I Never Said I Was a Victim of Circumstance

In the past couple of days, I have been doing a lot of thinking.  Why am I unhappy?  Where do I see my life going?   What can I really hope for in this life?

That's some heavy stuff.  And the answers aren't necessarily all clear to me right now, but some of the fog has lifted, so to speak.  Let's start with the happiness question.

Why am I unhappy?  Until recently, I would have (and did) say that it was because I was stuck in a loveless marriage.  I said it was because of Allen, how he brings me down, how I feel like I have to do everything to even keep us afloat.

I was writing a blog post about another relationship (which will probably remain unpublished), when I realized that I choose to be unhappy.  I made all of the choices that have brought me to this point in my life, and I choose how I react to my circumstances.  You'd think I would have figured this out years ago, but I think I needed to make these decisions and realizations for myself.

Another thing that has helped me was a little talk I had with a friend of mine from work.  I have been spending a lot of time in OR 4 (the robot room), since I am one of two scrub techs who regularly work afternoon shifts who are trained, and there are usually robotic cases going well into the evening hours.  Anyway, it takes a lot of prep and set-up, but once the surgeon is working in the console, there's a lot of sitting around.  So Robby was the circulating nurse on Friday, and we started talking.  Robby is a really good guy.  He was one of the scrub techs who trained me several years ago.  He's smart, friendly, easy going.  He also graduated from nursing school about a year ago, and he is married with two children and one on the way.  I have a lot of respect for him, so I wanted to see if there were any similarities between his marriage and my own.

I asked him if he had certain chores he did at home.  He said that he does the laundry and vacuuming, along with some other things.  I asked him if he could see what needed to be done and did it (one of my biggest frustrations with Allen is his obliviousness to messes/dishes/laundry/whatever needs to be done).  Robby said no; he does laundry because it's Wednesday.   I asked him about his motivation to get through school, and he said that his wife definitely had to push and encourage him along the way.  That's another big frustration I have with Allen--his seeming lack of motivation to do anything to change our situation.  But if a guy like Robby needs nagging and a chore schedule, that means something.  That means I'm not the only person who has to deal with this kind of thing.  And maybe it means that mens' brains really do work differently from womens'.  No matter how much I sulk or withdraw or how frustrated I get, Allen won't understand unless I actually tell him.  I haven't said much lately, because I feel like Allen doesn't listen to me.  I can ask him to do something, and he'll do it once or twice, but then things go back to the way they were.  Of course, if I don't give him the opportunity to listen, he can't.

So it all comes back to me, if I really want to be happy, and what I decide to do with my life and my relationships.  In reality, though, it all comes down to Benjamin and what's best for him.  However much I may want freedom, I signed up for motherhood.  He needs people who love him and who want to take care of him, and it is just too difficult for one person to do alone.  He deserves a mother who is going to stick by him, teach him, and love him unconditionally.  I have had one foot out the door for a long time, and I need to make a decision: all-in, or all-out.

I need to be all-in.  There's a part of me that doesn't want to admit it, but one reason why I have been unhappy is because I have let that part win.  That is the animal I have chosen to feed, the place where I have let fantasies rule.  This is reality; this is the life I have chosen.  And truth be told, it's not that bad.

Where do I see my life going?  I'm not too sure.  I know what I want, but I have to work to get there.  I have made some baby steps, like agreeing (finally) to have one bank account, and giving Allen daily directions and jobs, because that's what he needs to get stuff done.  I also told Allen that we are moving into a house this year, because I am just done with this apartment.  It's time to move on.  So we are making this happen.  It will take a lot of work and discipline and a real budget, but it's worth it to me, because now I know I will be staying in this relationship.

What can I really hope for?  I don't want to extinguish that tiny flame that wants freedom, but I do know that I can do more of the things I love, see my friends more often, travel, etc. if I know Benjamin is taken care of.  Allen may be somewhat anti-social, but I need to have lunches with friends, craft days with the sisters, girls' nights, and the rest of it.  He doesn't begrudge it of me; I just tell him what I'm doing, and he usually says, "Okay."  He's not controlling, but he's not decisive, either.  I'm the one who has to decide the direction in which we are moving.  ("The man is the head, but the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants.") I'm the one with goals and dreams.  Even so, when I tell him what we are doing and give him some direction, he will do a lot of the work.

So that is what I choose with my freedom: to make the decisions of where my family is headed. I get to decide what we do.  I get to decide how I react to my husband's idiosyncrasies.  I can choose to be happy, in whatever circumstance I may be in.  That doesn't mean I won't be frustrated or angry or depressed at times, but it does mean that I know with whom that responsibility lies.

With me.