I'll See You When I Fall Asleep

I've been at work for about 14 hours now.  It has been a good day; we have had pizza delivered, we don't have any rooms going right now, and I'm making time-and-a-half at the moment.  We normally have two scrub techs working at night, but they both called in sick.  And since I am on-call, I am here.  It's actually a really good night for me to stay, because a) Tollene (Allen's mother) is staying with us for a couple of weeks, b) I'm short on my hours for the week because of the holiday, c) it's nice to be paid to blog and check my e-mail, and d) I'm (hopefully!) getting LASIK done tomorrow, after which I have been told I need to sleep it off.  So since I'm planning on sleeping most of the day anyway, I hope that being up most of the night won't be so bad.

About LASIK . . . here's the story.  Every year, Allen takes out a fair amount of money in his flexible spending account at work.  This money is "use it or lose it," so you don't want to take out too much.  We always said that if we had enough money left over at the end of the year, I could get LASIK. Usually, we only have a few hundred dollars left, so I get new glasses and call it good.  This year, we have around $2400 left over.  While that's good--no major illnesses or surgeries or doctor's visits this year--that's a lot of money to lose on December 31st.  So, in early December (while trying not to get my hopes up too high; you never know what will happen!), I start calling around to see if I can get an appointment.  Once place I called was totally booked.  Another place was so busy they kept me on hold for at least 10 minutes.  So, I called Hoopes Vision.  I had heard their ads on the radio many times, and my brother Dave had his eyes corrected by them earlier this year, with fantastic results.  Not only did they answer my call right away, but they had *one* appointment available before the end of the year.  I took it, and went through all the testing and scans and stuff (my eyes have never had such a workout--I had an incredible headache by the end!).  They said I would qualify, but it would cost around $2,000 per eye.  I was not expecting to have to pay that much, but I also didn't want to waste all that money.  So we scheduled the right eye for December 28th, and the left eye for early January.  I went home and argued talked about it with Allen, and we decided to just do it.  Merry Christmas to me!

I'm excited, and a little nervous.  I hope my eyes aren't too bloodshot from working tonight.  I hope my family is healthy for at least the next few days, because I feel guilty about using up the rest of the flex-spending money.  I'm annoyed that I'll still have to wear glasses (I'll have to replace my right lens with a clear lens); no contacts for the past couple of weeks and I haven't worn makeup for several days.

I hate not wearing makeup.  It is a little liberating, but I feel so much better about myself when I look nice.

*   *   *   *   *

Update: it's now 6:13am, and I have been at work for 19+ hours now (regular 12-hour shift + 8-hour on-call shift).  We didn't do any cases last night (miracle!), so I got to rest a little bit.  Here's hoping the next time I write my vision will be halfway greatly improved!

O Night Divine

I spend a lot of time on the negative in this blog . . . I'm sorry.  I struggle (a lot), and this is a good place to write whatever I want and get feedback from people who actually care enough about me to read it.  To those of you who actually read my blog, thank you.  I love and appreciate you, and I promise your Christmas cards are coming.

My mood improved significantly after my talk was finished.  I don't really mind speaking in church, but I didn't realize how stressful a situation it was until it was over.  I did want to share what I spoke about, because it means a lot to me.  I hope it helps you remember what Christmas is all about.

I did a little introduction of us, then did a little segue from the part of my serving a mission in France.  This is the outline of my talk; I apologize for the formatting issues.

• Name, recently called to Primary. Setting apart, asked Allen to speak in January. Thought I dodged a bullet; called later that evening, asked to speak today. Not a lot of time to prepare, grateful I get to speak during the Christmas season.
  
  
• Introduction
  • Allen: from California; been in Utah for 9-10 years. We met while both living in Sugar House. Fix-it man and Computer Guru. Works @ Unisys doing tech support for Blackrock. Works crazy hours.
  • Mary: born & raised in Utah, served mission in Belgium and France, graduated from the U in Biology. Work at IMC as a surgical tech. Work opposite shifts to take care of Benji, though we need help sometimes. Actually, we are in need of some babysitting help during Winter break. If available, please come see me after meeting.
  • Benjamin: 5 in February. Autistic, sorry for noise. Attends Carmen B. Pingree school near University. Likes Lightning McQueen, eating anything sweet, playing in water, Benny Bear.
    
    
• Served mission in France, came to love so many things about culture (I'm a total Francophile!). One of the most beloved French Christmas songs is the “Cantique de Noël,” which literally means “Hymn of Christmas.” We know it as “O Holy Night.” I don't love every version of this song (*cough* Mariah Carey), but the lyrics to this song are so beautiful, I wanted to share them with you as the basis of my talk today. I was given the subject of the Atonement, and this song encompasses both the miracle of our Savior's birth, and the wondrous gift of His Atoning sacrifice.

First: literal translation of original French (thank you, Wikipedia!)

Midnight, Christians, it is the solemn hour,

When God as man descended unto us

To erase the stain of original sin

And to end the wrath of His Father.

               We must remember that this song was written by a Catholic man, Placide Cappeau in France in the early 1800's. We know from the second article of faith that our Heavenly Father will punish man for his own sins, not for Adam's transgression. This statement reminds us that Adam fell that men might be, and Christ came to the earth that we may return to live with God again.

The entire world thrills with hope

On this night that gives it a Savior.

How thrilling, indeed, that Heavenly Father sent His only begotten Son to save us? I'm certain you and I were among the angels singing and rejoicing that Christ had been born in Bethlehem.

People kneel down, wait for your deliverance.

Christmas, Christmas, here is the Redeemer,

Christmas, Christmas, here is the Redeemer!

Here is the Child of God who is come to save us! Let us kneel at the manger, the cradle of the beautiful baby boy who will be our Advocate with the Father.

The second verse is not sung very often, since the song is quite long enough with two verses. Again, here is the translation of the original French.

May the ardent light of our Faith

Guide us all to the cradle of the infant,

As in ancient times a brilliant star

Guided the Oriental kings there.

The King of Kings was born in a humble manger;

O mighty ones of today, proud of your greatness,

It is to your pride that God preaches.

Bow your heads before the Redeemer!

Bow your heads before the Redeemer!

We can all learn a great lesson of humility from our Savior. The King of Kings— the only begotten Son of our Heavenly Father, was born in such humble circumstances. He was surrounded by the poor his entire life. He loved everyone—high and low—and He led not by power or coercion, but by his unwavering goodness, kindness and righteous example.

The Redeemer has broken every bond:

The Earth is free, and Heaven is open.

He sees a brother where there was only a slave,

Love unites those that iron had chained.

Who will tell Him of our gratitude,

For all of us He is born, He suffers and dies.

People stand up! Sing of your deliverance,

Christmas, Christmas, sing of the Redeemer,

Christmas, Christmas, sing of the Redeemer!

Christmas is such a beautiful time of year. It can be painful for many people, as we recall those who are no longer with us. I have cried many tears over the past few days, in memory of the beautiful children in Connecticut, but I know they are with our Savior. He suffered and died for all of us. I'd like to quote from an article in the April 2012 Ensign, a talk given by Elder David A. Bednar.

“In Alma chapter 7 we learn how and why the Savior is able to provide the enabling power:

“He shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

“And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities” (Alma 7:11–12).

“The Savior has suffered not just for our iniquities but also for the inequality, the unfairness, the pain, the anguish, and the emotional distresses that so frequently beset us. There is no physical pain, no anguish of soul, no suffering of spirit, no infirmity or weakness that you or I ever experience during our mortal journey that the Savior did not experience first. You and I in a moment of weakness may cry out, “No one understands. No one knows.” No human being, perhaps, knows. But the Son of God perfectly knows and understands, for He felt and bore our burdens before we ever did. And because He paid the ultimate price and bore that burden, He has perfect empathy and can extend to us His arm of mercy in so many phases of our life. He can reach out, touch, succor—literally run to us—and strengthen us to be more than we could ever be and help us to do that which we could never do through relying upon only our own power.”

I'd now like to read to you the English version of “O Holy Night.” If I had had a little more time to prepare, I might have been able to sing it (or find someone to sing it) for you, but I hope you will really listen to the words. It truly is one of the most beautiful Christmas songs.

O holy night! The stars are brightly shining,

It is the night of our dear Saviour's birth.

Long lay the world in sin and error pining,

'Til He appear'd and the soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees! O hear the angel voices!

O night divine, O night when Christ was born;

O night divine, O night, O night Divine.

Led by the light of Faith serenely beaming,

With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.

So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,

Here come the wise men from Orient land.

The King of Kings lay thus in lowly manger;

In all our trials born to be our friend.

He knows our need, to our weakness is no stranger,

Behold your King! Before Him lowly bend!

Behold your King, Before Him lowly bend!

Truly He taught us to love one another;

His law is love and His gospel is peace.

Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother;

And in His name all oppression shall cease.

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,

Let all within us praise His holy name.

Christ is the Lord! O praise His Name forever,

His power and glory evermore proclaim.

His power and glory evermore proclaim.

I hope when you hear this song, you will remember its' message of hope and praise. The Son of God knows our need; He was born to be our friend. He loves us, and He made it possible for us to return to the presence of our Heavenly Father. Christ is the Lord! Let all within us praise His holy name! I pray we may all do so, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

As Charming As An Eel

I'm in a rotten mood.  I should be writing my talk for church tomorrow, but my brain is not in a place where I can have the Spirit with me.  I need to get all the crap out to have room for the happy stuff, and this is where I've decided to download the bad.  Feel free to skip this entry; it's probably not good for consumption.  Garlic-in-your-soul, sea-sick crocodile, don't-touch-it-with-a-39-and-a-half-foot-pole kind of stuff.

I have depression.  I hate to admit it, and I hate when it gets to me.  There are a lot of reasons for me to be happy, and yet they can't take root because of all the guilt and resentment and pain that eats me up inside.  Here's why I'm such a grinch today.

1)  I have to speak in church tomorrow.  I have been thinking about what I want to say all week, but I haven't written anything down yet.  I have less than 11 hours to do so, and I'm blogging instead.  So what do I hear in the back of my head?  Procrastinator.  Pathetic.

2)  I have been fighting a cold and running on a sleep-deficit all week.  My average bed time this week has been about 3am.  I feel crappy during the day, and/or I have to work, so the only time I feel well enough to get stuff done is late at night.  Stupid.  No self-control.

3)  I REALLY wanted to go to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas Concert this year.  Tickets are free, but they draw from a lottery as to who gets them.  I have signed up every year for at least the past 5 years, and I have yet to receive any tickets.  But what do I see on Facebook?  "I went, and it was so wonderful!"  "Look where I am! Lucky me!"  My sister Sarah got to go (even though she really didn't care about it) because her friend got tickets.  My sister Rebeccca doesn't want to go tomorrow morning, because she'd have to get up so early.  My Mom will go, though she's not happy about driving all the way to Salt Lake tomorrow.  They didn't offer me an invitation, but I couldn't go anyway because I have to speak in Sacrament Meeting.  Becca told me to 'call in sick,' but I can't do that.  I accepted the invitation, so it's my responsibility to deliver.  Poor me.  Bad attitude.  Unlucky.

4)  Usually, I can put up with Allen's crap.  When I'm already in a mood, the things he does just grate on me.    He claimed that his only responsibility today was to keep Benji out of my hair so I could write my talk.  We were in Logan for the NFCP, and he spent practically the entire day playing on his Nook.  I took Benji and Rachael with me to Hobby Lobby, and Allen was supposed to keep an eye on Lily and Tessa.  "But I need to take a shower."  He kept reminding me that I needed to write my talk, but it is nearly impossible for me to concentrate when I'm in Logan.  We helped my mom make food baskets to take to people in her ward, and when it was suggested that Allen do something other than sit on his ass, he said "How did I get roped into this?"  I took a short nap, and when I came downstairs, my siblings were helping their children decorate gingerbread houses.  Allen was still sitting on the couch, not even trying to help Benji participate.  Allen didn't even consider taking Benji to the movie with everyone else.  We both ended up staying at the house, and though Allen was supposed to be watching Benji, I found the boy having thrown everything (including ornaments and a poinsettia) off of mom's entry table and spinning a knife.  Stellar job, honey.  Just spectacular.  And when asked to do something else, he said, "I'm in pack-mule mode," i.e., he was putting stuff in the car, and couldn't possibly help out someone else for a few minutes.  I'm pissed that I agreed to spend eternity with this guy.  Short-sighted.  Miserable.

5)  I love hanging out with my siblings.  It's honestly one of my favorite things.  Over dinner, we were talking about Thanksgiving (which Dave & Lexy spent in Chile), and they started talking (facetiously) about how their children are "perfect."  I know these kids, and I know how each of them has certain things they struggle with, but compared to Benji, in my twisted mind, they are perfect.  They are smart.  They are normal.  They don't have "Special Needs."  So again, I start feeling guilty about having an autistic child, recalling all the things that make me a terrible mother, and feeling jealous about all the things I am missing that other parents take for granted every day.  Sad.  Rueful.  Resentful.

6)  I'm so sad about the school shootings in Connecticut.  I can't believe how heartless one young man can be, and how sensational and political the media has made this incredibly sad event.  I'm grateful my boy is safe, and I'm glad he doesn't understand, but I still wish I could talk with him about it.  I wish he could understand how much I love him, even though I'm incredibly frustrated with him much of the time.   Horrified.  Unappreciative. 

Can you see why I'm not in a very good place to write something spiritual?  I feel slightly better having gotten it all out, and I know I just need to do it.  I'm a bad banana with a greasy black peel.

I Don't Know Which Side I'm On

Quotes from my Facebook wall after the declaration of Barack Obama as the re-elected president:

• Sherri Butler: Yay!
• Melissa Boren:  Ok so canada, mexico, or australia......... mark my words america by the end of this term ur gunna be kicking urselves in the ass!!!!! Women ur still not going to have everything u want, gays we still arent gunna be able to get married In all states, health care is gunna suck ass, and our debt will be higher than ever! That is all I'm done tomorrow is just another day
• Emily McWidener:  Putin will be stoked that Obama has more flexibility now.
  
• George Takei:  Overheard: "And America proves once again, once you go black..."  Oh Myyy...
• Mary Woolf Christensen:  I'm so sick right now!!
• Elizabeth Dunn:  Oh thank you Fate!
• Des Burke:  Yeah!!!!
• Camie Shunn Harper:  Depressing!
• Aaron Williams:  I'm hearing rumors that we can expect an official announcement from the LDS church that we will be allowed to "drink this one off." Can anyone confirm?

That's just a sample.  I have gotten myself so worked up over this election that I honestly feel sick.  Let me back up a little . . . My mom has always been politically active, and my dad has always been fairly quiet, though they are both  Republican.  We had a signed picture of Congressman Jim Hansen in our house in Panguitch growing up.  I'm not sure what my mom did for his campaigns, but I felt like good Mormons were supposed to be Republicans.  I remember asking/accusing our family friend Mary Harris of being a Democrat, like there was something evil about affiliating yourself with such a party. I never thought much about politics in High School (Bill Clinton era), but once I started attending the University of Utah . . . hoooo doggy.  The U is a very liberal school, though it is large enough for quite a lot of diversity.  As a science major, I felt like anyone who was cool or smart or thoughtful had to be a Democrat.  I wanted to feel like part of that, and as a bit of a rebel, I decided I was, too.  For a very brief period, I declared myself as a Political Science major, but once I took some of the classes, I realized how much I hate arguing and finger pointing.  I will admit to voting for Gore in 2000 (in the primaries, before I left on my mission).  Because of this, my mother still calls me a "Raging Democrat." Now that I am in my 30's, I can see both sides.  This infographic is very helpful in the current definition of Democrat and Republican.

 

I find myself on both sides of the political spectrum; I don't think it's wise to be all one way or the other, and neither side is better than the other.  I also think that both the Democratic and Republican parties are corrupt.  Honestly, I don't trust anyone in the Federal government; I think they all have hidden agendas and are in bed with lobbyists and are out of touch with reality.  I cannot, in good conscience, affiliate myself with any political party. I have plenty of friends, many of whom are very intelligent and educated people, who are very Democratic.  I respect them, and their opinions.  They encourage me to question what I believe politically, which I think is a good thing. That being said, I do tend to lean slightly to the right.  My ballot consists of more Republicans than Democrats, but I try to consider each individual and his or her qualifications, and I try to vote accordingly. I will admit to listening to unfortunate amounts of talk radio lately.  I'll blame it on the move, since significant amount of time was spent cleaning the old apartment with the radio on, and since I had to drive Allen's car several times.  Anyway, what they (Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, etc.) said made sense to me.  They were so positive about Romney winning the presidential election, and so very negative about the future of President Obama's "regime."  I voted for Mitt Romney, and he lost.  I was scrubbed in a procurement for most of the evening, so when I found out, it was pretty depressing Well . . . after having been in a pretty dark mood for the past couple of days (and realizing that yes, I do still need to take my antidepressants), I'm starting to get over it.  I'm not entirely sure the voting machines weren't tampered with, I hate the electoral college, and I do think Obama makes a better rockstar than a president.  I am afraid for our country.  I don't think the future is bright, and I'm astounded that more people didn't see through the president's façade.  We saw some of his true colors during the debates and on the campaign trail, when he came across as arrogant and malicious.  Oh, he can turn on the charm and be likable when he wants to.  He can be very inspiring when he's reading from a teleprompter.  But I don't believe he has America's best interests at heart.





I want to like President Obama.  I want to think that America will be in better shape come 2016, but I just can't believe it.  I also think that the truth behind the Bengazi attacks will change this presidency significantly.  Can I go back to ignoring Washington?  I truly thought that a Romney presidency would change things for the better, with him balancing the budget and bringing back the economy and fighting for a stronger United States.  I think the economy is headed for a serious depression, and no "government bailout" will stave it off. And if the U.S. economy tanks, the world's economy will tank, and then things will get really ugly.

My outlook is not bright.  I only see myself working harder, bringing home less, and trying to be self-sufficient when it's getting more and more difficult to pay the bills.  And then I remember how little I see Benji already, how much of his childhood I am missing just trying to be a contributing member of society and to earn enough money to keep this family afloat.  It sucks.  I need to get over it and move on, if not for Benji then for the sake of my own sanity.  In any case, I'm glad the election is over.  The endless arguing and one-upping and finger-pointing drives me batty.

"I don't know, I don't know which side I'm on.
I don't know my right from left or my right from wrong."
--U2

The Old Apartment

I have had a lot on my mind lately, but not a lot of time to write about it.  I menltioned it earlier, but that's about as far as I got.  Well . . . we have moved.  It was an ordeal.  The whole month of October pretty much sucked.  A lot of people told me they would rather move across country than across town.  I understand why.  Our apartment was so small that we kind-of had to take it a load at a time, just to have someplace to put the stuff.  I can't tell you how many times I drove back and forth.  My car is still not back to normal.

{By the way . . . I'm watching "Night At The Roxbury" right now, and it's so funny I'm having a hard time concentrating long enough to write something!  "Steve, don't hit on the bridesmaid.  It's your wedding!"  I need some Fluffi Whip!}

We are mostly moved in now.  It's down to unpacking and organizing, which isn't very easy.  There's definitely more room here at the house, but we need furniture and shelving.  We ended up tossing most of the furniture, because it was old, in VERY rough shape, and some of it was even moldy (thanks to the awesome swamp cooler).  So, as of now, our seating options consist of a rocking chair.  Yeah.  It's less than convenient; especially with nothing in the kitchen.  I did go to the D.I. today (we have made plenty of trips there as well; I got rid of at least 20% of my wardrobe, and I still have too many clothes!) and I bought a chaise lounge for $20.  It's in decent shape, but pretty dirty.  Good thing we have a steam cleaner, eh?  We also need to get the couches from Logan; I don't know how or when that is going to happen.  Renting a truck will cost at least $100, and now Allen tells me that our former landlord is charging us $1200 to replace the carpet in the apartment.  I'm so pissed about that!  We have got to find that contract; it is lost somewhere in the paper shuffle of the move.  I tried so hard to get organized before we left.  It's just an ongoing process, but seriously--isn't that what a deposit is for?  Isn't carpet replacement par-for-the-course when you own apartments?  It's unbelievable that he wants to charge us $1200 on top of our $400 deposit (which we obviously won't get back).  AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

So most of October was spent moving.  It wasn't pretty, and it REALLY wasn't very fun.  We had a little bit of help from ward members and from Allen's friend Aaron, but we did most of it ourselves.  Honestly, I never want to move again.  Sure, someday I'd like a bigger house (preferably one with a master bath), but it was horrible.  I'm glad it's done.  I actually like organizing and putting things back together; I just wish I had more money to purchase shelves and blinds and such.  Why does it all come back to money?  Gah.

Even Halloween sucked.  I woke up at 3:30a.m. (just as Allen was leaving to go to work) to the sweet sound of Benji projectile vomiting.  I knew he couldn't go to school, and I also knew that I had to get a lot done, and I was scheduled for a 12-hour shift.  So I ended up calling in sick, and we spent the entire day at the apartment cleaning.  One good thing about having a child who doesn't voice an opinion on what we do is that he doesn't voice an opinion on what we do.  He didn't care that he didn't go trick-or-treating.  He didn't care that all we ate that day was pizza from Costco.  Yes, I felt like I had flunked-out of Motherhood 101 because I had to do so much cleaning at the old apartment, I didn't dress Benji up or take him trick-or-treating, and I put off so much until the very last day of the month.  But . . . Benji didn't care.  Sometimes Autism can work to your advantage.  Most of the time it sucks, and it leaves me depressed and frustrated, but sometimes it can be helpful.

There are a lot of things I'd like to write about, but I need to go to bed.  Benji has to be on the bus at 7:05a.m., and I have to work tomorrow.  I'd also like to get the curtains up in the living room, clean out my car, and pick up the chaise before I go to work at 11.  I'm glad I voted early, because there's no way I could do that tomorrow, too.  Can I just say how glad I am the election will be over tomorrow?  I hate the landscape (and airwaves) littered with political paraphernalia.  All the arguing about who is right and who is better and who did what angers me and wears me out mentally.  It's too much.  I have been listening to more talk radio lately, which I usually try to avoid.  I do think the whole Bengazi cover-up will turn into something big, and I'm angry that the administration has kept it mostly under wraps because of the election.  There is so much lying and bitterness and, while I'm glad people are getting worked up about the election, I'm afraid they are getting worked up over the wrong things.  For me, it's all about the economy.  That's what affects me every day.  Even the prices of stuff at the D.I. (the thrift store) seem to have gone up.  I can't believe I paid $3 for a used muffin tin!  The chaise was a pretty good deal, but they wanted $25 for shelves that you can buy new for $30.  I voted for Romney because I think he has a better way to get the economy back on-track.  Obama has had four years to try, and I don't think my family (or this country) can afford four more years of his policies.  I am blessed to have a full-time job, I am blessed to have a working car, I am incredibly grateful that Benji has a scholarship to Pingree, and I am very lucky to be in a house now.  It's how we can afford everything else that worries me.  Money.  Ugh.  I would like it better if I had more of it, I'm sure.