I'm So Tired of Trying

**Caution: this post is going to be negative.  If you don't want to read it, that's fine.  You were warned.

Let's start with yesterday.  It was a lovely day--beautiful weather (in the 80's), I got to spend the morning playing tourist with my dear friend and former Zone Leader Sam Aubin, who is visiting from Germany.  I learned several new things about Temple Square, we went to lunch @ The Pie near the U, and I felt like I looked pretty nice (makeup, clothing, etc.--I was actually put-together).  I went up to Benji's school afterward and had a little chat with his teachers.  He is doing very well; he understands more than I give him credit for, and they don't let him get away with things like we do.  I need to work on that, and I need to make a communication book.  There are supposed to be some cool tools like that on iPads, which he would love, but which we definitely cannot afford right now.  :o(

So I was feeling pretty good when we left school.  I decided to take Benji to a park to let him play for a little while.  I took him to the potty before we did anything.  He went #1, then he played on the structure, and although I was a little sleepy, I thought I was keeping a fairly good eye on him.  That was, until I heard some kid say, "It smells like poo."  Having heard that, I got up and went for a closer look.  Yep--he was finger painting.  I took him back to the car, stripped him down and wiped him off the best I could, then put a towel on the carseat and strapped him in.  Then I had to take some wipes back to the playground to clean up his mess.  Thankfully there wasn't too much, but I was seriously annoyed.

I took him home and put him in the shower.  Later that afternoon, he had a meltdown--inconsolable crying and kicking and thrashing, which is one thing with a two-year-old, but is something else when you have a 55+ pound, very strong four-year-old hitting you.  This went on for about 20 minutes, making me wonder if he was in pain, because he can't tell us what's going on.  Then he stopped, and he was fine.  I don't get it.  I hope you parents out there can appreciate your child being able to tell you why he or she is crying, BECAUSE IT SUCKS WHEN HE CAN'T.  You feel totally helpless.

Then, Allen told me that the loan for the house has gone through and they are signing the papers THIS Thursday instead of next Thursday.  I said, "But I have to work," and he said, "You don't have to be there."  Okay . . . I understand that my name is not on the loan, but I thought it was going to be on the house.  Am I wrong to be pissed about this?  Buying a house is kind-of a big deal, and I would like to be there.  Apparently, Allen doesn't think it's important that I am.  And to me, that's just more proof that he doesn't care.  This house would be the ONLY thing he has done (on his own) to take care of Benji and me if anything should happen to him.  He doesn't have life insurance, he doesn't have a 401K, he doesn't have a will.  I, on the other hand, do have life (and health) insurance on him, on me, and on Benji.  I shell out for it every paycheck.  I have a 401K.  There's not a ton of money there, but enough to get him by for a few months, at least.  I am trying to prepare for the future financially, and I personally paid $1,000 in earnest money as part of our down payment (my dad helped with the rest--he is such a wonderful man).  But I don't have to be there.  Yeah.

Oh--and back to last Saturday.  He got up at 4:30am to go hunting with his friend Aaron.  Last week was incredibly busy for me, and I had to volunteer @ the Hilltop sale on Saturday morning, so Benji had to go to the Lake's house.  Whatever--they are great with Benji, and he likes going there.  Allen got back in time for me to go the the Relief Society General Meeting with Lexy and Desi, but as soon as I got home, Allen went to bed (leaving the house a disaster, as usual).  So I got to put Benji to bed, then clean, then go to work at 11pm.  I worked all night, and it was a really crappy shift that felt like it would never end.  I got home around 7:30am Sunday morning, and Benji was awake in his room (having wet the bed, totally soaked) and Allen was still asleep.  So I got Benji up and put him in the shower, and Allen appeared.  I was in a really bad mood, so he asked me what was wrong.  I told him I needed to sleep, and he asked, "Why didn't you get any sleep?"  Seriously?  Yes, I stay up late sometimes (which many times includes cleaning, like 1+1/2 hours worth tonight), but I pick up extra shifts, and I get home late.  Anyway, I slept for a couple of hours, but I was woken up by a call from my Visiting Teaching Supervisor, who asked me if I had done my VT for the month.  Nope.  She told me I could probably call them that day, but I told her it wasn't going to happen.  I sure love that guilt-trip every month, reminding me of what a slacker I am.

Then we went to Logan for the afternoon on Sunday (that's another post).  Allen wanted me to drive, since he was having allergy problems because of some mosquito bites he got while he was out hunting.  Um, no.  I was utterly exhausted from working all night, so I told him he needed to drive up, and I would drive back.  That worked okay, but I know I almost fell asleep while driving.  We got home around 9:30pm on Sunday, then I had to work 12 hours on Monday.  At least Tuesday morning was nice.

Then today I had to work another 12.  I also volunteered to bring a side dish to Katie's Bridal Shower at work.  I got Benji up and took him to the bathroom, but he wouldn't go.  I waited for around 10 minutes for him to finally go, but he never did.  So I got him dressed and ready and realized we would totally miss his bus. I had to drive him up to the school, but we were too early.  So we stopped at Smith's to get the stuff for the Cranberry salad I was going to make.  Then I took him to school and came home to make the salad.  It took me a good 90 minutes to make this salad (enough to cut into my primping time, so I look really rough today), and I brought it to work with me at 11am.  When I finally got to sit down for a few minutes (around 2pm), basically no one had eaten it.  It really sucks when all of your efforts are wasted.  Then at 3pm I was put in Dr. Zempoloch's room.  She is usually very nice, but I couldn't do anything right there, either.  So I was in a less-than-talkative mood.  People kept asking me if I was okay, but seriously--can't I just have an "off" day?  Do I have to be perky all the time?  Plus, I'm feeling the guilt for not scrubbing Liver transplants.  I think they did 3 in the last week, and I was asked by several people if I do scrub them.  I did, but that was one of the major reasons why I left IMC in 2010.  I was totally burned out from taking all of the implant call and doing them all the time.  I like my job, and I don't want to become that person again by growing to resent it, but should that be priority over the hospital's needs?  I'm sure I could scrub one if I had to; I just don't want to.  And yes, that makes me feel like a slacker, too.

I'm just really down on myself today.  I'm tired and poor and unwanted and ugly and nothing more than a housekeeper, babysitter and source of income for my husband.  We are together out of convenience: that's pretty much the only reason why we are still together.  It's certainly not because we are on the same team, because we are not.  We think very differently, and he hardly thinks of me at all.  I'm certainly not his first priority, and he isn't mine, either.  We don't make each other happy; we don't even really like spending time together.  Allen does what he does and expects me to be fine with it.  I guess I do the same.  I just wish he thought enough about how I feel to make sure I could be there at the signing.  Yes, I told him I wasn't happy about it, but that doesn't matter.  Nothing I do really matters.  I just work here.

California 37 Took Me Right To Heaven's Door

I need to write about the AWESOME concert I went to last week: TRAIN!!  *sigh*  I love these guys.  I'll admit--I like their older music a little better than their newer stuff, but it was a really fun concert.  When I got the e-mail announcing that they were coming to the Gallivan Center in Salt Lake City, I went online as soon as I could to get my ticket, and--lo, and behold--they had VIP packages available, which included a meet and greet with the band.  Um, YES.  So I bought the "Gold Package," and it was worth every penny.

Jimmy Stafford, Me, Pat Monahan and Scott Underwood

The meet & greet lasted only a few seconds.  I probably could have taken a couple of minutes to talk to them, but I was so star struck that I just had nothing to say, except that it was an honor to meet them.  I was a little surprised that they were all taller than me; I expected them to be shorter.  That was a pleasant surprise.  They also had a professional photographer to take pictures, and I downloaded this from the Save Me, San Francisco website.  I also got a "commemorative" lanyard (not a backstage pass, but cool nonetheless) and a signed poster.  Then, since we had early entry, we got to wait next to the stage and scoot right up against the barriers before the gates even opened.  Good times.

I loved the covers they did.  They made some great segues from, "You can't always get what you want, But if you try sometimes, you just might find You get what you need . . ." into "I need a sign, to let me know you're here" (Calling All Angels).  And at the end of "Hey, Soul Sister" where they say "I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight . . ." they went into the chorus of "We Are Young": "Tonight, we are young, so let's set the world on fire, we can burn brighter than the sun."  It was awesome, and it was so natural.  Everyone kept right on singing.  So cool.

I wish I had a setlist, but alas--I do not.  This is a setlist from Red Rocks, where they performed the day before.  I'm pretty sure it was the same.

50 Ways To Say Goodbye 

This'll Be My Year 

If It's Love 

Meet Virginia 

I Got You 

Free / Respect / She's on Fire / Get to Me / When I Look to the Sky / Ordinary / For Me, It's You 

(Medley)

Calling All Angels (with Rolling Stones cover, "You Can't Always Get What You Want")

Save Me, San Francisco 

Mermaid 

Bruises 

Marry Me 

Everyday People (Sly & The Family Stone cover)

Drum Solo 

Hey, Soul Sister (fun. cover, "We Are Young")

Drive By 

Encore:

California 37 

Drops of Jupiter 

Sing Together 

I wish I had my camera, but I didn't have that, either.  The phone on my camera SUCKS.  It took one picture, and refused to take any more for the rest of the night.  I made friends with a couple who had iPhones, and they are supposed to e-mail me some pictures, but they haven't done that, either.  There was a gal from one of the local radio stations who had a nice camera and supposedly took some good pictures, but they aren't up on the website yet, either.  So there's not much to show you, but I was right up front--against the barrier, and it was awesome.  Some shorter people behind me were a little uptight that we wouldn't let them in front of us, but I kinda paid a lot of money for that privilege, and I'm kinda mean.  So I didn't give up my spot.  Sorry kids!

They had two opening acts: Andy Grammer and Mat Kearney.  I didn't know any of Andy Grammer's music at all, but he's adorable!  He sang, "Keep Your Head Up," "Fine By Me," "Ladies" (a super-sweet song dedicated to his mom), and he did a great cover of Rihanna's "We Found Love."  Here's a YouTube video of this song.  It's pretty fantastic.



Mat Kearney was awesome, too.  He's very talented (and yes, I was close enough to see his freckles!).  I know a few of his songs: he sang "Nothing Left to Lose," "Undeniable, "Count On Me," "Ships in the Night," "All I Have," and Mat also did a cover of Bruce Springsteen's "Dancing in the Dark."  So great.  He also sang "Closer to Love."  Here's a video of that song.





Here's a link to a video of Train's latest single.  It's a fun song, and the video is hilarious.  I tried embedding it, but I'm having technical difficulties.

http://youtu.be/GSBFehvLJDc

This is the best shot I got all night, using Allen's little camera.

So anyway, they aren't the greatest band ever (I don't think anyone will replace U2 in my not-so-humble opinion, and I think I'll keep the current rankings with Keane at #2, but Train is a solid #3), and the concert wasn't life changing, but it was awesome.  I loved it.  I danced, I sang my little heart out, I bought a t-shirt and I left a very happy woman.  The Gallivan Center is a great venue--parking is easy, it's pretty intimate, and the location is great.  I loved being so close to the bands.  They signed a ton of autographs, brought people on-stage to help sing certain songs ("Mermaid," "Bruises," etc.), they threw out t-shirts and beach balls.  They brought along an awesome trumpeter (Brian Switzer), they had a real piano on stage, two gorgeous black back-up singers, they had a couple get married on stage and another in the audience get engaged to "Marry Me," and Pat even broke out the sax for a bit.  And at the very end, they gave away a signed guitar to a girl in a wheelchair.  They are such sweethearts!  What a great night!

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Change is in the air!  One thing I truly love about living in Utah is the changing of the seasons.  Each season has a distinct personality, and I love seeing nature's transformations.  It was a LONG, HOT summer, and it was a good one, but I'm very glad autumn is finally on it's way.  The colors of the trees are beautiful at the moment.  Spring is my favorite season, but Fall is a very close second.  I love it.

I do need to write about a few things, now that September is nearly over.  It has been a busy month, though now that "birthday season" is winding down, I feel less guilty about not documenting them.  I hope I didn't miss anyone, though I probably did.  Here are links to the albums for Noah's 5th birthday party ("Puss in Boots" theme), and for Tessa's 4th birthday party ("Barbie" theme).  Both were lots of fun, and Lexy and Rachael did phenomenal jobs putting them together, especially considering their extraordinary circumstances.  Mach had carpal tunnel release on her left (dominant) hand just a few days ago, and Lex just has a lot going on.  Bravo, ladies. 

I love this little tradition of the Niusulu family: we always take a picture of Rachael and Seuao giving the birthday girl kisses on the cheek.  It's so cute.  (Click on the picture for a link to the online album).

I helped out a little bit by making silhouettes (using GIMP) for each of the birthday guests.  It has been a learning process, but I really like the way Benji's turned out.

Kinda fun.  Anyway . . .

Back to Noah's party.  For months and months it was going to be an "Angry Birds" party, but a couple of weeks before, he decided he wanted to go with Puss in Boots.  More power to you, kiddo.  It was fun.  He may hate me someday for getting this picture, but I have so many fantastic ones of that photogenic child that one candle-blowing shot is okay.

Did I write about Dave's big 30th luau?  I don't think so.  He turned 30 on August 27th, and they had a big party on Labor Day weekend.  And boy--it decided to rain.  A LOT.  It was pretty epic.  In the album, there are a lot of pictures of people, but they are all interspersed with shots of the sky and the gathering clouds.  Kinda funny.  But there were some awesome rainbows to be seen afterward.  I love this picture of Dave, Lexy and Zeke.

Come to think of it, I don't think I wrote about Sabrina's birthday either.  We all went to Bear Lake that day, which was fun.  I don't know what it is; maybe it was getting over the "terrible twos," but Sabrina has just become the cutest stinking little fern.  Every time I see her she is just happy and hilarious and sweet.  This picture of Sabrina checking out the nailpolish she received for her birthday . . . it just cracks me up.  The look on her face is priceless.

And here's from the North Shore @ Bear Lake back in August.  The Sortor Girls are just amazing in the water--they went swimming almost every day this summer, and it shows!

Sabrina & Ella splashing in Bear Lake

Mia the Mermaid!

And here's one of all the kiddos.  I hope this will be a yearly tradition!  Yes, it shows my weakness as a photographer, because I don't know how to keep the background from becoming so overexposed.  Oh well--this one was the best of the pictures I took (Benji is actually looking up!).

L-R: Zeke (1), Lily (5), Noah (4), Benji (4), Tessa (3), Phoebe (3), Sabrina (3), Mia (4), Ella (8)

Oh, gads.  I still haven't blogged about the Bryant Family Reunion in Yosemite.  Or finished the Cruise, for that matter.  *sigh*  I don't know if I'll ever catch up.  Well, writing about it may or may not happen.  At least I have gotten this far (and at least I'm feeling well enough to do something)!

Turn and Face the Strange Ch-ch-changes

Riddle me this: why do I get sick at such inconvenient times?  I swear, I only get sick when my to-do list is unending, and thus have zero energy to accomplish any of it.  And I get further and further behind.  It was around September 6th when I started feeling really crappy; I left work early and sat on the couch all weekend (Grey's Anatomy marathon).  I tried to go back to work as scheduled the following Tuesday, but I didn't even make it four hours of my 12-hour shift.  I called in the next day too, and had the following Thursday off, in hopes of kicking it by then.  I had to go back to work on Friday, and while I did okay, I felt pretty miserable the whole time.  Saturday I felt a little better, and when I worked on Saturday night, I actually felt pretty good.  Yesterday (Sunday) I was very productive: I taught Relief Society, did several loads of laundry, two loads of dishes, made zucchini bread and a healthy dinner . . . and then I started feeling crappy again.  I guess I pushed it too hard.

I know I'm not supposed to run faster than I have strength, but I hate feeling sick.  I have too much to do to be running to the bathroom all the time.  Everything I eat goes straight through me (even pills come out the other end undigested, which I'm sure you wanted to know).  And as if being at war with the flora of my gut wasn't enough, I caught a cold at the same time.  I'm still coughing a little bit, but at least I have a voice now. 

And, all at the same time, we were house-hunting.  I had gone out with Marlene (our realtor) to see some houses, and I fell in love with one in particular.  By that evening, it was gone.  That was seriously depressing.  My #2 pick from that day was still available, so I wanted Allen to go look at it.  The Friday that I didn't leave the couch, he went to look at a few different houses.  He looked at the one I liked, but he hated it.  He found a house that he really liked, and he wanted to put an offer in on it before I had even seen it.  Seriously?  I made him wait until I saw it to submit an offer.  He did, and they counter-offered the next day, although they wanted another $500 in Earnest Money, with a 24-hour reply deadline.  He wanted to accept the counter then and there, but I needed some time to think about it (and to come to terms with the fact that I wouldn't be able to pay off my credit cards as planned).  I made him wait for at least 20 hours, because the whole thing was just moving so fast and my brain and body weren't in a good place.  How am I supposed to recognize what my gut says when it just feels sick and twisty?  I did pray about it, and my answer was to trust Allen.  I'm still not very happy with that answer; I'd rather know something for myself than rely on another person's opinion, even if that person is my husband.

So, um, I guess we bought a house.  My dad is helping us out with a down payment, and if everything goes through as anticipated, we will close on October 11.  It's still very surreal to me.  I wanted this, but I wanted to be a bit more involved in it, too.  Once Allen saw this house, he has done everything in his power to get it. It's all he talks about and thinks about.  He has been out to see it several times; I have only seen it once, and I wasn't feeling very well at the time.  I have mixed feelings about it, because of that.  Let's do some pros and cons.

Pro: It's a HOUSE, not an apartment.  Yay!
Con: It will definitely be more expensive (i.e., we'll be tightening our belts significantly)
Pro: The house was totally remodeled inside, and they did a nice job with it.
Con: The outside is very plain.  Zero personality.
Pro: We won't be surrounded by massive apartment complexes (much lower population density).
Con: The neighborhood is okay.  It's very middle-class in the West Valley/Kearns area.  A lot of the homes nearby need work.
Pro: It's on a cul-de-sac.
Con:  The backyard.  There is another cul-de-sac on the street behind the house, so from the backyard you can see about five other backyards from other peoples' homes.  Our yard is fenced in with chain-link, and there are no trees or anything to obscure this view.  Zero privacy.  I really don't like that, and I'm not terribly excited about forking out a bunch of money for a taller, vinyl fence.

And since I didn't have enough on my plate already, now we have to move.  And I have to figure out how we are going to furnish this place.  Our couches are NOT coming with us--they are in such horrible shape we can't even sell them.  They just need to go.  Plus, we have to clean up this apartment, which will be a nightmare.  Uggghhhh.  The next few weeks are going to be insane.  Again, I'm sorry for my lack of communication as of late.  I did publish a rant post I had left as a draft from August, but that's all I have for you for now.

She Works Hard For Her Money

*** This post was left as a draft back in August.  I'll just publish it as-is.

Today has been mentally and physically exhausting.  I'm at work, and it's 10:27pm.  I have mostly finished my Kronos training, but I also had to teach some orderlies.  Their stuff is different from ours (techs and nurses), so when they would ask questions, I would mostly say, "I don't know."  There is even an orderly "Super User" working tonight, but for some reason, she doesn't feel like she can teach other people.  The whole thing is a mess, it's confusing, and it's a lot of work.  And it's a pain in my you-know-what.  I can only do so much with the level to which I have been trained.

Speaking of training, the robot was a nightmare today.  The surgeon (let's call her Dr. P.) was in a terrible mood.  She was relying on her very inexperienced residents as her first assistants, and when they kept making mistakes, she would yell at them.  I felt bad for one young doctor, who was having a really hard time with spatial orientation in laparoscopy (a very difficult concept: imagine using a tool that you can only see on a monitor, but which moves in the opposite direction when you manipulate it, and having someone yelling at you and calling you a "retard" when you don't get it right). The rep was making things more complicated than they needed to be, the instruments she wanted weren't working or weren't sterile or weren't available, the patient was really bloody, and the circulators were inexperienced.  Cute Kristy had done some cross-training today, and those two cases made her the most experienced circulator available.  With all of the issues we had, it really wasn't fair to place that kind of responsibility on her.  Lacey (another scrub) and I have scrubbed plenty of robots, but neither of us are really familiar with circulator responsibilities.  And the rep (who is paid to know the equipment backwards and forwards, who is supposed to be able to answer all of our questions) was not helping.  She was trying to tell me what to do, at the same time the surgeon is giving me orders, and there was so much going on and so many things not working that everyone was frustrated.  Thank heavens for Doug (who had technically left for vacation already).  He came in to help us out and smooth things over.  I give him a lot of grief, but Doug really is a good guy.

Getting thrown into stuff you don't really know how to do is not an uncommon thing.  Actually, it happens a lot.  With many surgeries, you can draw on your previous experience and fake your way through it.  That's one reason why I like my job--I learn new things every day, and I get to use my brain to figure things out.  The robot really isn't like that.  I received a fair amount of training to scrub robotic cases, and I feel pretty comfortable doing most of them.  But there's only so much I can do without seeing the circulator side of things.  Reps (vendors who work for the companies of the products we use) are usually a great help, and they can be very knowledgeable.  Not this one.  We (nurses and techs) need more training on the robot, from someone who can actually answer our questions.

I want to be a good employee.  I want to prove myself as an invaluable part of the team.  I don't want to be a complainer or a tattle-tail; I want to help fix the situation.  First, the surgeon should have had a more experienced first-assistant (i.e., an attending physician, colleague, or someone who at least knows enough about the robot to be useful).  She also should have stepped back and calmed down, instead of yelling at everyone for things beyond their control.  Yes, a lot of things went wrong, and there's no one cause.  But verbal abuse is never called for, even if it is said 'jokingly.'  Secondly, the equipment needs to be ready and available.  Surgeons are notoriously impatient, so whenever we have to get something that isn't close by, they get even more wound-up.  Third, everyone needs more training.  Period.  Not just those who already do robots, and not just staff members who are willing to be trained.  It needs to be mandatory.  Until it is, and until our managers know how much we are struggling, days like this will be all too common.