Whatever I Fear The Most

Today has been really weird. First, Allen has started working on a new account at Unisys, and the training is 8-5. He used to go to work at 4am, and I would wake up a few hours later. Today I woke up at 11:00 a.m. When does that happen? Allen's computer is in our bedroom; he usually turns it off at night, and Benji usually wakes up around 8:00 a.m. When I hear him, I get up. Allen left the computer on last night, and I forgot how loud it is. I didn't hear anything until I woke up at 11. Benji was talking to himself, so I went in to pick him up. He was okay, but he had another blow-out overnight . . . I'm pretty sure it is Rotavirus, or something like it. So much for the vaccination! Grrr! Anyway, I changed him, and he was just crying. He usually doesn't cry when I'm changing his diaper, so that was weird (I think his bum hurts, and Rotavirus causes nasty stomach cramps). Then he was actually snuggly. That's when I really know he's sick--it's pretty rare that he will snuggle with me. He's always up and looking around and grabbing at something when I'm holding him . . . usually my glasses or earrings or hair. Later, we were watching PBS kids, and he was crawling around while I was using the laptop. Then I realized that our little table/filing cabinet was falling over on top of my little boy. I jumped up and grabbed him, then ripped off his clothes to see if he had any injuries. He looks okay, though I have been keeping a fairly close eye on him to see if he would bruise or swell or anything. He was so sad, and I felt like the worst mother ever. Allen bought me roses yesterday as an apology, and I usually put them on that table. I didn't this time; they were on the kitchen counter when this happened. If they had been on the table, the vase probably would have hit Benji in the head. It could have been much worse. I'm grateful it wasn't. When I was feeding him dinner, he ate pretty well. Toward the end (when I was trying to feed him veggies . . . he wasn't really interested), he started gagging, like he was going to throw up. He didn't, so I didn't think about it. When I was getting him ready for his bath, he really puked. BLOWING CHUNKS. It got on me a bit, but the rug took the brunt of it. So he got a quick rinse off, then we drained the tub to get rid of the chunks and started again. We have started brushing his teeth while he's in the tub, since he spits most of the toothpaste out anyway. So I brushed his teeth, and started draining the tub again. Benji is just starting to stand up on his own (there's another tick on the worst-mother-ever tally, since he's nearly 15-months old). Today was the first time I have seen him stand up without support while in the tub; it's only for a few seconds, but when he stands on his own, I'm still proud of him. Anyway, I was putting the toothbrush away on the bathroom counter (five or six feet from the tub), and I heard a splash. I looked over, and Benji was on his back, with only his face above the water. I'll never forget the look in his eyes--absolute terror. I pulled him out and just held him. If the water had been any higher, or if I had been any further away (it wasn't a big splash) . . . it just makes me sick to think what could have happened. So today has been a crazy reminder of how fragile life is, and how child-friendly my home isn't. Don't worry--we'll be making some changes. I can't live with this fear anymore. It makes me ill.