

David Tennant.  LOVE!

What political issue stirred you the most?

Gay marriage. Or, I should say, marriage.

Who did you miss?

My family.  Dave & Lexy moved to Phoenix in April, Rach & Wow moved to Logan in August, and Mom & Dad went to Peru on a mission.  So none of us are as close (physically or otherwise) as we used to be.  That makes me sad.

Who was the best new person you met this year?

Benji's new teacher Jacque.  She's awesome.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.

I am the only one standing in my way.

Quote that sums up your year:

There are many.  I will take a verse from "Holland Road" by Mumford & Sons.

"But I still believe though there's cracks you'll see,

When I'm on my knees I'll still believe,

And when I've hit the ground, neither lost nor found,

If you'll believe in me I'll still believe."

*sigh*  That's all for now, folks.  Not my best year, all in all.  I do have high hopes (and actual plans and motivations) to make next year count.  Out with the old . . .

Name Them One By One

To add to the list of my rejections, here's another one: many (I dare say most) of my Facebook friends were tagged with a number, and they had to write a status containing that number of things people didn't know about them.  Apparently no one wanted to know anything about me, even though I liked and commented on many people's lists.  It shouldn't bug me, nor should the fact that I'm cutting my Thanksgiving holiday short to cover a shift for someone who is going out of town, but when she covered a few hours for me on Monday, and she found out where I went, my excuse wasn't good enough for her.  Seriously?  What I do with my time is none of your beeswax, missy.  Try requesting the time off before the deadline like the rest of us, and don't expect my help again any time soon with an attitude like that. 

But--it is now early morning on Thanksgiving.  I have not been participating in the 'grateful' game on Facebook (which was going strong in the beginning of November, but has tapered off significantly).  I really do try to be grateful--I try to thank all of the people who help me in the O.R., especially the orderlies who work so hard.  I'm less thankful at home, because Allen and I rarely see each other, and (although I shouldn't) I don't often give thanks because I don't often get thanks.  I have to remind Allen of the things I do to get a thank you out of him, and that gets old.

Okay--enough complaining.  It's time to count my blessings (and maybe you'll learn something about me).  C'mon, Mary.  It's freaking Thanksgiving!  (These are in random order.)

1.  I'm grateful for my car.  It needs repairs, and it drives me crazy when Benji kicks open the center console (which he does CONSTANTLY), but it is pretty reliable, fun to drive, and has an awesome sound system.  Plus, it's pretty cute.

2.  I'm grateful for our house--especially for my craft room/office.  It's MY space--it has so many of my favourite things in it, and it's nice to have a place of my own.

3.  I am grateful for 4-H.  I learned so many life skills (especially cooking!) in those little meetings in Panguitch.  It was a very good thing.

4.  I'm grateful for Doctor Who.  Yes, it's cheesy, and super-nerdy, but I LOVE IT.  I drove to Logan with my friend Lorraine on Saturday to watch "The Day of the Doctor" at Rachael's house, and I saw it again at the Cinemark in Jordan Landing on Monday night.  I love that it brings so many people together, who might not otherwise know each other.  For example, I have worked with Lorraine for years, but I never really got to know her until I found out she was a Whovian.  And she is awesome.  Yes, she is a little crazy, but she's really a great person.

5.  I am grateful for my musical training (thanks, Mom & Dad!).  I spent several years taking piano lessons and cello lessons and bass lessons, and I played in the orchestra all through High School.  I learned how to love and appreciate music, to read it and understand it.  I would like to take singing lessons at some point, since one item on my bucket list is to be in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, but . . . I have other priorities at the moment.  

6.  I am grateful for my family.  We are going through a rough patch right now, but they truly are my favorite people.  I am extremely blessed to have such wonderful people in my tribe.

7.  I am grateful for my happy childhood.  For a long time, I thought my parents were mean, or didn't care about me.  Of course, now that I'm a parent, I'm in awe of how they raised all six of us with what we needed.  I had a lot of freedom, because they knew they could trust me.  I wasn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I wasn't smothered or shamed--I was encouraged to work hard and that good grades were their own reward.  

8.  I am grateful for my job.  Some things (and some people) drive me nuts, but all in all--I enjoy it.  I like to help patients, to talk with highly educated people on a daily basis, to learn new things, and to get a paycheck.  I wish I didn't have to work full-time, but there are a lot of people out there who wish they could.

9.  I am grateful for my insurance, and that my premiums only went up $3/paycheck.  We have a high-deductible plan ($3,000 deductible/$6,000 out-of-pocket max), and it makes me a little nervous.  It has been okay this past year (no major catastrophes!), so we'll try it again.  Considering how much some people are having to pay for insurance (thanks to Obamacare), I feel very blessed.  I think Scott and Peggy are paying more per month in premiums than I am paying for an entire year, and for basically the same insurance.  Crazy.

10.  I am grateful for my ward.  There are a lot of great people in my neighborhood, and their testimonies help strengthen my own.  Some people see how much we struggle through church, and we have received some lovely notes of encouragement.  I got a call from a neighbor last week, who was just thinking about me.  It's very sweet, and I'm thankful for people who are able to see past my 'brave face.'

11.  I'm thankful for my senses--that I can see beautiful colors and faces, that I can smell the heavenly scents of Thanksgiving, that I can hear the Christmas carols on the radio, that I can touch the soft skin of my little boy, that I can taste all of the lovely dishes we will eat later today.  

12.  I'm thankful for my body, that I am able to walk and move freely, that my mind is able to comprehend the things I read, see and hear, and that I am able to communicate by so many methods. 

13.  I am thankful for my friends and extended family.  I know some truly amazing people. 

I was going to try to get to #28, since today is the 28th of November, but I'm really tired and I need to get up early to drive to Logan in time to get some pigs-in-a-blanket for breakfast.  SAVE ME SOME PIGGIES!

Count your blessings, name them one by one.  

Count your many blessings, see what God has done.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.  Make it a good one.

I Don't Know If I've Ever Been Good Enough

One would think I'd be used to rejection by now.  I've had a lot of it in my lifetime, and it seems like I've had quite a lot lately.  A few examples, you ask?  Sure.  The following are examples from the past couple of months.

• After working all night, shopping, cleaning, struggling through church and cooking dinner, my friends text me to cancel.  No reason is given, but I find out later that they went out to dinner instead.  Okay.
• One of the managers at work pulls me into her office to tell me that one of the doctors has requested that I not work with him anymore, because my back is slightly exposed by my sterile gown.  They ordered a larger size, and I need to wear those now.  No problem.  
• I got an e-mail from the University of Utah, telling me that I was not selected for the P.A. Program.  I don't even get an interview.  Oh--and I only get three chances to apply, so this is my first strike.  Eating humble pie, but not wholly unexpected.
• I found out that one of my best friends from high school, who now lives in Florida, was in Logan for her grandmother's funeral.  We made plans to see each other sometime Saturday afternoon, so I took a day-trip (90 miles each way, with Benji in tow) and waited.  After a few hours, she texted me: "We just finished and I'm exhausted.  I think I have to skip. :(  I'm really sorry."  I understand.  No big deal.
• I was assigned to work in OR 18 the other day, with one Dr. W.  He is notoriously picky about who he lets work in his room, and he has sent me away before (supposedly because he doesn't know me, though I have worked with him in the past).  I told the charge nurse that, and she said he didn't really have a choice.  So I gather my supplies and come in the room and start opening my gloves.  He looked up from the OR table and said: 

          Dr. W: "Uh, who is this?"
          Me: "Mary."
          Dr. W: "Who are you here for?"
          {I gestured to Eileen, his first-assistant and girlfriend}
          Dr. W: "Who is the charge nurse?"
          Me: "Stephanie."
          He paused for a few moments, while continuing to work.
          Me: "Is it okay if I scrub in?"
          Dr. W:  "I'm sorry, Mary.  Not right now."
          I knew that was coming.  He is who he is.

These are just a few examples.  Let's not forget the trauma of planning parties to which nobody shows up, having your best friend break up with you because you are too needy, or telling someone you are in love with him, only to have him tell you he's just not interested.  Those are long past, so they shouldn't still hurt, right?  Riiiiight.  You know, I try really hard to be chill, to go with the flow, to not be easily offended.  Well, tonight was the straw that broke the camel's back, and I unleashed a small torrent of bile and vitriol in the form of ugly texts toward my unsuspecting and undeserving sister.  Sarah, I'm truly sorry for the mean things I said.  The way I unloaded on you was completely inappropriate and unfair.  It was a little thing (and we aren't supposed to let the little things bother us, right?), but it just hit me the wrong way.

Sarah asked me if she could use my camera on Saturday.  I asked her why, and she said Savannah had asked her (Sarah) to take her engagement photos.  I offered to, but Sarah said, "She wants really flattering angles and tometimes (sic) you take not so flattering pics of people lol."

The fact that it was a joke to her set me off.  I knew I shouldn't have been offended, but I was.  You know how, when people are angry in cartoons, smoke comes out of their ears?  My ears were red, quite literally.  I could feel it.  So I replied, getting more and more sarcastic and snarky.  I said, "Wow.  Thanks."

Sarah: "No offense.  You like the candid shots but she just wants to make sure it's very flattering.  That's all."
Me: "Kinda hard not to be.  And sure, you can take my camera, even though you've never used a Nikon DSLR before (except mine).  Should work out great for you."
S:  "Wow.  I really wasn't meaning to offend Mary.  She's just nervous about looking big in her photos.  She'd been reading up on plus size photography and asked me to do it so I thought I'd ask.  But really if you're offended then we can do without."  {She then texted me a link to http://plussizephotography.blogspot.com/}
I thought for a few minutes before I sent her this one.  I shouldn't have done it, but for two seconds it felt good.  I said: "I'm sure reading one website and taking 10,000 selfies makes you amply qualified.  No worries.  It's the camera that makes ALL the difference.  Experience is way overrated."

Sarah replied very reasonably, telling me I was choosing to be offended and that she had no idea where this anger was coming from.  I said some things she didn't deserve or need to read, and some of which really weren't true, either.  I did try to come up with an analogy, so that she could understand how I felt.  This is what I should have said: How would you feel if I had a friend who needed counseling, and I sent her to a different social worker because I don't think she would like what you had to say?  I told Sarah she is a great social worker, and she has a lot of experience giving advice and helping people.  She takes pride in that.  Photography isn't my chosen career, but I have been studying and trying to figure it out for several years.  But apparently that doesn't count, because not all of my pictures are flattering.

I then apologized.  I said, "Basically, I'm sorry.  I love you, I love Savannah, and I'm angry at myself for reacting the way I did.  You are welcome to use my camera."

Sarah said: "I'm sorry too.  My approach was less than diplomatic and I should have thought twice about it.  I love you too.  Thanks for the apology.  We're all human and I'm happy to forgive when someone owns it. :-)"

Again, Sarah, I'm sorry.  I shouldn't have been offended.  I should have just let it go, like I have tried to do with all of the aforementioned rejections.  I really do try to keep the peace and avoid confrontation, and to do so, I rarely stand up for myself.  I take it, because it shouldn't be a big deal; I have bigger things to worry about; and if that person really knew me, he or she might think differently.

But what was different about this was that my sister does know me.  She knows that I do put a lot of time and money and effort into my photography, and it became a joke.  Something I work hard at suddenly became worthless, and that hurt.  No, I don't put all of the value of my work on one person's opinion, but for someone who hates herself as much as I do, to have one of very few things I like about myself stripped away by a text message just sucks.

A few weeks ago, I had a good conversation with Peggy over breakfast at Denny's.  She said that I would always find a reason to be unhappy.  Even if Allen were the perfect husband or if Benji wasn't autistic, I would still feel the same way, because I don't love myself.  Because I don't believe that anyone really could love me.  And it's true: I believe I am unloveable.  I know Heavenly Father loves ALL of His children, and maybe He does love me, but I don't know how to feel it.  I don't know how to love my husband, because I don't believe he actually could love me.  There must be something wrong with him if he does.

I really don't know how to feel loved.  Hell--I don't even know how to take a compliment.  I start crying when someone says something nice about me.  So I try to direct the attention away from myself.  I stay behind the lens, so I don't have to be in the picture.  I stay busy with Benji and my shows and my job and my calling and my chores so I don't have to think about the sad state of my tattered, unwanted heart.

I probably shouldn't even publish this post.  Like so many others, it should probably remain in draft form.  This isn't a cry for help, and I'm not looking for validation or anything; I just needed to get this weight off my chest, so tomorrow I can go back to trying to stay afloat.  I just struggle, and writing is therapeutic for me.

Happier stuff next time, I promise.