09 November 2011

Somehow I'm Neither Here Nor There

Anyone who knows me knows that I have a lot of random things in my brain; especially song lyrics.  For some strange reason, I can remember the lyrics of hundreds (if not thousands) of songs, yet I can be six steps away from my car and not remember if I locked it or not.  Yeah.  So anyway, I have known this song, "Runaway Train" by Soul Asylum, for well over 15 years.  It was released in 1993, and won a Grammy for Best Rock Song in 1994.



So this is a song about missing children, right?  Yes and no.  Today this song came on the radio while I was driving home from a doctor's appointment and I actually listened to the lyrics I have been singing for so many years.  Here are some thoughts on what I heard.

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a blowtorch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
Promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep

I promise myself (and others) a lot of things that just don't happen.  I can't blame anyone else for it, either.  It's what I have done with my life.

It seems no one can help me now
I'm in too deep there's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

I have led myself astray.  I know the path I should be taking, and yet I wander.  Willingly.

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

I work hard; I should be getting somewhere.  But I'm wandering, and I'm stuck all at the same time.  I go to church, I try to be a good person, but I'm neither here nor there.

Can you help me remember how to smile?
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded?
Life's mystery seems so faded

To quote from another song: "I knew much more then than I do now."  Ten years ago, I certainly didn't see my life going where it has.  I didn't want to be jaded or bitter.  I wanted to have a meaningful, spiritual life.  That was the ticket.

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just a-drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

And everything seems cut and dried
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it

Is everything black and white?  I seem to be spending a lot of time in a grey area known as "justification."

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughing at the rain
A little out of touch, a little insane
It's just easier than dealing with the pain

It is easier to be crazy than to face the pain of what you have lost, of what you have given up.  Sometimes I'd like to be really crazy, then I could justify taking that train and running away from my problems.  Unfortunately (?), I am quite logical and not very brave. 

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Runaway train, never coming back
Runaway train, tearing up the track
Runaway train, burning in my veins
I run away but it always seems the same

I do run away from some things.  I admit it.  I'm afraid to open my heart, because the hurt is real, and sometimes it's the only thing I can truly call my own.  I have to be so many things: mother, wife, housekeeper, cook, employee, sister, teacher, student, consumer, provider, leader, follower, etc.  I get lost in all I have to do.  Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in the rain, and no one will even notice if I disappear.  What's the point in trying if what I do doesn't matter?

This isn't a plea for help or recognition.  I'm not brave enough to actually do anything drastic, and I couldn't bear to hurt my family that way.  It's just my trying to express how insignificant I feel, and of the thoughts I struggle with every day.  All of this is especially poignant because of my imminent departure from a wonderful job in exchange one that will be more demanding in nearly every way.  

Seems like I should be getting somewhere.

07 November 2011

Everybody's Changing

I have worked for Intermountain Healthcare (commonly referred to as IHC) for nearly 10 years.  It is a good, stable, non-profit company.  There are things I like, and things I don't like about it, but overall, they have been pretty good to me.

Every Autumn, the muckity-mucks send out a Gallup survey, to see how "engaged" their employees are.  I think it's out of a scale of 1-5, with 5 being the 'super-excited, I LOVE my job and can't wait to go to work' end of the spectrum.  I think we consistently meet around 4--pretty good.  At Primary Children's Riverton (where I work), our score is closer to 4.5.  Everyone who works there loves it; me included.  This is definitely the best job I have ever had.

Unfortunately, real life comes in to bite you on the you-know-what, and when opportunities present themselves, you need to take them.  Ever since I transferred to Primary Childrens from Intermountain Medical Center (both within the IHC system), I have been 'floating,' i.e., working at places other than my home facility.  This has been to keep my hours.  At PC-Riv, we don't have enough cases to consistently allow every one to get their full allotment of hours (40/week in my case).  Some days are busy, with surgeries going past 4pm.  Many days are pitiful, with only one or two cases total, finished by 10am.  Most days have a few cases, and it is rare that we work past 1pm.  If you aren't concerned about your PTO balance, or if you can take that time unpaid, it's perfect.  Most of us aren't in that situation, so we are scrambling to find work.

About a month ago, I found out that my friend (and fellow scrub tech at IMC) Shaunette was moving to Texas.  That would mean that there would be a vacancy, and the thought just kept nagging me.  I routinely float to IMC 3-4 times per month; I also go to the 'big house' (the main OR at Primary Children's) at least once per week, and occasionally to Riverton Hospital (the adult side; I work in the outpatient pediatric side).  There are a lot of reasons why going back to IMC would be a good thing.  I feel like I should write them down, so you can see my reasoning.

1) Money.  At PC-Riv, I am not guaranteed a full paycheck, and the only times I get my full hours is when I float.  The likelihood of being called off at IMC is much lower.  The possibility is still there, but if you want to work, you usually can.

2) Position.  I had my annual review last month, and while everything was fine, I was going to lose my OR Tech II status.  At PC-Riv, there just isn't enough variety of cases for me to keep my skills up.  I love the small, easy cases we do on healthy kids, but the only times I get to do cool surgeries is when I float to IMC.  Even when I float uptown (PCMC), they put me in the easiest rooms, because they don't know what I can do.  That is partially my fault, because I went to PC-Riverton full-time as soon as I was done orienting.  I did get to do a mandibular distraction last week, which was really interesting, but the only reason I got to do that was because they assigned it to my friend Bethany (a co-worker at PC-Riv), before the assignments were changed.  When we figured out the mix-up, they were worried about me being able to do it.  Yeah, I struggled a little, but it turned out fine.  To make a long story short, if I'm going to work at Primary Children's, I want to work at PC-Riverton.  And as long as I'm at PC-Riv, I won't be scrubbing the level of cases I need to be at a Tech II level.  During my review, it was decided that I would go back to a Tech I level and they would freeze my pay, i.e., I won't get a raise until the Tech I wage reaches what I make.  And that could be several years.  At IMC, I could easily keep my Tech II status.

3) Location.  I don't love our apartment, but we live less than two miles away from IMC.  Actually, I drive past it every day, on my way to Riverton.  With gas prices being so high, and spending so much money just to fill up the tank every week, it has really been burdensome.

So, with all that in mind, I put in my application.  I e-mailed my boss that day and explained all of the above, stating that my main reason for doing it was money; I don't feel like I have anything to hide, so I wanted full-disclosure.  I ended up having my interview at IMC on a day when I was floating there: essentially, I was working at the job I was applying for.  The interview went pretty well, and I told them all of the same things.  I may have emphasized the 'opportunities for growth' more than the money factor, but both are absolutely true.  I even told them that I would have been happy not getting the job, because that would mean I would stay at PC-Riv, but I felt like it was time to move on.

Well, later that week I was floating to PCMC (do you get the picture?  It seems like I hardly ever work at my home base, anyway), and I was in an ENT room with Dr. Grimmer.  I work with him all the time at PC-Riv, but he does his more complicated cases uptown.  The day was fine, until we had to do a laryngoscopy with laser for venous malformations on a young girl.  I just don't do those often enough to be comfortable with them, so I struggled.  I had Sue, the ENT team leader in the room with me, and even she set it up wrong.  I did my best, and Dr. Grimmer was pretty calm about it in actuality, but he was frustrated that nobody seemed to know what they were doing.  I was really stressed, because of how delicate the situation was.  Luckily, everything went well, and my lunch relief came right as we were finishing.  So I went into the bathroom and cried.  That's one BIG reason why I went to Riverton--it's a lot more fun to work with healthy kids.  Working with the sicker ones is much more difficult than I thought it would be.  Anyway, while I was on my lunch break, Human Resources called to offer me the job at IMC.  I said yes.  He told me that they would transfer me over as an OR Tech II (so I'll probably get a raise next year!), and we decided on a start date of November 13.

I hadn't told many people about it, because it's so hard to leave a place you love.  I had been talking about it with my friend Allison, one of my favorite nurses I have ever worked with.  (FYI, on the aforementioned Gallup survey, when they asked if I had a best friend at work, I immediately thought of her.)  She went through something similar, where the people uptown were pressuring her to apply for the ENT Team Leader position, since Sue was stepping down.  Taking it would mean that she couldn't go to PC-Riv anymore, and it was a really hard decision for her; I knew she felt the same way I did.  Unfortunately, it all boils down to the same old thing: money.  They made her an offer she couldn't refuse, so she ended up taking that position.  Admittedly, her taking it was a kind of license for me to move on as well.  I feel calm about it.  It's the right thing to do, even if it hurts. 

I was trying to keep it quiet, since I didn't want my leaving to be a big deal.  Word got out last week, though, so pretty much everybody knows what's happening.  It really is depressing, but I have to make the most of the time I am away from Ben. 

Like Allison said, we are growing up.  We have to make the hard decisions and do what is best for our families.  She and I have very similar music tastes (and she loves U2 almost as much as I do!), and one day while we were cleaning our OR at the end of the day,  "Everybody's Changing" by Keane came on the Pandora.  We both said, "I love this song!"  So it kind-of became our song.

      So little time
      Try to understand that I'm
      Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
      I try to stay awake and remember my name
      But everybody's changing
      And I don't feel the same.

There seems to be lots of reasons to cry these days.  Sometimes I wish I weren't such a logical person.

22 October 2011

And It Makes Me Cry

No, I haven't given up on my blog.  I need an outlet for my writing, and I have lots of things to write about going through my head, all followed with the thought: "I need to blog about that."  This is the most thorough record of my life, for the past few years, anyway, so I really do need to get back on the wagon.  I'm just so busy that this tends to fall on the wayside.  I want to be a good blogger--I want to write stuff that means something, that I'd be happy to go back and read, grateful that I had written it.  In other words, I want to do it well, and since I haven't had time to dedicate to doing it well, I just haven't done it.  It's like quicksand: a bad trap to fall into, and I'm constantly trying to climb my way out of it.  Sometimes it's just easier to let my world swallow me up than to fight to stay above ground.

I want to put in a picture here of my French Family.  Unfortunately, all of those pictures are on film, and I haven't converted them over to digital yet.  I found these on my friend Caroline's Facebook page.  This is them in front of the chapel in Metz.

Caroline, Olivier, Didier and Martine Houmeau, circa 2004
 This is Didier and Martine in 2009.  Aren't they adorable?


This family is amazing.  They are intelligent and kind and good.  I was a missionary in Metz in 2001, and Didier was the Branch President.  It was my last area, and while I was getting ready to go home, Caro was getting ready to leave for her mission in England.  We enjoyed singing together, and she went out with us frequently.  I loved spending time with them.  I visited them when I went back for a study-abroad in 2004, and stayed at their home for a few days.  It wasn't long enough, but it was great to be with them for a little while.

I found out that Martine passed away this week.  She had cancer, which had come back pretty aggressively this time.  It wasn't unexpected, but I'm not sure that makes it any easier.  I hadn't seen them since 2004, but it still hit me like a ton of bricks.  Martine was one of those rare people who actually lived in a Christlike manner.  She was unfailingly kind and generous, always happy and radiating goodness.  She had so much faith and charity, you couldn't help but be drawn to her and want to follow her example. 

That's one reason why it hurts.  She was such a beautiful person, and I won't get to see her again until I'm on the other side.  When I realized that, it reminded me of all the good people in my life who are on the other side, who are missing from me.  And it ripped open those wounds that have taken so long to heal.  I know I can't understand the will of God with my little mind, and I know the pain becomes more bearable over time, but the scars are always there.  I will always ache for my John, for my dear Josie, for Martine, and for the others I have lost. 

Martine loved to sing, and she had a beautiful voice.  She was so humble about it that she was shy about sharing her talent.  I have joined a choir that will be performing some Christmas concerts, and I know she would have loved to have been part of it.  One of the pieces we will sing is called, "In the First Light" (listen to a version of it here).  As Sarah knows, I couldn't get through this song without crying, and now it's basically impossible to keep my composure--especially when we come to this part:

"Hear the angels as they're singing
On the morning of His birth
But how much greater will our song be
When He comes again to Earth."


I know Martine is an angel now, and she'll be singing in heavenly praises to our Lord for the rest of eternity.  I will try to sing to honor her, though it will mostly just end up with me in tears, trying to express a gratitude to God for the gift of having known her.

25 September 2011

Who I Am, Who I'm Not and Who I Want to Be

There have been a lot of voices, in the blogosphere and otherwise, telling me that I need to decide who I want to be.  I have made "To Do" type bucket lists before, but I have never made a "To Be" list.  I think I have been avoiding it for a long time, because it requires self-examination, looking into the deepest parts of your soul to figure out who you really want to be.

A very wise man once said: “With most people, conversion [spiritual rebirth and accompanying remission of sins] is a process; and it goes step by step, degree by degree, level by level, from a lower state to a higher, from grace to grace, until the time that the individual is wholly turned to the cause of righteousness. Now, this means that an individual overcomes one sin today and another sin tomorrow. He perfects his life in one field now, and in another field later on. And the conversion process goes on until it is completed, until we become, literally, as the Book of Mormon says, saints of God instead of natural men” (Bruce R. McConkie, Be Ye Converted, Brigham Young University Speeches of the Year (Feb. 11, 1968), 12).
 
I have a very long journey before me, from who I am now toward who I want to be.  I have been taking notes at certain events, many of which are pointing me in this direction.  For example, my mom took all of the girls to "Time Out For Women," held at the Kent Concert Hall in Logan on September 16-17th.   The theme of this conference is "Choose to Become."  It was really an inspiring event, and I'd like to share them put them here for future reference.

Sarah, Rebecca, Me, Lexy, Mom & Rachael @ El Toro (during the lunch break on Saturday)

Friday 9/16/11


Pick one thing and do it well. I can develop talents I don't know I have. There's much to be done. What will I be remembered for? Am I a positive person? Do I believe in a happy ending for myself?
 
Our Father in Heaven has high expectations. Faith breeds optimism. Choose to become who you want to be. Lay hold upon every good thing. Faith is the power: pray, think and live with faith.  Matt 7:7-11. Am I given stones when I ask for bread? What if He wants to give me bread, but I'm not asking for the right thing? I have to know that it's right. My faith is small, but if I give it all, it will be enough. Do the thing you think you cannot do. (Eleanor Roosevelt). What limits have I placed on my life?. Ephesians 3:20. He thinks exceedingly, abundantly above what I can think.
 
I am where I am because of my choices. Hope is wanting what I want, and faith is wanting what God wants. It is not too late to change. See Cast Not Away Your Confidence (JRH @ BYU 1999).

I am in charge of who I want to be. Do I treasure motherhood? I have to choose what dreams I need to follow. Will simple little dreams suffice? We can choose what we do, but we can't control the consequences.

Alma: be humble, submissive, diligent, ask for what I need. Life is not a contest. Do I feel the need to compete with everybody else? Do I let the world define my dreams? It's about MY progress. It's hard to be. I need to think about my behaviors. Self-talk. "This is one of those times." "I've done that myself." Think it through ahead of time. Decide what changes I need to make, decide who I want to be before I'm in the situation.

What is jealousy? It's not a contest. We all have different strengths. What does the Lord think is important? What will really matter in the long run? "You're not in that big of a hurry." How do I want to feel? Keep my eternal purpose in mind. Tell myself that something is distressing, not dangerous. Thoughts can change what happens in my body. It's okay to let my feelings rise. The images the world creates for me isn't real. If I can remind myself of the correct vision, it will help me become who I really want to be.

Develop a "mother heart." It's the only thing I can change.  There is always something to be grateful for.

Saturday 9/17/11


Esther 4:14.  Trusting in the Lord, having patience in Him. God answers prayers; not always in the way or in the time that I want. 

I can give my life to the Lord through service. D&C 84:88. He will go before my face. D&C 54.

There is power in forgiveness. Be grateful for my life. I am where I am because Heavenly Father knew I needed my family.  Forgive others, that I may be forgiven. Don't counsel the Lord; He knows much better than I do what I need.

Hold fast to the iron rod. Helaman 5:12. 2 Nephi 4:26. Alma 7:11-12. He will take upon Him the pains, sorrows & infirmities, that He may know how to succor us. If I decide to become something, He will give me the strength to accomplish it.  Let the scriptures be my therapist.

Mercy River: Let in the sunshine. We all need saving. Everything will be okay eventually, but it's okay to hurt sometimes. It's okay to ask for help. Mercy River. Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing.


I didn't plan to be a witch.  Some ideas to find Holiness in the Havoc. Take time to be holy. Make a conscious effort to remember the Savior. Make something ordinary into a holy moment. 

Survive tribulations. Everyone has them.  

Remember who we are, what we signed up for. Figure out the one thing I want to change.

Remember who your children really are. Have as five-facet review for your children: how is each child doing physically, mentally, emotionally, socially and spiritually? Do things with other women. Powerofmoms.com, valuesparenting.com.  Take Jesus with me. I tend to compartmentalize, but the Lord knows everything that happens, whether I chose to include Him or not. It's hard to see when you're in the midst of it. Life is a series of problems. God is more interested in my character than in my comfort.


The key to becoming is learning and knowledge. It is better to pass through sorrow that we may know.  Truth and knowledge after the honey we reach for. Luke 10: story of Mary & Martha.  Martha was cumbered, careful and troubled about many things. One thing is needful; choose the better part.

Staircase of righteousness and knowledge. Abraham 1:2.  D&C 88, 50:24. The soul is like a messy room which needs tidying.  If you respond to the light, you get more light. The theme of life is becoming, not arriving.

The Compass Principle. Find truth in its' most mature form.  Plant the fixed foot in the gospel. Use the searching foot, draw a large circle and find truths.  Never compare your best to their worst. Always learn about other cultures from someone who lives it and loves it. Leave room for holy envy.  Moses on Mt. Nebo: Let it suffice thee. We will not become everything we want to become immediately.

Mercy River: God doesn't love us because we're perfect; He loves us because He is perfect. He is waiting for us to turn around and come back to Him. "I Belong to You." "Beautiful For Me"


Blaze your own trail. 
B: Bold and Brave. Story of Deborah. Satan tells me I'm not _______ enough. With God, I can do anything.
E: Eternally minded. Set my mind and my heart on the Lord. Satan wants me to be worldly. 
C: Creative.  We are meant to create. Satan wants me to compare my talents with others. 
O: Outward focus.  Emmaline Wells. Satan wants me to focus on how busy I am. Think of those whose lives I can bless.
M: Meek. Be humble. Love the Lord, love my neighbor. He will teach me how to love.
E: Enlightened.  Educate, organize, mobilize.  Follow the Spirit. He will prompt me if I'm worthy and able to hear. Standforthefamily.org.

U: Unique. My goal is to become strong. My trail will be unique. Mothers without borders. Story of Caroline Zulu. Her journey was short, but she fulfilled her unique mission.

Discover who I am to become. Do everything I can to go forth and do it.


Mercy River: Love Never Fails. Heaven is real; it is closer than we think. Heavenly Echoes.



Mosiah 5. Retain the name in my heart. God knows what is going on in my life. Difference between the whole of you and almost all of you. Acts: Paul's testimony. Almost thou persuadest me to be a Christian. I have to be fully committed. Would I walk 22 miles every week to go to the temple? Every stone of the temple preaches a sermon. Holiness means to be set apart. Is the name of the Lord chiseled upon my heart. Acts 20: Paul served the Lord with all humility, and kept back nothing. When I show Him I am altogether committed to Him, He will show me wisdom. 2 Timothy 2.  The journey is hard.  Trials can turn to testimony. The moments that require the most sacrifice become the most important. These moments are when we write the name of the Lord on our hearts. Is there someone who thinks I'm worth it?  Isaiah 49. The Lord will always remember me. I am Christ's. I am His. He will not forsake me. He has graven me on the palms of His hands. Isaiah 43: Fear not, for I am with thee. 

This is a wonderful blog post that Emily wrote.  I feel like I have been stuck "in the middle" for a long time.  It's not a bad place, though it is frustrating and difficult to be in the midst of a journey without a clear picture of the destination.  I think that's where I need to start: with the end in mind.

04 September 2011

Bring It Back Down Tonight

I have been meaning to write for a while.  Between the computer issues, going back to work, watching The Tudors (thanks, Beck) and general fatigue, I just haven't had a lot of time.  Since it is Labor Day weekend, and I don't have to be back to work until Tuesday (yay!), I decided it's time to catch up.  Allen and his friend were able to get my vacation pictures off of the hard drive, so at least I have those.  I still don't know what happened to Lappy, but she just won't turn on.  At all.  I don't get it, and it bugs me.   Even Allen and his computer genius friend took her apart and couldn't see any reason why she died.  Eventually I bit the bullet, and I did end up purchasing a new laptop.  It's nice, and I felt like I got a good deal on it, but I'm annoyed that I had to shell out $500 for a replacement for a computer that was only 3-years-old.  Gah.

I do want to document our vacation; I won't do it all tonight, since it's getting late and I'm distracted by watching "Fever Pitch" (great movie--I LOVE Jimmy Fallon).  I'll start with Sunday, August 8th.  It was the day my little nephew Zeke was blessed at Dave & Lexy's ward in Layton.


Not a great picture; I don't love how I set it up (yes, I am to blame for the funky arrangement), but we got everybody in it.

We left right after this picture was taken; we had to go back to SLC and pack up the car.  We also needed to finish cleaning up, since our landlord was supposed to come in and replace some drywall in my bathroom while we were gone.  They never did, but at least we came home to a pretty clean house.  Anyway, we ended up leaving about 3pm.  This is what the boy looked like for most of the trip:


Drinking from the sippy, squished in the back seat with all the rest of our stuff, etc.  We are pretty lucky that he's such a good traveler--no major tantrums, lots of naps, no huge blowouts, and we don't have a dvd player, either.  He's just a chill kid; busy, but very good at entertaining himself.  Even with his cousins, who enjoy dumping water on him, tackling him, etc., he just takes it.  I wish he'd fight back sometimes, but I'm glad he's so easy-going.

We didn't have any problems driving, except that we got a late start.  We arrived in Las Vegas around 10pm, and we stayed at the South Point Hotel and Casino.  I had never heard of it; I got all of our hotels on Priceline, so I didn't have a lot of choice in where we stayed.  I was more interested in the 4-star rating than in the family-friendliness, so I was a little uncomfortable with dragging little man through the casino floor.  Oh well.  The room was nice, and Benji did pretty well sleeping in his little tent, but I don't think we'll go back.  We were starving when we got there, and the only food place open offered pretty crappy burgers, soggy fries and tasteless milkshakes.  Lame.


That was Sunday.  We woke up fairly early on Monday, checked out and then drove to Rancho Cucamonga to visit Steve & Mary.

I can't write anymore now; I'm totally falling asleep.  More later. :o)