Anyone who knows me knows that I have a lot of random things in my brain; especially song lyrics. For some strange reason, I can remember the lyrics of hundreds (if not thousands) of songs, yet I can be six steps away from my car and not remember if I locked it or not. Yeah. So anyway, I have known this song, "Runaway Train" by Soul Asylum, for well over 15 years. It was released in 1993, and won a Grammy for Best Rock Song in 1994.
So this is a song about missing children, right? Yes and no. Today this song came on the radio while I was driving home from a doctor's appointment and I actually listened to the lyrics I have been singing for so many years. Here are some thoughts on what I heard.
Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a blowtorch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning
So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
Promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep
I promise myself (and others) a lot of things that just don't happen. I can't blame anyone else for it, either. It's what I have done with my life.
It seems no one can help me now
I'm in too deep there's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray
I have led myself astray. I know the path I should be taking, and yet I wander. Willingly.
Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there
I work hard; I should be getting somewhere. But I'm wandering, and I'm stuck all at the same time. I go to church, I try to be a good person, but I'm neither here nor there.
Can you help me remember how to smile?
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded?
Life's mystery seems so faded
To quote from another song: "I knew much more then than I do now." Ten years ago, I certainly didn't see my life going where it has. I didn't want to be jaded or bitter. I wanted to have a meaningful, spiritual life. That was the ticket.
I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just a-drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train
And everything seems cut and dried
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it
Is everything black and white? I seem to be spending a lot of time in a grey area known as "justification."
Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there
Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughing at the rain
A little out of touch, a little insane
It's just easier than dealing with the pain
It is easier to be crazy than to face the pain of what you have lost, of what you have given up. Sometimes I'd like to be really crazy, then I could justify taking that train and running away from my problems. Unfortunately (?), I am quite logical and not very brave.
Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there
Runaway train, never coming back
Runaway train, tearing up the track
Runaway train, burning in my veins
I run away but it always seems the same
I do run away from some things. I admit it. I'm afraid to open my heart, because the hurt is real, and sometimes it's the only thing I can truly call my own. I have to be so many things: mother, wife, housekeeper, cook, employee, sister, teacher, student, consumer, provider, leader, follower, etc. I get lost in all I have to do. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in the rain, and no one will even notice if I disappear. What's the point in trying if what I do doesn't matter?
Seems like I should be getting somewhere.
