Nothing Changes on New Year's Day

I cannot believe how quickly last year went.  I look at my Benji and realize how much he has grown, how his little face has matured, and I just wonder at the time flying by.

I started my blog four years ago, just before he was born, and while it's certainly not a complete record of the happenings in our family (uh, like Christmas!?), it's the closest thing I have.  It's also my {public} journal, so I do write a lot about myself.  It helps me communicate and clarify and congeal my thoughts.  There's a lot I want to say, and even if nobody reads it, at least it is there for me.  This is my blog; I don't really write for anybody else, though I do like to share pictures and events with my family and friends.  Maybe Benjamin will appreciate it one day.  Maybe not.  We shall see.

So last year's resolutions were a total failure.  Unlike my cute cousin Sharon, I have not kept track of percentages or anything of the like.  I can tell you that I did not accomplish anything on my list.  I did try, but I gave up on most of them partway through the year.  I understand the necessity of goal-setting and making your goals S.M.A.R.T. (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timely).  But knowing myself, I can tell you right now that I'm not going to be able to do it that way.  I need to create baby-step goals: I am so busy trying to keep everything else afloat that I can't make a list and check things off as they are achieved.  That's discouraging to me, and I just give up, because I don't think I'm worth putting the time and effort into whatever goal I may be working on.

Honestly, that's how it has been with my weight.  I have always struggled with it, and I know what I need to do (there's no substitute for diet and exercise), but I have never felt that working on me is something worthwhile.  Why put so much work into something I don't love?  I am fiercely dedicated to the people and ideas and things I do love, but I don't love myself.  I never have.  In fact, I actively hate most of my body (the things I can control) most of the time.  I'm not writing this because I want your sympathy; I am writing to help you understand where I'm coming from, and how I got to where I am.

I know I am expressly disobeying a commandment of Jesus Christ, who said: "Thou shalt ^blove thy ^cneighbour as thyself" (Matthew 19:19).  I have always found it easier to love other people.  This part of myself I can trace back to a single point in time: it had been building up for a while, but when I heard this song, it crystallized for me.  It was at one of my first real concerts--I went to see Sarah McLachlan (by myself) at the E Center in November 1997.  I don't remember who her opening act was, but this gal sang a Jim Croce song entitled "Nobody Loves a Fat Girl."  The lyrics say, "Nobody loves a fat girl, But oh how a fat girl can love."  Those two lines have lived in my head ever since.  I have always tried to love and respect others, all the while knowing that no one would ever love me.  That's one reason why I got married so quickly (3 months from first date to wedding): I didn't think anybody else would ever want to marry me.

Yes, I see the fallacies in that thinking.  I know my family loves me, I know my Savior loves me, and I think my husband loves me (though I'm not sure my heart will ever really believe it).  I have friends who support me and who are happy to hear from me, but none of it's really real.  I can love, but I don't feel loved.  Maybe I did as a child, but as an adult I never have, and I never expect to.  That's just something I live with, and it's normal to me to be "dead inside."  I can, however, be happy spending time with the people I love.  One does not exclude the other, though I admit they do influence each other at times.

I probably shouldn't publish this, especially with my blog not being private anymore.  I should let it be a permanent draft, like some other intensely personal entries.  This started out as an entry about New Year's Resolutions, and it turned into a confessional.  Well, I guess I will, with a small hope that no one will read it, and those who do won't make a big deal about it.

As far as goals go, I am going to lose weight this year.  I never expect to be thin, and I'm sure I'll never be beautiful, but it is time to put some work into me.  I physically can't keep up with my boy, so that is my main goal: to become healthier for him.  He deserves a mother who can play with him, teach him by example and be good to him.  I will try to do that, at least.

Times on Lincoln Avenue

Hello, friends.  It has been a while, because I have been SO BUSY.  Christmas was an absolute whirlwind, and I can't believe this year is almost over.   I'll try to post some pictures of the events, but just so you know--it may not happen.  Life is flying by, with hardly a chance to breathe, let alone write anything meaningful about what is happening.

Some of you may be wondering why I changed my blog address.  Well, I have been considering it for some time.  I kind-of like the anonymity of a random street name, versus "Mary's Magical Mellifluous Musings" (plus, it's easier to remember).  Several months ago, I even found a Lincoln Avenue (in Ogden) and took a picture of it to become my blog header, but I don't know where it is now.  You'll see it eventually.  Currently, my blog is public, and I'm not entirely comfortable with that.  I'll let you know if I decide to make it private again, in which case my two readers will receive an invitation.  Until then, enjoy reading about my making a fool out of myself in front of the entire world.

Another reason for the name change: since most of my blog references music in some way (all of my blog entries and subtitles are lines from songs, etc.), I thought the blog name should reflect that as well.  Lincoln Avenue is one of my favorite songs from Train, from the "My Private Nation" (one of my all-time favorite albums).  So much of the song just fits me, my work (how many songs have the word "operations" in them?), how I feel about certain people, and where my life is right now.  Okay, not just right now, but for several years, actually.  This does feel like the place between being ready and being in the way.


Here's a random YouTube video with the song and mostly correct lyrics.  Enjoy.


Lyrics | TRAIN - LINCOLN AVENUE LYRICS

Well I guess this is where I left my life
And all its operations
And I know that I will never get this twice
With all negotiations

This feels like the place between what is and might have been
So I guess this is where we both find out
If this was meant to be

And I'll tell myself, I don't need you
I'll tell myself enough to get me through
But I'll finally show you how I should have been being with you every day
If you can take a little more

Now it takes me back to times on Lincoln Avenue
When you said you'd never get tired of the boy
That seemed to be so far from growing up
But we were different then

This feels like the place between being ready and being in the way

And I'll tell myself, I don't need you
I'll tell myself enough to get me through
But I'll finally show you how I should have been being with you every day
If you can wait a little more

This feels like the time that I'm ready for you
Are you ready for me

'Cause I'll tell myself I'll make it through
I'll tell myself anything to get over you
And I won't blame you but I'm finally ready to show you
That I'm ready to show you, I'm ready to show you, yeah
I'll tell myself that I never needed anybody anyway, but anyway
I need you

I need you now
I need you now
I'm ready now

So that's it.  Now you have another piece to the puzzle.  More to come, mes amis.

Sometimes It's Easy To Be Myself

I have had a jumble of emotions lately, for a lot of reasons.  I'm really sad about leaving Riverton, but I am ready to start back at IMC.  I floated there on Thursday, and most people I talked to were excited that I'm coming back.  It's nice to feel wanted, even if it's not necessarily what you want.  They actually wanted me to come back on Friday, but it was my last day at Riverton, so I said no.  Friday was nice; I got to work with Dr. Larson, whom I love--he's seriously one of my favorite surgeons ever.  I look unbelievably bad in this picture, but that shows you how much I adore him.

He's actually moving to Iowa next year, to head up their pediatric ophthalmology program at the University of Iowa.  His leaving (and Allison's, too) were factors that made it okay for me to leave too.  It's sad, but true.  Plus, he served his mission in Paris, so I franglais with him quite often.  One time, we were doing a cataract surgery, and randomly he looked up at me and said, "They think I do not know a buttload of crap about the Gospel, but I do!"  (A quote from Nacho Libre.)  We would quote a lot of movies during surgery, and on Friday he said I could sing as much as I wanted (and we'd dedicate it to Chad Wallis).  Plus, he's so nice--very patient and easy-going.  I'll miss him a lot.

This is a much better picture of me and my girls.  Not all of them, since Sara, Brittany and Bethany (a.k.a. "Breathany") weren't there, but I love these ladies.  I'll miss them, too.  They are really good friends, and it has been a privilege to work with them.

Melanie, Me, Marisa (and Savanna), Shelly and Kristine.

So anyway, I am okay.  I know I struggle (a lot).  I stay up too late and I focus on myself and what's wrong.  I have a lot of things I need to change.  The list keeps getting longer, and it only adds to the depression, so when I start writing about it, it brings it all to the forefront.  I don't need to air all my dirty laundry here, and I'm pretty sure that the two people who do peruse my blog would rather read the happy stuff.  I'll try to spend more time on that; it's what I'd rather remember, anyway.

Speaking of, here are some pictures from NFHP 2011 (Nolan Family Halloween Party).  It was a good time.

Somehow I'm Neither Here Nor There

Anyone who knows me knows that I have a lot of random things in my brain; especially song lyrics.  For some strange reason, I can remember the lyrics of hundreds (if not thousands) of songs, yet I can be six steps away from my car and not remember if I locked it or not.  Yeah.  So anyway, I have known this song, "Runaway Train" by Soul Asylum, for well over 15 years.  It was released in 1993, and won a Grammy for Best Rock Song in 1994.

So this is a song about missing children, right?  Yes and no.  Today this song came on the radio while I was driving home from a doctor's appointment and I actually listened to the lyrics I have been singing for so many years.  Here are some thoughts on what I heard.

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a blowtorch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
Promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep

I promise myself (and others) a lot of things that just don't happen.  I can't blame anyone else for it, either.  It's what I have done with my life.

It seems no one can help me now
I'm in too deep there's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

I have led myself astray.  I know the path I should be taking, and yet I wander.  Willingly.

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

I work hard; I should be getting somewhere.  But I'm wandering, and I'm stuck all at the same time.  I go to church, I try to be a good person, but I'm neither here nor there.

Can you help me remember how to smile?
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded?
Life's mystery seems so faded

To quote from another song: "I knew much more then than I do now."  Ten years ago, I certainly didn't see my life going where it has.  I didn't want to be jaded or bitter.  I wanted to have a meaningful, spiritual life.  That was the ticket.

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just a-drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

And everything seems cut and dried
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it

Is everything black and white?  I seem to be spending a lot of time in a grey area known as "justification."

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughing at the rain
A little out of touch, a little insane
It's just easier than dealing with the pain

It is easier to be crazy than to face the pain of what you have lost, of what you have given up.  Sometimes I'd like to be really crazy, then I could justify taking that train and running away from my problems.  Unfortunately (?), I am quite logical and not very brave. 

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Runaway train, never coming back
Runaway train, tearing up the track
Runaway train, burning in my veins
I run away but it always seems the same

I do run away from some things.  I admit it.  I'm afraid to open my heart, because the hurt is real, and sometimes it's the only thing I can truly call my own.  I have to be so many things: mother, wife, housekeeper, cook, employee, sister, teacher, student, consumer, provider, leader, follower, etc.  I get lost in all I have to do.  Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in the rain, and no one will even notice if I disappear.  What's the point in trying if what I do doesn't matter?

This isn't a plea for help or recognition.  I'm not brave enough to actually do anything drastic, and I couldn't bear to hurt my family that way.  It's just my trying to express how insignificant I feel, and of the thoughts I struggle with every day.  All of this is especially poignant because of my imminent departure from a wonderful job in exchange one that will be more demanding in nearly every way.  

Seems like I should be getting somewhere.

Everybody's Changing

I have worked for Intermountain Healthcare (commonly referred to as IHC) for nearly 10 years.  It is a good, stable, non-profit company.  There are things I like, and things I don't like about it, but overall, they have been pretty good to me.

Every Autumn, the muckity-mucks send out a Gallup survey, to see how "engaged" their employees are.  I think it's out of a scale of 1-5, with 5 being the 'super-excited, I LOVE my job and can't wait to go to work' end of the spectrum.  I think we consistently meet around 4--pretty good.  At Primary Children's Riverton (where I work), our score is closer to 4.5.  Everyone who works there loves it; me included.  This is definitely the best job I have ever had.

Unfortunately, real life comes in to bite you on the you-know-what, and when opportunities present themselves, you need to take them.  Ever since I transferred to Primary Childrens from Intermountain Medical Center (both within the IHC system), I have been 'floating,' i.e., working at places other than my home facility.  This has been to keep my hours.  At PC-Riv, we don't have enough cases to consistently allow every one to get their full allotment of hours (40/week in my case).  Some days are busy, with surgeries going past 4pm.  Many days are pitiful, with only one or two cases total, finished by 10am.  Most days have a few cases, and it is rare that we work past 1pm.  If you aren't concerned about your PTO balance, or if you can take that time unpaid, it's perfect.  Most of us aren't in that situation, so we are scrambling to find work.

About a month ago, I found out that my friend (and fellow scrub tech at IMC) Shaunette was moving to Texas.  That would mean that there would be a vacancy, and the thought just kept nagging me.  I routinely float to IMC 3-4 times per month; I also go to the 'big house' (the main OR at Primary Children's) at least once per week, and occasionally to Riverton Hospital (the adult side; I work in the outpatient pediatric side).  There are a lot of reasons why going back to IMC would be a good thing.  I feel like I should write them down, so you can see my reasoning.

1) Money.  At PC-Riv, I am not guaranteed a full paycheck, and the only times I get my full hours is when I float.  The likelihood of being called off at IMC is much lower.  The possibility is still there, but if you want to work, you usually can.

2) Position.  I had my annual review last month, and while everything was fine, I was going to lose my OR Tech II status.  At PC-Riv, there just isn't enough variety of cases for me to keep my skills up.  I love the small, easy cases we do on healthy kids, but the only times I get to do cool surgeries is when I float to IMC.  Even when I float uptown (PCMC), they put me in the easiest rooms, because they don't know what I can do.  That is partially my fault, because I went to PC-Riverton full-time as soon as I was done orienting.  I did get to do a mandibular distraction last week, which was really interesting, but the only reason I got to do that was because they assigned it to my friend Bethany (a co-worker at PC-Riv), before the assignments were changed.  When we figured out the mix-up, they were worried about me being able to do it.  Yeah, I struggled a little, but it turned out fine.  To make a long story short, if I'm going to work at Primary Children's, I want to work at PC-Riverton.  And as long as I'm at PC-Riv, I won't be scrubbing the level of cases I need to be at a Tech II level.  During my review, it was decided that I would go back to a Tech I level and they would freeze my pay, i.e., I won't get a raise until the Tech I wage reaches what I make.  And that could be several years.  At IMC, I could easily keep my Tech II status.

3) Location.  I don't love our apartment, but we live less than two miles away from IMC.  Actually, I drive past it every day, on my way to Riverton.  With gas prices being so high, and spending so much money just to fill up the tank every week, it has really been burdensome.

So, with all that in mind, I put in my application.  I e-mailed my boss that day and explained all of the above, stating that my main reason for doing it was money; I don't feel like I have anything to hide, so I wanted full-disclosure.  I ended up having my interview at IMC on a day when I was floating there: essentially, I was working at the job I was applying for.  The interview went pretty well, and I told them all of the same things.  I may have emphasized the 'opportunities for growth' more than the money factor, but both are absolutely true.  I even told them that I would have been happy not getting the job, because that would mean I would stay at PC-Riv, but I felt like it was time to move on.

Well, later that week I was floating to PCMC (do you get the picture?  It seems like I hardly ever work at my home base, anyway), and I was in an ENT room with Dr. Grimmer.  I work with him all the time at PC-Riv, but he does his more complicated cases uptown.  The day was fine, until we had to do a laryngoscopy with laser for venous malformations on a young girl.  I just don't do those often enough to be comfortable with them, so I struggled.  I had Sue, the ENT team leader in the room with me, and even she set it up wrong.  I did my best, and Dr. Grimmer was pretty calm about it in actuality, but he was frustrated that nobody seemed to know what they were doing.  I was really stressed, because of how delicate the situation was.  Luckily, everything went well, and my lunch relief came right as we were finishing.  So I went into the bathroom and cried.  That's one BIG reason why I went to Riverton--it's a lot more fun to work with healthy kids.  Working with the sicker ones is much more difficult than I thought it would be.  Anyway, while I was on my lunch break, Human Resources called to offer me the job at IMC.  I said yes.  He told me that they would transfer me over as an OR Tech II (so I'll probably get a raise next year!), and we decided on a start date of November 13.

I hadn't told many people about it, because it's so hard to leave a place you love.  I had been talking about it with my friend Allison, one of my favorite nurses I have ever worked with.  (FYI, on the aforementioned Gallup survey, when they asked if I had a best friend at work, I immediately thought of her.)  She went through something similar, where the people uptown were pressuring her to apply for the ENT Team Leader position, since Sue was stepping down.  Taking it would mean that she couldn't go to PC-Riv anymore, and it was a really hard decision for her; I knew she felt the same way I did.  Unfortunately, it all boils down to the same old thing: money.  They made her an offer she couldn't refuse, so she ended up taking that position.  Admittedly, her taking it was a kind of license for me to move on as well.  I feel calm about it.  It's the right thing to do, even if it hurts. 

I was trying to keep it quiet, since I didn't want my leaving to be a big deal.  Word got out last week, though, so pretty much everybody knows what's happening.  It really is depressing, but I have to make the most of the time I am away from Ben. 

Like Allison said, we are growing up.  We have to make the hard decisions and do what is best for our families.  She and I have very similar music tastes (and she loves U2 almost as much as I do!), and one day while we were cleaning our OR at the end of the day,  "Everybody's Changing" by Keane came on the Pandora.  We both said, "I love this song!"  So it kind-of became our song.

      So little time

      Try to understand that I'm

      Trying to make a move just to stay in the game

      I try to stay awake and remember my name

      But everybody's changing

      And I don't feel the same.

There seems to be lots of reasons to cry these days.  Sometimes I wish I weren't such a logical person.