Our Choices Seal Our Fate

Burning Bridges

Do you know why your bridges burn?

Or how this fire began?

Our lives have taken this left turn,

The flames we now must fan.

I love you so, my dearest friend:

In tandem have we grown.

Our sisterhood will never end,

The time has quickly flown.

Your choices separate us now.

Oh, how I wish you'd see

The burden set upon your brow

Cannot be fixed by me.

Some help, so many tried to get;

But fires have burned there, too--

This self-destructive path is set.

It now depends on you.

Where is the 'lowest of the low?'

When does this horror end?

I wish I could soften the blow,

Your soul I would defend.

My lovely girl, you seem so lost:

You don't know who you are.

My heart, it aches to count the cost

Of how it's burned so far.

Please find yourself, O fairest one.

You deserve so much more.

Forgive me now--what's done is done.

I can't even the score.

The hardest love--the toughest kind,

The truth will help you see.

Reality cannot be blind

Nor set our worries free.

This separation hurts us all;

And each of us must grieve.

We do not wish to see you fall--

In this, you must believe.

You need more help than we can give;

It's time for someone new

To understand the way you live

And do what's best for you.

One day, I hope you'll understand

How hard it is to see

A sister's love slip from your hand

And from your life so flee.

When you are ready to return,

With open arms, we'll wait.

We'll build new bridges--n'er to burn.

Our choices seal our fate.

--Mary Nolan Cox

27 August 2013

Don't Fade Away

This has been a rough week.  Thursday was particularly brutal.  Benji had pooped in his bedroom sometime before I got up, so I had to clean up after him.  He managed to get some behind his bed, so I had to pull it out from the wall to wipe it up.  While I was pushing the bed back into place, I heard a "crunch" in my elbow.  It hurt and was weakened immediately.  I texted McCall (my friend, the ortho PA) to see if she could fit me into her clinic that day.  She couldn't on Thursday, so I made an appointment for Friday.  When Allen came home from work, he convinced me to go to InstaCare.  That was fine: they took some x-rays, gave me a prescription for pain meds and sent me on my way.  I was pretty useless the rest of the day (I called in sick to work), and the Tylenol w/Codeine made me zone out even more.  Truthfully, I just don't like narcotics.  I'd rather feel pain than have my brain be fuzzy like that.

Once the pain pill wore off and I was more coherent, I checked my facebook.  I was shocked to see this:

I didn't really believe it at first.  I knew Aaron and Ann from High School.  Actually, Aaron and I were born on the exact same day.  The three of us had classes together and graduated together, and I absolutely adored her.  This little burden sat in my heart for a couple of days, and I kept checking the obituaries in the Herald Journal because I needed proof (pretty sure I was in denial).  And today, I found this:

So it's true.  My beautiful friend has left this world.  My heart is aching, but I'm grateful that I have next Tuesday off so I can go to the gathering in her honor.  {Pictures are from Aaron's Facebook page}

Ann in Paris

Truth be told, I didn't know either of them very well, but we were friends.  In high school, we had several of the same classes.  I would sit next to her in AP Biology, and we would talk about music and cute boys (though she only ever really had eyes for Aaron).  I actually saw them shortly after I returned from my mission, and shortly after they were married: we were the only three people in the Utah Theater for a screening of "Le fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain."  She deleted her Facebook account for a while, but when she came back, I befriended her immediately.  This was the last conversation we had last May:

• Conversation started May 3
• 

  4:50pm

  Wilde Annimal

  Dearest Mary,

  I got off fb to work on my dissertation, and because I was offending endless high school friends. Please edit me. I would hate to offend or alienate you. You you one of my favs! Hope you and yours are well! Much love, Ann
• May 3
• 

  9:02pm

  Mary Nolan Cox

  It takes a lot more than liberal leanings to offend me, so don't even worry about it. Are you done with your dissertation? Should I call you Dr. Ann? I would, because you are that awesome. Love ya!
• 

  9:20pm

  Wilde Annimal

  It will be a year yet. I know 10 years and only a couple of degrees seems useless. I'm writing a biography, and I want my committee and my mom to read it. Impossible. Anyway, I have about 20 friends and they were only people who wouldn't hate me for the "F" word--- even elderly friends in NY. I use it a lot, because I know it makes them chuckle at a Mormon girl using it. Please, just block my posts. I have such a potty mouth. I'm so sorry! You are lovely as always!
• 

  9:33pm

  Mary Nolan Cox

  I work in the OR, where language is routinely of the potty variety. So I'm not offended, damn it! Things got a little ugly last November, but I don't let little things bother me. :0)
• 

  9:37pm

  Wilde Annimal

  Oh, love. How are you healing from November?
• 

  9:44pm

  Mary Nolan Cox

  Just from the election. People got really fired up and mean to each other. I seriously hate election season. But that's how it goes, right? Life goes on. How are you?
• 

  12:15am

  Wilde Annimal

  I don't like either party...do some work people! I was worried it was personal. Anyway block me I like that word too much! I'm fine. Working on myself. Aways working on myself!
• 

  1:29am

  Mary Nolan Cox

  You and me both. I can't affiliate either way...I'm pretty sure everybody in Washington is corrupt. So I just try to ignore it. I have enough to worry about! Are you back in Logan?

And that's where it ended.  She never replied, but she and Aaron had moved back to Logan from Ithaca, NY.  I kept meaning to find her and go to lunch; I never dreamed I wouldn't have the chance.

Aaron, Ann & Amanda (another LHS '97 friend) in New York

Even though I don't know her very well, I am very much saddened by her passing.  I went through all of my old pictures, convinced I had one of both of us.  If I did, I can't find it.  I had a few random snapshots of her from our last days at Logan High, but nothing extraordinary.  They certainly didn't capture her light like these pictures do.

Ann was one of those people whom you can never forget.  Even though we hadn't seen each other in years, I still considered her a dear friend.  She was smart, beautiful, uncommonly kind, radiant, and good.  I truly adored her, and I feel so privileged to have known her in this life.

For those of you who are reading my blog, I just want to tell you I love you while I have the chance.  I know that spirits continue to exist after they have departed their mortal bodies, and I know I will see Ann again.  But while we are here in this precious, fleeting world, please know how grateful I am for you.  Even if I haven't seen you for a while, you are cherished.  You are held deep in my heart, and I will love you forever.

Ann, ma chère, thank you for sharing your light with me.  Thank you for making this world a better place.  Thank you for your friendship--you are one of the loveliest people I have ever known.  Until we meet again, darling.

My Heart Was Flawed, I Knew My Weakness

I can't believe I haven't posted anything since May.  Wow--I'm a struggler!  I have been thinking about various things I'd like to write about, but I have been very busy.  I have submitted my application (and $175 processing fee!) to CASPA (Centralized Application Service for Physician Assistants).  I also did the supplemental application required for the University of Utah.  That was a timed essay application, and apparently my last answer didn't save because the timer ran out before I saved it.  *sigh*  So once I do that (again), and the CASPA people verify my grades against the official transcripts I have sent, my application can be reviewed by the U.  They will then decide if I get an interview, and then--well, we will have to wait and see.

The application required a lot of introspection.  I had to enter and classify every course I took in college (including those in high school, so I had to send an official transcript from USU as well).  And not just every course, including the ones I withdrew from, but all of the grades too.  That was pretty depressing.  I also had to enter my entire job history and try to remember my old supervisors' names, dates, hours worked, job descriptions, etc.  That was a little disheartening too, because I have, uh, been around.  I have been employed by Intermountain Healthcare for 11 years now, but I have worked at six different facilities therein.  Yikes.

And, as if that wasn't enough, I had to get letters of recommendation (which I have waived my right to see).  I had three people write them for me: Dr. Ray Price (a surgeon with whom I have worked for several years), McCall, a PA with whom I work regularly, and Chito, my supervisor.  Ray finished his the day after I e-mailed it to him, but I had to nag McCall and Chito a bit.

And the bit that had me the most  preoccupied: the narrative.  It's the place where you get to stand out, and they want something that will really make them remember you--in 5,000 characters or less.  I went through several versions in my brain, several re-writes, and even on the day I submitted the application I was finishing up the edits (final character count: 4,997!).

I'm not incredibly proud of it, but I did try to be honest and eloquent.  I tried not to over-do the road-trip metaphor, though it would have been better if I had shared my actual European road trip adventure.  I'll probably get another chance to apply next year, so I'll have to keep that in mind.

Anyway, here it is: my heart served up on a platter, for complete strangers to read and judge.  I'm happy to share it with you, especially if you actually still read this blog.  If you do, thank you.

* * * * * * * *

Every life has a few defining moments. Like a cross-country road trip, you start out wandering through side streets and alleyways until you find a road you want to take. Sometimes that road is a slow path; sometimes it's an eight-lane highway. Those moments are the intersections of where you are and where you want to be. Decisions must be made, and the journey must continue one way or the other.

I won't pretend that my journey is particularly special; I have experienced many things common to the human race: school, work, marriage, parenthood, etc.  While these paths are important, they are not what my story is about.  My personal road trip cannot be defined by any long stretch of highway (like the never-ending interstate of parenthood), but my life has been heading in a certain direction; I just didn't realize it until a few months ago.

Let me back up.  The first important intersection I came to was in 1997.  I was granted a scholarship to the University of Utah, as part of the ACCESS program for women in science.  Having chosen that road truly defined my college career and influenced many other choices I have made since. Several of my fellow ACCESS comrades have gone on to become physicians, engineers, teachers, and wonderful stay-at-home mothers.

Once my freshman year was over, I realized that being a science major did not come easily to me.  It seemed that everyone else had moved on, and while I was working hard, I wasn't as successful as I wanted to be. I lost my scholarship, my confidence, and my best friend.  It may not seem significant to anyone else, but my friend dumping me was one of those defining moments. I found out just how fragile my heart was, and how I would have to take this journey alone.

Before I even started college, I had decided to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I knew that doing so would get me closer to my destination, and help me to become the person I wanted to be.  I spent a glorious year (2000-01) in Belgium and France, teaching and serving every day.  I'll be forever grateful for that time of my life because of everything I learned and the beautiful people I met.

Coming home from Europe was much harder than I had anticipated. I went from being so focused on a different work to having very little direction at all.  I lived at home for a while, trying to figure out how to get back on the interstate.  That's when the most defining moment of my life took place: my brother John died unexpectedly.  My younger brother, the smartest person I had ever known, the boy who grew up at my side challenging and inspiring me, was gone.

It might have been shock, or simply trying to be strong, but it was nearly a week after that terrible day when I finally broke down.  All the pain and loneliness came flooding out, and I realized I had a gaping hole in my soul.  Though time has made the heartache more bearable, the emptiness is still there.  I think of my brother often, and he still inspires me.  He is one of the primary reasons why I want to have a career helping people, and why I want to understand the complexities of the human body.

In an effort to heal and move on, I came back to the U in 2003.  I tried to find my place in the world; I even flirted with the idea of changing majors.  English, French, teaching, and even Political Science all sounded good at some point, since those classes were significantly easier for me.  But as an ACCESS girl, I wanted to complete my degree in a science major, and I knew I wanted to work in health care.  I finally completed my Bachelor's in 2007, and I found a second home working in surgery.  For a long time, those two roads (education and work) ran parallel to one another, never really intersecting.  

While working in surgery, I learned what PAs do, how they are educated, and how they interact with doctors.  The idea of becoming a PA appealed to me immediately.  The demands of my family (especially my autistic son), along with the financial burden and time commitment make medical school an impossibility, but I feel like I could be very successful in a PA program.  I have thought about nursing, but I know I would prefer a graduate program that would give me practical skills, knowledge and insight.  I also want a career that will allow me to work in surgery, even if it's just part of the time.

After thinking about applying for several years, I attended the UPAP information session in April 2013.  This was another defining moment.  It felt like I had seen a sign: this is the road I want to take.  I believe that my entire journey--my whole life--has been leading me here to this very application, and I am grateful and excited for this opportunity.

I admit to being a bit anxious; I don't know how I will stand up to the competition, but I truly hope you understand how much I want to become a Physician Assistant.  Thank you for your consideration, and I hope our paths will cross soon.

Hopeless Wanderer

A little while ago, my sister Sarah did a blog post on the top 20 guys on her "list."    I have been wanting to do one myself, but I have been a little distracted lately {see #1}.  Now that I'm to the point where I'm not going to be staying up until 4am watching this show, I can blog again.  What better way to spend an evening than by putting pictures of hot men of Hollywood on my blog?  {Disclaimer: I do not own any of these pictures.  They were found on Google.}

First off, let me tell you: this is a current list, as of May 2013.  Things change, and there are perennial favourites, but as of today this is where my mind is wandering off to.  Second of all, I find talent extremely attractive.  Sure there are quite a few guys on here with incredible bodies, but I'm much more interested in how they make me feel.  Third, you're welcome.

20.  Dan Stevens {married, two kids, 30yo, 6'}

Dan is most well-known from his role on Downton Abbey, though if you haven't seen him as Edward in Sense & Sensibility (2008), you are missing out.  I don't usually go for the blonde hair, blue-eyed type, but Dan is an exception.  His character Matthew is quite cheesy, but he's so honorable and good and in love with Lady Mary . . . *sigh.*  Downton Abbey won't be the same without him.

19.  Marcus Mumford {Married, 26yo, 6'3"}



Marcus is a new addition to the list; I have been listening to "Babel" by Mumford & Sons {Grammy for album of the year 2012} in my car, and I just love his voice.  He is extremely talented, and married to the gorgeous Carey Mulligan.  Now that's good stuff.

18.  Joseph Gordon-Levitt {single, 32, 5'10"}



JGL is adorable.  I have had a little crush on him since the Third Rock From The Sun days, when he was just a kid.  He's a really good actor, and sometimes the only reason I need to see a movie is because he is in it.  If you haven't seen 500 Days of Summer, you need to.

17.  Chris Hemsworth {married, one child, 29 yo, 6'4"}



I haven't seen much of his acting, except for the Avengers.  He's pretty much the only guy on this list who is there purely for looks.  And, as such, deserves a second picture:



How adorable is that?  Those arms, man . . .

16.  Hugh Jackman {married, 2 kids, 44yo, 6'2"}



Hugh is a great actor {have you seen his transformation in Les Misérables?}, and his singing is a serious bonus.  One of the coolest things about Hugh Jackman is that he is a nice guy.  There are so many jerks in Hollywood, to find someone who is actually friendly is pretty amazing.  I included this picture, because I wanted to show you his wife {of 17 years!}.  She isn't particularly gorgeous, but Hugh absolutely adores her.  Love it.

15.  Henry Cavill {single, 30 yo, 6'1"}



I had no idea who Henry was until I watched The Tudors.  Oh. My. Goodness.  Apparently Stephenie Meyer wanted him for Edward in the Twilight movies, but he was too old.  Too bad; this guy is stunning.  And in a skin-tight Superman outfit?  Yes, please!

14.  Justin Timberlake {married to Jessica Biel, 32 yo, 6'1"}

Justin with Jimmy Fallon

JT is a serious talent, man.  He can sing, he can dance, he can act . . . I chose this picture with Jimmy Fallon {who gets an honourable mention on my list} because they have a serious bromance going on.  JT is a frequent flyer on Late Night, and they are always hilarious.  Have you seen his performance on SNL?  This video is fantastic!!

13.  Aaron Eckhart {single, 45 yo, 6')



I don't know what it is about Aaron, but he does it for me, ya know?  Another great actor.

12.  Robert Downey, Jr. {married for second time, two kids, 48 yo, 5'9"}



Who doesn't love RDJ?  Iron Man 3 was awesome, and I'm very much looking forward to another Avengers.  One of the coolest things about him is his past: he had a lot of trouble with drugs and alcohol, involving prison and rehab, and he has still managed to bounce back and be an amazing actor.  LOVE.

11.  Bradley Cooper {divorced, 38 yo, 6'1"}



Sexiest Man Alive 2011.  That smile . . . and he graduated from Georgetown, and he speaks French.  And he lives with his mom, because he wants to take care of her.  He is my friend Melanie's #1, so I always think of her when I see him.  He was incredible in Silver Linings Playbook, and he has some serious comedic chops.  Good guy.

10.  Matthew McConnaughey {married, 3 kids, 43yo, 6'}



Matthew is just beautiful.  I have had a crush on him ever since Contact {one of my all-time favorite movies}.  Those abs, that smile . . . yum.

9.  Joe Manganiello {36yo, 6'5", dating model Bridget Peters}



Tall.  Dark.  Handsome.  Need I say more?

8.  Matt Bomer  {partner to Simon Halls, 3 kids, 35yo, 5'11"}



So I just realized that numbers 10, 9 and 8 are all men of the "Kings of Tampa" {from Magic Mike, a show whose only redeeming quality is the eye candy}.  In case you were wondering, some of the hottest men are gay.  Lucky boys.

7.  Darren Criss {single, 26yo, 5'8"}



Darren is the only Glee boy to make the list {the rest get honourable mentions}, mostly because he is SO. DANG. TALENTED.  This boy can sing like nobody's business, but he also plays several musical instruments, and he's just dreamy.  Check out this video from the "Guilty Pleasures" episode of Glee {Season 4}.




6.  Colin Firth  {married, 3 kids, 6'2", 52 yo}



This picture is a little cheesy, but isn't this the scene {from Pride and Prejudice, 1995} where everyone falls in love with Colin Firth/Mr. Darcy?  Love.

5.  Tom Chaplin  {married, 34 yo, 6'2"}



As the very talented and charismatic lead singer of Keane, Tom automatically earns a spot on the list.  Plus, I have seen them in concert twice, and all of them are just enchanting.  And when you see and hear someone that amazing up close, it's pretty much a given that he would rank pretty high.  Seriously, he's adorable.  BTW, "Sea Fog" was featured on Grey's Anatomy a few weeks ago, and this is a cool mini-concert I found on YouTube..  Good stuff, I tell you.

4.  Josh Duhamel  {married to Fergie, expecting first child, 40 yo, 6'4"}



He's just so handsome!  I just read that he has a Bachelor's degree in Biology {no wonder I like him!}, and he's fantastic in so many roles.  Delightful.

3.  Armie Hammer {married, 26 yo, 6'5"}



Terrible name, gorgeous man.  His real name is Armand {which is a little stuffy}, but Armie?  Oh well.  I LOVED him as the prince in "Mirror, Mirror" and as the Winklevoss twins in "The Social Network."  He's not incredibly well-known yet, but I think "The Lone Ranger" will be his breakout role.  Mmmm.  More, please.

2.  Patrick Wilson {married, 2 kids, 39 yo, 6'1"}



I have made no secret of my love for Patrick Wilson in the past; I know I have mentioned him a couple of times.  He has been at the top of my list for quite a while, and although he's down to #2, he is still AMAZING.  So talented.  And boy--can he sing!

1.  David Tennant {married, 2 1/2 kids, 42 yo, 6'1"}



Who?  Who indeed.  Doctor Who, that is.  Truthfully, I wouldn't have known him for anything other than his very small role in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire {he plays Barty Crouch, Jr}, but then I started watching Doctor Who.  And I fell in love.  Is it possible to be in love with a fictional character?  Probably not, but when David Tennant was replaced by Matt Smith as the Doctor, I wasn't nearly as interested in it.  I watched them, because I wanted to, but I didn't feel compelled to stay up until 4am like I did with the 10th Doctor.
David is a brilliant actor, and has done a lot of Shakespeare.  He is Scottish by birth, but his accents are impeccable.  And he can say so much with just one look--it's incredible.  My heart just gets totally drawn in by him.
Here are some pictures of the great faces he makes:









Can you tell that I'm a little bit obsessed?  Yeah.  It's probably unhealthy, but I just adore him.

And there you have it:  the list.   There are some honourable mentions:

The boys of Glee.  They are all pretty darn hot.



Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith, as remnants of my high school obsession with Independence Day.  Oh, yeah.



J.J. Abrams and the crew from Star Trek.  Mmmmm.  J.J. isn't particularly sexy, but he is my favourite director.  Into Darkness was incredible.



Speaking of Star Trek Into Darkness, our friend Benedict Cumberbatch is quite delightful too.



Taye Diggs.  Bald never looked so good.



The Oceans Triple-Threat: Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Matt Damon



And last {but certainly not least}: Tom Hiddleston {a.k.a. Loki}.



I could go on all night, but I need to finish.  There's certainly enough eye candy in this post to keep anyone satisfied.  Enjoy, my friends.  Enjoy.

To Live My Life As It's Meant To Be

A few pretty significant events happened this week.

First: Mom & Dad pushed the button. They have been getting everything ready to serve a mission, and all of the applications and forms are online.  I guess it takes a while to get it all done, and when you are ready, you push the button.  {Back in the 'good ole' days, when I served a mission, you "put in your papers" and received a large white envelope a few weeks later.}  They did it.  So they might be receiving a mission call soon!  I think the white envelope is still the method of delivery, even if the paperwork is outdated.  #feelingold  #ihatehashtags  #prettysurehashtagshavenopoweroutsideoftwitter  #isitreallythathardtousepunctuation?

Mom & Dad in Layton

Second: Dave & Lexy moved to Phoenix.  I know, right!?  When Dave sent out the e-mail a few weeks ago to tell us they were moving, I cried.  Most of the day was spent in tears . . . and it was enough to make me start taking my medications again.  Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them and excited for their new adventures.  I can't wait to see their new home, complete with a swimming pool!

Moving Trucks :o(

Anyway, I drove up to Layton to see them off.  I was going to send Benji to school, but he has a cold and cough {which I so graciously bestowed upon him}.  I'll try to send him to school next week, though they will probably send him home.  This whole situation is driving me batty!  I have had to call in sick and Allen has had to come home early from work more than once to be with him since he can't be in school.  It has been almost two weeks, and there isn't a lot of school year left to be had.  Grrr.  Oh, back to the point--I had Benji with me, and Nanny & Papa drove down to so see them too.  On their way down from Logan, they picked up Pablo {Lexy's mom's boyfriend}, who is driving one of the trucks to Phoenix.  After they finished loading up the trucks, I left.  I didn't want them to see me cry.  It was really sad; we all love the Layton house, and now there will be strangers living in it.  Dave & Lex are planning on coming back, so they are renting out the house, and renting themselves in Phoenix.  Still, it's sad.  I miss them.  A LOT.

Dave, Lexy & Phoebe after the Savior of the World Performance

Also--they bought a minivan.  Yeah, there's a stigma, but they are handy and convenient and much more gas-friendly than the Suburban they have had for a while.  I'd rather not drive a minivan, but my cute car gets such horrible gas mileage that I'm about ready to trade him in.  I really like my car, and for having 98,000 miles he still looks really good; I just hate shelling out so much money at the pump.

Mom & Dad went to SLC after they left Layton, and I met up with them at Rachael's house.  We hung out for a while, but Mach is SO busy with her jobs and her calling and her piano playing--she is accompanying Lily's school program and has to be at rehearsals at least once per week.  It was nice to see her for a little while, but I had to leave to get ready for a LASIK follow-up appointment {still @ 20/20!  It's so lovely!} and an information meeting at the University of Utah I had that evening.

Third: I had a revelation.  Okay, it was not exactly a revelation as much as it was a "lightbulb" moment.

I wasn't expecting it, but the realization just came to me during this information session:

I know what I want to be when I grow up.

I have been thinking about this for a long time, but there were a lot of things going on and I wasn't sure I wanted to commit to anything as big as Graduate School and I feel guilty constantly about not spending enough time with Benji.  Well, during this information session, I had a few realizations.

A)  I'm not a great mom, in fact--I would be a crappy stay-at-home mom.  With Benji being home sick for the past couple of weeks, I realized just how hard it is.  Please don't get me wrong--I love Benji with all my heart--but he is not an easy child.  I get very impatient with him.  For example, getting him to put on his pants takes at least 20 minutes and a thousand reminders and "try-agains" to remind him of what he's doing, and to help him get it right.  After several of these sessions {i.e., every time he goes to the bathroom} and requiring his third shower of the day, I was so frustrated that I spanked him.  I felt so guilty about it and apologized and tried to give him extra loves and cuddles, but it doesn't change the fact that I hit my child.  I hope he has forgotten, but I never will.  Anyway, I realized that I am much more loving and kind to Benji when I don't see him as often.  He is much easier to love in small doses.  My realization was that I'm never going to be a good stay-at-home mom.  I'm just not.

B)  I have wanted to go back to school for a while, but I wasn't sure in what subject.  I like to do a lot of things, but I feel like you need to be passionate about what you study, if you are going to dedicate so much time and effort to it.  The only thing that has kept my attention for a long time is health care, and my education/career is at a crossroads.  I have been here for a while, learning and working, etc., but I haven't moved on.  It has been good, and I'm grateful for the experience, but I see so many people around me moving on with their lives, that I have felt the push too.  Being a surgical tech is great, but I don't want to do it forever.  There are some techs I work with who have literally been scrubbing longer than I have been alive {and I'm no spring chicken!}.  They are excellent at what they do, but most of them are tired and jaded and I don't want to end up like that.   So, the way I see it, I could take one of two paths: the Nursing Route, or the Physician's Assistant {P.A.} route.

As for nursing: I work with nurses every day; I have a great respect for them and I enjoy working with them.  I think I could be a good nurse, if I wanted to go down that road.  Here are the problems with nursing education as I see it: it's either good and {usually} expensive, or mediocre and cheap.  There are several nursing schools around the Salt Lake Valley, and I have friends who have gone to many of them.  The ones that are easy to get into are expensive.  Unbelievably expensive, especially for an associate's degree.  Salt Lake Community College {or SLCC, pronounced "SLICK"} is cheap, but incredibly competitive.  They have a waiting list of more than a year, and one can't even get on the list until all of the prerequisites are complete.  There was a partnership between the company I work for {Intermountain Healthcare} and SLCC, where IHC would pay for 100% of tuition and books in return for working full-time for two years after graduation.  That's an amazing opportunity, but they are dissolving this partnership because there are so many other nursing programs out there and the market is fairly saturated.  Many of my friends who have graduated have had difficulty finding jobs.  That's got to be really frustrating for people who have just spent a small fortune on schooling.  Also, my friends who graduated from the SLCC program do not recommend it to others.  It's not great.  Plus, I know I wouldn't be satisfied with being an RN; I'd want to go on and get a Master's and possibly an N.P., which would mean at least six more years of schooling.  So, this route is full of rocks and hard places.

As for the P.A. route: I have been talking about it for a long time.  Ever since I started working with PAs in surgery, talking to them and realizing what they do, I have had it in the back of my mind that I'd like to do it someday.  I have visited the UPAP {Utah Physican Assistant Program} website several times, and looking at the prerequisites and such, I have thought that it would be easier for me to get into PA school than into nursing school.  For example, most nursing programs require nutrition and statistics to get it.  I never took those classes, but I have taken calculus and Biochemistry {for heaven's sake, I have a Chemistry minor!}.  So what are the University of Utah's requirements?

• Bachelor's Degree, as this is a Master's degree program {I received my BA in Biology in 2007}
• Required Courses: Human Anatomy and Physiology {check and check}, four credits in Biology {one tends to get a few more than that, having a major in Biology} and eight credits in Chemistry {one gets more than that with a Chemistry minor}
• GPA higher than 2.7 {3.15 is nothing to brag about, but it meets the requirement!}
• Healthcare experience > 2000 hours, or about one year full-time {um, I have been working for Intermountain Healthcare for 11 years, plus working at the University Hospital before my mission would easily give me more than 20,000 hours}.

The lightbulb came on when I realized that my whole life has been preparing me for this.  I may not be the best candidate, but I would certainly not be the worst.  I think there's a real possibility of my getting in, and this is something I think I would be good at and enjoy--a rare and precious combination.  It isn't medical school, but it is a medicinal-type of education, and it is probably the best I could hope for at this stage in my life.

I came home and spoke with Allen about it.  I told him I was tired of nagging him to go to school, and that one of us needed to do something to move us beyond this point.  We talked about cost and commitment {and how he'll basically be a single dad for the entire time I am in school, and how he will still be responsible to pay all of the bills since I won't be able to work at the same time}.  He came up with plenty of valid excuses and reasons not to, including that "we'll be taxed to death" once I'm gainfully employed, but--what it comes down to--he will support me if I get in.  And with Benji being Benji, I couldn't do it by myself.  

So that's where we are.  I'm going to start the application process {it's a big one, with exams and essays and multiple rounds of interviews}, in hopes of admission to the program starting in 2014.  And we'll see.  I feel like this is the right direction, and for the first time in a long while, I'm excited for the future.  I hope you'll stick with me on this crazy ride.