I'm in a rotten mood. I should be writing my talk for church tomorrow, but my brain is not in a place where I can have the Spirit with me. I need to get all the crap out to have room for the happy stuff, and this is where I've decided to download the bad. Feel free to skip this entry; it's probably not good for consumption. Garlic-in-your-soul, sea-sick crocodile, don't-touch-it-with-a-39-and-a-half-foot-pole kind of stuff.
I have depression. I hate to admit it, and I hate when it gets to me. There are a lot of reasons for me to be happy, and yet they can't take root because of all the guilt and resentment and pain that eats me up inside. Here's why I'm such a grinch today.
1) I have to speak in church tomorrow. I have been thinking about what I want to say all week, but I haven't written anything down yet. I have less than 11 hours to do so, and I'm blogging instead. So what do I hear in the back of my head? Procrastinator. Pathetic.
2) I have been fighting a cold and running on a sleep-deficit all week. My average bed time this week has been about 3am. I feel crappy during the day, and/or I have to work, so the only time I feel well enough to get stuff done is late at night. Stupid. No self-control.
3) I REALLY wanted to go to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas Concert this year. Tickets are free, but they draw from a lottery as to who gets them. I have signed up every year for at least the past 5 years, and I have yet to receive any tickets. But what do I see on Facebook? "I went, and it was so wonderful!" "Look where I am! Lucky me!" My sister Sarah got to go (even though she really didn't care about it) because her friend got tickets. My sister Rebeccca doesn't want to go tomorrow morning, because she'd have to get up so early. My Mom will go, though she's not happy about driving all the way to Salt Lake tomorrow. They didn't offer me an invitation, but I couldn't go anyway because I have to speak in Sacrament Meeting. Becca told me to 'call in sick,' but I can't do that. I accepted the invitation, so it's my responsibility to deliver. Poor me. Bad attitude. Unlucky.
4) Usually, I can put up with Allen's crap. When I'm already in a mood, the things he does just grate on me. He claimed that his only responsibility today was to keep Benji out of my hair so I could write my talk. We were in Logan for the NFCP, and he spent practically the entire day playing on his Nook. I took Benji and Rachael with me to Hobby Lobby, and Allen was supposed to keep an eye on Lily and Tessa. "But I need to take a shower." He kept reminding me that I needed to write my talk, but it is nearly impossible for me to concentrate when I'm in Logan. We helped my mom make food baskets to take to people in her ward, and when it was suggested that Allen do something other than sit on his ass, he said "How did I get roped into this?" I took a short nap, and when I came downstairs, my siblings were helping their children decorate gingerbread houses. Allen was still sitting on the couch, not even trying to help Benji participate. Allen didn't even consider taking Benji to the movie with everyone else. We both ended up staying at the house, and though Allen was supposed to be watching Benji, I found the boy having thrown everything (including ornaments and a poinsettia) off of mom's entry table and spinning a knife. Stellar job, honey. Just spectacular. And when asked to do something else, he said, "I'm in pack-mule mode," i.e., he was putting stuff in the car, and couldn't possibly help out someone else for a few minutes. I'm pissed that I agreed to spend eternity with this guy. Short-sighted. Miserable.
5) I love hanging out with my siblings. It's honestly one of my favorite things. Over dinner, we were talking about Thanksgiving (which Dave & Lexy spent in Chile), and they started talking (facetiously) about how their children are "perfect." I know these kids, and I know how each of them has certain things they struggle with, but compared to Benji, in my twisted mind, they are perfect. They are smart. They are normal. They don't have "Special Needs." So again, I start feeling guilty about having an autistic child, recalling all the things that make me a terrible mother, and feeling jealous about all the things I am missing that other parents take for granted every day. Sad. Rueful. Resentful.
6) I'm so sad about the school shootings in Connecticut. I can't believe how heartless one young man can be, and how sensational and political the media has made this incredibly sad event. I'm grateful my boy is safe, and I'm glad he doesn't understand, but I still wish I could talk with him about it. I wish he could understand how much I love him, even though I'm incredibly frustrated with him much of the time. Horrified. Unappreciative.
Can you see why I'm not in a very good place to write something spiritual? I feel slightly better having gotten it all out, and I know I just need to do it. I'm a bad banana with a greasy black peel.
15 December 2012
08 November 2012
I Don't Know Which Side I'm On
Quotes from my Facebook wall after the declaration of Barack Obama as the re-elected president:
- Sherri Butler: Yay!
- Melissa Boren: Ok so canada, mexico, or australia......... mark my words america by the end of this term ur gunna be kicking urselves in the ass!!!!! Women ur still not going to have everything u want, gays we still arent gunna be able to get married In all states, health care is gunna suck ass, and our debt will be higher than ever! That is all I'm done tomorrow is just another day
- Emily McWidener: Putin will be stoked that Obama has more flexibility now.
- George Takei: Overheard: "And America proves once again, once you go black..." Oh Myyy...
- Mary Woolf Christensen: I'm so sick right now!!
- Elizabeth Dunn: Oh thank you Fate!
- Des Burke: Yeah!!!!
- Camie Shunn Harper: Depressing!
- Aaron Williams: I'm hearing rumors that we can expect an official announcement from the LDS church that we will be allowed to "drink this one off." Can anyone confirm?
I find myself on both sides of the political spectrum; I don't think it's wise to be all one way or the other, and neither side is better than the other. I also think that both the Democratic and Republican parties are corrupt. Honestly, I don't trust anyone in the Federal government; I think they all have hidden agendas and are in bed with lobbyists and are out of touch with reality. I cannot, in good conscience, affiliate myself with any political party. I have plenty of friends, many of whom are very intelligent and educated people, who are very Democratic. I respect them, and their opinions. They encourage me to question what I believe politically, which I think is a good thing. That being said, I do tend to lean slightly to the right. My ballot consists of more Republicans than Democrats, but I try to consider each individual and his or her qualifications, and I try to vote accordingly. I will admit to listening to unfortunate amounts of talk radio lately. I'll blame it on the move, since significant amount of time was spent cleaning the old apartment with the radio on, and since I had to drive Allen's car several times. Anyway, what they (Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, etc.) said made sense to me. They were so positive about Romney winning the presidential election, and so very negative about the future of President Obama's "regime." I voted for Mitt Romney, and he lost. I was scrubbed in a procurement for most of the evening, so when I found out, it was pretty depressing Well . . . after having been in a pretty dark mood for the past couple of days (and realizing that yes, I do still need to take my antidepressants), I'm starting to get over it. I'm not entirely sure the voting machines weren't tampered with, I hate the electoral college, and I do think Obama makes a better rockstar than a president. I am afraid for our country. I don't think the future is bright, and I'm astounded that more people didn't see through the president's façade. We saw some of his true colors during the debates and on the campaign trail, when he came across as arrogant and malicious. Oh, he can turn on the charm and be likable when he wants to. He can be very inspiring when he's reading from a teleprompter. But I don't believe he has America's best interests at heart.
I want to like President Obama. I want to think that America will be in better shape come 2016, but I just can't believe it. I also think that the truth behind the Bengazi attacks will change this presidency significantly. Can I go back to ignoring Washington? I truly thought that a Romney presidency would change things for the better, with him balancing the budget and bringing back the economy and fighting for a stronger United States. I think the economy is headed for a serious depression, and no "government bailout" will stave it off. And if the U.S. economy tanks, the world's economy will tank, and then things will get really ugly.
My outlook is not bright. I only see myself working harder, bringing home less, and trying to be self-sufficient when it's getting more and more difficult to pay the bills. And then I remember how little I see Benji already, how much of his childhood I am missing just trying to be a contributing member of society and to earn enough money to keep this family afloat. It sucks. I need to get over it and move on, if not for Benji then for the sake of my own sanity. In any case, I'm glad the election is over. The endless arguing and one-upping and finger-pointing drives me batty.
"I don't know, I don't know which side I'm on.
I don't know my right from left or my right from wrong."
--U2
06 November 2012
The Old Apartment
I have had a lot on my mind lately, but not a lot of time to write about it. I menltioned it earlier, but that's about as far as I got. Well . . . we have moved. It was an ordeal. The whole month of October pretty much sucked. A lot of people told me they would rather move across country than across town. I understand why. Our apartment was so small that we kind-of had to take it a load at a time, just to have someplace to put the stuff. I can't tell you how many times I drove back and forth. My car is still not back to normal.
{By the way . . . I'm watching "Night At The Roxbury" right now, and it's so funny I'm having a hard time concentrating long enough to write something! "Steve, don't hit on the bridesmaid. It's your wedding!" I need some Fluffi Whip!}
We are mostly moved in now. It's down to unpacking and organizing, which isn't very easy. There's definitely more room here at the house, but we need furniture and shelving. We ended up tossing most of the furniture, because it was old, in VERY rough shape, and some of it was even moldy (thanks to the awesome swamp cooler). So, as of now, our seating options consist of a rocking chair. Yeah. It's less than convenient; especially with nothing in the kitchen. I did go to the D.I. today (we have made plenty of trips there as well; I got rid of at least 20% of my wardrobe, and I still have too many clothes!) and I bought a chaise lounge for $20. It's in decent shape, but pretty dirty. Good thing we have a steam cleaner, eh? We also need to get the couches from Logan; I don't know how or when that is going to happen. Renting a truck will cost at least $100, and now Allen tells me that our former landlord is charging us $1200 to replace the carpet in the apartment. I'm so pissed about that! We have got to find that contract; it is lost somewhere in the paper shuffle of the move. I tried so hard to get organized before we left. It's just an ongoing process, but seriously--isn't that what a deposit is for? Isn't carpet replacement par-for-the-course when you own apartments? It's unbelievable that he wants to charge us $1200 on top of our $400 deposit (which we obviously won't get back). AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!
So most of October was spent moving. It wasn't pretty, and it REALLY wasn't very fun. We had a little bit of help from ward members and from Allen's friend Aaron, but we did most of it ourselves. Honestly, I never want to move again. Sure, someday I'd like a bigger house (preferably one with a master bath), but it was horrible. I'm glad it's done. I actually like organizing and putting things back together; I just wish I had more money to purchase shelves and blinds and such. Why does it all come back to money? Gah.
Even Halloween sucked. I woke up at 3:30a.m. (just as Allen was leaving to go to work) to the sweet sound of Benji projectile vomiting. I knew he couldn't go to school, and I also knew that I had to get a lot done, and I was scheduled for a 12-hour shift. So I ended up calling in sick, and we spent the entire day at the apartment cleaning. One good thing about having a child who doesn't voice an opinion on what we do is that he doesn't voice an opinion on what we do. He didn't care that he didn't go trick-or-treating. He didn't care that all we ate that day was pizza from Costco. Yes, I felt like I had flunked-out of Motherhood 101 because I had to do so much cleaning at the old apartment, I didn't dress Benji up or take him trick-or-treating, and I put off so much until the very last day of the month. But . . . Benji didn't care. Sometimes Autism can work to your advantage. Most of the time it sucks, and it leaves me depressed and frustrated, but sometimes it can be helpful.
There are a lot of things I'd like to write about, but I need to go to bed. Benji has to be on the bus at 7:05a.m., and I have to work tomorrow. I'd also like to get the curtains up in the living room, clean out my car, and pick up the chaise before I go to work at 11. I'm glad I voted early, because there's no way I could do that tomorrow, too. Can I just say how glad I am the election will be over tomorrow? I hate the landscape (and airwaves) littered with political paraphernalia. All the arguing about who is right and who is better and who did what angers me and wears me out mentally. It's too much. I have been listening to more talk radio lately, which I usually try to avoid. I do think the whole Bengazi cover-up will turn into something big, and I'm angry that the administration has kept it mostly under wraps because of the election. There is so much lying and bitterness and, while I'm glad people are getting worked up about the election, I'm afraid they are getting worked up over the wrong things. For me, it's all about the economy. That's what affects me every day. Even the prices of stuff at the D.I. (the thrift store) seem to have gone up. I can't believe I paid $3 for a used muffin tin! The chaise was a pretty good deal, but they wanted $25 for shelves that you can buy new for $30. I voted for Romney because I think he has a better way to get the economy back on-track. Obama has had four years to try, and I don't think my family (or this country) can afford four more years of his policies. I am blessed to have a full-time job, I am blessed to have a working car, I am incredibly grateful that Benji has a scholarship to Pingree, and I am very lucky to be in a house now. It's how we can afford everything else that worries me. Money. Ugh. I would like it better if I had more of it, I'm sure.
{By the way . . . I'm watching "Night At The Roxbury" right now, and it's so funny I'm having a hard time concentrating long enough to write something! "Steve, don't hit on the bridesmaid. It's your wedding!" I need some Fluffi Whip!}
We are mostly moved in now. It's down to unpacking and organizing, which isn't very easy. There's definitely more room here at the house, but we need furniture and shelving. We ended up tossing most of the furniture, because it was old, in VERY rough shape, and some of it was even moldy (thanks to the awesome swamp cooler). So, as of now, our seating options consist of a rocking chair. Yeah. It's less than convenient; especially with nothing in the kitchen. I did go to the D.I. today (we have made plenty of trips there as well; I got rid of at least 20% of my wardrobe, and I still have too many clothes!) and I bought a chaise lounge for $20. It's in decent shape, but pretty dirty. Good thing we have a steam cleaner, eh? We also need to get the couches from Logan; I don't know how or when that is going to happen. Renting a truck will cost at least $100, and now Allen tells me that our former landlord is charging us $1200 to replace the carpet in the apartment. I'm so pissed about that! We have got to find that contract; it is lost somewhere in the paper shuffle of the move. I tried so hard to get organized before we left. It's just an ongoing process, but seriously--isn't that what a deposit is for? Isn't carpet replacement par-for-the-course when you own apartments? It's unbelievable that he wants to charge us $1200 on top of our $400 deposit (which we obviously won't get back). AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!
So most of October was spent moving. It wasn't pretty, and it REALLY wasn't very fun. We had a little bit of help from ward members and from Allen's friend Aaron, but we did most of it ourselves. Honestly, I never want to move again. Sure, someday I'd like a bigger house (preferably one with a master bath), but it was horrible. I'm glad it's done. I actually like organizing and putting things back together; I just wish I had more money to purchase shelves and blinds and such. Why does it all come back to money? Gah.
Even Halloween sucked. I woke up at 3:30a.m. (just as Allen was leaving to go to work) to the sweet sound of Benji projectile vomiting. I knew he couldn't go to school, and I also knew that I had to get a lot done, and I was scheduled for a 12-hour shift. So I ended up calling in sick, and we spent the entire day at the apartment cleaning. One good thing about having a child who doesn't voice an opinion on what we do is that he doesn't voice an opinion on what we do. He didn't care that he didn't go trick-or-treating. He didn't care that all we ate that day was pizza from Costco. Yes, I felt like I had flunked-out of Motherhood 101 because I had to do so much cleaning at the old apartment, I didn't dress Benji up or take him trick-or-treating, and I put off so much until the very last day of the month. But . . . Benji didn't care. Sometimes Autism can work to your advantage. Most of the time it sucks, and it leaves me depressed and frustrated, but sometimes it can be helpful.
There are a lot of things I'd like to write about, but I need to go to bed. Benji has to be on the bus at 7:05a.m., and I have to work tomorrow. I'd also like to get the curtains up in the living room, clean out my car, and pick up the chaise before I go to work at 11. I'm glad I voted early, because there's no way I could do that tomorrow, too. Can I just say how glad I am the election will be over tomorrow? I hate the landscape (and airwaves) littered with political paraphernalia. All the arguing about who is right and who is better and who did what angers me and wears me out mentally. It's too much. I have been listening to more talk radio lately, which I usually try to avoid. I do think the whole Bengazi cover-up will turn into something big, and I'm angry that the administration has kept it mostly under wraps because of the election. There is so much lying and bitterness and, while I'm glad people are getting worked up about the election, I'm afraid they are getting worked up over the wrong things. For me, it's all about the economy. That's what affects me every day. Even the prices of stuff at the D.I. (the thrift store) seem to have gone up. I can't believe I paid $3 for a used muffin tin! The chaise was a pretty good deal, but they wanted $25 for shelves that you can buy new for $30. I voted for Romney because I think he has a better way to get the economy back on-track. Obama has had four years to try, and I don't think my family (or this country) can afford four more years of his policies. I am blessed to have a full-time job, I am blessed to have a working car, I am incredibly grateful that Benji has a scholarship to Pingree, and I am very lucky to be in a house now. It's how we can afford everything else that worries me. Money. Ugh. I would like it better if I had more of it, I'm sure.
04 October 2012
I'm So Tired of Trying
**Caution: this post is going to be negative. If you don't want to read it, that's fine. You were warned.
Let's start with yesterday. It was a lovely day--beautiful weather (in the 80's), I got to spend the morning playing tourist with my dear friend and former Zone Leader Sam Aubin, who is visiting from Germany. I learned several new things about Temple Square, we went to lunch @ The Pie near the U, and I felt like I looked pretty nice (makeup, clothing, etc.--I was actually put-together). I went up to Benji's school afterward and had a little chat with his teachers. He is doing very well; he understands more than I give him credit for, and they don't let him get away with things like we do. I need to work on that, and I need to make a communication book. There are supposed to be some cool tools like that on iPads, which he would love, but which we definitely cannot afford right now. :o(
So I was feeling pretty good when we left school. I decided to take Benji to a park to let him play for a little while. I took him to the potty before we did anything. He went #1, then he played on the structure, and although I was a little sleepy, I thought I was keeping a fairly good eye on him. That was, until I heard some kid say, "It smells like poo." Having heard that, I got up and went for a closer look. Yep--he was finger painting. I took him back to the car, stripped him down and wiped him off the best I could, then put a towel on the carseat and strapped him in. Then I had to take some wipes back to the playground to clean up his mess. Thankfully there wasn't too much, but I was seriously annoyed.
I took him home and put him in the shower. Later that afternoon, he had a meltdown--inconsolable crying and kicking and thrashing, which is one thing with a two-year-old, but is something else when you have a 55+ pound, very strong four-year-old hitting you. This went on for about 20 minutes, making me wonder if he was in pain, because he can't tell us what's going on. Then he stopped, and he was fine. I don't get it. I hope you parents out there can appreciate your child being able to tell you why he or she is crying, BECAUSE IT SUCKS WHEN HE CAN'T. You feel totally helpless.
Then, Allen told me that the loan for the house has gone through and they are signing the papers THIS Thursday instead of next Thursday. I said, "But I have to work," and he said, "You don't have to be there." Okay . . . I understand that my name is not on the loan, but I thought it was going to be on the house. Am I wrong to be pissed about this? Buying a house is kind-of a big deal, and I would like to be there. Apparently, Allen doesn't think it's important that I am. And to me, that's just more proof that he doesn't care. This house would be the ONLY thing he has done (on his own) to take care of Benji and me if anything should happen to him. He doesn't have life insurance, he doesn't have a 401K, he doesn't have a will. I, on the other hand, do have life (and health) insurance on him, on me, and on Benji. I shell out for it every paycheck. I have a 401K. There's not a ton of money there, but enough to get him by for a few months, at least. I am trying to prepare for the future financially, and I personally paid $1,000 in earnest money as part of our down payment (my dad helped with the rest--he is such a wonderful man). But I don't have to be there. Yeah.
Oh--and back to last Saturday. He got up at 4:30am to go hunting with his friend Aaron. Last week was incredibly busy for me, and I had to volunteer @ the Hilltop sale on Saturday morning, so Benji had to go to the Lake's house. Whatever--they are great with Benji, and he likes going there. Allen got back in time for me to go the the Relief Society General Meeting with Lexy and Desi, but as soon as I got home, Allen went to bed (leaving the house a disaster, as usual). So I got to put Benji to bed, then clean, then go to work at 11pm. I worked all night, and it was a really crappy shift that felt like it would never end. I got home around 7:30am Sunday morning, and Benji was awake in his room (having wet the bed, totally soaked) and Allen was still asleep. So I got Benji up and put him in the shower, and Allen appeared. I was in a really bad mood, so he asked me what was wrong. I told him I needed to sleep, and he asked, "Why didn't you get any sleep?" Seriously? Yes, I stay up late sometimes (which many times includes cleaning, like 1+1/2 hours worth tonight), but I pick up extra shifts, and I get home late. Anyway, I slept for a couple of hours, but I was woken up by a call from my Visiting Teaching Supervisor, who asked me if I had done my VT for the month. Nope. She told me I could probably call them that day, but I told her it wasn't going to happen. I sure love that guilt-trip every month, reminding me of what a slacker I am.
Then we went to Logan for the afternoon on Sunday (that's another post). Allen wanted me to drive, since he was having allergy problems because of some mosquito bites he got while he was out hunting. Um, no. I was utterly exhausted from working all night, so I told him he needed to drive up, and I would drive back. That worked okay, but I know I almost fell asleep while driving. We got home around 9:30pm on Sunday, then I had to work 12 hours on Monday. At least Tuesday morning was nice.
Then today I had to work another 12. I also volunteered to bring a side dish to Katie's Bridal Shower at work. I got Benji up and took him to the bathroom, but he wouldn't go. I waited for around 10 minutes for him to finally go, but he never did. So I got him dressed and ready and realized we would totally miss his bus. I had to drive him up to the school, but we were too early. So we stopped at Smith's to get the stuff for the Cranberry salad I was going to make. Then I took him to school and came home to make the salad. It took me a good 90 minutes to make this salad (enough to cut into my primping time, so I look really rough today), and I brought it to work with me at 11am. When I finally got to sit down for a few minutes (around 2pm), basically no one had eaten it. It really sucks when all of your efforts are wasted. Then at 3pm I was put in Dr. Zempoloch's room. She is usually very nice, but I couldn't do anything right there, either. So I was in a less-than-talkative mood. People kept asking me if I was okay, but seriously--can't I just have an "off" day? Do I have to be perky all the time? Plus, I'm feeling the guilt for not scrubbing Liver transplants. I think they did 3 in the last week, and I was asked by several people if I do scrub them. I did, but that was one of the major reasons why I left IMC in 2010. I was totally burned out from taking all of the implant call and doing them all the time. I like my job, and I don't want to become that person again by growing to resent it, but should that be priority over the hospital's needs? I'm sure I could scrub one if I had to; I just don't want to. And yes, that makes me feel like a slacker, too.
I'm just really down on myself today. I'm tired and poor and unwanted and ugly and nothing more than a housekeeper, babysitter and source of income for my husband. We are together out of convenience: that's pretty much the only reason why we are still together. It's certainly not because we are on the same team, because we are not. We think very differently, and he hardly thinks of me at all. I'm certainly not his first priority, and he isn't mine, either. We don't make each other happy; we don't even really like spending time together. Allen does what he does and expects me to be fine with it. I guess I do the same. I just wish he thought enough about how I feel to make sure I could be there at the signing. Yes, I told him I wasn't happy about it, but that doesn't matter. Nothing I do really matters. I just work here.
Let's start with yesterday. It was a lovely day--beautiful weather (in the 80's), I got to spend the morning playing tourist with my dear friend and former Zone Leader Sam Aubin, who is visiting from Germany. I learned several new things about Temple Square, we went to lunch @ The Pie near the U, and I felt like I looked pretty nice (makeup, clothing, etc.--I was actually put-together). I went up to Benji's school afterward and had a little chat with his teachers. He is doing very well; he understands more than I give him credit for, and they don't let him get away with things like we do. I need to work on that, and I need to make a communication book. There are supposed to be some cool tools like that on iPads, which he would love, but which we definitely cannot afford right now. :o(
So I was feeling pretty good when we left school. I decided to take Benji to a park to let him play for a little while. I took him to the potty before we did anything. He went #1, then he played on the structure, and although I was a little sleepy, I thought I was keeping a fairly good eye on him. That was, until I heard some kid say, "It smells like poo." Having heard that, I got up and went for a closer look. Yep--he was finger painting. I took him back to the car, stripped him down and wiped him off the best I could, then put a towel on the carseat and strapped him in. Then I had to take some wipes back to the playground to clean up his mess. Thankfully there wasn't too much, but I was seriously annoyed.
I took him home and put him in the shower. Later that afternoon, he had a meltdown--inconsolable crying and kicking and thrashing, which is one thing with a two-year-old, but is something else when you have a 55+ pound, very strong four-year-old hitting you. This went on for about 20 minutes, making me wonder if he was in pain, because he can't tell us what's going on. Then he stopped, and he was fine. I don't get it. I hope you parents out there can appreciate your child being able to tell you why he or she is crying, BECAUSE IT SUCKS WHEN HE CAN'T. You feel totally helpless.
Then, Allen told me that the loan for the house has gone through and they are signing the papers THIS Thursday instead of next Thursday. I said, "But I have to work," and he said, "You don't have to be there." Okay . . . I understand that my name is not on the loan, but I thought it was going to be on the house. Am I wrong to be pissed about this? Buying a house is kind-of a big deal, and I would like to be there. Apparently, Allen doesn't think it's important that I am. And to me, that's just more proof that he doesn't care. This house would be the ONLY thing he has done (on his own) to take care of Benji and me if anything should happen to him. He doesn't have life insurance, he doesn't have a 401K, he doesn't have a will. I, on the other hand, do have life (and health) insurance on him, on me, and on Benji. I shell out for it every paycheck. I have a 401K. There's not a ton of money there, but enough to get him by for a few months, at least. I am trying to prepare for the future financially, and I personally paid $1,000 in earnest money as part of our down payment (my dad helped with the rest--he is such a wonderful man). But I don't have to be there. Yeah.
Oh--and back to last Saturday. He got up at 4:30am to go hunting with his friend Aaron. Last week was incredibly busy for me, and I had to volunteer @ the Hilltop sale on Saturday morning, so Benji had to go to the Lake's house. Whatever--they are great with Benji, and he likes going there. Allen got back in time for me to go the the Relief Society General Meeting with Lexy and Desi, but as soon as I got home, Allen went to bed (leaving the house a disaster, as usual). So I got to put Benji to bed, then clean, then go to work at 11pm. I worked all night, and it was a really crappy shift that felt like it would never end. I got home around 7:30am Sunday morning, and Benji was awake in his room (having wet the bed, totally soaked) and Allen was still asleep. So I got Benji up and put him in the shower, and Allen appeared. I was in a really bad mood, so he asked me what was wrong. I told him I needed to sleep, and he asked, "Why didn't you get any sleep?" Seriously? Yes, I stay up late sometimes (which many times includes cleaning, like 1+1/2 hours worth tonight), but I pick up extra shifts, and I get home late. Anyway, I slept for a couple of hours, but I was woken up by a call from my Visiting Teaching Supervisor, who asked me if I had done my VT for the month. Nope. She told me I could probably call them that day, but I told her it wasn't going to happen. I sure love that guilt-trip every month, reminding me of what a slacker I am.
Then we went to Logan for the afternoon on Sunday (that's another post). Allen wanted me to drive, since he was having allergy problems because of some mosquito bites he got while he was out hunting. Um, no. I was utterly exhausted from working all night, so I told him he needed to drive up, and I would drive back. That worked okay, but I know I almost fell asleep while driving. We got home around 9:30pm on Sunday, then I had to work 12 hours on Monday. At least Tuesday morning was nice.
Then today I had to work another 12. I also volunteered to bring a side dish to Katie's Bridal Shower at work. I got Benji up and took him to the bathroom, but he wouldn't go. I waited for around 10 minutes for him to finally go, but he never did. So I got him dressed and ready and realized we would totally miss his bus. I had to drive him up to the school, but we were too early. So we stopped at Smith's to get the stuff for the Cranberry salad I was going to make. Then I took him to school and came home to make the salad. It took me a good 90 minutes to make this salad (enough to cut into my primping time, so I look really rough today), and I brought it to work with me at 11am. When I finally got to sit down for a few minutes (around 2pm), basically no one had eaten it. It really sucks when all of your efforts are wasted. Then at 3pm I was put in Dr. Zempoloch's room. She is usually very nice, but I couldn't do anything right there, either. So I was in a less-than-talkative mood. People kept asking me if I was okay, but seriously--can't I just have an "off" day? Do I have to be perky all the time? Plus, I'm feeling the guilt for not scrubbing Liver transplants. I think they did 3 in the last week, and I was asked by several people if I do scrub them. I did, but that was one of the major reasons why I left IMC in 2010. I was totally burned out from taking all of the implant call and doing them all the time. I like my job, and I don't want to become that person again by growing to resent it, but should that be priority over the hospital's needs? I'm sure I could scrub one if I had to; I just don't want to. And yes, that makes me feel like a slacker, too.
I'm just really down on myself today. I'm tired and poor and unwanted and ugly and nothing more than a housekeeper, babysitter and source of income for my husband. We are together out of convenience: that's pretty much the only reason why we are still together. It's certainly not because we are on the same team, because we are not. We think very differently, and he hardly thinks of me at all. I'm certainly not his first priority, and he isn't mine, either. We don't make each other happy; we don't even really like spending time together. Allen does what he does and expects me to be fine with it. I guess I do the same. I just wish he thought enough about how I feel to make sure I could be there at the signing. Yes, I told him I wasn't happy about it, but that doesn't matter. Nothing I do really matters. I just work here.
25 September 2012
California 37 Took Me Right To Heaven's Door
I need to write about the AWESOME concert I went to last week: TRAIN!! *sigh* I love these guys. I'll admit--I like their older music a little better than their newer stuff, but it was a really fun concert. When I got the e-mail announcing that they were coming to the Gallivan Center in Salt Lake City, I went online as soon as I could to get my ticket, and--lo, and behold--they had VIP packages available, which included a meet and greet with the band. Um, YES. So I bought the "Gold Package," and it was worth every penny.
I wish I had my camera, but I didn't have that, either. The phone on my camera SUCKS. It took one picture, and refused to take any more for the rest of the night. I made friends with a couple who had iPhones, and they are supposed to e-mail me some pictures, but they haven't done that, either. There was a gal from one of the local radio stations who had a nice camera and supposedly took some good pictures, but they aren't up on the website yet, either. So there's not much to show you, but I was right up front--against the barrier, and it was awesome. Some shorter people behind me were a little uptight that we wouldn't let them in front of us, but I kinda paid a lot of money for that privilege, and I'm kinda mean. So I didn't give up my spot. Sorry kids!
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| Jimmy Stafford, Me, Pat Monahan and Scott Underwood |
The meet & greet lasted only a few seconds. I probably could have taken a couple of minutes to talk to them, but I was so star struck that I just had nothing to say, except that it was an honor to meet them. I was a little surprised that they were all taller than me; I expected them to be shorter. That was a pleasant surprise. They also had a professional photographer to take pictures, and I downloaded this from the Save Me, San Francisco website. I also got a "commemorative" lanyard (not a backstage pass, but cool nonetheless) and a signed poster. Then, since we had early entry, we got to wait next to the stage and scoot right up against the barriers before the gates even opened. Good times.
I loved the covers they did. They made some great segues from, "You can't always get what you want, But if you try sometimes, you just might find You get what you need . . ." into "I need a sign, to let me know you're here" (Calling All Angels). And at the end of "Hey, Soul Sister" where they say "I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight . . ." they went into the chorus of "We Are Young": "Tonight, we are young, so let's set the world on fire, we can burn brighter than the sun." It was awesome, and it was so natural. Everyone kept right on singing. So cool.
I wish I had a setlist, but alas--I do not. This is a setlist from Red Rocks, where they performed the day before. I'm pretty sure it was the same.
50 Ways To Say Goodbye
This'll Be My Year
If It's Love
Meet Virginia
I Got You
Free / Respect / She's on Fire / Get to Me / When I Look to the Sky / Ordinary / For Me, It's You
(Medley)
Calling All Angels (with Rolling Stones cover, "You Can't Always Get What You Want")
Save Me, San Francisco
Mermaid
Bruises
Marry Me
Everyday People (Sly & The Family Stone cover)
Drum Solo
Hey, Soul Sister (fun. cover, "We Are Young")
Drive By
Encore:
California 37
Drops of Jupiter
Sing Together
I wish I had my camera, but I didn't have that, either. The phone on my camera SUCKS. It took one picture, and refused to take any more for the rest of the night. I made friends with a couple who had iPhones, and they are supposed to e-mail me some pictures, but they haven't done that, either. There was a gal from one of the local radio stations who had a nice camera and supposedly took some good pictures, but they aren't up on the website yet, either. So there's not much to show you, but I was right up front--against the barrier, and it was awesome. Some shorter people behind me were a little uptight that we wouldn't let them in front of us, but I kinda paid a lot of money for that privilege, and I'm kinda mean. So I didn't give up my spot. Sorry kids!
They had two opening acts: Andy Grammer and Mat Kearney. I didn't know any of Andy Grammer's music at all, but he's adorable! He sang, "Keep Your Head Up," "Fine By Me," "Ladies" (a super-sweet song dedicated to his mom), and he did a great cover of Rihanna's "We Found Love." Here's a YouTube video of this song. It's pretty fantastic.
Mat Kearney was awesome, too. He's very talented (and yes, I was close enough to see his freckles!). I know a few of his songs: he sang "Nothing Left to Lose," "Undeniable, "Count On Me," "Ships in the Night," "All I Have," and Mat also did a cover of Bruce Springsteen's "Dancing in the Dark." So great. He also sang "Closer to Love." Here's a video of that song.
Here's a link to a video of Train's latest single. It's a fun song, and the video is hilarious. I tried embedding it, but I'm having technical difficulties.
http://youtu.be/GSBFehvLJDc
So anyway, they aren't the greatest band ever (I don't think anyone will replace U2 in my not-so-humble opinion, and I think I'll keep the current rankings with Keane at #2, but Train is a solid #3), and the concert wasn't life changing, but it was awesome. I loved it. I danced, I sang my little heart out, I bought a t-shirt and I left a very happy woman. The Gallivan Center is a great venue--parking is easy, it's pretty intimate, and the location is great. I loved being so close to the bands. They signed a ton of autographs, brought people on-stage to help sing certain songs ("Mermaid," "Bruises," etc.), they threw out t-shirts and beach balls. They brought along an awesome trumpeter (Brian Switzer), they had a real piano on stage, two gorgeous black back-up singers, they had a couple get married on stage and another in the audience get engaged to "Marry Me," and Pat even broke out the sax for a bit. And at the very end, they gave away a signed guitar to a girl in a wheelchair. They are such sweethearts! What a great night!
Mat Kearney was awesome, too. He's very talented (and yes, I was close enough to see his freckles!). I know a few of his songs: he sang "Nothing Left to Lose," "Undeniable, "Count On Me," "Ships in the Night," "All I Have," and Mat also did a cover of Bruce Springsteen's "Dancing in the Dark." So great. He also sang "Closer to Love." Here's a video of that song.
Here's a link to a video of Train's latest single. It's a fun song, and the video is hilarious. I tried embedding it, but I'm having technical difficulties.
http://youtu.be/GSBFehvLJDc
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| This is the best shot I got all night, using Allen's little camera. |
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