I took Benji to the pediatrician yesterday. I didn't think it was going to be a big deal, but that was before they weighed him. He was not the 28 lbs I expected, but he was 26 lbs 4 oz. That's 5 oz less than he weighed at his one-year appointment. And according to the very unscientific method of measuring height, apparently Benji has shrunk 1/2 inch as well (yeah, right). He's certainly not underweight, but he has gone from the 90th percentile to the 75th in weight and from the 75th percentile to the 50th in height. His head size is
up to the 90th now, so he has allegedly shrunk everywhere except his head. Isn't that wonderful?
Because he's not walking just yet, and he doesn't have a bigger vocabulary and/or signs, and with his losing weight (nevermind that he has become a lot more picky with what he will eat, his being more active and his being sick for the past two months . . .) and with his exotropia (eyes that don't always line up), our pediatrician is worried about him. So we went up to Primary's to get some labs drawn and to schedule an MRI. :o(
I haven't heard back anything yet, so we can hope that no news is good news. Our pediatrician wants to see him again in a month to make sure he's gaining weight and that he's walking by then. If he's not, then she wants to do physical therapy.
*sigh* Have I not been worried enough? Is my pediatrician overreacting? We have tried really hard to not feed him junk food and stuff, and now she wants us to start giving him juice, etc. He doesn't look unhealthy, does he? I thought we were doing well . . .
apparently not.
So yesterday was not a great day. After all that, I dropped Benji off at Lexy's (again--she has been my savior this week!) so I could go to work, and they put me in a room doing a free-flap.
Apparently I do micro now. It's not
that different from general surgery, and it's not too bad when I don't have to be under the scope, but I just suck at it. My big, clumsy fingers aren't good with teeny sutures and very fine instruments. Plus, the surgeon (it wasn't me, I promise!) lost a BV100-4 needle with a 9-0 suture on it (which is finer than a human hair!), so my counts were off. And are you supposed to count Weck-Cell spears and micro clips? I keep thinking you should, since they could be 'lost in the wound,' but apparently you don't. It would be nice if I had a
little formal training . . . yeah, right.
I'm just exhausted from all of this. My self-esteem has never been great, but after our doctor's appointment, it took a pretty big hit. On top of the fact that I feel like a terrible mother, work has been tough this week, I haven't seen much of my family, my child is shrinking, and my hip has been hurting. I am excited that I only have to work for eight hours tomorrow, and that we get to go to Ann Marie's reception in the evening and to see "Angels & Demons." I'm tired, but there is a light on the horizon (no line).
Because he's not walking just yet, and he doesn't have a bigger vocabulary and/or signs, and with his losing weight (nevermind that he has become a lot more picky with what he will eat, his being more active and his being sick for the past two months . . .) and with his exotropia (eyes that don't always line up), our pediatrician is worried about him. So we went up to Primary's to get some labs drawn and to schedule an MRI. :o(
I haven't heard back anything yet, so we can hope that no news is good news. Our pediatrician wants to see him again in a month to make sure he's gaining weight and that he's walking by then. If he's not, then she wants to do physical therapy. *sigh* Have I not been worried enough? Is my pediatrician overreacting? We have tried really hard to not feed him junk food and stuff, and now she wants us to start giving him juice, etc. He doesn't look unhealthy, does he? I thought we were doing well . . . apparently not.
So yesterday was not a great day. After all that, I dropped Benji off at Lexy's (again--she has been my savior this week!) so I could go to work, and they put me in a room doing a free-flap. Apparently I do micro now. It's not that different from general surgery, and it's not too bad when I don't have to be under the scope, but I just suck at it. My big, clumsy fingers aren't good with teeny sutures and very fine instruments. Plus, the surgeon (it wasn't me, I promise!) lost a BV100-4 needle with a 9-0 suture on it (which is finer than a human hair!), so my counts were off. And are you supposed to count Weck-Cell spears and micro clips? I keep thinking you should, since they could be 'lost in the wound,' but apparently you don't. It would be nice if I had a little formal training . . . yeah, right.
I'm just exhausted from all of this. My self-esteem has never been great, but after our doctor's appointment, it took a pretty big hit. On top of the fact that I feel like a terrible mother, work has been tough this week, I haven't seen much of my family, my child is shrinking, and my hip has been hurting. I am excited that I only have to work for eight hours tomorrow, and that we get to go to Ann Marie's reception in the evening and to see "Angels & Demons." I'm tired, but there is a light on the horizon (no line).
6 comments:
Oh Mary, I'm so sorry! It's so easy to feel inadequate as a mom. It's something most moms struggle with every day! I'm sure Benji will be fine - his momma and daddy love him and I know you will do everything in your power to help him.
Hang in there!
I am so sorry you had such a rough day. It just doesn't seem fair. but God gave you Benji because you ARE able to care for him. If it is any consolation, many TV broadcasters have big heads--literally. Who knows what he might be when he grows up with you guys for parents. I spent far too much time feeling inadequate as a parent. that is one path I prefer you not follow.
I love you and think you are great! Mom
Mary, you totally shouldn't be freaking out. When Frank turned two and he still wasn't talking, we finally took him to early intervention, and he tested at a six month level. Six months. And he was two years old. But after less than two months of speech therapy, he was a little motor mouth. There is totally nothing wrong with using whatever resources your child needs. Just be glad you are an educated parent who is able to provide all the things he needs... I'm sure you are a most excellent mom, and I'm sure everything with Benji will turn out fine. And as a side note, I've seen the "science" that goes into weighing a measuring children, and I'd say it's no science at all.
And I bet you didn't know I was a blog stalker.
Oh MAry, you are not even close to being a bad mother. and it's true almost every mom atleast the ones who really are trying their hardest to provide the best life for their kids never feel good enough. I think its a good and bad thing.
Really though I think whatever the results with Benji are that you and Allen will be able to pull through it and he will be able to overcome whatever it might be. And really it could be nothing. You are a strong women and an amazing mom. Don't think less of yourself.:) I know Benji and everyone else don't think anything less than that. hang in there!
Mary, love, you are FINE. And let me tell you--trust Dr. Cox! With everything we've gone through with Jack's asthma and everything else, I would trust her to the ends of the earth! You guys will be just fine, no matter what. And these problems are not an indication of your parenting! It's hard to think that something might be "wrong" with your child and it's okay to mourn that, but then you have to brush yourself off and do what it takes to help him. Loves yous.
Mary, we're all behind you in the parenting choices you make. It's not easy! It's especially not easy not to internalize their development, but please remember that this little boy has just as much love from his mommy as any other little boy I've ever known --which means that anything that could be wrong or needs to be fixed is just that. It's NOT because of you. I love you.
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