The Heart of a Girl

Nearly five months have gone by since my last post.  If I didn't have much of a following before, I'm sure I don't have an audience at all now; unless I decide to link to it from my Facebook.  I might; we'll see how eloquent I feel at 1:51 a.m.

My heart is heavy tonight with feelings of inadequacy.  I am NOT an adrenaline junkie; I don't seek out adventure or thrill and I pretty much retreat from conflict. I'm a peacemaker (as most middle-children are) and a centrist: I really try to see all sides of a story, and even then, I try to reserve judgement.  I'm not always successful at this and sometimes I do argue when I'm very passionate about something, but most of the time I just try to keep my head down and fly under the radar. I have enough going on in my little life that I feel my opinion is just a drop in the ocean: meaningless to anyone outside of myself. It is my opinion, however, and if you are reading this you might find some value in what I have to say, despite the small and simple nature of my voice.

The death of Robin Williams has been weighing on me. I haven't really cried yet; maybe I'm still in denial. I do know that he was a beautiful man and a tremendous actor. I am very grateful for the wonderful movies and words and deeds he left behind, to help those millions of us who are in mourning. While his death is a tragedy, I am grateful for the dialogue it has opened. Many people are talking and writing about suicide. I am not here to say whether suicide is right or wrong, whether or not a person who does a lifetime of good deeds is damned for a single decision. That judgement belongs to our loving Father in Heaven, who understands the pain and suffering of every tormented soul. Personally, I believe He will err on the side of mercy and kindness; would that we were as kind to ourselves.

I also know that I am not the only person to have thought of suicide. Being a rational creature, and having had my heart torn apart with the loss of loved ones, I know I could never actually go through with it. I couldn't leave that burden to my family. But I have been desperate enough to pray for an accident, cancer, or something else that would allow me to escape with dignity and without causing pain to others. I even had myself convinced that I would never live past age 35 (I'll be 36 in January). Alas--I am still here. 

Why am I still here? I wonder sometimes. I'm not going to change the world. I'm never going to be a fantastic mother or wife. I doubt I'll ever be famous (and I don't really want to be) or beautiful or thin or a "success story." So why should I continue to stick it out? 

Some say that hope is the answer. Yes, hope is important. I hope that, in the end, our Heavenly Father sees someone who has tried--maybe not as hard as I possibly could, but tried nonetheless--to be a good person, to help others and show love and serve His children. I hope He leans toward the side of mercy over justice when I stand before Him one day; but I can't hang my hat on hope. The idea that something better will come along is not enough. 

Obligation is a big part of why I'm still here. I signed up for this whole parenthood thing, and it is HARD. And I'm not very good at it. I'm far too selfish and I need time to myself, but I can't believe there is anyone on earth who loves my Benjamin as much as I do, and as long as he will let me, I will shower him with hugs and kisses every day. I may fail him completely and never see him as an independent adult; I may never understand what goes on in that brain of his, and I may never be as strong an Autism Advocate as I should be, but I'm trying. My best will never be enough, but dear Lord, I'm trying. I owe it to him to be around as long as I can.

I think the other reason why I haven't gone through with anything is because there is so much beauty in this world. I'm glad I can see it; I know some people cannot (or do not), and my heart breaks for them. The nature, the music, the architecture, the people . . . I have only seen and heard and felt a small part of what this earth has to offer, and there is so much more to experience. Rather than crossing things off, my bucket list keeps growing longer. I guess that is where my hope comes in--that I'll be able to travel and taste and see the wonders of this bountiful earth before I leave it. 

So there's my little drop in the ocean. It may not mean much in the sea full of voices, but it is my voice, and my opinions are as valid as anyone else's. We need to love each other, help each other, and let God be the judge. Please, my friends: let's be kind to one another. We are all fighting hard battles, and we need each other's strength.

Time Goes By

I missed the entire month of February. There have been things I want to write about, but most of it is just day-to-day. School, work, church, trying to keep up with the house and the laundry, etc. There isn't a lot that's special about these days. I feel pretty crummy that I didn't even do anything for Benji's birthday. I said that he wouldn't care, Allen wouldn't care, and the only one who cares about a party is me. So I thought we would do fun stuff and spoil him and go swimming . . . nope, nope and nope. We were sick (as per usual this time of year), Benji was having some serious attitude that weekend, and giving him cake would have only reinforced the bad behaviour. And I don't have a swimming suit that fits me right now. I'm such a slacker.

And now March is halfway over. I'm watching "The Fugitive" (my only St. Patrick's Day tradition) and doing laundry. I should be in bed, since I need to work 12 hours tomorrow. I'm back to the 11am-11pm shifts, which aren't too hard in-and-of themselves, but when I have three-in-a-row, it's brutal. I really should be sleeping.

I have been teaching the 6-7 year old kids in Primary, and it has been, well, interesting. They are funny and talkative and smart and exhausting. I had a co-teacher for a couple of weeks, but she asked to be released. So I have been on my own. They finally found some brethren who agreed to teach, but they don't put men and women who aren't married into the same class. So I will be going into Nursery: hanging with the 18-month to 3-year-olds. It will be fine; I just feel like it will be even more isolating for me at church. I was put into Primary about 3 weeks after we moved in, so pretty much the only adults I know are the teachers and leaders there. And now I'll be babysitting for two hours every week. I should be happier about it, but I'm sure I'll be comparing what these toddlers can do that my Benji can't. That's always a little depressing.

Aren't you glad you're still reading my blog? I used to be so good at writing. Not so much anymore. Another reason why I'm mother of the year.

Anyway, there's a super-quick update for me and my little life. I'll try to write something more meaningful soon.

"What is this, a trenchcoat convention?"

We Get To Carry Each Other

 {This is part two of little Ezra's birth story.}

The day after Ezra was born, his brothers and sister got to meet him!  It was kinda hard getting out of the door with all the kiddos in tow (especially with everyone still being a little sick), but we finally made it.

Kim, Zekey, Phoebe, Dave & Noah in front of West Valley Hospital

Into the Maternity Ward

And then to Lexy's room.

Apparently, it had been a break room before it was converted to a patient room, and it had a HUGE bathroom.  It was at least as big as the bed area, if not bigger.  It also had a lovely view of the air conditioning units on the roof.  We gathered all the kiddos into the bathroom so they could come out and meet him one at a time.  First up was Zeke.

Zekey's first peek

Then it was Phoebe's turn.

"Are you sure about this kid?"

"Yeah, he's all right."

Phoebe: "I think he might be the cutest boy in the family."
Zeke: "Oh, no she didn't!"

And {last but not least} Noah.

Noah: "I'm going to have to find a new hiding place for my Legos."

The Big Brothers

All four of the Nolan kids

The boys: Dave, Zeke, Ezra and Noah

The girls: Lex, Phoebe & Kim {Lexy's sister}

I tried to get some pictures of the handsome little man with his eyes open; I wasn't very successful.  His skin is super sensitive, so his face was really red.

Sweet baby Ezra

Everyone trying to get their hands on the baby

Ezra: "Too much love!"

Trying to wrangle all of them on one hospital bed

Phoebe: "I want to go to the butterfly museum!"

After feeding him for a few minutes, Lexy let the kiddos hold him for the first time.

I love the look on Zekey's face!

Poor Zeke did manage to bonk his head on a chair, and he got a pretty sad bump on the head.  But he was okay.

Kim, Zekey and the goose egg

And . . . I'll throw in a picture of my Benji for good measure.

We left shortly thereafter, to let Lexy get a little rest before she came home.  This is one of the last pictures I took at the hospital, and I love it.  Not only are they beautiful, but they are some of the most down-to-earth, good people who I know.  I'm so very blessed to call them family!

Family of Six

I love you guys!

The Shaping of a Life

I wanted to post some pictures of my sweet little nephew Ezra!  I was very blessed to have been present at his birth, and I kind-of did my first 'birth story' as a photographer.  It was fun, and it was such a privilege to see this amazing process from this point of view.  It doesn't hurt that Dave & Lexy are super photogenic, and they are family, so I was totally comfortable around them.

You can't tell, but that is a jar of Prego, and her shirt says "I {heart} my hubby."  I took this right before they left for the hospital on January 1st.  We got to their house on Sunday 12/29, and Lex was contracting almost the whole time.  She also had a terrible cough, so she was miserable.  Coughing  + contractions?  NO THANK YOU.    She was a very good sport about it, though.  Technically she did go into the hospital to be induced, but it wouldn't have been much longer if she hadn't.  So she and Dave {and Lexy's sister Kim} put the kids down {they had a sleep-over in the sweet Master Suite}, and they went to the West Valley Hospital, about 13 miles from their home in Goodyear.

I asked them to call me if anything happened overnight, but they just let her rest and 'ripen' (whatever that means!).  I arrived about 6:30am on Thursday, January 2nd.  This was my view at that point:

Not exactly sure what the star was for . . .

Lexy snoozing in the early morning

Dave trying to stay warm

Lex had already gotten her epidural, so she was resting quite comfortably.  The nurse was in and out (and I had to step out a few times), but Dr. Sun came in to see her around 8am, and he broke her water.

Lexy and her nurse Paula

The armbands.  They got another one after the baby was born.

Vital signs monitoring.  Baby's heart rate was 150, Mom's blood
pressure was111/64 and SpO2 was 97%.  Can you say "Rockstar?"

Contraction monitor

So we all got ready.  Lexy and I did our makeup, and Dave ordered breakfast for himself.  Dave didn't want me to take a picture of him without his hair done.  I did get one, however, of his breakfast feast.

"Put on a little makeup, makeup . . ."

. . . with a little time-out for a contraction.

Dave's ginormous breakfast 

Nurse Paula, checking stuff out.

 Lexy was dying for some water, but she had to content herself with ice chips and saline nose spray.

What up?

I love this picture! Classic!

The White Board of Doom . . . with our predictions across the top.
Dave was closest in time and weight; I was closest in height.  

Lexy's epidural wasn't really working on one whole side of her body, so they did some interesting positioning, had the anesthesiologist come back in to give her a bolus of Fentanyl, and even used the peanut ball at one point.

Betcha can't guess why they call it a "peanut ball."

The Buddha Position

Trying to get some relief

At least she wasn't too uncomfortable for long.  Around 10am, she was fully dilated.  She was bravely holding on until Dr. Sun came back.

Seriously . . . who looks this gorgeous when they are having a baby?  My sister-in-law!

Baby had a few decelerations with the contractions, so they decided to put an oxygen mask on her.

And Dave was at her side the whole time.

One of my favorites from the whole day.

Dr. Sun finally made his way to room #234 {he had spent some time next door with a lady who was SCREAMING!}, and it was time to get into position.  I took my place in the 'safety zone.'

Dr. Sun getting gowned up for his first delivery of 2014!  With Mary Ann, the nursery RN

Then it was time to push!  I had to put down my camera for a couple of minutes, as it was distracting the doctor.  So this is what I got of the pushing.

Holding her breath, and pushing for three counts of 10

And . . . he came out just perfectly!

Suctioning out his little nose and mouth

Baby was crying and peeing all over everything!

And Dave announced that his name would be Ezra Patrick Nolan.  I LOVE IT.

Bringing Ezra up for some skin-to-skin contact with mom

Sweet baby boy!

A very small glimpse of the placenta in the background

Dave & I followed Mary Ann over to the incubator while Paula and Dr. Sun took care of Lexy.

Look at those wrinkles!

Massage and APGARs

Getting weighed--bigger than any of us thought he would be!

Looking concerned

Thanks for the hat, but take me back to my mommy!

Yes, sir!

Handing him over

I took some time out to e-mail pictures to Dave, so he could send out the announcement to the family.  Then I got a few more pictures before his first bath.

And some with daddy.

A couple of him getting cleaned up.

Angry babies!

Finally drying off

Then Nurse Paula got Lexy up to use the restroom.  Since her epidural was only working on one side, one of her legs was still numb.  So she got to use this cool half-sitting, half-standing contraption.

Lexy with Nurse Paula {and being photobombed by Nurse Mary Ann}

We got ready to be transferred out of Labor & Delivery, into the post-partum room.

Ready to roll.

Me with the cutest little man!

All settled in to the new room.

I've gotta go to bed.  I'll do another post with the kiddos meeting their new brother for the first time.  It's very sweet.  This whole experience was just amazing.  I love these people, and especially this tiny boy!

*Please do not use these pictures without permission!  Thank you!