So Much To Say

A new post!  Are you so excited?!  Yeah, I thought so.

Just kidding.

I finally finished watching "How I Met Your Mother" last night (through season 6, anyway).  Everything else pretty much fell to the wayside while I was watching.  I don't think I have gone to bed before 2am in the past three weeks.  It's usually closer to 3am, and last night was 4am, just so I could finish it.  Yes, I know I have a problem.  That's why I'm very reluctant to start watching new t.v. series or start new books--my life can't go back to normal until I have finished them!  Netflix only has through season 6, so I'm thinking I'll have to do the Hulu + thing.  But if I subscribe to that, then I'll have to watch all of this season's Grey's Anatomy, Glee, and How I Met Your Mother.  That's too much commitment at the moment, so I'll wait until a) I can't stand it anymore, b) I have some time and have mostly caught up on stuff I have let slide for the past few weeks, or c) all of the above.

There are a lot of things I have been meaning to write about (future blog fodder), like:

• I want to start a recipe and/or craft blog; nothing huge, mostly a place for me to put my favorite recipes since I'm always misplacing my cookbook(s).
• Finishing up the cruise summaries (it WILL happen!)
• Write about make-up (that one is coming . . . and it will probably be pretty underwhelming, but I want to do it just the same)
• Compare and contrast HIMYM with Scrubs (another random post important to nobody but me)
• More music/opinion posts (those will be coming too, since I have a couple of awesome concerts coming up!)
• Spiritual stuff, especially with the lessons I have been teaching in Relief Society.

And then, there are the posts I really SHOULD do, like family stuff, preschool graduation, pictures, etc.  Part of the problem is that I take so many pictures, it's a little overwhelming.  I need to let go of the compulsion to edit every picture I post, but if you haven't figured out how obsessive I am over certain things, you will never, ever, ever know me.  Oooo-ooooohh.

Until I actually get to these things, this will have to tide you over.  Here are a few pictures from this past month.

This one doesn't have much to do with Mother's Day, but it's one of very few semi-successful action-shots I have gotten.  It is entitled, "Lily Running."  Super creative, I know.

I didn't really get any pictures of my Mom on Mother's Day (I definitely did not get the "best daughter award" this year!); I just took a bunch of pictures at the backyard bbq.  It was getting dark, and the kids were running pretty fast, so I was quite happy with this one.  You're welcome, Mach.

I did want to get a decent picture of my boy to give to his preschool teachers, so I got this one of him while we were in Logan:

There may have been better photos from that mini-shoot, but I love the look in his eye.  That's my Benji.

I got some great pictures at Ella's birthday party, so it really does deserve it's own post.  But this one just cracks me up.  It is entitled "Sister Shenanigans."

Rebecca was pretending to steal Sarah's new purse, so they had to ham it up for the camera.  Sometimes we just get into other people's pictures for a laugh, and that was Mach.  That reminded me of another classic from the cruise:

And another from last year's N.F.H.P.

But I digress.  Back to this month.  After teaching R.S. a couple of weeks ago, I headed downtown to the "Living Traditions Festival" to watch Peggy do some Basque dancing.  I didn't know Jack was doing it too, so I was pretty happy to get this picture (which I edited, and Peggy uploaded to her facebook using Instagram.  I admit I was a little offended!).

And this face is just classic Peggy.  It brings a little tear of joy to my eye.  Je t'aime, ma puce, and happy 10th to you and Scott-babes.

Then we had Zekey's birthday party.  My camera battery died halfway through (way to go, Mare!), but I got this cute one of the birthday boy with Pablo.  He's such a cute poquito caballero (yes, my spanish sucks.)  Lex did such a great job with the Curious George/Circus theme.  It was lots o' fun.

From Benji's last day of preschool at Lincoln, this is a picture of him with his teacher, Miss Erica.  And she's tickling his hands.  Sweet, silly boy.

I need to finish this up, but I did want to mention a nice moment from yesterday: I really am trying to be more active, and I wanted to take Benji for a little hike.  As we were driving up to Little Cottonwood Canyon, some Air Supply came on the radio, and I cranked it up and sang along to "Every Woman In The World."  It's kinda lame, but I had a fleeting feeling that I am doing okay as a mom.  I want Benji to remember me singing, I want him to love the music I love, the music that I grew up with, and I want to take him on little adventures.  The moment didn't last long, but it was nice to feel like maybe I am doing something right.

And there's May in a nutshell.  I really will try to elaborate . . . on verra.  Bonne nuit.

Mother

No, this is not a post about Mothers, or how awesome my mom is.  Truly, she is fantastic, and I think she had a nice Mother's Day.  No, this is a post about something much more shallow.

I have been spending waaaaay too much time with these friends:



Yes, this is the cast of "How I Met Your Mother."  Suited-up.  Honestly, before I started watching it (they have it all on Netflix . . . gah!), I didn't know anything about it.  I knew Neil Patrick Harris and Jason Segel were in it, but that was all.  Turns out, the main character is Ted (in the middle).  It's supposed to be about him, telling his kids (in the year 2030) about how he met their mother.  Ted is adorable, Barney is freaking hilarious, and Marshall and Lily are awesome.  Sidebar: why is it that so many characters named Lily are redheads?  Coincidence?  I think not.  Anyway, it's really funny, definitely in the vein of "Friends" and not too far off from "Scrubs," although instead of fantasies, it's flashbacks.  It's set in New York, it's about their relationships with each other, etc., etc.  Ted and Robin have to end up together, right?  That's the way these shows go!  Plus, they are all supposed to be about my age.  That's always nice.  Sidebar #2: Did you know that Robin (Cobie Smulders) plays Agent Maria Hill in the Avengers?  Thank you, IMDB!  Sidebar over.

Unfortunately, I'm only on Season 2.  They are just finishing up Season 7.  Once I start something, I have a hard time stopping, but I have to work 12-hour shifts today and tomorrow.  Darn those 22-minute episodes! You can't watch just one!

(P.S.  Check out Barney's Blog.  It's killing me!)

Trying to Throw Your Arms Around the World

In my last post, I forgot to mention the whole insurance issue.  A pro of working full-time is that I get decent insurance for a decent price ($180/mo, $350 deductible pp/$1050 for family, out-of-pocket maximum $2000 pp/$5000 family).  Not great, but not terrible.  My sister Sarah suggested I drop to part-time.  Oh, how I would like to.  Unfortunately, insurance is a really big issue.  For employees who work part-time, the cost of their insurance is more than double what it is for full-time employees.  So, you are making less and putting out more money for the same thing you get if you work more.  Basically, you are working for the insurance.  If Allen's company's insurance weren't super-duper crappy (way less coverage for way more money), the decision would be much easier--I'd go part-time in a heartbeat.  I might not even work at all.

That's the crux of my problem.  I think I would feel quite differently about working if there were a clear choice in the matter.  All those other reasons are valid, but it really boils down to insurance, i.e., taking care of my family.  If I have to work, I want something more out of it than just insurance.  I want a paycheck.  I want to keep and maintain skills.  Is it worth it to spend so much time away from my child just to save money?  Should I really have to ask that question?  Would it be better for me to be the homemaker and mother and spiritual woman I always wanted to be, or is it better for me to take care of my family temporally--monetarily and physically by making sure we can afford to pay the bills?

I don't know what is better.  I don't really feel like I have a choice in the matter (logically, it's not worth it for me to work part-time), but I do.  Maybe insurance isn't the real problem; maybe it's trust.  Growing up, I was taught to work hard and earn my keep, go to school and contribute to society,  I have tried.  I was taught to live the gospel of Jesus Christ, to listen to the prophets and trust in the Lord.  I have tried that too, though that is really where I am failing myself and my family.  I go to church, I try to fulfill my duties, I work hard to make our home livable, but it is certainly not the "heaven on earth" I'm supposed to create.  I'd probably be happier if I put more focus on that.  But it's difficult to scuba dive when you've let your tank float to shore and it's all you can do to keep your head above water.  I'm sure there are beautiful reefs and exotic marine life to be seen, if only I trusted someone else to help me breathe.

Do I understand what I'm missing beneath the waves?

When She Goes to Work

I will get around to finishing blogging about the cruise, but I'm just not up for dealing with pictures again right now.  There are so many, and they have to be edited and collaged and uploaded . . . it just takes a long time (even with the minimal editing).  It will come, though, don't you worry.*

**Yes, I know that most of my readers really don't care what we did or didn't do on our vacation, but it is important to me.  And since you are actually reading this, it should be important to you too. ;o)

Okay . . . onto tonight's topic.  Why do I work full-time?  I have been asking myself that question quite often lately, and there's a whole buffet of pros and cons, with lots of guilt to be had on the side.  Let's explore that a little bit.

Unfortunately, a little history is required.  Let's go back to 2006, shall we?  Allen and I had been married for less than a year, when a career advancement opportunity arose for me.  I was working part-time as a CNA at Primary Children's Medical Center, and I was trying to finish up my Bachelor's degree at the same time.  It was a decent job, paying around $10/hour.  I was cruising the employment section of IHC's website, and I found a notice for a position, which included paid training to become a Surgical Technologist at LDS Hospital.  The training alone would have been a nice raise for me, and once the training was completed, another raise would be given.  Honestly, I had never even considered working in surgery until I saw that notice.  I talked it over with Allen, and we decided that I should apply.

Well, I obviously got the job.  I was excited and a little nervous about this new frontier.  On the first day of our class (at the end of June 2006), they had each of us sign a contract: that once we had completed the training, we would be required to work full-time for IHC (Intermountain Healthcare) for two years, or for 4,000 hours.  If we did not work those 4,000 hours, we would have to pay back a graduated portion of what this training was worth (which was, in their estimation, several thousand dollars).  So all ten of us were locked into this contract before we had any idea what we were getting into.  One fellow ended up dropping out a couple of months into it, but the only reason why they let him out of his contract was because he was in the military and had been called up for active duty.

This training involved class and clinicals, working at least five days/week (including most Saturdays), for about 5 months--we finished in December 2006.  It was pretty intense, especially considering that most Surgical Tech training programs are at least 12 months long, and some are even longer.  I remember having a small nervous breakdown somewhere that fall, but I know I wasn't alone.  Most of the other students had a relatively difficult time, too.  So the 4,000-hour countdown started at the end of 2006.

Well, I worked full-time the next year (2007), mostly doing night-shifts while I finished my BA in Biology.  I learned a lot, and while the hour requirement still made me nervous, I actually began to enjoy my job.  Then, in August, I dislocated my shoulder (the first time) and found out that I was pregnant.  I had to take a few weeks off for my shoulder, and in January 2008 I was put on "bedrest" for mild hypertension and pre-eclampsia.  The bedrest wasn't very restful, especially since we moved from Sugar House up to Bountiful (on my birthday in 2008), but it was nice to not have to work during that time.  Even so, it all counted toward the maximum number of hours I could take for a paid leave (12 weeks/year for full-time employees).  By the time monsieur was born, I only had a few weeks left.  I took what time off I could, then I had to return to work full-time.  I still had more than one year to go on my contract, so I worked because I had to.

I had planned on dropping down to part-time after I had fulfilled my contract, but then this happened (this is a chart of the Dow Jones Industrial Average around this time period) :

(Chart courtesy of: http://techfarm.blogspot.com/2010/08/scary-similarity-charts-1929-1930-and.)

Just as I was finishing up the required hours of my contract, the economy dropped out.  A bunch of people at Allen's work had been laid-off, so we were pretty nervous about that.  I also remember the price of gas going from a low of $1.29/gal to $4.50/gal in 2008, and I felt lucky to a) have a job at all, and b) have a car that got 35+ mpg (yes, Gigi was a piece of you-know-what, but she rocked on the mileage).  So . . . I kept working.

And I have been working full-time ever since then.  Part of it is lack of confidence in the economy itself, and part of it is lack of faith in my husband, that he could provide for all of us in this economy.  His job is definitely not 'recession-proof,' and his lack of education has made it difficult to move up any kind of ladder. Oh, he's smart--Allen teaches himself plenty of things, and he has a ton of work experience to recommend him, but he hasn't been in school since 1991.  A lot has changed in the field of Information Technology in last 20 years, and with jobs getting more and more competitive, many of which require college degrees of some sort, that leaves us kinda stranded . . . and lucky to be employed at all.

And that's the long version of why I work.  That's the necessity aspect to it.  Of course, if I were really passionate about staying home, economising and such, I would find a way to make it work.  Here's a list of pros and cons.

Pro: Money.  It sure is nice to get a paycheck.  What is even nicer is that both Allen and I get paid every other week, and our paydays fall on opposite weeks.  So there is a paycheck coming in every Friday, either his or mine.  That is very helpful.

Con: I'm not as frugal as I should be.  I'm a spender.  I like to find good deals, and I used to coupon like crazy, but I found that I was buying stuff I didn't need because I had a good coupon.  I don't do it as much anymore; I try to just buy what I need.  But I do spend too much, I'll admit it--especially on eating out.  I'm such a creature of convenience.  It's a lot easier to eat in the cafeteria than it is to pack my meals every day. :o(

Pro: Using/maintaining/learning of skills.  I learn new things all the time, and I love that.  Every day is different, every surgery is different.  I get to do all kinds of cool things and see lots of cool stuff.  I enjoy it, and I'm pretty good at it.

Con:  Being better at scrubbing than I am at mothering.  While work is good, it is also stressful and exhausting.  I work hard, and I am on my feet for hours every day, so when I'm home, I don't do a lot of things that good mothers do.  I'm not great at getting down on the floor and playing with Benji, or keeping the house clean or taking him out for playdates or walks, etc.  I do every once in a while, but not as often as I should.

Pro: Getting to talk to doctors every day.  I love having intelligent conversations.  I love the little thrill of rebellion when I call doctors by their first names instead of by their proper titles.  I love talking with smart, educated people.

Con: Sometimes I don't know how to talk to my child.  Yes, he is autistic, and communication is a huge barrier for us.  I know he understands me sometimes, but he also chooses to disobey quite frequently.  He also gets so caught up in his own world that my speaking to him doesn't even register on his radar.  I can be holding his face in my hands, speaking directly to him, calling his name and asking him to look at me, and he will be looking anywhere except at me, speaking in his own language that I don't understand.  Some moments are better than others, and I know he understands more than he can express.  Getting Benjamin ready for the real world should be a bigger priority for me.

Pro: I get to help people.  I am part of a team, and we all work together to increase the quality of life for people we have never met.  I help fix what is broken, I help remove what isn't functioning correctly, and I help save lives.  That means something.

Con: I don't help my son as much as I should.  I let other people do that for me--friends, family, t.v., teachers, babysitters, etc.  I am happy to send my child off to school, because I truly believe they can help him more than I can.  I know I'm supposed to be the primary care-taker, nurturer, and teacher.  I certainly don't feel that way.

Pro: I cherish my time with Benjamin more, because I get so little of it.

Con:  I get so little time with Benjamin, and I'm so tired when I do get it, that I rarely make the most of it.

Pro: Positive feedback.  I get thanks and pats-on-the-back for a job well done.  I got a pretty ring as an award for my 10-year anniversary of working for IHC.  I get a paycheck every-other-week.  I get emails from my supervisor thanking me for getting my education stuff done ahead of schedule.  I try to fly under-the-radar, so to speak, by working hard and staying out of trouble, so I hear very little negativity about my performance.

Con: The guilt.  Most of it is self-imposed, but it is still there.  The LDS Church is very vocal about encouraging mothers to stay home with their children (if possible) (see the Proclamation to the World, and this talk given by Elder L. Tom Perry in April 2010.).  In a predominantly LDS community like Salt Lake, it is expected that most mothers are homemakers.  I may not have really had a choice when I was still under contract, but now that it is not strictly a necessity, I'm still working.

That's where I am: walking this line between guilt and fulfillment, between selfishness and selflessness, between the 'shoulds' and the 'if-onlys'.  Where is the best place for me?  Where do I belong?  How could I give up such an important piece of myself?

Your thoughts and comments would be appreciated.

Bright Young Women

Here are some photos from our little outing last week!  I love these cute girls!

Mia

Sabrina

Ella

I think this picture of Ella is my favorite from the whole shoot.  I think she looks stunning, and the wind did amazing things with her hair.  Happy almost-birthday, honey!

(For more pictures, see my photography blog!)